As close as I can

Saturday I ran my 8 miles. The 8 miles that were to make me feel like I could actually run 13.1 this coming Sunday. In my head, I still believe I can. Still see myself finishing, yet there are some doubts as to what I can do.

I am having moments where I am loosing my breath and loosing my head while sitting at work. I'm pushing other aspects of my life into an arena that they ought not be. I'm so quiet and so small right now.

I went back and read my post "to remain selfless cold and composed" and everything  makes sense. It doesn't make it easier, it just makes more sense.

I have my plan. Race 4 miles at a time. Refuel each 4 miles. 2 camelbak's worth of drink for the race. Walk more if I need to. Stop if I'm injured.

This quote from that former post sums up a lot of feelings about good things that are happening within my life.

Still, inside there is doubt. It's part of who I am struggling with, part of the "changing the foundation, changes the house".  It feels unnatural to be confident and sure of yourself. So, I'm at odds with it. People can be all sorts of confident for me, but I'm the one who is running.

I want to feel this weight and pressure leave my chest. I want to be OK with being calm.  I looked at my time from the Hudson Mohawk Half Marathon. 3:34:00 My 8 miles came in around 2:20:00, meaning technically I have the ability to match my HMHM time. Really, I just want to come as close as I can.

Coming out of hibernation

I was planning on just taking a few weeks off, maybe even a month after my last race in December 15th. I had gotten sick on Christmas and it lasted through the new year.

January 13th & 15th I got out there and ran. The next week I followed that up too. Then I stopped. I had gotten sick again and started a new show.

Plus, I just wasn't motivated to run. (I'm still not motivated to run)

From January to February I've run a total of 14 miles. Most of those are due to using the Run, Zombies! App.

I'm on mission 6 now. While I enjoy it so much more when I can run with this outside, it does make the time pass quickly on the treadmill.

I had a friend email me and ask if I would be blogging again. It was nice to know someone liked reading my stuff. It was even nicer to have some external motivation to start up my running season in a serious manner.

Still, I would like some intrinsic motivation. I know I won't be joining USAfit this year and I'm unsure what my half marathon training will actually look like. I'm unsure of a lot of things truthfully.

I signed up for the Rabbit Ramble 4mile race at the end of this month. My official training starts next week, although I've been running 2 miles at least twice a week the past week or so.

I feel like I've put on a lot of weight lately. I don't know how much damage I've done. Running used to help me with anger but it never has really helped with the sadness. It helped keep the sadness at bay when I ran all the time but getting out of this slump, of not emotionally hurting in the downtime. That's the hard part.

It is hard to say that I don't care but that is all I want to say lately and I have to fight that. Fighting that and the pavement at the same time, well it's a challenge I have to fight through and I just want to hibernate.

And when I dream I run...

When I was a kid growing up, the SNICK show Roundhouse was like a dream come true for a budding improv actress & singer to watch. It was like all the stuff I wanted to do. I sang the theme song as my warmup (still do to this day, as superstition subscribes). There was this one song from the episode SPORTS that always stuck with me. This year, the song has echoed many moments for me.

They call me foolish one, for dreaming all the time. Races I will never run. But I wish (I wish) I could tell them how, my dreaming makes me feel. It may be true. I can't win now. They say I never will but I can dream, and when I dream I run. If I know that I can do it, it's as good as done and I know (I know), things are never hopeless as they seem, but it won't worry me, as long as i can dream. Hey look I'm running now. I'm really getting fast, I'm moving like the wind. I'm going to run my race, at last. I know that I can win. Cause I can dream and when I dream I run. If I know that I can do it it's as good as done, and I know (I know) that things are never hopeless as they seem, but it won't worry me, as long as I can dream.

 

2011-2012 mileage totals.

313.7 miles of running, 6.7 miles of walking (mostly to get my car after an evening of drinking)

How do I feel about that?

It leaves me proud but unsure.

That is what the thought of me running over 338.1 miles this running season has done to me. I often start my season in March and run all the way though December. This year I am questioning when I should pick up my training again. I say that perhaps I’ll pick it up after my birthday in January. I mean I’ve run outside in the snow before, as March is usually still snow covered grass months.  I also think about snowshoeing, especially since the Saratoga state park lets you rent snowshoes and there are trails in the park that I love, and many new ones that open up due to the blankets of snow.

However, my lacklustre attitude is stemming from the fact that I’ve been sick since almost thanksgiving. I’ve been on antibiotics since the beginning of December and I’ve been fighting a sinus and kidney infection. Most of my energy had been previously provided by sugar and caffeine. Two things that I was starting to get worried about my massive amounts of consumption.  

See, I had planned for a break, that from October to December, I would just run for fun and just have that and Laramie Project rehearsals. However, an opportunity presented itself. To stage manage and have it be a paid position. When I had said yes, only the show dates had been given to me, I thought I’d just be calling a show in order to give my friend a break, I didn’t know it was the whole things start to finish, so at the time,  it fit into my schedule and gave me a bit of time to rest still. That was until I asked about rehearsals and found out that my rest time was no longer there.

There were some days I was waking up early to run, going into work from 9-5, and then driving right to rehearsal at 6pm, from Sunday to Thursday. Then having my schedule shift from Thursday’s – Sunday’s for the show…While it worked for the actors and the directors, it didn’t really work for me, so I was swept up into a rigorous schedule maybe three weeks after my half marathon. The show, theatre, and actors were a great experience and I enjoyed my time there. It’s just that my body did not enjoy the time.

I lived off caffeine and faster food options.  Sundays & Tuesdays, I rehearsed for Laramie. It left me with the occasional Friday or Wednesday open. While I wanted to sleep, I kept having to cancel social engagements left and right with people. So I started feeling the need to schedule in relationships. Everything was pre-planned, arranged, and blocked out for weeks, everything except rest.

I thought I was getting better through my first round of antibiotics but Christmas Day came and so did a second round of sickness. I called in and took the rest of the week of using y vacation time. I tried for two days to be a trooper and then I called my parents to come and get me and take care of me. I couldn’t make decisions, couldn’t cook for myself, and couldn’t travel further than 100 feet.

So I know I’ve got to take a break. I’ve got to be OK with not running right now. I’ve got to be OK without knowing what races I want to run this next year. There are many staples to my race season and I am not sure if I’ll get to run them this coming year. So I’ve got to find new things, new races, new ways and places to run.

