Coast to Coast

While I am still not in the places I'd like to be with my running, I'm still dreaming of what I can accomplish. A lot of it rides on how I feel after The Boilermaker. If I feel good emotionally, and not in hospital like amounts of anguish then I'll start the training for a half marathon for my birthday, in January. See it's been a dream of mine to run the Walt Disney Half-Marathon.

In watching the websites and seeing photos from friends who've run it and downloading the training program for the half, well it's still something I aspire to. So ok, I jumped my goal of a 10K before doing a 15K and it may or may not be my most smartest (written on purpose) idea. Still, if I gave up I wouldn't know.

Reading an article today it spoke about a spiral staircase and how sometimes we trip on a step. It talked about what messages you send yourself when you trip. Most of us send a good deal of negative messages. Hell, I've sent myself seven years of negative messages about my "trip" in Indiana. If you look at it as the staircase, you tripped, you might even stumble on a few stairs. But if you wanted to reach the next floor, if you had to reach the next floor out of necessity well you'd either have to start climbing the stairs again or you'd have to go back down the stairs.

I've been giving myself some negative messages with running because it's all mental now. Well mental and the fact that my little physical therapist is beating the crap out of my legs. (all my problems are due to flat feet, weak arches, and poor ankle flexibly) So soreness & life schedule are making me make easy excuses.

Friday though, after my work conference - it's on like Donkey Kong in Saratoga State Park, around 4:30pm.

So this new dream, it's the Disney Coast to Coast. If I run the Walt Disney World Half in Florida in January of 2012 and then run the Disneyland Half in California in September of 2012 then I'll get a special finishers medal. (and I'll get to finally have an excuse to go to Disneyland)

Right now it's wishful thinking and it's not impossible, it's also not improbable. It's just the fear of commitment to make these decisions and knowing I've really got to do another full change to get where I want to be.

texts like this are amazing

It's neat. I'm not going to lie. To hear that other people starting out with C25K programs. To know I've convinced a few people that they too can run a 5K.

This text marks the 3rd time someone has said to me that I've inspired them to try.

The text came in the middle of my early morning, with no knowledge via social media that my friend was starting the program. However, now I know so I'll keep checking in with her.

I'm convinced that if I can make it through the 9 week C25K program that anyone can. I didn't run it fast, I just ran it and by ran I still say Old Man Jogged it.

My hips don't lie

My hips are so sore. My knees are right there too. At physical therapy we are working on the vastus medialis and the soleus muscles. When I was younger I often heard that my upper leg wasn’t strong enough to support my lower leg. I guess it’s still the case. It supports it but my legs have been over compensating in order to function. So my hips are extremely tight, my hamstrings are as well.  I am also working to get better flexion in my feet, ankles and toes to help strengthen my flat feet. 

Oh, I didn’t mention that I have flat feet? Yeah, that’s what my PT was saying. So my shoes are working right now but they might not be the best thing for me. 

So we are working on strengthening my lower legs but not overdoing it so I can still run. I am going to run tonight. I don’t care what time, I am going to go do it, preferably outside. 

I’ve got exercises to do while I’m at work sitting in my chair but they involve me getting a ball at the dollar store (which I’ll do later). My knee caps shift a lot during all this because my muscles are pulling them in different directions, same with my hips. So all this correction is making my hips and knees ache. 

I’m also finally signing up for the Freihofer's Run for Women. I should have done it a few weeks ago but I was side tracked and well today is my pay day.

pushing 300

I'm like a mountain for Laura to climb on.

Pushing 300lbs

I look so uncomfortable in that chair and I can't even cross my arms

The pictures above was me pushing 300 pounds back in June of 2009. These are the only photos I have of myself during that time. I was still funny, still super smart, and still the regular Hollie that all my friends know and love. Yet I was dying inside my own body.

I read a lot while I am at work. Like almost 7,000 articles in a month.  I see articles from active.com, runnersworld.com, friends who run and their blogs. Well I had watched the video on active.com about Ben and Ben Does Life. while it was great to read his blog and be inspired by his story I know that it’s easier for men to lose weight than women so I wondered if there was a blog like Ben’s written by a girl. I came across  One Twenty Five.  In reading through some of the archives I saw bravery in putting up pictures you otherwise might not share.  

