32 Discordant Metronomes

Science fact; If you put metronomes together on a moveable surface, they will eventually sync up and all be at the same tempo.

When I first started to run without music, I hated it. I disliked the silence that was always surrounding me while I ran. I could hear everything. Sometimes I still run with ear buds in my ear playing a good selection of music. Sometimes I make playlists for races to keep me in the right beats/steps per minute.

As I've continued to run this season, I've gone without music more often. Mostly as a way to recognize my pace without the use of a GPS watch. I started to notice how my breathing matched my footfalls and where my arm swing landed when taking a breath. I could hear my feet slap heavily when my body would reach the point of exhaustion.

I make a slight noise when I am running at a quicker pace, or if I'm focusing on my running. I vocally push forward my exhale. My exhale and footfalls create a metronome like state. I can focus in and get completely lost but if I am running with other people or within a race, I hear their rhythm. It will throw off my pace slightly, same with if I'm friendly and say hello. It makes me nervous for the half. I don't want to spend all my gas at the beginning, matching everyone else's rhythm. It also makes me nervous for when the super fast and fast marathoner's will start to pass me. I don't want to speed up to their tempo because I am hearing it all around me. I needed something to focus me.

These past few runs I have gone back and "beat" things that were difficult to me when I started running. I "beat" the "hills" in Saratoga Springs State Park, that I often was intimidated by. Last year I made it up one little hill (because more seasoned runners would call these small hills, I call them big hills - but not BOF hills) That one hill has a short downhill and then another hill. When I ran it on Saturday I wasn't afraid of it, I was excited for the challenge and I left my intervals behind and used the time to run up the hills.

Last night I went back to the crossings. I knew I had a 30 minute easy run scheduled. I knew keeping my pace, I should be able to get two miles in. About two loops of the yellow trail. I knew I run a 15 minute mile. I wondered if I could run it, not walk/run but run the full 15 minutes. I know. I'm not supposed to do anything different, I'm not supposed to change anything. Still I have to do things to shut up my own doubts. So I ran the first loop, ran the whole thing. Then I walked the backside of the Ciccotti Center to catch my breath and continued to run.

Why was this important to me? Last year at this time of year, I couldn't run the entire yellow trail. I could only run/walk it. I would be happy when a walk interval came at the bottom of the "hills" on the yellow trail. On one of our timed 5K's with BeRunning, Mary was right at the top of those hills shouting encouraging words to me. Every time I run those little hills, I think of her right at the top. This time, I did it and was smiling the whole time, mentally high fiving Mary.

On the second time around, I was faced with faster people on the trail throwing me off, or the largest congregation of dogs with friendly owners saying hello. My brain started thinking I couldn't run the half. I knew I needed to get rid of that thought. I started in with my metronome adding the words "I.CAN.DO.THIS" I kept going. After saying it a few times, I realized how easy it would be to change can to can't during the race. So I changed it. I started chanting inside "I.WILL.DO.THIS." It started on the back part of the yellow trail, the part a little bit before the post, near the gazebo close to the bathrooms. I kept going until I finished.

It felt nice. Not to just believe I am in better shape than last year but to actually experience it. Others can say it, can tell me I am ready. I just needed Saturday's run and last night's run to prove it to myself. Thursday's run will be my last before the race, I just want that run to be pretty (if it's possible) and relaxing.

Race day will come and I will line up and I will do this.

Let Love Move You

I have been reading a lot of inspirational items lately and watching a lot of inspirational training videos. Today, there was one with 18 motivational tips - the last one was "Let Love Move You". It hit me hard and sparked me to write this post, which I will also send out as an email.

Last night with USAFit, we had a send off party, some of our team were heading off to their respective races, others are tapering. My Half Marathon is in 20 days. I have been training for 5 months. It is something that I am very proud of.

My tapering started this Saturday, running just 8 miles and following it up the next day with a 3.5 light run. This coming Saturday is Color Me Rad, which is a 5K and I am not supposed to run it full out - to avoid injury. I'll run 3-4 miles the next day to keep my conditioning. The week following that is only 5 miles. Then it's race day.

So while I am winding down, I do hope you might ramp it up. What do I mean by this? I can't tell you what spectator support does for a runner. I can liken it to theater, how when you see your friends in the first few rows and try not to break character. There is something about a friendly smile, a person with a cowbell, or crazy signs. It's just awesome.

For instance, I was totally jealous of and jealous that I wasn't there for the "Joel Patrol". My friend and via distance coach Joel ran his first IronMan. His team, friends, and family were out there supporting him. Rachel wrote a post about the IronMan and it shows pictures of the Joel Patrol and some great signage for cheering on runners.

What can you do to support me on race day? You can do a couple of things. The largest thing you could do is volunteer - it takes a lot of backstage players to put on a large race. Packet pick ups, aid stations, directing people where to park, etc. Please think about volunteering if you have the time.

Secondly, you can come out and see the race. It's Sunday October 7th, starting at 8:30am. I run approximately 15 minute miles. So that can help you gauge when you'd need to be at a spot. Example, you want to cheer me on at mile 5 at the Maplewood School (32 Cohoes road Watervliet) then you should get there by 9:30 and hang out until 10:30 to cheer me on. You want to see me just over the half-way point at mile 7, then get to the Price Chopper Plaza at 1804 Second Ave,Watervliet between 9:45-10:45.

Holding signs, curing my fever with a little more cowbell, having small 8-10oz bottles of gatorade fruit punch, high fives, and lots of shouting my name are all awesome things you can do.

Being at either of those viewing stations, gives you enough time to travel down to the finish line . Or if you want, just go right to the finish line at the River Front park at the Corning Preserve. Be there between 11-11:45am and you'll get to see me be the proudest emotional wreck you'll ever see. For a map of the race route check out the Hudson Mohawk race page or look at their spectators guide, just remember I'm running the HALF marathon, cause I'm only HALF crazy, the spectators guide gives you notes on the whole marathon & half route.