I’ve got miniature goals I am dreaming about, being able to fully run (not run/walk) a 10K, running the BoF again, finding a half marathon to run, seeing if I can run a 10K in 80 minutes, I’d like to do the trail running series with ARE. I like keeping track of  how many people around me start to get into running and August 2013, which is if I stay on track with just my food journaling, is the projected month for me to hit my big goal of weight loss.

So I’ve got some goals, I just can’t really think about all of them. I need to just rest.

And if you know me, that is my biggest challenge.

13 Days

You are supposed to take off one day for every mile after you run a big race. 13.1 miles = 13 days. Which is good because my doctor had said 2 weeks no running. I had a possible soft tissue injury and needed to keep impact to a minimum. So I attempted biking and some weights. I used to be so proficient biking on a recumbent machine. It's hard that I actually like mine over the fancy ones at the gym. Too bad it's permanent home is at my parents for now. (I don't have space for it, nor do I want to carry that beast up two flights of stairs)

Today Tiny Buddha hit me with three articles that struck right to the core of what I have been thinking and feeling lately.

You Will Not be the Same Person When you Achieve your Goal
How to Free Yourself from the Cycle of Social Fear
Learning to Stop Clinging to People: Know That You Are Loved

 

Those 13 days spent "resting", were more like 13 days "just not running". Work has changed. I've become bolder, more confident in my skills, more honest with my intelligence. I gave a presentation to my whole building explaining what my team does and how it's a viable profession. I got a lot of positive feedback, not only on the content but on my presentation skills. I managed to bring a committee conversation that was getting off topic back to where it needed to be by politely shutting down a very difficult faculty member. The position I've been dreaming & scheming of being created here is potentially possible and I made it very clear that my intentions were to apply for it. The media lab I manage is expanding and I am in charge of some really big items now.

All of this however has been taking it's toll on me. I'm on the verge of getting the sickness everyone else had last week. I'm "living on a latte and a prayer" (that whole song is really how I feel currently) . I'm fighting my inner demons left and right. Fighting the fear that success is something I can't handle.

All through training I knew what my priorities were. Run, eat healthy, stay hydrated. My social life struggled, my theater world put on hold, work was a necessary evil. I like that life. It is hard to admit that. Now that I have to start to bring things & friendships back into my life, it's just fucking hard.

This is my November:

This is my schedule and I haven't even put all of the rehearsals in for the show I'm stage managing and if I get into a show I'm auditioning for in November, well that somehow has to fit on the calendar too. Plus, I'm preparing to teach this January term (so it's reading the chapters and looking at the assignments in advance)

I had to run from work to a read through rehearsal last night. I had 20 minutes to get food and eat it. Like an addict to its dealer, I went right to McDonald's. I always talked to my running friends about a theater lifestyle, how different they are. Now, I'm facing trying to have all three things at the same time. My healthy life choices, success at work, and a vivid theater life. It is terrifying. Its also doing all this and trying to reach out to my core group of friends, instead of depending on just one or two people. I'm exhausted and I don't have a break until next Thursday evening.

I'll run a 5K tomorrow. Tomorrow marks the 13th day. I know it's not the smartest way to come back but it's my favorite local race. I might be even slower than usual, or I might have to walk more of it than I want but that's what happens when you are coming back into the fold. It's also Kathy's first 5K, so I'm super excited for her. It's nice to have that perspective.

As my friend told me. Deep Breath, PB & J, Letterman, repeat. I'm throwing in Chocolate Milk in there for good measure too. I guess I'm training for Life now. Boy, I thought a half marathon was tough.

32 Discordant Metronomes

Science fact; If you put metronomes together on a moveable surface, they will eventually sync up and all be at the same tempo.

When I first started to run without music, I hated it. I disliked the silence that was always surrounding me while I ran. I could hear everything. Sometimes I still run with ear buds in my ear playing a good selection of music. Sometimes I make playlists for races to keep me in the right beats/steps per minute.

As I've continued to run this season, I've gone without music more often. Mostly as a way to recognize my pace without the use of a GPS watch. I started to notice how my breathing matched my footfalls and where my arm swing landed when taking a breath. I could hear my feet slap heavily when my body would reach the point of exhaustion.

I make a slight noise when I am running at a quicker pace, or if I'm focusing on my running. I vocally push forward my exhale. My exhale and footfalls create a metronome like state. I can focus in and get completely lost but if I am running with other people or within a race, I hear their rhythm. It will throw off my pace slightly, same with if I'm friendly and say hello. It makes me nervous for the half. I don't want to spend all my gas at the beginning, matching everyone else's rhythm. It also makes me nervous for when the super fast and fast marathoner's will start to pass me. I don't want to speed up to their tempo because I am hearing it all around me. I needed something to focus me.

These past few runs I have gone back and "beat" things that were difficult to me when I started running. I "beat" the "hills" in Saratoga Springs State Park, that I often was intimidated by. Last year I made it up one little hill (because more seasoned runners would call these small hills, I call them big hills - but not BOF hills) That one hill has a short downhill and then another hill. When I ran it on Saturday I wasn't afraid of it, I was excited for the challenge and I left my intervals behind and used the time to run up the hills.

Last night I went back to the crossings. I knew I had a 30 minute easy run scheduled. I knew keeping my pace, I should be able to get two miles in. About two loops of the yellow trail. I knew I run a 15 minute mile. I wondered if I could run it, not walk/run but run the full 15 minutes. I know. I'm not supposed to do anything different, I'm not supposed to change anything. Still I have to do things to shut up my own doubts. So I ran the first loop, ran the whole thing. Then I walked the backside of the Ciccotti Center to catch my breath and continued to run.

Why was this important to me? Last year at this time of year, I couldn't run the entire yellow trail. I could only run/walk it. I would be happy when a walk interval came at the bottom of the "hills" on the yellow trail. On one of our timed 5K's with BeRunning, Mary was right at the top of those hills shouting encouraging words to me. Every time I run those little hills, I think of her right at the top. This time, I did it and was smiling the whole time, mentally high fiving Mary.

On the second time around, I was faced with faster people on the trail throwing me off, or the largest congregation of dogs with friendly owners saying hello. My brain started thinking I couldn't run the half. I knew I needed to get rid of that thought. I started in with my metronome adding the words "I.CAN.DO.THIS" I kept going. After saying it a few times, I realized how easy it would be to change can to can't during the race. So I changed it. I started chanting inside "I.WILL.DO.THIS." It started on the back part of the yellow trail, the part a little bit before the post, near the gazebo close to the bathrooms. I kept going until I finished.