I’ve still got a lot to go. I’m still having trouble when going out to eat finding balance in my healthy options. I did great for my brother’s birthday dinner out but lunch, not so great.  I hate that I still use food as an emotional comfort, punishment, or reward.  It’s still pizza as my kryptonite. I’ve started to have it more than twice a month. This week, I’m having it twice in a span of less than 16 hours. 

So I know I have to recommit to food. I know I also have to recommit to not drinking, which is hard because I’m social. 

In other news Physical Therapy was good today, we worked on strength and she said I improved in my flexibility. I only got in 2 days out of the 4, so I know I’ve got to step it up. I also ran on Saturday and logged 2.9 miles but my legs weren’t tired. I was using the stride count method and was playing a song by Lady Southpaw on repeat to keep time like a metronome. 

Last night I downloaded a bunch of music and now have a mix that starts at 160BPM and works up to 180BPM, so I think this will help me out a bunch.  So now we just start Phase 2 of jumping into training and getting serious again.

I want to love you, My PT*

*Sung to the tune of Michael Jackson’s Pretty Young Thing (PYT)

Today was the first day of physical therapy. I’m no stranger to physical therapy. I’ve gone for my ankles, knees, back, wrist, shoulder, and now legs.  When I was at Albany Med I went to PT in the hospital and found myself laughing a lot with my PT.  Later when we were trying to assess my head pain & leg numbness I was sent to PT to work on my lower back. Again, the therapist was cool and it was my first trip to this center (the one I currently go to). For my shoulder I went back there and I was introduced to my physical therapist. She was cute and tomboyish.  I played most of our 6 weeks of therapy playing the do you date boys or girls game.  When I had to leave it was kind of sad because she and several other therapists had become bright spots in my daily routine.

I walked into physical therapy today and as I pulled the door, there stood my favorite therapist, smiling at me. She was like what did you do this time? She looked at my chart, saw that I had someone else as my therapist and gave me my stuff to fill out. Then she teased me for taking a chair in the corner and hiding from her. While I waited for my therapist, she called out while working with another patient asking me what shows Tony Danza was famous for.

My new physical therapist came in and met me and we started talking about my problems. She looked at my feet, my gait, my leg length, my flexibility. We found out a lot of things. My heal shifts on one foot more, my left leg is shorter than my right; my hip is so tight that she made a crazy face.  I’ve got to strengthen my quads to help support the rest of my legs. Next week she is going to watch me run on the treadmill to see how I am doing with my running and we’re going to see what else needs strengthening & flexibility.  

I walked away with a page worth of names of stretches for me to now add into my routine.  Tonight I’m going to do a little walk around my neighborhood. Then go through the list of stretches. Running comes back on Saturday.

Life starts today, how are you going to live it?

"Life starts today, how are you going to live it?"

It was a simple statement and question asked to me by my mentor.  I picked out some music to listen to while I think about it. http://8tracks.com/worriedwarrior/april-hath-put-a-spirit-of-youth-in-everything

When you know what you want. What you really want, what drives you, gives breath to your spirit. I guess it should be this scary. If it wasn’t then it wouldn’t be worth doing.  I have survived and succeeded through a very difficult life so far. All of the things that I could have imagined being terrible have crossed my path. Why not go after what I really want?