Why do I want you there? Because I love you and I want you to see me happy, proud and accomplish something that is personally challenging. I want you to know what I sacrificed our Friday nights together for. I want you to experience my joy when I finish. I want you there with a hug. I want your love to move me further and faster than I've ever raced before.

What's in my pantry?

This weekend I face ten miles again. Jenika was there the last time, asking me what's in my pantry in order to get my panic attack to slow down. But tomorrow I will have ten miles of asking myself what's in my pantry? My pantry.

Canned Goods
Pasta and Rice
Miscellaneous
Beans
Baking Needs
Spices & Seasonings
Paper & Plastic

My pantry has it's staples, it's non perishable items. Heart and courage, canned and ready for long term storage. Humor and common sense, stiff when stored but flexible under hot water. Love and joy, sometimes mushy when left to sit for a long time. Friends and team support, when I need a plan and help to rise. Affirmations, when I need to pepper my journey and a wall of race bibs to show me what I have done.

Joel told me before to "get the fuck over" the fact I ran ten miles. I'm still astonished by it. It's not a "how did I do that", or an "I can't believe I did that", anymore. It's a I ran ten fucking miles. 

My pantry holds everything I have been storing up since March. In 30 days, I will test how well I have prepared. I have ten miles this weekend, next weekend I will face twelve, then I will taper with eight, then five.

The twelve, is the last time I'll get to run with my group. I have Color Me Rad on the weekend of eight miles, and then I have a commitment the next weekend as well. When talking to Jenika I said it as "it's just five miles and I can take that on my own."

Joel told me there would be a day when that would happen.

I face my ten miles with my group but on my own. I get to prove to myself that this all isn't a dream.

The BoF

Over the weekend I did something that I had always wanted to do. I was asked if I wanted to go on a little running road trip with my running friends and tackle The Bridge of Flowers (BoF) 10K, in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts. Now, I know what you are thinking "Hollie, The Boilermaker is a running road trip." That it is, but the Boilermaker started out as a running trip with friends I had before I started running. When I joined BeRunning, I saw these groups of adults making friends and doing stuff outside of BeRunning. I was super jealous.

When I was asked if I wanted to go, I said yes instantly. I actually think I stopped listening to the rest of the race description. As the weeks crept up towards the race, I would ask how some of the hills we were running compared to the giant hill. The word "worse" kept being repeated. Still, I pressed on thinking, really how bad could it be?

This is the elevation

I looked at the course elevation profile. I don't know why it didn't register with me. Perhaps those little stick figure men running at the top of the hill had me in disbelief.

It was an early morning as we headed out of Albany at 5:30am to get to Shelburne Falls by 7:30am for the race at 9am. It was a lot of normal pre race jitters that were going through my head. I made the comment several times that I thought I would be finishing in dead last place. Prior to getting our packets I was given the option to see the "hill". I am glad I said no, because if I saw it, I doubt my mind would have battled it and I would have given up too soon.

There is this thing that happens prior to races (of all distances) - hardcore runners do a little warm up run. I have never done a warm up run. Why? Because I am usually tired after .5 miles, so doing that before having to run 6.2 miles seemed counter intuitive. However, I was peer pressured into a little warm up run of the beginning of the race route, which has an incline. Hollie is not great at hills but I trucked along giving it a shot.

I'm on the right in the purple, camel back guy passed me later.

The race started and as usual the distance between the pack and myself lengthens very quickly. We ran up the incline and it "looped" around a neighborhood in town. It was at this point that camelback guy passed me and I could hear the faithful sounds of the diesel ambulance truck. I went up around the corner and the ambulance went straight. When I approached them on the loop, I waved and shouted "come on boys!"

The race volunteers were really great and very supportive. As we ran back through town to approach the hill, my name was shouted out from the announcer. I was last place and my name was still shouted out (it's the little things I love) The day was hot and very humid. My asthma was sure to flare up at some point, so my inhaler was in my little silver pouch.

I made it to the beginning of the Crittenden Hill. I haven't been able to effectively describe this to anyone. Even the video I took does not describe it. The amount of curse words that come out of my mouth when talking about the hill give you the gist. There were several points in the hill that I just kept pumping my arms with the notion that my feet would indeed follow. I used my inhaler several times. I doubted myself, several times. My calves were burning. Each level of the hill was followed by an even more abusive section. For fit and fast runners, it seems like I'm making up how hard this hill was. However, I challenge any fast runner to strap on the amount of weight needed to make them the same weight as me and try to run up that damn hill.

When I got to the top of the hill I was relieved. Until, I realized how much strength it would take for me to run down the angle of the hill. It didn't feel as steep as the incline but it was much steeper than the Boilermaker hill. It was also dirt/trail terrain, something I'm not used to. The police car was right behind me the entire hill with his silent siren on.I was glad I couldn't hear him but still aware that there was someone driving less than 3mph to make sure I finished the race.

I had to use my quads more in the last 3 miles of the race. My calves were so tired and heavy. My intervals were all way off base. We had to run on grass for part of the race (i don't like running on grass). There was one point of the race where I got to see Kim running towards me. It was after the hill, so I'm sure she was relieved to see I had made it through that.

Kim, Jenika, & Me

I kept saying, it's only 3 miles, a total of 6.2 miles, you ran 7 last weekend, why is this so hard? At this point, cars were let back on the race route. Some were nice and honked and shouted support, others flew by me very close to the orange cones. Race volunteers were applauding me and shouting out things like "I'm so glad you are running this race!" or "I wouldn't have even made it up the hill, I'm proud of you!" I kept checking my watch to see how many miles I had left. Somewhere around the last .5 mile I just stopped doing my intervals and I ran slowly.

