Awkward shower

Today is Wednesday. Wednesday's are my group running days. It's the second week of group running and my schedule has already suggested a change. I was invited to a wine tasting a few weeks back, so I had already said yes. I knew that I couldn't use it as an excuse to not run, so I knew I would have to run before work or at my lunch break.

I planed it out as follows. Pack bag the evening prior. Lay out running clothes. Set alarm for 5:20am. Drive up to the park, stretch, and begin run by 6:30am. I meant to go for the full 3.2 miles but then i hit the wrong thing on my phone and it ended my run, so I just walked back to the car & stretched.

I enjoyed the morning because it was dark when I started out and with each morning running I passed we did the "motorcyclist wave" and said a small hello. I was running at a good pace, I could hear the tempo of my breathing, foot falls, music, and my arm motion all just working nicely together. While, I wanted to run further its probably better that I just stayed on the average of 2.4 miles for right now. Saturday I can push 3 miles and make 3 miles the norm.

I work in Saratoga, so running in the park is a great option. It's actually where I run Monday nights. I know the loops, know roughly the mileage. Know what part of the park I'm scared of (damn hills). So I knew that i could run relatively early in the park even if it was dark out. If I lived near work, or ran near where I lived I wouldn't have obsessively freaked out about how to get clean & pretty after an early run.

Work has a shower.
It's odd. 
An accessible shower on the first floor.

I've used it on a weekend once after running a race in Saratoga. However, I didn't have to think about people coming into work seeing me rock the brightest of athletic gear. This morning, was different. People were in the building and more would be arriving soon.

I made it to the office around 7:20am and took the awkward work shower. It's awkward for several reasons. The largest reason is there is a shower rod but no curtain.You have to check to make sure the two door locks are locked. Not many people use the shower option at work, normally it's the single stall bathroom that the first floor people use to get away from the group stall bathroom. So since there is no curtain, the water goes everywhere. One must place their bag of clothes far away from the actual shower so they don't get wet.

Since it is also an accessible shower you have to make the choice of bench down or bench up. Both have it's pros and cons.  I go for bench up (space), but it leaves me to some creative endeavors on how to place hair products and soap places. It's also a little awkward because it's not a normal evening after work for me. So trying to look nice on minimal product, appliances, and what wardrobe can fit in a bag is not a skill that I've mastered yet. I'm sure this will occur several more times over the season and eventually I will get a curtain for that damned rod. I packed up all my stuff, double checked that I didn't forget anything and did the quick walk out of the room.

The only odd glance was when walking back out to my car to place my towel and bag in the trunk. The look was "ummn why are you carrying a towel?" My nerdiest answer would be quipping back about the Hitchhikers Guide. In reality, I just shuffled out to the car, put everything in,  walked across the parking lot for my egg sandwich and then it was just another day at the office.

Power songs & worst case scenarios

This weekend was minus running. I wanted to take it easy on my knee since Friday at work using the stairs the little that I had, seemed to aggravate it. Saturday I walked a little with two friends and their dogs around the park, probably two miles work of walking and I did ok.

I told a few of my friends. I’m in a rut for my motivation.

I know that it is probably due to the fact that I’ve been working on the treadmill for the past few weeks instead of running outside. However, I know it’s also because I have some doubts, some fears and because I also have those in my active life besides my running life….well I’m struggling with my doubts.

Can I really have everything that I want?  In my running, active, and work life.

That sounds very douchy, I know.  

In talking with a friend this past weekend I explained that I have a really good life. I have a job that pays me money & gives me health benefits (but is unfulfilling). I have activities in my non-work life that keep me busy.  I have friends who understand me and make me laugh.

I should be happy & content with all of that. Yet, I’m looking to grow – to push myself. Safe, content, stationary. Those are all the words that my anxiety disorder craves. That my disorder craves. Challenge, fight, glory. Those are the words that I crave.

So that goes into my running world. Talking to a friend who is an accomplished runner, she heard me talk about running, where I’m at. She listened to my worst case scenario plan for The Boilermaker, which is that if I can run/walk 4 miles in 52 minutes, then 9.6 miles in 3 hours feels possible. She said you don’t want to have to do that race in 3 hours; if I can't run it in 2 hours I shouldn't do it; it’s the heat that will kill you. That maybe I should look for a 10K and go for that and not take on The Boilermaker.  She is right about the heat, possibly even right about the race.

Could I just race a 10K and feel good about myself. Yes, I could. It’s a safe and achievable goal. The Boilermaker feels just like it’s on the edge of crazy. It’s a challenge, a fight, and when I finish it I will have personal glory. (I could die through the whole race – there are a million “what ifs” & I don’t imagine looking pretty at the end of the race)

My friend D who I am running the race with told me she drove the race course this weekend, that there is one intimidating hill (which there could be more hills, just ones less intimidating to D – so I have to confirm that with her).  It makes me nervous. I am scared of giving up, especially when I feel unmotivated.