I want a city life, filled with music in the background instead of television. I want good lighting in my apartment and a comfortable chair that I can actually read in. Posters & prints in professional frames. I want an office of my own at work, with a door and a wall to hold my three diplomas. I want students, actual physical students. Young adults who will plop themselves in my office and cause me to not get my work done for the afternoon. I want to be frustrated by it, work way past dinner, and then go home to an understanding partner who reminds me that I have life outside of work. I want to be the girl with a put together outfit and comfortable dress shoes. I want Sunday mornings with walks at the farmers market, organic fresh roasted coffee, egg sandwiches, fresh cut flowers, and sunshine. I want a college campus where I can see theater productions year round, a community that has a few outlets for theater that I can get involved with; A place where local art can be described through music, theater, food, bars and book readings. I want my apartment to be in the metro arts area. I would love it if it was a historical preservation of an industrial warehouse.  I want a claw foot tub and a hexagon mosaic tile floor (white with black grout), and a galley chefs kitchen with gas burners. I want my work life community to intertwine with my personal life but not destroy it. I want to give presentations, trainings, lectures. I want to share the skills and things I have learned. I want to be a soul protector for those younger people going through a rough time. I want to be tired from work because I spent the day thinking very hard, or running to several meetings, or placing signage up with loops of blue painters tape. I want there to be work days when I didn’t have time to turn on the computer. I want the excuse once a year to have radio’s and use radio lingo. I want to gain the want, skills, abilities, and responsibility of being the Director of an orientation program. I want to travel, convince my friends to meet me in an unfamiliar city for 4 days. I want to write and do something with my poetry and personal essays. I want to be a storyteller as a form of entertainment.

My mentor, she said “Now the hard work begins - you need to take action and change what you don't like!”

I don’t like my 45 minute daily commute. I don’t like the fact that I’m in a job that isn’t challenging. I don’t like not having student interaction (via distance or f2f). I don’t like shared living space. I don’t like twin beds. I don’t like that I can’t use public transportation.  I don’t like that life stops at 9pm. I don’t like that I feel I have to change myself to participate in various circles of friends. I don’t like that I’m looked at as a butch woman in this area, instead of just me.  I don’t like the limitations in dating here.  I don’t like that participating in local arts, equals a 30 minute commute. I don’t like not having a trader joes, fresh market, whole foods, that is an easy trip to stop on the way home.  I don’t like winter. I don’t like stalling on my applications. I don’t like feeling like my life and actions are dependent on others.  I don’t like the doubt others can easily place in my head. I don’t like limitations.

She said “Have faith that deep down you know what you want out of life.  Risk a little so you can succeed.”

I think I am ready to take a risk.

i'm lazy

The doctor said good things. Yet I'm still worried about my leg. it's that mom intuition thing. I'm going to work on stretching it out with "the stick" thing that big bro bought at the expo.

Other than that, my life choices on Sunday evening and Tuesday evening are hitting me hard. While I'm not 50, I am also not 21. So I am looking forward to sleep this evening.

Thursday will more than likely be the treadmil at the house because of the rain. I'm supposed to tackle the big run still, but i think i'll start out with 30 minutes and see how I feel after that. I don't want to push myself right out of the gate from 7 full days of rest. It feels much longer than 7 days.

Sweet cuppin cakes i am tired.

Out of commission

I was supposed to run Friday, Sunday and tomorrow. However, I am seven full days of rest from running. I also go to the sports medicine physician tomorrow so we’ll see what happens.

So I've got a thing for Nigella.

On Saturday I felt the urge to run, the want to run. I was all angsty inside and wanted to get it out, running usually helps that. So it’s hard to not run. I found myself looking for things to keep myself busy. Big Bro and I went out to Barnes & Noble and I picked up a few magazines. Normally, it’s gay themed or cooking magazines. This time it was two running and one Nigella Lawson on a cover of a gay themed magazine that got my attention. 

It was so strange but really cool that I felt happy and content reading these magazines.  I never think of myself as a runner but it’s slowly starting to change. The fact I’m following the Boston Marathon on Twitter today too, proves I’m a bit nerdy.

New Shoes!

Sunday, Big Bro & I checked out the Adirondack Summer Sport & Fitness Expo in Saratoga. He got fit for orthotics and I ended up walking around, finally testing out some Vibram 5 fingers shoes, and falling in love with a bamboo t-shirt from Hooked Productions that was not available in a large at the expo. I put on the 5 fingers and they felt weird at first, then I walked in them a bit, they felt better. They were 50% off cause it was the last day of the expo and they were trying to lighten their load. So I ended up buying my pair for 45 dollars.