I was coming back into town and I could see the Iron Bridge I ran over earlier. People who had finished the  race a long time ago and their race supporters just stopped and started clapping for me. This cause a surge of clapping to start at the finish line. I rounded the corner and there was the orange and the green! Jenika and Kim met me on the bridge and started to run me in. Then somewhere I found enough energy to pick it up to the finish line. The announcer fully shouting my name the entire time. It was like I was the first place finisher!

I crossed the finish at 1:45:10 - For me, that was an awesome time. My regular 10K time is around 1:35:00 so that damn hill only added 10 minutes.

We took a little time after the race and walked over the actual Bridge of Flowers. It's an old railroad bridge that the town decided to plant trees and flowers on. While we walked on the bridge people congratulated me by name. Like a miniature celebrity, I said thank you and smiled at them. Not going to lie, it was a really cool thing.

Actual view from the Bridge of Flowers

After the race, both Kim and Jenika were dedicated to running The Bridge of Flowers again next year. I could not make the commitment out loud yet. However, I fear it will be similar to The Boilermaker. How I sign up for it again but have no idea why and I curse at myself halfway through the race.

It was the toughest race I've ever run. For me it was tougher than the Boilermaker. Still, I finished it. The trip was worth it in so many ways.

Death would come off the line...

I am now deep within training. It's the point where it is tough, both physically and mentally. I said to Jenika the other morning that it's kind of crazy because before I used to prep for 10K distances. You know, make sure I was hydrated, that my legs were rested, that my nutrition was spot on. Now, every Saturday I'm running at least a 10K. Yes, I said at least. Most of the time it is more. This weekend it is 7 miles, which will take me about/almost 2 hours to complete. It is the point at which my legs deadened at the Boilermaker. It is the mileage that I need to have a game plan for.

I have reached a point where I have to get serious.

Now, most of my friends would say "Hollie, you are serious and have been serious." To that notion, I say thanks. But in reality I have not been serious because all of it has been manageable so far. Running the distances I need to run the rest of my training requires a lot of work and sacrifice. What do I mean by that?

The individuals in my training group know that Friday nights are a no go out night for most of us, or it's a need to be in bed by 10pm type of evening. However, most of my friends don't get it or don't understand. Statements like, "oh you can run later in the afternoon" or "you've been running enough" or "you're always running" haunt me and my connections with my friends.

I can't do all the things I used to do and expect performance. I have to eat cleaner and stay hydrated from now until October. That is a challenge. Today is even tough because I'm meeting a friend for happy hour. I want to be able to have two beers or two bourbons but I know that I can. I'm not saying I can't have them. It's just hard to think two bourbons is 200 empty calories or two Guinness's is 260 empty calories. I could have two skinless grilled chicken breasts, or a giant (16oz) mean green juice.

When I lived with my parents, we had a bargain. I'd live rent free if I would plan and cook the weeks meals. I spent some time looking at clean eating. There were a bunch of things I loved making. My parent's kitchen is huge and had enough room for me to do everything. My apartment is small, and I have little counter space. I know I need to do something soon. I need to have a lot of things prepped and ready.

Sunday, I got to go out and run with some friends. I needed to make up my 6 miles I missed with my group this week. I had to walk the last two miles because my knee was acting up. I'm pretty sure it's my IT band because my right hip is super tight and it's the outer side of my knee. I ended up looking at movies to watch on my Amazon Prime account and I saw I could rent Hood to Coast and then I saw Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I clicked on Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and sat down to watch it.

It is something that I can't explain when a doctor tells you that you are going to die if you don't change. The words Morbidly Obese. While I've been loosing weight, I'm still classified as Morbidly Obese. Morbid as in death. Watching the gentleman in the movie who is over 400lbs be told his BMI and classification was difficult. I remember being in the same place. I could do pills, shakes, supplements, surgery. I have read all the items about surgery and there was a time when I contemplated it. However, it is not an option for me. It is something I don't want.

In the movie they talk about juice fasts and while that is not something I want to do, I did like the fact that all your fruits and vegetables could be juiced and drank. That IS something I am interested in. In the movie you see the gentleman's progression over 10 months. It is a nice reminder of will power, dedication, and the decision to change. It makes me think about getting a juicer, again not for a fast but as an addition to my current plan. My lose it! app tells me with just caloric shift alone that by March 2013 I would get to my goal weight of around 180lbs. That would have me at just overweight. Death would come off the line and I would continue to work at it.

That IS what I want. So I've got to make peace with my decisions, my shifts and changes in my life, my friendships, my time because my life is worth it.

There goes a fighter

I tracked my split times on my watch during the race. I wanted to see if it was possible for me to come in at 2:28 - like the pace calculator said I could. 

lap 1 - (taken at mile 2) = 29:03:00
Mile 3=46:01:00
Mile 4 =1:17:00
Mile 5=1.33:00
10K 6.2=1:36:56
Mile 7=1:51:21
Mile 8=2:07:50
Mile 9=2:24:50
15K 9.3=2:29:42

Boilermaker Race Elevation Chart

best pace 10.33, average 16.02

Elevation Stats
total decent 857ft, total ascent 838ft
max altitude 822ft, min altitude 447ft


The Boilermaker is an amazing race. It's terribly hard but amazing. We went up on Saturday to pick up bibs & goody bags. We stay in Ilion, NY at a very shady motel that regularly is $25 a night but during the Boilermaker weekend, it's $94 a night. Things I learned from last year was to bring flip flops. Things I will remember for next year are, sleeping bag, ear plugs, and pillow I don't mind throwing away. My "husband" snored a little, much quieter than my family, and so much quieter than others who say they don't snore.