It felt nice. Not to just believe I am in better shape than last year but to actually experience it. Others can say it, can tell me I am ready. I just needed Saturday's run and last night's run to prove it to myself. Thursday's run will be my last before the race, I just want that run to be pretty (if it's possible) and relaxing.

Race day will come and I will line up and I will do this.

Let Love Move You

I have been reading a lot of inspirational items lately and watching a lot of inspirational training videos. Today, there was one with 18 motivational tips - the last one was "Let Love Move You". It hit me hard and sparked me to write this post, which I will also send out as an email.

Last night with USAFit, we had a send off party, some of our team were heading off to their respective races, others are tapering. My Half Marathon is in 20 days. I have been training for 5 months. It is something that I am very proud of.

My tapering started this Saturday, running just 8 miles and following it up the next day with a 3.5 light run. This coming Saturday is Color Me Rad, which is a 5K and I am not supposed to run it full out - to avoid injury. I'll run 3-4 miles the next day to keep my conditioning. The week following that is only 5 miles. Then it's race day.

So while I am winding down, I do hope you might ramp it up. What do I mean by this? I can't tell you what spectator support does for a runner. I can liken it to theater, how when you see your friends in the first few rows and try not to break character. There is something about a friendly smile, a person with a cowbell, or crazy signs. It's just awesome.

For instance, I was totally jealous of and jealous that I wasn't there for the "Joel Patrol". My friend and via distance coach Joel ran his first IronMan. His team, friends, and family were out there supporting him. Rachel wrote a post about the IronMan and it shows pictures of the Joel Patrol and some great signage for cheering on runners.

What can you do to support me on race day? You can do a couple of things. The largest thing you could do is volunteer - it takes a lot of backstage players to put on a large race. Packet pick ups, aid stations, directing people where to park, etc. Please think about volunteering if you have the time.

Secondly, you can come out and see the race. It's Sunday October 7th, starting at 8:30am. I run approximately 15 minute miles. So that can help you gauge when you'd need to be at a spot. Example, you want to cheer me on at mile 5 at the Maplewood School (32 Cohoes road Watervliet) then you should get there by 9:30 and hang out until 10:30 to cheer me on. You want to see me just over the half-way point at mile 7, then get to the Price Chopper Plaza at 1804 Second Ave,Watervliet between 9:45-10:45.

Holding signs, curing my fever with a little more cowbell, having small 8-10oz bottles of gatorade fruit punch, high fives, and lots of shouting my name are all awesome things you can do.

Being at either of those viewing stations, gives you enough time to travel down to the finish line . Or if you want, just go right to the finish line at the River Front park at the Corning Preserve. Be there between 11-11:45am and you'll get to see me be the proudest emotional wreck you'll ever see. For a map of the race route check out the Hudson Mohawk race page or look at their spectators guide, just remember I'm running the HALF marathon, cause I'm only HALF crazy, the spectators guide gives you notes on the whole marathon & half route.

Why do I want you there? Because I love you and I want you to see me happy, proud and accomplish something that is personally challenging. I want you to know what I sacrificed our Friday nights together for. I want you to experience my joy when I finish. I want you there with a hug. I want your love to move me further and faster than I've ever raced before.

What's in my pantry?

This weekend I face ten miles again. Jenika was there the last time, asking me what's in my pantry in order to get my panic attack to slow down. But tomorrow I will have ten miles of asking myself what's in my pantry? My pantry.

Canned Goods
Pasta and Rice
Miscellaneous
Beans
Baking Needs
Spices & Seasonings
Paper & Plastic

My pantry has it's staples, it's non perishable items. Heart and courage, canned and ready for long term storage. Humor and common sense, stiff when stored but flexible under hot water. Love and joy, sometimes mushy when left to sit for a long time. Friends and team support, when I need a plan and help to rise. Affirmations, when I need to pepper my journey and a wall of race bibs to show me what I have done.

Joel told me before to "get the fuck over" the fact I ran ten miles. I'm still astonished by it. It's not a "how did I do that", or an "I can't believe I did that", anymore. It's a I ran ten fucking miles. 

My pantry holds everything I have been storing up since March. In 30 days, I will test how well I have prepared. I have ten miles this weekend, next weekend I will face twelve, then I will taper with eight, then five.

The twelve, is the last time I'll get to run with my group. I have Color Me Rad on the weekend of eight miles, and then I have a commitment the next weekend as well. When talking to Jenika I said it as "it's just five miles and I can take that on my own."

Joel told me there would be a day when that would happen.

I face my ten miles with my group but on my own. I get to prove to myself that this all isn't a dream.

Know that where there’s fear, there’s power

It's funny because on the drive into work I was thinking about fear. Thinking about how I am not afraid to die, I had to make peace with that when it was very unknown. My fear is that getting better is improbable, note I did not say impossible.

Then when I got into work there was an article about fear in my news feed. The article "A Simple Process to Turn Fear into Power" by Leanne Kallal over at Tiny Buddha, was a welcomed read this afternoon.

On November 3, 2008 I had written the following in my LiveJournal:

I am terrified and using humor a bit too much to make light of the situation. I had a few doctors appointments on Friday. I was just expecting simple things and maybe some tests for my back. But my eye doctor noticed that I had some swelling in my optic nerve of both eyes.Thursday at 2pm I have an MRI to rule out a brain tumor. I am getting pretty low because I am beating myself up over my weight. but i am also scared because I won't know if it's a brain tumor or not until later in the week. In the mean time I am in a lot of pain with my head and my back. I'm still at work and still trying to keep myself moving and doing things with people. but i'm scared. I know things will be fine in the end but it's this journey i am scared of and just may need a little support through it.

Look at those first words. "I am terrified".  Until January of 2010, I was in a doctor's office at least twice a week. I was taking upwards of 12 pills each morning. I was fearful of everything. I didn't know if I could survive through a night of karaoke with friends because it was so loud and I didn't know if I could act and sing because it might be too loud in my head and hurt, I didn't know how to answer friends when they asked if I was going to die. I was closing myself off from people, I was stressed out from work, I became sick of being sick. It's taken a lot of patience to be OK with having this disorder that causes me chronic pain. I don't talk about it much with people and often I can block it out on a daily basis, I've just gotten used to the pain. I've been stoic or humorous more often than honest.