While Big Bro was getting fit, the guy from The Mountain Goat was talking about anterior compartment syndrome, everything he was saying sounded like what was going on in my shin. While I still need to go to the doctor tomorrow, it was an interesting conversation. The guy said sometimes the doctors recommend cutting the sheath so the muscle has more room but he talked about how that just creates more scar tissue. Big Bro bought a tool that makes it easier to roll out pressure on various limbs and such. When I rolled it over my shin, calf & thigh it was a release of pressure & pain that felt good and painful at the same time.

So I am keeping my fingers crossed about tomorrows appointment, that maybe it’s just a bit of sports massage that is needed and nothing too serious that will take me out.

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope

When I hit the wall, I reached out for help, life support from Tiny Dancer, runner camaraderie & friend support from D, and technical support from Dragon.

I facebook messaged Dragon* right after my run. I knew I needed a bit of coaching support and he had offered on an earlier day that if I needed someone to talk to he was there.

The message I sent was simple.

“Dragon, I could use a pep talk mixed in with how to spot overuse/over training call. Any time of day or night. –Hollie”

He called me later that evening and we talked about my shin about when to see a sports medicine physician, what to look for in one as well. We talked about form, pace, stride rate.  How many days a week I was running? That hitting a wall was inevitable but you can get through it. That if I wanted to run the boilermaker I should just run the boilermaker no matter how long it takes me. That mid-foot or forefront running is a good thing to look at and to just relax my feet & let them flap a little. That when he’s home for Easter maybe the Dragon family and the Miller’s can go for a little 3 mile run together.

He talked to me about stride rate and asked if I knew about it and if I knew what my rate was. I knew that stride rate was how quickly your feet took each step. I however, have no clue what my stride rate is. So Dragon said “that’s the only thing I want you to focus on right now, 180 that’s the magic number. It will feel like exaggerated baby steps", he said. However, he did not know how comforting those three words are to me.

For most runners there is a magic number of 180 (or 90 counting one foot) in one minute is the magic number to be striding at a rate that is using your muscles efficiently. Dragon said “it’s a magic number because no one can tell me why it’s 180, it’s just magic.”

He said he would send me some stuff for me to look at, as well as stuff for my one day a week cross training he suggested I add. He sent me awesome stuff. I’ve spent the past two days looking at everything he has given me.

I also found a sports medicine physician, where they have a sports medicine center and it’s in the same Schenectady office that was great with my shoulder surgery. I’m going in on Tuesday to have the doc take a look at my shin. As even today with one day of rest, my right leg & shin feel great but my left is throbbing a bit and a bit of wincing on the stairs occurred as well.

I know there are some of you who take a gander at this who are running as well, so I’m including the links Dragon sent me because they are great and this will make it easier for me to find down the road again.

What Dragon Recommends:
Stride rate stuff!
180 bpm: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRgTxa5ak8I
180 bpm: http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-238-267--11604-0,00.html
180 bpm music: http://www.dailymile.com/forums/general-running/topics/577-songs-in-the-165-180-bpm-range-i-need-more
180 bpm music: http://www.facebook.com/ladysouthpawmusic#!/ladysouthpawmusic

Running Right "video is sales pitch for shoes, you don’t need the shoes but the info in the video on form is good"

What is forefoot running?  “pay special attention to the "jog".  that's what you should be doing right now.  worry about speed later.”

*Dragon helps coach runners in the NYC Team In Training program and he's an awesome member of The Disco Squad. (I'm evnious of his adventures in running, but he's confident I can get there if I want to)

Hitting the Wall

When I hear the words “Hitting the Wall”, it sounds like Ben Folds singing “Missing the War”. You could say I hit my first wall; I don’t really like to admit that I hit a wall but I did. I’m still in the middle of getting through it but I definitely fell flat into the wall yesterday.

Yesterday was my scheduled training run; it was also the longest run for the span of 14 weeks. It’s the first set of repeats where the running is more than the walking. I had gone to the park because all the trails are open now and it gives me a glimpse of running a road race where there is little inclines spread throughout the path. Monday I had run in the park and I logged 3.6 miles and with running & walking I was at a pace of 16’19” for the 1^st mile, 16’30” the 2^nd mile, and 17’21 the 3^rd mile. My legs felt like lead but I did two loops of the park.