We go to the same restaurant for dinner and try to find ways to entertain ourselves in the evening. Normally, we get pizza and wings but none of us really felt like that. All three of us were drained for various reasons. I was drained because I got up early, met my running group and walked two miles. By the time i got home from breakfast and showered, it was time to head down to Ed's. So no nap, car ride, heat, & hunger made me a hungry tired bear.

We tried searching for a karaoke bar, as Ed's heard my smack talk but never heard me really sing. Our search failed [however, he asked the McDonald's people in the morning and we found out at the bowling alley they do it - so next year we've got somewhere to go if we want]

Steve & I shared a room and we both went back to it after dinner, around 8:45pm. I read a few chapters in Catching Fire and he read about the race I think. By 10pm we both were ready to sleep, Ed stopped by - said that one part of our crew would be in at 10:30, the other part around midnight.

5:30am is the wake up time. This lets us leave by 6, drive to McDonalds, then drive to the finish to get the shuttles to the start. This is when we met "team hardcore" [Brian, Roshan and Rachel]. I'm partially joking. They were all super nice and very supportive. However, they all came out in their Team in Training jersey's with the football player lines under the eyes, and all the stuff to make a hotel room comfortable. a.k.a. they've done things like this before. "Team Hardcore" is lead by Joel and as always it is nice to see his smiling face and I love hearing his laugh when I tell good jokes at 6am.

Kate's parents were running the race for the first time, the nervous but excited energy was there in her dad. We parked the cars, Steve dropped a pin on his phone, and we headed to the shuttles. I hung out in the front of our group and talked to Rachel as the line moved quickly. I told them about the zebra ladies at mile 6, and the stilts guy at mile 7 that I always want to push over.  The buses come up quickly and you get on the ones they tell you. I started to get on the first bus, the same as "team hardcore", Ed and Kate were told to go to the next bus, but her parents saw me go on and said, "we're with that group" and got on the bus with us, while Ed, Kate and Steve got on the next bus.

Kate's mom introduced herself to me and apologized for splitting me and my husband up. I was quick to let her know Steve wasn't my husband [not that he wouldn't be a good one, just more shocked that someone thought I was straight] We got to the port-a-potty area and I snuck in line with Kerry as we gave Kerry, Nathan & Jeff their bibs. People freak out easily when they hear the gun for the wheelchair race go off, and from there they announced the race was to start but we all knew there would be a good 15 minute difference from the start to when we got there.

We start at the back of all the people in the race. It's chip timed so it just makes it easier. I spotted some USAFit marathoner's and got their attention and said hello. It was kind of neat to be in this group of 15 in the back that I knew all of them. We spotted Marey & Joe and they came over and started with us too.

The first mile of the Boilermaker sucks for me. It makes me think "why in the hell did i sign up for this" but I know mile two is my jam. It's shaded, the people are great. I told "team hardcore" about the popsicle's, how I know they are given out but by the time I get to the area, all i see are wrappers. I was running and spotted a lime green popsicle and I ran right to it. I got the last one. In my mind this meant I was much speedier than I imagined. [both Ed & Steve told me later that when they passed the popsicle's, Steve didn't take one and said "I'm leaving that one for Hollie"] 

The end of mile two into mile three just sucks. It's a gradual steady incline. It takes you to the monster mile long hill. When I passed the mile three marker the woman in front of me stopped to take a picture of the long trail of runners on the hill. I had forgotten other people were racing until she took that picture. This caused her to pause, which caused me to pass her! I was counting "kills" during the race, this was my second kill.

I will always walk the long hill in the golf course [until i'm a stronger runner]. I kept moving my little arms faster and knew that i'd make up some time on the downhill. I picked off and old man and the power walker who beat me last year. I kept doing my intervals nice and strong through 5.5 miles but by mile six the heat was finally beating down on me. My long sleeve white shirt helped so much, reflected sun and when it was wet it helped me cool down with the breeze. I hit the 10K mark and was just two minutes over my best 10K time. It is at that point where you just have to tell yourself it's one more 5K.

However, it's probably my least favorite part of the race. From mile six to seven there is no shade and a hill incline. I constantly swear "fucking utica college" while walking it, because it's the only frame of reference I have. Also, all the Uticans that say it's all downhill from here - I know you are lying. Mile seven also houses the man on stilts on the decline. Because I am in pain & struggling with deadened legs at this point, I always want to push over the guy on stilts. However, I always give him a high five and continue to run. This is where I picked up two more kills.

On this decline there are a lot of water sprayers. One's set up on the course and ones set up by Utican's with their hoses. I got sprayed down as many times as I could, without a care of my wet tshirt contest I had going on. [i was wearing an orange sports bra, so i didn't care] I got to mile eight. This is where last year Joel found me and got me a sno-cone. This year, there were no sno-cones and no Joel. It was better that way. I had to do it myself. I had to make it to the finish myself.

Joel's words of pump your arms poured into my head and I did. I tried to get back into my intervals but they mostly came when I found people I wanted to try and pass. I was inching closer and closer to the beef team woman and three of her pink shirt friends. They were walking/running for fun at this point. I stated to myself - a kill is a kill. At mile nine I was right behind them. I walked as fast as I could, knowing I could pull it out in the last .3 of the race. That last .3 is downhill. I ran the first .15 to get past the women. That made 10 kills! I walked the next .10 so I had enough to run the last .5

I finished it. Created a new personal record. No one was at the finish line for me. That was sad and hard for like 30 seconds. I caught my breath and knew I had to meet up with everyone at the post race party. I was excited to tell everyone how I did. I walked through the crowds, gave miniature dirty looks at people without race tags eating the oranges out for the racers [as there were people out there still] and turned on my cell reception to get a text from Joel having us all meet up. I drank my first beer. Ed found us and handed me a second beer & a yogurt. I ate an apple & grapes given to me by "team hardcore" and smiled a lot. Joel placed my finisher's medal around my neck and I went to grab two more beers. I had beaten my second race - to drink more than .5 of a beer at the end.