After my last few long runs, where I was running over 2 hours or pushing myself up a giant hill, I could feel pain. There are many things that can cause the pain to be more noticeable. The change of the seasons, change in barometric pressure, stress, or just the disorder itself. I noticed it before the Bridge of Flowers run and quickly made a comment to my counterparts of what I was allergic to, just in case.

I forget that others haven't had four years to process this. When I explain what occurs for me on a daily basis and what things can potentially happen (due to them occurring in the past) it can be terrifying. Often, I am treated as a sick person. I no longer am Hollie, I am a liability or a burden to bare. I made the choice to be honest with my coaches. A lot of things happened afterward, some good and some bad but most based out of fear. Fear for my safety, fear for the liability of the program, fear that this was another thing that had to be handled.

I get it, I honestly do. I am very casual about the extremes I can go through because I went through my stages of grief after being diagnosed. I cried, got angry, and felt let down. As I learned more about my disorder and how to listen to my body, I was able to go off a lot of medicine and manage most of the pain through quitting my stressful job and taking nine months to rest (thanks car accident, I'll always be thankful for that) - but I didn't get to explain that, that I am a lot better than I was. Once again my perception became that, I was a sick person, no longer Hollie, a liability and a burden to bare.

It hurt me. I know that wasn't the intent. Believe me, I know it. Safety was the intent. Doing the right thing was the intent. So I took time off from work and scheduled doctors appointments. I was fearful of what they would say. I was fearful that they would tell me that I can't, couldn't, or shouldn't run. But they heard me, they heard me tell them everything I was doing to make sure I was being healthy. I was already doing everything they would have prescribed.

So now, I just have to wait. I have to hand in my doctors notes and wait. Is there fear associated with that? Yes, there is a lot of fear associated with that. I had made statements over the weekend, things like "I feel like my friends have been taken away from me in one fell swoop", "I feel like all my hard work is just being thrown out the window", "I feel like this is just something I can't talk honestly about", "I feel like someone else is making the decision that I can't run". Do I still have all those fears? Yes. Yes I do.

All that fear, it pushed me. To take action and responsibility for myself. To get all the information requested as quickly as possible. To handle things differently. That fear was with me when I attempted my 9 miles on Monday.  It's what drove me to prove I could do it on my own, that as long as a doctor said I wasn't hurting that myself, that irregardless of the decision from my running group - I could still make it to my half marathon, team or no team.

On my own?

No, I'm not talking  Les Misérables, nor am I talking about the Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald song. I am talking about something else. 

This weekend I had some things come up that caused me to make different choices. This time I chose time with friends over running. I had a really bad day on Friday. I felt let down, irate, and abandoned. Things that are not so great for someone who's survived abuse, anger management issues, and abandonment issues. 

I took my time that I needed, went to the batting cages and got out some of my anger.  But because I took care of myself, because I did the right thing, now I'm forced to look at some hard truths. 

I missed a 9 mile run. I need to make up those 9 miles. I need to make up those 9 miles on my own.

The thing that is hard about the run I am facing tonight is, that there is no one waiting for me to finish. It feels like going out for a hike in the woods without telling anyone what mountain you are hiking. For reasons lately, that's a little out of my comfort zone. 

I've been appreciative that each weekend I have had a spot for a finish line where these new friends are waiting for me. I have a great coach who runs with me almost every weekend, but she won't be running the half with me. I will be running that on my own. The group, well they'd send out a search party if I didn't make it in. For reasons lately, that has been a sense of comfort for me.

However tonight, I will run on my own. It sounds dramatic, I know. At the same time, it feels dramatic. I know the path I will take. I know I'll keep my runkeeper live! on (http://runkeeper.com/user/hollie.miller)

I will have my phone on me and there are constant park patrols out. It just feels like my sense of safety has been taken away.  I know it's not true and I know I'm really not going into details, so I don't make much sense.

It's funny because I used to run on my own and scoff at group running. Now look at me, terrified to go for a run on my own. It's not the running part that's frightening, it's the distance. But i've got my plan. I've stayed well hydrated all weekend, I'm taking in a fair amount of salt today, for the run itself I've got 96oz of nuun, 40oz of water, a bag of some salt, and a gu packet. I've got my recovery beverage plan too.

Now, this post isn't to solicit partners in crime for my run tonight. It's to get some things off my chest, for myself, not for anyone else. That's why I'm running - for myself, not for anyone else. So tonight, there is no can't being said, there are only my have to's and want to's.

The BoF

Over the weekend I did something that I had always wanted to do. I was asked if I wanted to go on a little running road trip with my running friends and tackle The Bridge of Flowers (BoF) 10K, in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts. Now, I know what you are thinking "Hollie, The Boilermaker is a running road trip." That it is, but the Boilermaker started out as a running trip with friends I had before I started running. When I joined BeRunning, I saw these groups of adults making friends and doing stuff outside of BeRunning. I was super jealous.

When I was asked if I wanted to go, I said yes instantly. I actually think I stopped listening to the rest of the race description. As the weeks crept up towards the race, I would ask how some of the hills we were running compared to the giant hill. The word "worse" kept being repeated. Still, I pressed on thinking, really how bad could it be?

This is the elevation

I looked at the course elevation profile. I don't know why it didn't register with me. Perhaps those little stick figure men running at the top of the hill had me in disbelief.

It was an early morning as we headed out of Albany at 5:30am to get to Shelburne Falls by 7:30am for the race at 9am. It was a lot of normal pre race jitters that were going through my head. I made the comment several times that I thought I would be finishing in dead last place. Prior to getting our packets I was given the option to see the "hill". I am glad I said no, because if I saw it, I doubt my mind would have battled it and I would have given up too soon.

There is this thing that happens prior to races (of all distances) - hardcore runners do a little warm up run. I have never done a warm up run. Why? Because I am usually tired after .5 miles, so doing that before having to run 6.2 miles seemed counter intuitive. However, I was peer pressured into a little warm up run of the beginning of the race route, which has an incline. Hollie is not great at hills but I trucked along giving it a shot.

I'm on the right in the purple, camel back guy passed me later.

The race started and as usual the distance between the pack and myself lengthens very quickly. We ran up the incline and it "looped" around a neighborhood in town. It was at this point that camelback guy passed me and I could hear the faithful sounds of the diesel ambulance truck. I went up around the corner and the ambulance went straight. When I approached them on the loop, I waved and shouted "come on boys!"

The race volunteers were really great and very supportive. As we ran back through town to approach the hill, my name was shouted out from the announcer. I was last place and my name was still shouted out (it's the little things I love) The day was hot and very humid. My asthma was sure to flare up at some point, so my inhaler was in my little silver pouch.