Yesterday, I had been thinking about the long running time all day, it’s actually the workout I’ve been most scared of when I took an overview of the entire program. So mentally it’s a bit of a challenge for me. It’s the workout that when I get through it, I will know that the rest of the workouts are possible.

I started out on my run. It was cold & dreary but I loved running in that during my training in September & November. I made it through one full loop of the park. I was getting side stitches, my left shin was throbbing. I stopped to stretch my side out once and then stopped to try and stretch my shin out. I started walking after stretching out my shin and then the timer instructed me to “run now”. I tried. It hurt. Mentally I couldn’t fight that hurt.

I had been fighting all week mentally to not do something that makes me happy. I know that sounds stupid but I was trying to protect my heart. I felt so defeated after I stopped my run. I was having all of these thoughts rush through my head. EAT PIZZA was the first one. Then, eat ICE CREAM. Shovel food into your mouth, not for flavor but for gorging. Destroy your hard work, was the overarching theme. Drinking to excess & smoking also came to mind. I didn’t want to be thinking these things but they take over when I feel defeated. So, I stopped denying myself what I wanted. I called 3 people and sent an email from my phone saying I needed support.

The simple & silly conversation I had, the quick and dirty pep talk on my Facebook comments, the loving voicemail I was left, and the great shop talk evening phone call. It all gives a little spark to the soul and that’s what I need.

What I also came away with from all my conversations is that I am the one who sets my goals. Not other people. So what if I’m approaching death at the end of boilermaker? Die trying right? Also, I’ve got to find a sports medicine specialist, preferably one who is also an endurance athlete.  I’ve got something working in my left shin that I need to have someone look at.

My mini goals:

1.       See sports medicine specialist

2.       Count my stride rate – only focus on that

3.       Throw in one day of cross training a week.

Sturm und Drang

Sturm und Drang, upon literal translation means storm and urge, but it’s most often known as storm and stress. 

If you know me, you’ve seen the tattoo that resides on my right forearm. It is a mobius strip, known to many others as the infinity symbol.  The idea for the tattoo came from a majority of the reading that I was doing around 2006. I was reading Parker J. Palmer’s, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2004). 

It was the idea that when thinking about a life, most people think if something is missing that there is some hole that needs to be filled. A hole has an inside and an outside. If you take that same line that creates a hole and place a twist in the line so the inside & outside share the same space and are allowed to ebb and flow, or sturm und drang, the acceptance of the sturm und drang will help to bring an ease or fulfillment to one’s life.

I chose the placement of the tattoo as a reminder, that when I see the inner sadness I have at times, that it is ok to sit with it, reflect upon it and then find a way to carry on, back into enjoyment.  I went back to the Center for Courage & Renewal’s website and there were quotes to remind me that

“To move towards such wholeness we must become more self-aware and accepting of our gifts and strengths as well as our shadows and limits.”

Parker Palmer and The Center for Courage and Renewal are two things I find myself going back to when I need to find some sort of center, force for cognizance, or truth (little t or big T truth). The sense of solitude and strength that comes from within is at time amazing to me.  One of the beliefs that I cherish from Parker Palmer is the idea of the Circle of Trust. It is an entire approach for personal & professional renewal.  Mainly what I love is this:

“Everyone has an inner teacher: Every person has access to an inner source of truth, named in various wisdom traditions as identity, true self, heart, spirit or soul. The inner teacher is a source of guidance and strength that helps us find our way through life’s complexities and challenges. Circles of Trust give people a chance to listen to this source, learn from it and discover its imperatives for their work and their lives.”

As I sit here typing I think about tomorrow. It is my longest training run and the beginning of week 6. My friend D, reminded me the other night that I still have 3 months of training ahead of me and that amazing things can happen in that time. Yet, I find my heart still wavering. My heart is wavering in what it wants right now in many ways.

What I do know is I keep finding amazing resources and amazing things to read. What I want now is just some silence to think about all these things.  Silence, music, and good coffee.