I tried my damnest to find the sno-cone area and to meet up with USAFit people but I couldn't find them and figured they had already hopped back on the bus to Albany. I was hoping to get a picture with all four of my running mentors [Ed, Joel, Kerry and Jenika] but that's like a big dream to wrangle in a crowd of 20,000 people. Jeff texted Ed saying Kerry finished the race and was in need of my inhaler, so we found them and hung out in the shade for a little while.

We rolled out, making a stop at the brewery to use our half off with race bib discount making sure to keep our eye on Steve as last year we lost him. Last year it was hell for me going to the brewery because I was so sore. I just sat there. This year, a case of Utica Club was purchased and carried back to the car.

I changed into my I RUN UTICA shirt and wore my medal with pride. I asked if we could stop at the first rest stop so I could get milkshakes for everyone. Ed obliged and once again, it was the greatest tasting thing in the world.

Upon my arrival home, I showered and changed and waited for my friend John to come over. It was a night of wine, great food, Game of Thrones, and ice packs. I fell asleep around 9:30. I am off from work today and have a very nice day planed. Oil change, pedicure & manicure, massage, dinner, and a movie. I earned it. I am proud of myself for so many reasons.

I know I have literal & figurative miles to go in my half marathon training. I know that it's OK to not have anyone at the finish line, because there are so many waiting other places to hear the results. I know that I can push myself. I know that comfort is a dirty drug. I know it's OK to remember but so much better to push forward. I know that when I set goals, I work hard to achieve them. I know that I am "selfish" and that I want this, this ability to take the time to prove something to myself. That I can be the version of the person I see on the inside and that pictures do not reflect who I am.

Calculation

There are still days when I lace up my shoes and think that I am absolutely crazy. That I'm running a 15K (9.3miles) in maybe a month or so. That I'm running a half marathon (13.1 miles) in about 5 months. When I get up early in the morning on Saturday's, I think - what in the hell is wrong with you Hollie.

I signed up for a second running group as I wasn't getting my Saturday long runs in. So this way I am accountable and I get to make more running friends. Because let's face it, only other runners will look at you with mild crazy eye when you suggest that you "hang out" by going for a run and then maybe a beer or breakfast afterwards.

The past two Saturday's I've gotten my mileage in, which is great. I've also had good conversation, which makes the early hours also worth it. So I know it's important to get my weekday runs in, so that Saturday run doesn't feel like it's hell. Now that I have a summer show and more evening events are piling up, I might have to switch to running in the mornings.

I ran this morning and found myself running so slow. I felt bad during my run about it but I know that it's ok. it's part of the training. When I looked at one of the tools that was in my new group's blog I figured I'd try it out.

Looking at this calculator, I've been running a bit faster than I should be running during all of my runs. So I'm ok with the 16 minute pace (while running not walking) I had today, compared to the 13:30min pace I've been working at.

This tells me I can complete the boilermaker in 2:26:28. Last year I did it in 2:34:46 - that's shaving 8 minutes off. That seems like a lot but I'm going to make it my goal time, with the ultimate goal being just finishing. This also tells me I can finish a half marathon in 3:30. Running for over three hours seems insane, still last year i thought running over two hours was insane.

So I'm trusting in the schedule. I'm trusting in my body breaking down and rebuilding.I'm trusting that I can be a bit slower if I need to be on my recovery runs.

the one gallon challenge

One Full Gallon

The other week I ran outside when it was technically advised by the red cross for individuals to not do any strenuous activities. It was hot. I kept thinking about how at last years Boilermaker they kept calling it the brrr-limaker because it was the coldest start they've every had. I was putting ice in my hat & sports bra during that race. So I knew that I would have to tackle the monster that is running in the heat. That heat, much like rain or cold in the fall runs couldn't be an excuse for me.

I set out for my 5K loop in the Saratoga State Park. I felt good but knew I was slow. This is common, for you to run at least a minute slower of a pace when it is hot out. But towards the end, even the 17 minute pace seemed impossible. So I walked the last .25

About half way through the run I started thinking about water. About how I should have drank more within the day. About where I was going to get some after running. I remembered my empire state bottle in the trunk! So I drove over to the spring fountain in the park and then while searching through my bag I also found a Gatorade packet.

Usually, I just drink water after a run. However this day, my fingers were once again swollen like sausages. So I felt like watered down Gatorade couldn't hurt. It was then that I realized my sometimes fully consumed half gallon of water was not enough. In comes the one gallon challenge. I need to drink a full gallon of water a day, especially on days that I plan on running (Monday, Thursday, and Saturday's)

It might not sound like a lot to some, to others it sounds crazy. It's 8 pint glasses worth of water. There's that old adage. I needed to break it down into AM and PM. If I have it on my desk then I know I have to drink it. So I've got the AM & PM half gallons. It's 11am and I'm down 3 pints. The most frustrating part is having to get up and mosey past the same offices a billion times a day to go use the restroom.

So why do all of this crazy stuff? I want to do this. I want to get a better time at the Boilermaker. I want to finish the Hudson Half Marathon. I want to know that a fat kid (be it inner or outer) can run a marathon. I woke up from a dream the other morning. One where I was laying down in all my race gear for a nap next to a woman I adore after just finishing a marathon. I dreamt that I ran a marathon. That I finished a marathon.

It's always been a dream that I could run a marathon by the time I'm 35 (I'm 33 now) but before when I said it, it didn't seem real or possible. It was something I thought i would just end up giving up on because it was too hard. Now, it seems kind of reasonable. Scary as all hell but reasonable.