I made it to the beginning of the Crittenden Hill. I haven't been able to effectively describe this to anyone. Even the video I took does not describe it. The amount of curse words that come out of my mouth when talking about the hill give you the gist. There were several points in the hill that I just kept pumping my arms with the notion that my feet would indeed follow. I used my inhaler several times. I doubted myself, several times. My calves were burning. Each level of the hill was followed by an even more abusive section. For fit and fast runners, it seems like I'm making up how hard this hill was. However, I challenge any fast runner to strap on the amount of weight needed to make them the same weight as me and try to run up that damn hill.

When I got to the top of the hill I was relieved. Until, I realized how much strength it would take for me to run down the angle of the hill. It didn't feel as steep as the incline but it was much steeper than the Boilermaker hill. It was also dirt/trail terrain, something I'm not used to. The police car was right behind me the entire hill with his silent siren on.I was glad I couldn't hear him but still aware that there was someone driving less than 3mph to make sure I finished the race.

I had to use my quads more in the last 3 miles of the race. My calves were so tired and heavy. My intervals were all way off base. We had to run on grass for part of the race (i don't like running on grass). There was one point of the race where I got to see Kim running towards me. It was after the hill, so I'm sure she was relieved to see I had made it through that.

Kim, Jenika, & Me

I kept saying, it's only 3 miles, a total of 6.2 miles, you ran 7 last weekend, why is this so hard? At this point, cars were let back on the race route. Some were nice and honked and shouted support, others flew by me very close to the orange cones. Race volunteers were applauding me and shouting out things like "I'm so glad you are running this race!" or "I wouldn't have even made it up the hill, I'm proud of you!" I kept checking my watch to see how many miles I had left. Somewhere around the last .5 mile I just stopped doing my intervals and I ran slowly.

I was coming back into town and I could see the Iron Bridge I ran over earlier. People who had finished the  race a long time ago and their race supporters just stopped and started clapping for me. This cause a surge of clapping to start at the finish line. I rounded the corner and there was the orange and the green! Jenika and Kim met me on the bridge and started to run me in. Then somewhere I found enough energy to pick it up to the finish line. The announcer fully shouting my name the entire time. It was like I was the first place finisher!

I crossed the finish at 1:45:10 - For me, that was an awesome time. My regular 10K time is around 1:35:00 so that damn hill only added 10 minutes.

We took a little time after the race and walked over the actual Bridge of Flowers. It's an old railroad bridge that the town decided to plant trees and flowers on. While we walked on the bridge people congratulated me by name. Like a miniature celebrity, I said thank you and smiled at them. Not going to lie, it was a really cool thing.

Actual view from the Bridge of Flowers

After the race, both Kim and Jenika were dedicated to running The Bridge of Flowers again next year. I could not make the commitment out loud yet. However, I fear it will be similar to The Boilermaker. How I sign up for it again but have no idea why and I curse at myself halfway through the race.

It was the toughest race I've ever run. For me it was tougher than the Boilermaker. Still, I finished it. The trip was worth it in so many ways.

Theory into Practice

Through out all of my education I have been slapped in the face by Theory. Literary theory, film theory, student development theory, adult learning theory, distance education theory. I find a form of solace in it now. Citing Lacan and Derrida in conversations about independent films I've seen, or are on my list; speaking about the Chick-fil-a news by citing diversity training and then talking about Cass's theory of diverse sexuality or how adults need to build their education on their practical experience.

So I wondered if there was a theory of the stages of becoming a runner. I was pleasantly surprised when I came across The Five Stages of a Runner from Galloway’s Book on Running, ©2002 by Jeff Galloway. Shelter Publications, Inc., Bolinas, Calif. Distributed in bookstores by Publishers Group West

 This paragraph in the "beginner" section struck me hard:

"Your running may also be threatening to your less active friends. Eventually you — the beginner — and your non-running friends work it out. The transition period, however, can be unstable and uncomfortable for both. If you falter, the old world — comfortable in many ways — is waiting for you to slip back in. If you’re lucky enough to make new friends who share similar fitness goals, you’ll probably find refuge in the “fit” world while you gain your “running security.”

This is something I am struggling with more than any of the physical challenges of running. When I'm making plans with non running friends, I'm making statements of "Monday's I can hang out after my evening run", "Wednesday's are off the table because of speed work", "Friday's I have to be home early", and many weekends are filled with the words "I have a race that weekend". 

I know that there will be friends who will hear all of this and still work with me to schedule some shenanigans. The hard part is knowing I can't do everything that I want to. I need to do speed work tonight, I want to see my friends for karaoke. I have planned on going to karaoke late but I know in the back of my head it's all based on how I feel after speed work. It's hard for me to stay out late, because I know Thursday morning I am in the gym doing strength training.

In the second stage "the jogger" these items jumped out at me:

"At first you probably needed a group or at least another person for motivation and direction. As a jogger you are a bit more independent. You’ll prefer company to running alone, but you’ll pick and choose your group with care. Most beginners seek anonymity within a group while joggers often enjoy identification with a group."

"As a beginner you may have attended a few fun runs or an occasional race. Joggers, however, mark the local 10Ks on their calendars. These are motivational stepping stones to keep the daily runs on track. There will often be one major race in the jogger’s schedule, like the Bay to Breakers, Peachtree Road Race or the Corporate Challenge. Although you’re not running competitively or for time improvement, a sense of competition may begin to develop. By piecing together a growing series of successful and non-threatening running experiences, you begin the transition into a more fit lifestyle."

My running family is growing and supporting me in many ways. Seeing running friends come to my show, knowing that several of them will listen to my dating woes, well... I look forward to seeing them week in and week out. I know they'll comment on my Facebook run-keeper updates, I know if I need to find a partner in crime to run with, that there will be several options. I value their new friendships.

This entire experience is changing who I am. Well, not so much who I am but it's allowing me to be the person I want to be. I want to be healthier. For me that means not drinking that often, eating out less or just having small plates. It also means that I am working hard physically and mentally, so when I've got a free calendar date, I'm excited to pile on ice packs and watch a movie in my apartment.

Yet in my head, the old Girl Scout camp song is in a constant round. "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." I'm having trouble holding onto every thing that is important and special to me. It hurts and there is a lot of grief and loss involved. I know my fitness and health is worth it. I know I am worth it. I just don't know how to navigate this, so I turn to writing about it. Because maybe someone else has gone through this too.