Center for Courage & Renewal. (n.d.) Retrieved from http://www.couragerenewal.org/about/foundations

Power songs & worst case scenarios

This weekend was minus running. I wanted to take it easy on my knee since Friday at work using the stairs the little that I had, seemed to aggravate it. Saturday I walked a little with two friends and their dogs around the park, probably two miles work of walking and I did ok.

I told a few of my friends. I’m in a rut for my motivation.

I know that it is probably due to the fact that I’ve been working on the treadmill for the past few weeks instead of running outside. However, I know it’s also because I have some doubts, some fears and because I also have those in my active life besides my running life….well I’m struggling with my doubts.

Can I really have everything that I want?  In my running, active, and work life.

That sounds very douchy, I know.  

In talking with a friend this past weekend I explained that I have a really good life. I have a job that pays me money & gives me health benefits (but is unfulfilling). I have activities in my non-work life that keep me busy.  I have friends who understand me and make me laugh.

I should be happy & content with all of that. Yet, I’m looking to grow – to push myself. Safe, content, stationary. Those are all the words that my anxiety disorder craves. That my disorder craves. Challenge, fight, glory. Those are the words that I crave.

So that goes into my running world. Talking to a friend who is an accomplished runner, she heard me talk about running, where I’m at. She listened to my worst case scenario plan for The Boilermaker, which is that if I can run/walk 4 miles in 52 minutes, then 9.6 miles in 3 hours feels possible. She said you don’t want to have to do that race in 3 hours; if I can't run it in 2 hours I shouldn't do it; it’s the heat that will kill you. That maybe I should look for a 10K and go for that and not take on The Boilermaker.  She is right about the heat, possibly even right about the race.

Could I just race a 10K and feel good about myself. Yes, I could. It’s a safe and achievable goal. The Boilermaker feels just like it’s on the edge of crazy. It’s a challenge, a fight, and when I finish it I will have personal glory. (I could die through the whole race – there are a million “what ifs” & I don’t imagine looking pretty at the end of the race)

My friend D who I am running the race with told me she drove the race course this weekend, that there is one intimidating hill (which there could be more hills, just ones less intimidating to D – so I have to confirm that with her).  It makes me nervous. I am scared of giving up, especially when I feel unmotivated.

So today I’m searching for anything to shake me up, get me in the right frame of mind. I heard U2’s Beautiful Day as I drove into work this morning. So, I’m placing it on the list of power songs. I know the strength is inside me to get through everything I am going through. I just can’t see an endpoint; and well, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I don’t need an end point. Maybe I just need to keep going.

Bad form Peter.

Last night I decided to use the treadmill because it was still a little windy outside and I had to be out for an hour and by the time I was finished it would have been dark out. So I stretched a little, got ready to start my workout, and I was doing really well. I made it to the 4^th out of 10 running section and then my knee started to hurt. It wasn’t a hurt that was a sore hurt it was a “hey I really notice that pain when I land” hurt. Then I started to notice the pain a bit more.  I slowed it down to a walk and I still noticed the pain.

I hobbled off the treadmill, up the three steps and I grabbed all my ice packs and set up the foam wedge on my bed so I could elevate my legs. I learned the R.I.C.E method of Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation (plus take anti-inflammatory meds) from my many days of trying to be a varsity volleyball player (I really sat on the bench a lot) I wasn’t feeling any pain because I took my aleve and my Formula 303 and I just rested.

Last night I posted a picture of my sad story on facebook and got asked a few questions, so I’m going to attempt to answer them here…

My fancy ice packs for my knees. They are the greatest things ever. I own four of them so I could ice both knees and not have to worry about refreezing the ones I just used. You can get them through CVS’s website – they are called PEAS ice packs. The straps on them allow you to really get them snug to your knee, so I like them a lot. My other ice packs are from Walgreens and they are just the compression ice pack. I wish I had more of them because at times I could use two whole ones on each leg icing down my shins but I make do with what I have.

I keep saying how poor form caused me to twist my knee last night. It’s because I keep experimenting with my form. The best thing to keep in mind is to run with good posture. Keep your back fairly straight, keep your head up, shoulders relaxed, arms bent loosely but kept close into the body not swinging past your belly button,  imagine your hands are inside a snack size bag of potato chips, and keep your stride comfortable.

