Monday, April 11, 2011

Power songs & worst case scenarios

This weekend was minus running. I wanted to take it easy on my knee since Friday at work using the stairs the little that I had, seemed to aggravate it. Saturday I walked a little with two friends and their dogs around the park, probably two miles work of walking and I did ok.
I told a few of my friends. I’m in a rut for my motivation.
I know that it is probably due to the fact that I’ve been working on the treadmill for the past few weeks instead of running outside. However, I know it’s also because I have some doubts, some fears and because I also have those in my active life besides my running life….well I’m struggling with my doubts.
Can I really have everything that I want?  In my running, active, and work life.
That sounds very douchy, I know.  
In talking with a friend this past weekend I explained that I have a really good life. I have a job that pays me money & gives me health benefits (but is unfulfilling). I have activities in my non-work life that keep me busy.  I have friends who understand me and make me laugh.
I should be happy & content with all of that. Yet, I’m looking to grow – to push myself. Safe, content, stationary. Those are all the words that my anxiety disorder craves. That my disorder craves. Challenge, fight, glory. Those are the words that I crave.
So that goes into my running world. Talking to a friend who is an accomplished runner, she heard me talk about running, where I’m at. She listened to my worst case scenario plan for The Boilermaker, which is that if I can run/walk 4 miles in 52 minutes, then 9.6 miles in 3 hours feels possible. She said you don’t want to have to do that race in 3 hours; if I can't run it in 2 hours I shouldn't do it; it’s the heat that will kill you. That maybe I should look for a 10K and go for that and not take on The Boilermaker.  She is right about the heat, possibly even right about the race.
Could I just race a 10K and feel good about myself. Yes, I could. It’s a safe and achievable goal. The Boilermaker feels just like it’s on the edge of crazy. It’s a challenge, a fight, and when I finish it I will have personal glory. (I could die through the whole race – there are a million “what ifs” & I don’t imagine looking pretty at the end of the race)
My friend D who I am running the race with told me she drove the race course this weekend, that there is one intimidating hill (which there could be more hills, just ones less intimidating to D – so I have to confirm that with her).  It makes me nervous. I am scared of giving up, especially when I feel unmotivated.
So today I’m searching for anything to shake me up, get me in the right frame of mind. I heard U2’s Beautiful Day as I drove into work this morning. So, I’m placing it on the list of power songs. I know the strength is inside me to get through everything I am going through. I just can’t see an endpoint; and well, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I don’t need an end point. Maybe I just need to keep going.

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