Death would come off the line...

I am now deep within training. It's the point where it is tough, both physically and mentally. I said to Jenika the other morning that it's kind of crazy because before I used to prep for 10K distances. You know, make sure I was hydrated, that my legs were rested, that my nutrition was spot on. Now, every Saturday I'm running at least a 10K. Yes, I said at least. Most of the time it is more. This weekend it is 7 miles, which will take me about/almost 2 hours to complete. It is the point at which my legs deadened at the Boilermaker. It is the mileage that I need to have a game plan for.

I have reached a point where I have to get serious.

Now, most of my friends would say "Hollie, you are serious and have been serious." To that notion, I say thanks. But in reality I have not been serious because all of it has been manageable so far. Running the distances I need to run the rest of my training requires a lot of work and sacrifice. What do I mean by that?

The individuals in my training group know that Friday nights are a no go out night for most of us, or it's a need to be in bed by 10pm type of evening. However, most of my friends don't get it or don't understand. Statements like, "oh you can run later in the afternoon" or "you've been running enough" or "you're always running" haunt me and my connections with my friends.

I can't do all the things I used to do and expect performance. I have to eat cleaner and stay hydrated from now until October. That is a challenge. Today is even tough because I'm meeting a friend for happy hour. I want to be able to have two beers or two bourbons but I know that I can. I'm not saying I can't have them. It's just hard to think two bourbons is 200 empty calories or two Guinness's is 260 empty calories. I could have two skinless grilled chicken breasts, or a giant (16oz) mean green juice.

When I lived with my parents, we had a bargain. I'd live rent free if I would plan and cook the weeks meals. I spent some time looking at clean eating. There were a bunch of things I loved making. My parent's kitchen is huge and had enough room for me to do everything. My apartment is small, and I have little counter space. I know I need to do something soon. I need to have a lot of things prepped and ready.

Sunday, I got to go out and run with some friends. I needed to make up my 6 miles I missed with my group this week. I had to walk the last two miles because my knee was acting up. I'm pretty sure it's my IT band because my right hip is super tight and it's the outer side of my knee. I ended up looking at movies to watch on my Amazon Prime account and I saw I could rent Hood to Coast and then I saw Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I clicked on Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and sat down to watch it.

It is something that I can't explain when a doctor tells you that you are going to die if you don't change. The words Morbidly Obese. While I've been loosing weight, I'm still classified as Morbidly Obese. Morbid as in death. Watching the gentleman in the movie who is over 400lbs be told his BMI and classification was difficult. I remember being in the same place. I could do pills, shakes, supplements, surgery. I have read all the items about surgery and there was a time when I contemplated it. However, it is not an option for me. It is something I don't want.

In the movie they talk about juice fasts and while that is not something I want to do, I did like the fact that all your fruits and vegetables could be juiced and drank. That IS something I am interested in. In the movie you see the gentleman's progression over 10 months. It is a nice reminder of will power, dedication, and the decision to change. It makes me think about getting a juicer, again not for a fast but as an addition to my current plan. My lose it! app tells me with just caloric shift alone that by March 2013 I would get to my goal weight of around 180lbs. That would have me at just overweight. Death would come off the line and I would continue to work at it.

That IS what I want. So I've got to make peace with my decisions, my shifts and changes in my life, my friendships, my time because my life is worth it.

My running family

Purdue BGR takes on Ragnar

I have been lucky to be introduced to several amazing people and to have had many amazing students who inspired me. In 2009, some of my former students from when I worked at Purdue University tagged me in a photo at the Seattle Fish Market. They were running a Ragnar relay race. Their team was pirate themed and all the photos in the album on Facebook reminded me why I missed those guys. I looked into the Ragnar, to see what it was and day dreamed of having the ability to run a relay with them.

Mary Beth being all hardcore

I had been working out with a personal trainer and getting stronger and healthier. I had found the Warrior Dash at Windham because it was the closest thing to the Ragnar I could find locally and I was ready to sign up for it. Then,  I was side tracked when I broke my collar bone. I couldn't weight lift and I needed to do something, so I started walking. I watched my brother go run and complete the race that I so badly wanted to run. While talking to Mary Beth, another former student (this time from University of South Florida) she said to me, that if I could walk 3.2 miles in an hour, I could definitely run 3.2 miles. She convinced me to sign up for a race and let people know about it.

Rule#1 - Cardio

So, I signed up for the Troy Turkey Trot 5K and I told lots of people. It was during my training for this that I talked to Joel about running for the first time. I got some pointers & encouragement. He told me his brother Ed was running the race and eventually we had our own little team, based on my philosophy that my training was purely for the fact that if chased by zombies, I wanted a fighting chance. I had caught the racing bug after that and ran in several more races, including my first Boilermaker.

Kerry being all hardcore!

Ed convinced me to check out group running and to look at this group called BeRunning. I was skeptic of running in a group, because I'm hella slow. But I was teamed up with a mentor - Kerry, who still this day amazes me with the things she has planned. Seeing her sign up for next years IronMan Lake Placid is like the coolest thing ever and knowing she'll rock the NYC marathon is just as cool to me too!

Joel & Ed at the Boilermaker post party

I also met Jenika during my time with BeRunning and Jenika introduced me to USAFit and with both Ed & Jenkia assuring I could complete a half marathon, I jumped in. I thought it was crazy, and it is crazy but that's how I got into my first Boilermaker and this year, I completed my second Boilermaker. I desperately wanted to get a picture of all my running mentors together at the Boilermaker, because they were all there! But I did manage to get a photo with Joel & Ed at the end of the Boilermaker this year.

I love that orange hat & the lady underneath.

It's been a few weeks since the Boilermaker, I was side tracked with a sinus infection, very sore knees, and the opening of my summer production. I've taken some time away from running and noticed it was affecting my mood and I wanted to run but I knew that my body was saying rest. A few text messages checking in on me from Jenika, along with several really great new running friends from USAFit,  kept me positive and have meant the world. I asked for buddies this week to run with to make sure I got out for my miles, and had people immediately respond.

Jenika and I met up last night at SUNY Albany. Albany Running Exchange was on the track doing their speed work and she and I went out for a run. She asked how much I wanted to do and told me to set the pace. I said I wanted to at least get 40 minutes in and try for 3 miles. Not only was it good to go out and do something physically, it was really good talking with Jenika. See, the thing that they don't tell you when you start group running, is that the people you run with week in and week out become your confidants. When you are running (without headphones) you start to get to know those people, they understand when you have good or bad runs. They understand when life gets too rough and allow you space but will check in to get you back on track. They remind you that you can when everything else is telling you that you can't.