Yet there is more about form that you can work with. Many of my friends run with the POSE  or CHI method. I have read about them through various sites ( runners world )  and I try to grasp my head around them. This is where some of my experimentation lies. I try to lean forward at the ankles a little, I try to land on the middle of my foot instead of my heel, and I try to make sure my big toes are not crouching upward. I try to focus on my breath, think about my mental state while running, and let the sound of my strike pattern work like a metronome.  Running Warehouse has a way you can film your gait and send it to them that I keep wanting to do.

The only reason I mess around with my form is because my shins hurt when I started and my toes kept on curling upward, so I had friends who are runners who would suggest watching little things. There is also a really great photo time lapse series in the book The 4 Hour Body that shows how someone’s form can change from regular to proper form.  I say don’t get caught up in form when you are first starting to walk/run. I only started getting caught up in it during the C25K when I had to run my first 20 minutes without walking.  I do think about it a lot more now because I am going farther distances, trying to build my endurance, and trying to not tire out my legs as quickly as they are tiring some days.

So for right now, I’ll take my Saturday run off and I’ll try the end of week five for C210K on Monday. If things still feel weird I’ll give it another day and probably make a doctor’s appointment. But I can tell it’s not that serious of a pain and my leg is just a little stiff today, nothing a casual stroll outside at lunch time won’t cure.

TPC: Elephant Shell & Champ

First off, I need a Dapper Dan moment of silence in fond appreciation......



http://www.valetmag.com/style/products/2011/twisted-classic-bape-leather-wing-tip-brogues-040611.php



These shoes are amazing. I wish I had them, amazing. They have the classic style of a wing-tip with witty youthful details, why yes, I do believe its love.

________

While I am in a good mood today I do have one thing that was a bit upsetting. (not really the right word but can’t find the right fit) My mom had urged me to step on the scale this morning. A few posts ago I wrote how I don’t use the scale to keep track of my accomplishments. I do keep track of my weight however when I do check it. It goes in a program that makes a chart so I can see the shifts and changes.  I stepped on the scale and was 2.5 pounds heavier. I saw this look in my mom’s eyes, like she was sad for me. I however knew that I ate like crap last week and that it could be muscle being built and that I had reduced my body fat. It took my mom about a minute to get to that realization and then blurt it out in the morning in an “I love you anyway and I’m trying to be supportive” tone.

Last night I ran later than normal. I came home and was famished so I ate dinner first. Normally it would be ok but I thought about cramping and how long I should wait before running. The average time was about 1-2 hours for full digestion. I didn’t have two hours, so I got to about 50 minutes of digestion before jumping on the treadmill. While it was an easier feeling run, I found myself cramping up at bit at the end of each running section but recovering through the walk portion.  I also found that during the 2 minutes 30 seconds of running that I like to look down at the clock after a minute and a half of running.  Each time I thought I was pushing myself longer before looking at the clock and each time I would be frustrated that a few times I looked after only a minute.

I’m looking forward to a bit of warmer weather on Thursday and I’ve snuck a peek at East-West road when I’ve driven by. So I am hoping the entire park is rid of snow on the alternate paths. I’d really like to run outside and transition back to the road instead of the treadmill.

After last night’s run I went out to a rock show in downtown Albany. I went to see Tokyo Police Club. If you like Vampire Weekend, VHS or Beta, Weezer, Yo La Tengo or The Decemberists – well I think you might enjoy these lovely Canadian lads. The opening act of Hollerado was actually decent (to the point of possible purchase).  I stood for two hours amongst a sea of upstate college hipster men wearing every version of plaid, nerdy girls with quirky t-shirts with giant X’s on their hands, and adults out late on a work night (like me).

Although my legs and hips are paying for it this morning, it was so worth it. 1. Because I went out by myself, not stopping my enjoyment because of being scared of being alone someplace. 2. Because I love music.  3. Because you have to live life to share your life and have someone be attracted to what you share.

Martin Sheen...he played Kennedy once

When I started this blog I thought it would mostly be about my running journey. I mean I have a personal blog that I keep important non filtered and non-censored posts. Yet it’s a mixture of running, food issues, and emotional items. I mean all of those things combined equate health, so I figure its fair game.