But I know I have to change how I do things. I have to be more committed. I have to pay attention to hydration, nutrition, and strength training. Not hard core but more committed.

Well the 4th pint of AM has been poured and I've got 45 minutes before PM starts. Sometimes I just shake my head and think "Hollie, you are crazy" but then it makes me smile. So I know I am doing something right.

Taking the next step

Those who know me in real life, know that i've been working on my fitness since September 2009. I trained with personal trainers, lost about 50 pounds and felt strong. I was sidetracked by personal injury and found my way to wanting to run by seeing my former students run in costumes during a Ragnar race. I found the Warrior Dash and showed it to my brother but I couldn't do it last year because of my shoulder. It was after seeing him run that race with an all uphill first mile, that I knew if I wanted to do it the next year i'd have to run a 5K. My friend Mary Beth heard how I was walking and that I did a 5K distance in about an hour. So she encouraged me to sign up for a race and to use the couch to 5K program. I trained on my own three days a week.

After running my initial 5K, I knew I wanted to keep going and run more 5K's the next season. I also had a great friend convince me to run a 15K. Yep, I'm a crazy bastard who went from 6 5K's to running a 15K, and not just any 15K but The Boilermaker.

Again, I trained on my own three days a week.

But now, I'm taking a big step. I joined a 10K training group. The distance is not an intimidating factor for me. I mean, I ran a 15K. During that race at the 10K marker I said "it's just one more 5K". The intimidating factor is....being social while I run. Being social, not listening to music, and facing my own innate need to compete when there is no competition. It's also being social with new people but Kathleen told me I can no longer use that as a crutch because I do musical theater and I know how to make friends.

So I did it. I took the plunge. I signed up for Be Running 10K program  It's a ten week program where we'll meet once a week on Wednesday nights in Colonie and I'll be assigned a mentor to walk me through all the training. The same group ran a C25K program for Fleet Feet, so they're good with the run/walk programs. I'll still have time to run on my own for long runs. It's just a little crazy to me. I started running last year around this time. I now have 5 5K's under my belt and one 15K.

Now, I'm taking a big girl step. I won't be alone. Which is freaky.

Singing & dancing replaced running & resting

So I haven’t’ written in a while. There is reason for this. Mostly it is because of my schedule with the show I am in. I’m in The WeddingSinger the musical – performing at Russell Sage College’s The Schacht Fine Arts Center in Troy, NY August5-7 and 11-14, 2011 Thurs-Sat. 8pm, Sun. 2pm

I’ve joked around with a fellow office runner that dancing in the show is my cross training. While I joke, it actually feels like it is. The past few weeks have been dance rehearsals for three hours a night in crazy humid situations. Yesterday was our first technical rehearsal, full wigs & costumes. It was a ten hour day. So I’m a little beat up today.

In actual running news, I’m checking out a 10K runners group. Ed, who has been at my two prideful running moments, sent me an email about Be Running.  Wednesday, August 3 · 7:00pm - 8:30pm at the Ciccotti Center - Colonie NY

I’m going to go check it out because really, I think I’m at the point of if I want to get better at running that I need some coaching and I need to learn how to run with a group. I’ve got a few 5K’s lined up for the rest of the summer and into September & October. So training for a 10K until October will be great, then I’ll feel a little better about training from October – January for a half marathon. 

I want to be back into running mode. I do. Still, I know I have to start from the beginning again because I now have the inserts. I know I also have to get back into good nutrition mode. That will come from not being busy every night of the week. I know that the summer has been hard for me to run in. That I prefer fall weather, which means running a month or so in the summer with my training going through August-December for a running season with major goal races. Then I can do a few fun runs during the summer and even think about taking on The Boilermaker again. 

Body image has also been what is killing me right now. Being sucked into spanks like materials under my costumes, while helpful, makes me feel unattractive when I am doing my costume changes. Seeing pictures of me where I am happy and jovial but am just not wearing the most flattering thing just makes me feel different. I know we all have different body image issues. I know I am not alone. I know women who I think are sexy and a healthy body size have their own thoughts and struggles too. It’s just that once upon a time I made a commitment to attack that and though I lost 50lbs, I’m at a plateau. So I have to fight harder to get through that plateau. I really want to go back to Fitness Together. I love the guys there; I love the work out set up. I just can’t afford it right now. My goal though with the 10K training group, is that I can afford once a week at FT and they would be my cross training.  They always helped me through my anger too, pushing me really hard and getting me to lift more than I thought I could. I want to get back to my 50 non-modified pushups in a minute too. That’s where I was before my accident and that’s where I want to get back to. 

So I’m tired. There is no way around that. I will be tired until August 15^th when the show is completely over. I’m thinking of trying a 5K on August 20^th, but I would have to leave right after to go down to the city for a wedding. I’m still debating the logistics.

When it rains it pours

Sometimes I do not get my life. It's odd. I do get and understand that when you are happy, confident, and loving to yourself, well people notice.

It's nice to be noticed. it's still weird though too.
____

The other day in my email the notice came that the official Boilermaker photos were in. I never order official race photos. Yet, this time I did. There was a good photo where I didn't look gross but I looked like a runner. A photo where I was running while laughing & smiling. Then there were photos from the finish hill where Joel ran with me. I got a collage of four photos.

I was proud (and still am) of what I accomplished that day. Hell, that entire week, weekend, and following week. I know I am a fighter and I know how to push my limits and survive them.

When I got into Oswego for the wedding, I also got my phone conversation with Champ. It is easier knowing she is still reachable. Time differences are still something to get used to. It will also take some getting used to being a constant part of someone's life from a distance. I am excited for her; seeing someone you care about right on the verge of a great adventure... It's where my developmental theory loving student affairs self just smiles and knows when people have to go through their journey's  and challenges to get to "the other inside" of themselves.