So today I’m searching for anything to shake me up, get me in the right frame of mind. I heard U2’s Beautiful Day as I drove into work this morning. So, I’m placing it on the list of power songs. I know the strength is inside me to get through everything I am going through. I just can’t see an endpoint; and well, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I don’t need an end point. Maybe I just need to keep going.

Finding Focus.

The past week was all around rough for me. I was at a conference, I was sick, I was having panic attacks. Since I was sick I chose not to run. There is no point of running myself into the ground with exhaustion. I managed to get through the work week and found myself looking forward to the weekend. I knew I would run on the treadmill Saturday and I had fun plans all weekend long. There were moments of remembering why I love my life, my friends, and why I love myself.

I am proud of myself for this weekend. Yes, there are things I am not proud of as well but I know and understand why I made those choices. Emotional eating and running back to comforts that I probably shouldn’t, yeah those things made me feel guilty but they also made me feel good. Guilty harmful pleasures are like that.

So I’m using the dance technique of “Spotting” for the rest of the week.

I don’t want to lose my focus, lose my center, and lose myself.  Finding a point to return to when you are spinning out of control but you can't just stop you have to keep going.  On my drive into work today I completely disconnected from everything.  It is part of my old coping methods and I am trying to change it. So for now, running will be my spot, my center, and my focus.

Saturday’s run was good. I stepped on the treadmill and started my warm up then I looked at the amount of time for the run. Sixty-two minutes. I was like “holy fuck” I’m going to be on this machine for over an hour. Then I thought about it and remembered that I’d be running for over two hours eventually. I took a deep breath and I began the run. Sixty-two minutes later I had logged in four miles. This is awesome. Because The Boilermaker is 9.6 miles and you have three hours to complete it. If I can walk/run four miles in an hour then in three hours I could do twelve miles (statistically).

Tonight I’ll jump on the treadmill again. I didn’t bring anything to work to do my run right after. It’s just a bit too windy for me right now. So I’ll drive home, get changed, run for an hour, and then eat – shower- sleep.  I’m trying to trick myself into being excited about my training run. I’m trying to spot. Because the work day is long when you have nothing to work on and when your mind is idle – well that’s when the harmful thoughts can do the most damage.

So 30 Seconds to Mars – Closer to the Edge, do your trick. Be my power song today and I promise to spot.

Off topic.

Hotel Kilo.

That’s my new band name. Oh, you haven’t heard about my pension to randomly create band names from random morning thoughts? I actually have a continuous note on my iphone where I can quickly type in a new band name.

Some jems are:
Free Beer & Afterbirth, Pansy Bowls & Flats, Ginger Haired Jesus, The boy I’m banging from Calcutta, Heroes of the Torah, Gyro Station.

Sometimes there are song titles from our first albums as well. Songs like:
She does make a mean fuckin cookie, Fred Savage Says, Too hungover for sunshine, Trippin over children, Quick thinking & canola oil.

This all comes from “getting the band back together” – my band is a group of awesome women who live in New York City. I see them every six months to a year and it’s always crazy when I see them. The band was formed at The Slaughtered Lamb in Greenwich Village where we all picked band rolls (I’m lead singer) and commiserated over beer & fried food, our bands name? Chub Rub & the Backfats, first single – Big Joe’s Jugular.

A few months later we lost a band member due to a relationship break up but we reformed the band with another single lady who I reconnected with. Let me set the record straight. We are in no way a real band. It’s just a bunch of misfits who like a good time. However, I’ve picked up the habit of thinking up band names. Usually I test them out with (insert band name) tonight, live at the Buckhout. If it sounds ok, then it sits in my band name list. Some times we break out into "side projects" or "solo acts" but it's just a silly way to say this is my group of friends and it's become an intersting habit.

So this morning the name Hotel Kilo came into my head for several reasons. I was thinking about alphanumeric code that we used on the radio in Washington D.C. working for NYLC and I’d be Hotel Mike, but I always hated that. Hotel Kilo would sound better I thought but what would I associate the Kilo with. Then the associations flooded inward. The ex-girlfriend’s name started with a K and so I put our real names together again and it was a sucker punch straight out of nowhere.

See I am going through an awkward patch, where you hear an awesome love song and it makes you feel something but you don’t know where to place the emotions. Do you place them with the ex who you are dead to, with the woman who you took a chance with and failed miserably and you are still getting over rejection, or find shiny new infatuation?

Then I thought about how close Hotel Kilo sounded & looked to Hello Kitty and well my love/hate relationship with that Sanrio toy and its cult following are still something I try to steer clear from, so I want to hate it but I am digging the name Hotel Kilo.

It’s all random but it’s what’s on my mind during my morning commute.