Today is a day for running. I momentarily thought about waking up early and running. It’s still somewhere in the back of my mind that many long distance dedicated running get up early and run their little hearts out before the rest of the world is starting their day. I used to be the early riser wake up and go right to the gym when I worked with a trainer. It made sense; it was on my commute to work. Still, this morning I thought about it, then I let the thought go back to sleep.

I didn’t bring my stuff to work to run either. It’s just I love that darn treadmill at home, it’s also not wanting to think about an extra change of clothes to go to the event I want to go to later.

I also didn’t want to run this morning and wanted to do it later this evening as a hope to wake my ass up later. I’m starting the take chances part of my life, trying to have ownership of my happiness. So I’m going out later tonight. A band I enjoy is coming into town so I’m heading out to a show that starts at 9pm. It’s not like my job requires a large amount of alertness in the morning, so I’m taking it back – I’m taking them all back.

Compromise

This weekend was all about compromise. There were times when it worked in my favor and times when it worked against me. The prior week’s had been rough and I was looking forward to spending time over the weekend with several groups of friends reconnecting and recommitting to my friendships.

Sunday morning I woke up, hopped on the treadmill and pulled out my longest training session to date.  It was a full 68 minutes.  I’m working up to next week’s 78 minute training session.  It was a nice run. My legs didn’t feel like lead as they had on Friday. I had to slow my pace down a bit towards the end of my run but I kept going. I must also admit that with my gallivanting around on Saturday I smoked about four cigarettes. I knew this would kill my lungs on Sunday but I crave hurtful things when I am drinking. (it’s a weakness I’m working on) Each day this weekend I had a drink, which is a lot for me. Friday night I had too much to drink, and the rest of the weekend my hydration suffered. Saturday I had a small beer, and Sunday I ran to earn that Bloody Mary at brunch.

At Sunday brunch I pulled out my calendar to make some dates with the newly formed brunch club and I was surprised by my April and how much I’ve got going on. Some comments were made during this weekend's events that were welcomed (like Hollie’s circle of friends runs very wide and you’d be surprised who she’s connected to.) and other comments that were not welcomed – that I sat with in the evening hours.

I spent time this weekend doing things I love. I shared many of meals with friends, watched movies with my brother, drank some very needed (and strong) Margarita’s, and I drove around in the sunshine singing show tunes. I felt good.

A while ago I had given myself permission. Permission to compromise my heart until I felt my obligations were fulfilled, I know this sounds vague.  Well, I had that last moment this weekend. It was terribly hard and I am glad that I am busy the month of April.

So now the only compromise I’ll make is to which thing I love more. Not which will make someone else happier instead of me. I’m going to take April for myself and we’ll see how this goes.

mama wants

I have been waiting forever for this to come out. I could have bought it yesterday but I hesitated. Now it's out of stock. However, it's a want and not a need.

but mama likes.

Workforce Challenge

So I get to add another race to my spring schedule which is great. I’m excited to have two 5K’s under my belt for the season before running in The Boilermaker.

Last year I got to see several people run in the CDPHP Workforce Challenge in Albany.  It’s basically the same race route as the Freihofer's Run for Women too. So it will be neat to see how I improve between the two races.

Today I’m attempting the training run I couldn’t make it through on Wednesday. I’m determined to get through it. I really want to. I’m feeling a bit of a Saddened Steve momentum overtaking my life right now. I just want to burst through with a little happy.

My food journal is also looking at me like she’s not too happy with me. OK, let’s get this right, I’m not too happy with me and my food choices lately. It’s been a lot of emotional eating, so lots of extras, and lots of little things that I don’t really need. Also I haven’t eaten a meal at home since Tuesday.  These are all things that I need to take a look at. My two Fluffernutter sandwiches for lunch today are not helping. The donuts & bagel sandwich this morning didn’t help either.  The pizza, desert, and margarita’s I’ll consume this evening also won’t help. So I’ve got to set a clean date again. It might be Monday because I’ve got a lot going on this weekend.