I stated on my facebook,

"Spent the last 48 hours being reminded of love & friendships. It was an excellent reminder. In fact, it was just what I needed."

 I know who I am. I know who I love. I don't know what will come of any of it but I know I am not afraid of this. I know I am lucky. I know those who receive my love are lucky.

My life is odd and when it rains, it pours.

Boiler Up!

15K race recap

We left for Utica on Saturday afternoon. Prior to our departure I was a huge bitch to everyone in my path. My family knows when I am stressed out to just stay out of my way. Well, everyone but my father knows this. He just decides to ask questions I’ve already given answers to right when I am desperately searching for something I need to pack.

We got en route and drove right to the packet pick up at the race expo. Our clan we were staying with at the hotel was running late so a plan of photo id pictures sent via text message to us allowed us to pick up everyone elses bib’s & goodie bags.

D. had called when we were there and while we were picking up other bibs she managed to find me. We figured out the actual math and it was 3 years since we had seen each other. While picking up bib’s Paul asked if there was any spots that opened up so he could run the race. While he went off to do that D, her dad, & I went through the goodie bag line. I was picking up goodie bags for five people, when I hear “Ms. Miller!” Pam from Oswego jumped out and gave me a huge hug. She and I haven’t seen each other in 10 years. We talked quickly and then I exited the line and asked D. if she saw what just happened. I told her it was Pam. She said, “Pam from Oswego?” and I said “yep, I think I'm a little more nauseous now, then being worried about the race.” Pam was my first girlfriend and truly I haven’t seen her in over 10 years. She looked exactly the same, she looked good, and the hug was solid & true - reflecting on it now, I’m glad I ran into her.

D. & her dad left and I caught up with my brother. We made our way to the hotel and passed out everyone’s bibs & stuff. Then we headed to Lombardo’s and the pre race feast began. I got to eat everything that I had avoided for the week. Pizza, french fries, some antipasti and a huge Arnold Palmer.

Dinner was spent asking questions like what if I have to go to the bathroom while running? How do I take the water cups & drinks and run (pinch the cup) and pointers like take the ice and stick it down your bra.

After dinner we all just relaxed. The other gang played some frisbee outside. I got to have a nice conversation with Champ. Then we went to bed.

I had paul set his alarm in case mine didn’t work. Good thing too, because mine didn’t work. We woke up at 5:40 got dressed and were out of the hotel by 6am to drop off Steve at the 5K start line. Then we went and parked at the finish line and took the shuttles to the start. This was the first race where I had to do that. It was just pure insanity. Highly organized but still pure insanity. I was intimidated by runners who were more fit than I was. One kid was running it barefoot. I saw D. in the start corral, we hugged, I told her I loved her and hoped to see her at the end. We got to the start line corral and Ed suggested we just wait. It was good too because from the race start gun to when I crossed the start line was a good ten minutes. During this time my Champ texted and said she was at the start. It filled me with so much love to see her there.

I started the race at the back of the pack. Ed, Paul & Kate all are faster runners than I am, so they put some distance between us in the first mile. I’m not going to lie. The first mile was the hardest. I saw the pack her further away from me, I felt i was running too fast, my side was cramping. I felt lame for having to walk within the first mile. A race official saw me and told me to drink a lot of water, smile and just have fun.

The one thing I must say is the city of Utica fucking rocks. All along the race route the people were so great. So many smiles, high fives, Popsicle stops, ice stations all that were just spectator provided. The race was so well organized and there was music and entertainment the entire route.

My nike+ app was going and I had it give me time updates instead of mileage updates so I never knew where I was in mileage until I saw race signs and clocks. After I past the 5K distance I knew the mile 4 hill was coming up. I walked that bitch. I was perfectly fine with walking it. It was also at that time that we heard the winner ran the race in 43 minutes. I was just on mile 4 at that time. Downhill, I ran the whole way. I turned the corner and then was onto mile 5.  I’ve never run past 4.5 miles in all of my training. I just ran 5 miles. I was half way through with the race.

I approached the 6th mile & 10K distance at a rate that I never imagined. 1 hour 38 minutes. When I passed the 10K marker I thought OK Hollie, this is where you said you’d at least be happy with yourself but seriously it’s just one more 5K. Mile 7 is another incline I needed to walk it. I was still walk/running but I needed to walk the hill. All along the route little kids were clamoring to hand me my waters, EMS were checking in with me to see if I was doing OK. I was in a race with two men in their 70’s and one power walker in her early 40’s.

Mile 8 I rounded the corner to the factory and was like WHAT THE FUCK, there’s no shade like you said there would be son. My battery on my phone crapped out and I had to run the rest of the race with no music. No music, dead legs, and swelling hands were all piling up on me. Then like a vision from and oasis there was Joel coming towards me. He handed me his water bottle and showed me how to power walk to make my arms pull me forward and do the work for me. I kept walking and he jumped out and got me a cherry snow cone from the people on the side of the race. It felt good & cold and I was so hot that it was awesome. The whole way getting to mile 9 people kept saying it’s all downhill, or it’s almost finished. We got past mile 9 and Joel said OK, it’s .3 of a mile, that’s like 6 city blocks. I picked up my feet and trotted down the hill. Joel left me and told me it was all me across the finish line. As I approached there was Champ on the right cheering out my name.

I crossed the finish line and Ed congratulated me on finishing my first Boilermaker. A race official came up to me and said this was your first time? I replied yes. She said thank you for running and congratulations and I’d like to shake your hand. So she did.