While we ran last night, Jenika told me about Trail Running Camp and how she got some coaching on running hills from some other seasoned runners. It's really neat to see your mentors talk about when they need advice or help on running, and how grateful they are when they get that feedback. It's funny because I am sure that my students from Purdue, Mary Beth, Joel, Ed, Kerry, and Jenika do not realize how much "this littler runner who could" looks up to them and takes to heart the advice & inspiration that they give me. 

So thanks guys. I've got big dreams and big shoes to fill.

There goes a fighter

I tracked my split times on my watch during the race. I wanted to see if it was possible for me to come in at 2:28 - like the pace calculator said I could. 

lap 1 - (taken at mile 2) = 29:03:00
Mile 3=46:01:00
Mile 4 =1:17:00
Mile 5=1.33:00
10K 6.2=1:36:56
Mile 7=1:51:21
Mile 8=2:07:50
Mile 9=2:24:50
15K 9.3=2:29:42

Boilermaker Race Elevation Chart

best pace 10.33, average 16.02

Elevation Stats
total decent 857ft, total ascent 838ft
max altitude 822ft, min altitude 447ft


The Boilermaker is an amazing race. It's terribly hard but amazing. We went up on Saturday to pick up bibs & goody bags. We stay in Ilion, NY at a very shady motel that regularly is $25 a night but during the Boilermaker weekend, it's $94 a night. Things I learned from last year was to bring flip flops. Things I will remember for next year are, sleeping bag, ear plugs, and pillow I don't mind throwing away. My "husband" snored a little, much quieter than my family, and so much quieter than others who say they don't snore.

We go to the same restaurant for dinner and try to find ways to entertain ourselves in the evening. Normally, we get pizza and wings but none of us really felt like that. All three of us were drained for various reasons. I was drained because I got up early, met my running group and walked two miles. By the time i got home from breakfast and showered, it was time to head down to Ed's. So no nap, car ride, heat, & hunger made me a hungry tired bear.

We tried searching for a karaoke bar, as Ed's heard my smack talk but never heard me really sing. Our search failed [however, he asked the McDonald's people in the morning and we found out at the bowling alley they do it - so next year we've got somewhere to go if we want]

Steve & I shared a room and we both went back to it after dinner, around 8:45pm. I read a few chapters in Catching Fire and he read about the race I think. By 10pm we both were ready to sleep, Ed stopped by - said that one part of our crew would be in at 10:30, the other part around midnight.

5:30am is the wake up time. This lets us leave by 6, drive to McDonalds, then drive to the finish to get the shuttles to the start. This is when we met "team hardcore" [Brian, Roshan and Rachel]. I'm partially joking. They were all super nice and very supportive. However, they all came out in their Team in Training jersey's with the football player lines under the eyes, and all the stuff to make a hotel room comfortable. a.k.a. they've done things like this before. "Team Hardcore" is lead by Joel and as always it is nice to see his smiling face and I love hearing his laugh when I tell good jokes at 6am.

Kate's parents were running the race for the first time, the nervous but excited energy was there in her dad. We parked the cars, Steve dropped a pin on his phone, and we headed to the shuttles. I hung out in the front of our group and talked to Rachel as the line moved quickly. I told them about the zebra ladies at mile 6, and the stilts guy at mile 7 that I always want to push over.  The buses come up quickly and you get on the ones they tell you. I started to get on the first bus, the same as "team hardcore", Ed and Kate were told to go to the next bus, but her parents saw me go on and said, "we're with that group" and got on the bus with us, while Ed, Kate and Steve got on the next bus.

Kate's mom introduced herself to me and apologized for splitting me and my husband up. I was quick to let her know Steve wasn't my husband [not that he wouldn't be a good one, just more shocked that someone thought I was straight] We got to the port-a-potty area and I snuck in line with Kerry as we gave Kerry, Nathan & Jeff their bibs. People freak out easily when they hear the gun for the wheelchair race go off, and from there they announced the race was to start but we all knew there would be a good 15 minute difference from the start to when we got there.

We start at the back of all the people in the race. It's chip timed so it just makes it easier. I spotted some USAFit marathoner's and got their attention and said hello. It was kind of neat to be in this group of 15 in the back that I knew all of them. We spotted Marey & Joe and they came over and started with us too.

The first mile of the Boilermaker sucks for me. It makes me think "why in the hell did i sign up for this" but I know mile two is my jam. It's shaded, the people are great. I told "team hardcore" about the popsicle's, how I know they are given out but by the time I get to the area, all i see are wrappers. I was running and spotted a lime green popsicle and I ran right to it. I got the last one. In my mind this meant I was much speedier than I imagined. [both Ed & Steve told me later that when they passed the popsicle's, Steve didn't take one and said "I'm leaving that one for Hollie"] 

The end of mile two into mile three just sucks. It's a gradual steady incline. It takes you to the monster mile long hill. When I passed the mile three marker the woman in front of me stopped to take a picture of the long trail of runners on the hill. I had forgotten other people were racing until she took that picture. This caused her to pause, which caused me to pass her! I was counting "kills" during the race, this was my second kill.

I will always walk the long hill in the golf course [until i'm a stronger runner]. I kept moving my little arms faster and knew that i'd make up some time on the downhill. I picked off and old man and the power walker who beat me last year. I kept doing my intervals nice and strong through 5.5 miles but by mile six the heat was finally beating down on me. My long sleeve white shirt helped so much, reflected sun and when it was wet it helped me cool down with the breeze. I hit the 10K mark and was just two minutes over my best 10K time. It is at that point where you just have to tell yourself it's one more 5K.

However, it's probably my least favorite part of the race. From mile six to seven there is no shade and a hill incline. I constantly swear "fucking utica college" while walking it, because it's the only frame of reference I have. Also, all the Uticans that say it's all downhill from here - I know you are lying. Mile seven also houses the man on stilts on the decline. Because I am in pain & struggling with deadened legs at this point, I always want to push over the guy on stilts. However, I always give him a high five and continue to run. This is where I picked up two more kills.

On this decline there are a lot of water sprayers. One's set up on the course and ones set up by Utican's with their hoses. I got sprayed down as many times as I could, without a care of my wet tshirt contest I had going on. [i was wearing an orange sports bra, so i didn't care] I got to mile eight. This is where last year Joel found me and got me a sno-cone. This year, there were no sno-cones and no Joel. It was better that way. I had to do it myself. I had to make it to the finish myself.

