beating a dead horse

I finally completed day 1 of week 6 in my couch to 10 K program. I had to repeat it three times before I made my way through the whole thing. A 5 minutes warm up, then run 3 minutes, and walk 2 minutes - repeat that 13 times, then a 5 minute cool down. That's a total of 73 minutes. it's the longest workout in the program and I had been dreading it the entire time.

With that 73 minutes I logged 5 miles. A few others things happened too.

I got my "in the zone gaze" down again. I explain it like this. Some people while in a desert hallucinate that they see water. I have a running image. I pick a focal point and I place that image there. I end up having tunnel vision and I don't see anything else. I keep my head up and my focus right on that point. Then I think about what that image means to me. It's validation, it's strength, it's knowing that someone believes in me.

I also felt the affect of forefoot running. I felt like I was going to fall over all the time but I didn't. When I trusted it, running felt easier. I was astonished on how after 5 miles my legs did not feel like lead. It was awesome.

I had a new play list too. I worked on downloading everything (cheaper than the itunes play list) of a 2.8 hour long play list where the songs were from 140 BPM to 180 BPM.

All of these things are great and I should feel a sense of accomplishment and I do. Yet, I couldn't get motivated to run yesterday. I also felt really fat yesterday even though my jeans were falling off of me. Mostly, I feel fat when I don't like myself. When I get angry at the decisions I make. Food can sometimes become a punishment. I ate a huge meal at 3pm and I didn't eat again until 9:30 at night and it was ice cream (which the being in the company of my favorite band made it totally worth it)

I knew what I wanted to do yesterday and I compromised again.  I wanted a small lunch, to run my run, and then to go up to see Wildwoodstock. I worked a conference over the weekend too, so I don't feel like I had any down time. I went from work conference on Friday to running, to dinner & sleeping at my friends house. Work conference Saturday, to an hour nap, to dinner & friends birthday, to being hungover, to lunch with my brother, to Wildwoodstock, to Stewarts, to Rotterdam. I want to get away and I really don't have the free time to do it, as the next three weekends are booked.

I'm hoping that I get some breakthrough, some thing that shakes me out of this funk that I am in. I shouldn't be sad and I am sad. I just play the part of not being sad really well. November is my season for SAD not May. It is bothering me that I feel no control over my emotions. It's another hope that as I put my first race bib on for the season that I'll get excited and that excitement will carry me from month to month, that I just need a little reminder on why I run.

Power songs & worst case scenarios

This weekend was minus running. I wanted to take it easy on my knee since Friday at work using the stairs the little that I had, seemed to aggravate it. Saturday I walked a little with two friends and their dogs around the park, probably two miles work of walking and I did ok.

I told a few of my friends. I’m in a rut for my motivation.

I know that it is probably due to the fact that I’ve been working on the treadmill for the past few weeks instead of running outside. However, I know it’s also because I have some doubts, some fears and because I also have those in my active life besides my running life….well I’m struggling with my doubts.

Can I really have everything that I want?  In my running, active, and work life.

That sounds very douchy, I know.  

In talking with a friend this past weekend I explained that I have a really good life. I have a job that pays me money & gives me health benefits (but is unfulfilling). I have activities in my non-work life that keep me busy.  I have friends who understand me and make me laugh.

I should be happy & content with all of that. Yet, I’m looking to grow – to push myself. Safe, content, stationary. Those are all the words that my anxiety disorder craves. That my disorder craves. Challenge, fight, glory. Those are the words that I crave.

So that goes into my running world. Talking to a friend who is an accomplished runner, she heard me talk about running, where I’m at. She listened to my worst case scenario plan for The Boilermaker, which is that if I can run/walk 4 miles in 52 minutes, then 9.6 miles in 3 hours feels possible. She said you don’t want to have to do that race in 3 hours; if I can't run it in 2 hours I shouldn't do it; it’s the heat that will kill you. That maybe I should look for a 10K and go for that and not take on The Boilermaker.  She is right about the heat, possibly even right about the race.

Could I just race a 10K and feel good about myself. Yes, I could. It’s a safe and achievable goal. The Boilermaker feels just like it’s on the edge of crazy. It’s a challenge, a fight, and when I finish it I will have personal glory. (I could die through the whole race – there are a million “what ifs” & I don’t imagine looking pretty at the end of the race)

My friend D who I am running the race with told me she drove the race course this weekend, that there is one intimidating hill (which there could be more hills, just ones less intimidating to D – so I have to confirm that with her).  It makes me nervous. I am scared of giving up, especially when I feel unmotivated.

So today I’m searching for anything to shake me up, get me in the right frame of mind. I heard U2’s Beautiful Day as I drove into work this morning. So, I’m placing it on the list of power songs. I know the strength is inside me to get through everything I am going through. I just can’t see an endpoint; and well, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I don’t need an end point. Maybe I just need to keep going.

The Mixtape

"A mix tape.
He made a mix tape.
He was thinking of me,
Which shows he cares!
Sometimes when someone
Has a crush on you
They'll make you a mix tape

To give you a clue." - Avenue Q

I am a machine, a robot. When I run or workout I like to have music. It can be inspiring just look at my post about my Turkey Trot and "Dog Days Are Over" Not only am I a machine, I like to think I'm an audiophile. I'm no hipster with my music being all mysterious and saying things like "you've probably never heard of them before". I like everything - well except non mainstream Metallica. I just need things to have a good beat to them and be up tempo for when I am working out or I need them to be inspirational.

While I still stand by my motto of don't date a girl that quotes Justin Beiber, I must admit I have at least one J.Beibe'z* song on each play list dedicated to training runs. My recent play list of 10K Training Jamz is filled with all the pop tunes of the mainstream radio. Things I don't have to dedicate my mind to listening carefully to. Basically J. Beibe'z* song to me is just the chorus over and over again of "I will never say never".

Well, I've been checking out some music lately that has been on constant repeat. I like it. It makes me feel something. Yet it's slow and of a genre that I don't usually put on a mix-tape for training. I actually listen to the lyrics and it's like full "whoa". So it got me thinking about other music to run to. Could I run to some of my symphonic music, could I find enjoyment in jam band music, although I like the rock will the German lyrics of Rammstein throw me off, do I own enough Sirsy songs to make a upbeat run possible?

I will keep listing what my play lists are. Occasionally they are mix-tapes I've made for other people. (Yes, I am that guy) But I want to know what you listen to that gets your blood pumping, what you listen to when you work out, or when you escape the day? Maybe, if you are nice enough you can give me a theme and I'll make you a mix-tape and you'll live in infamy.

* Is to remember not to take myself seriously and to note my inner hipster heart.