I finished the race with a net time of 2:34:46

From there was was getting to the post race party. I needed salt very badly. I had stopped at all 20 water stations, so I was hydrated but I lost so much salt through my sweat that my fingers were swollen and I couldn’t make fists without my hands shaking. We found Paul, I drank a beer, and then we ate our lunches in the sun. Champ suggested I get a massage before we left and she went and signed me up for one. It was one of the greatest things. While walking back to the cars we stopped in the Saranac gift shop for some discounted brews but we lost Steve in the crowd.

My legs were OK but my feet had blisters so it was hard to walk. We got back to the truck and I got my bag and Paul drove Champ & I to her car. We stopped at the first rest area and ran into my brother there. I got the best chocolate milkshake and pretzels i’ve ever eaten. Champ had to run back in after and she ran into Joel.

The car ride home with her was so nice. We knew it would be the last moments we’d have together before she left. Our goodbye at my house was hard. I honestly miss her already. She kept smiling at me and told me how proud of me she was. I still love the fact she woke up ass early and drove an hour and a half and had her own crazy misadventures to see me in this race.

I got inside and my mom started to help me with my blisters. My left foot is OK but my right foot had a blister the side of a silver dollar. I took a three hour nap. Our parents went and got food for Paul & I and then my mom and I watched Life as We Know It. It was good and I didn’t have to think (like in all Katherine Heigl) movies. However, there was a scene where her character drives as fast as she can to the airport. That’s when I cried. There is a huge part of me that wants to do that tomorrow but I'm in training from 10am-2pm and her flight is at 3pm. So I’m just going to take tomorrow easy. I’m going to let myself feel everything that I feel tomorrow.

So what’s the next race? Silks & Satins 5K in Saratoga State Park in about two weeks. I have the rest of July before I make my decision but the next big race may be The Walt Disney World Half Marathon in January. I’d start training for it in August. I’m pretty settled on doing it but I just want to let myself come down from my runner’s high.

Two is less than three

Hydration Station

There has been a wave of panic that has washed over me and my friend D. as we found out that the original race allotment time of three hours is now only two hours.

I would have to run & keep my 13 minute mile pace through the entire race to make it even close to two hours. Did I mention it's supposed to be hot and humid Sunday?

I've been prepping all week for the race. I've stayed away from alcohol, have stuck to one caffeinated beverage a day, and have stayed mostly healthy with my food choices.I wanted to be very hydrated before the race. I know it will help. It will make stopping at all the water stations easier because I'll just be working on replacing what I'm loosing in the race.

Race Route

In looking at the route I know the tough part of the race is in the first four miles. Take a look at the difference in elevation for miles 2.5 through 4. It's going to be awesome right?

Right?

So yes, I'm scared shitless. Dragon told me even if I don't make the time that I can finish out the race on the sidewalk. My podiatrist begged me to not injure myself. I'm more concerned with heat stroke. I wish it was today's weather for the race because it would be perfect.

So one last thing. I am pretty sure you'll be able to track me while I'm running. 

http://www.leonetiming.com/Entries/Boilermaker/Boilermaker11.htm

Then if you go to sign up for live runner tracking. I'm U50517LAB but you can search for me by name too. It won't track me after 10:00 am but by 11am I should be posting my results from my timer on Facebook & twitter.

Can't is a dirty four lettered word

I want to say that I can't do it. That I can't take it. I want to say these things. It is taking all my energy to concentrate on my breathing so I don't have another panic attack. It is taking all my energy to not say "I can't".

What is causing such panic you may ask?
1. A 2nd round interview for an amazing opportunity.
2. The fact that every hour outside of work is scheduled for this week.
3. The emails from The Boilermaker people - all week long.
4. The fact that I'm taking on 9.3 miles without as much training as I wanted.
5. Trying to spend as much time with someone I love before she leaves.
6. That I am so confused about all the emotions that have been shaken up this last week.
7. That I haven't run on my inserts yet because the doctor won't clear me to run until the 7th.
8. The idea of failing during the race.
9. The worry of being alone, or more so lonely.
10. Getting this new job and leaving everything, start new, and try to succeed.

So what do I do?

My release of running is making me scared. I can't drink this week. I'll be dancing for 3 hours a night Tuesday - Thursday. I am tired of crying. I am nervous about admitting so many things and I don't want to do this alone. I need support - to help me survive.

I think about the interview and I know that I will be alright. That they will either like the answers I give or they won't. That my writing sample will be well written or it won't. I think about the last things I will say. They will be well received or they won't. I think about the race and know that it will be extremely tough and that I will finish or I won't. I think about moving forward with my life and if it's what I want. I have no control and that kills me. I can't focus. Things race too quickly in my head and heart and then I can't breathe. So much of what I've learned since 2004 and being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder has been how to accept not knowing. How to breathe and work through and create a plan.

Today my office mate helped me. He created my plan, the next 30 hours will be focused on dancing & my interview. After that I can pick the next thing to focus on. It however is damn hard. I am thankful for Lil Pup being in town Thursday. Thankful for Clarabell Casablanca just letting me cry on her couch and then realize that a beer needed to be put in my hand. Thankful for D. being just as freaked out by The Boilermaker as I am and knowing we'll both get through it.

I want to not say can't and it is so hard but this is who I am. I have survived so much. So much. So can't is a dirty four lettered word, and I my friends am a lady.

Earworm

Right now I’ve got “I believe I can fly” stuck in my head. My office mate has "The Charles in Charge" theme song in his head (mostly because I got it stuck in his head). Lately since I can’t really run, I’ve been dreaming about the Boilermaker. I like to think its fancy visualization techniques but really I’ve never seen one bit of the race course so I’m just imagining what the finish line will look like. 

That’s the coolest part for me though. That I’m visualizing crossing the finish line. It’s not pretty but it’s a finish. 

In my head while I'm dreaming I’m singing “if I can dream it, then I can do it. WOO!”

Its lame, I know this but it makes me smile.

So thanks R. Kelly.