Joel's words of pump your arms poured into my head and I did. I tried to get back into my intervals but they mostly came when I found people I wanted to try and pass. I was inching closer and closer to the beef team woman and three of her pink shirt friends. They were walking/running for fun at this point. I stated to myself - a kill is a kill. At mile nine I was right behind them. I walked as fast as I could, knowing I could pull it out in the last .3 of the race. That last .3 is downhill. I ran the first .15 to get past the women. That made 10 kills! I walked the next .10 so I had enough to run the last .5

I finished it. Created a new personal record. No one was at the finish line for me. That was sad and hard for like 30 seconds. I caught my breath and knew I had to meet up with everyone at the post race party. I was excited to tell everyone how I did. I walked through the crowds, gave miniature dirty looks at people without race tags eating the oranges out for the racers [as there were people out there still] and turned on my cell reception to get a text from Joel having us all meet up. I drank my first beer. Ed found us and handed me a second beer & a yogurt. I ate an apple & grapes given to me by "team hardcore" and smiled a lot. Joel placed my finisher's medal around my neck and I went to grab two more beers. I had beaten my second race - to drink more than .5 of a beer at the end.

I tried my damnest to find the sno-cone area and to meet up with USAFit people but I couldn't find them and figured they had already hopped back on the bus to Albany. I was hoping to get a picture with all four of my running mentors [Ed, Joel, Kerry and Jenika] but that's like a big dream to wrangle in a crowd of 20,000 people. Jeff texted Ed saying Kerry finished the race and was in need of my inhaler, so we found them and hung out in the shade for a little while.

We rolled out, making a stop at the brewery to use our half off with race bib discount making sure to keep our eye on Steve as last year we lost him. Last year it was hell for me going to the brewery because I was so sore. I just sat there. This year, a case of Utica Club was purchased and carried back to the car.

I changed into my I RUN UTICA shirt and wore my medal with pride. I asked if we could stop at the first rest stop so I could get milkshakes for everyone. Ed obliged and once again, it was the greatest tasting thing in the world.

Upon my arrival home, I showered and changed and waited for my friend John to come over. It was a night of wine, great food, Game of Thrones, and ice packs. I fell asleep around 9:30. I am off from work today and have a very nice day planed. Oil change, pedicure & manicure, massage, dinner, and a movie. I earned it. I am proud of myself for so many reasons.

I know I have literal & figurative miles to go in my half marathon training. I know that it's OK to not have anyone at the finish line, because there are so many waiting other places to hear the results. I know that I can push myself. I know that comfort is a dirty drug. I know it's OK to remember but so much better to push forward. I know that when I set goals, I work hard to achieve them. I know that I am "selfish" and that I want this, this ability to take the time to prove something to myself. That I can be the version of the person I see on the inside and that pictures do not reflect who I am.

For no one else

This morning I met the usual group of Saturday morning runners at the Crossings. A large amount of full marathoner's are running the Boilermaker. I am able to jump into the conversation because I survived the race once and I fully intend to mentally race it this year.

The anticipation is the worst. You plan for the race, you don't plan for anything else. So when you start thinking about not finishing, what time you have to get up, what you'll wear, what you'll eat....well it tends to become overwhelming.

After getting home and taking a shower, the question crept in. What will others think, if I fail? Secondly, what will I think if I fail? I posted an entire post about it last year and while I type, it is on my mind now.

There have been people I've wanted to talk to this week (while I was avoiding the world and focused on this weekend) However, I don't know what to say. I just wanted to scare away that feeling of being alone. I haven't had any of those conversations and I still struggle with the idea of making some phone calls this afternoon. I am just going to give in to the experience. This weekend is one for stories to be made.

I am running this race for no one else. I will finish this race for no one else. I will accept the joy & congratulation when I finish, no one else can take that away.

stage fright

The last time I posted was back in May. I've been running regularly for about 3 months now. I've got a training schedule for my half marathon in October that I've been following. I run 3 times a week and now I throw in strength training 2-3 times a week as well. Technically, I know I can complete 6 miles. In truth, I know I can finish 9.3 miles. I finished The Boilermaker last year, so why am I so terrified of it this year?

This year I'm better conditioned. At last nights speed work I actually ran an entire mile around a track without run/walking and I felt like I could keep going. I used to run all the time instead of run/walk, so I hadn't been used to how long I could run without stopping. I know the Boilermaker race route, I know that at mile four and seven I will be exhausted. I know that is when I should take in either a gel or a little clif bar. I know that I'll use Nuun in my water bottle and that i'll take the time to refill the bottle during the race. I know I am walking up the golf course hill. I know I can take on the "rolling, little hills" in the first mile. I know these things. Well, at least right now I do.

The mental aspect of running, that has been my challenge. In my head while out on distance runs I have used the word "can't, give up, stop". I battle it with, "can, do this, and you have to get back to the car anyway". I have always had a visual focus point when I dig down deep. Any girl who played volleyball with me in high school can attest to the stare I would give just prior to my serve.

If there is a person in front of me in the race then often I try to attach on to them. Other runners call this becoming a magnet and that the other runner will pull them forward, decreasing the space between you two. In every big race I have ever ran, I have had a visual focus point. I have placed someone at the finish that I hoped would be so proud of me. Truthfully, I have placed someone at the finish that I hoped would love me.

Last year's Boilermaker was a huge emotional journey. I ran to the finish, and there at the finish line was the woman I loved. We drove home together. Then we said our goodbye's and she moved across the country. She was my race support. Currently I'm plagued with the idea of race support, of having to drive myself home after the Boilermaker, which is OK. I know I am running this race (well, any race really) for myself. Still, it is so nice to have someone there so see your success and be so proud of you. 

My therapist has challenged me to run toward a pool of light, a source of energy. Em tells me to run to myself. I tell running friends that I'm running towards my celebrity crush. (Hannah Hart of My Drunk Kitchen) But my mental energy goes everywhere during a long race. I might have music, I might not. That is something I am still trying to figure out. I think of a few people while I run, but it's fleeting, because it needs to be.

I am going to try and just focus on a nice mantra that goes with the rhythm of my foot falls and the sound of my breath pattern. Try to focus on some warm light (come into the light Carolann) It all sounds silly but I have had little moments where I feel defeated lately and they are creeping in like stage fright. I hope like stage fright that it goes away once places are called.