I have been reading a lot of inspirational items lately and watching a lot of inspirational training videos. Today, there was one with 18 motivational tips - the last one was "Let Love Move You". It hit me hard and sparked me to write this post, which I will also send out as an email.
Last night with USAFit, we had a send off party, some of our team were heading off to their respective races, others are tapering. My Half Marathon is in 20 days. I have been training for 5 months. It is something that I am very proud of.
My tapering started this Saturday, running just 8 miles and following it up the next day with a 3.5 light run. This coming Saturday is Color Me Rad, which is a 5K and I am not supposed to run it full out - to avoid injury. I'll run 3-4 miles the next day to keep my conditioning. The week following that is only 5 miles. Then it's race day.
So while I am winding down, I do hope you might ramp it up. What do I mean by this? I can't tell you what spectator support does for a runner. I can liken it to theater, how when you see your friends in the first few rows and try not to break character. There is something about a friendly smile, a person with a cowbell, or crazy signs. It's just awesome.
For instance, I was totally jealous of and jealous that I wasn't there for the "Joel Patrol". My friend and via distance coach Joel ran his first IronMan. His team, friends, and family were out there supporting him. Rachel wrote a post about the IronMan and it shows pictures of the Joel Patrol and some great signage for cheering on runners.
What can you do to support me on race day? You can do a couple of things. The largest thing you could do is volunteer - it takes a lot of backstage players to put on a large race. Packet pick ups, aid stations, directing people where to park, etc. Please think about volunteering if you have the time.
Secondly, you can come out and see the race. It's Sunday October 7th, starting at 8:30am. I run approximately 15 minute miles. So that can help you gauge when you'd need to be at a spot. Example, you want to cheer me on at mile 5 at the Maplewood School (32 Cohoes road Watervliet) then you should get there by 9:30 and hang out until 10:30 to cheer me on. You want to see me just over the half-way point at mile 7, then get to the Price Chopper Plaza at 1804 Second Ave,Watervliet between 9:45-10:45.
Holding signs, curing my fever with a little more cowbell, having small 8-10oz bottles of gatorade fruit punch, high fives, and lots of shouting my name are all awesome things you can do.
Being at either of those viewing stations, gives you enough time to travel down to the finish line . Or if you want, just go right to the finish line at the River Front park at the Corning Preserve. Be there between 11-11:45am and you'll get to see me be the proudest emotional wreck you'll ever see. For a map of the race route check out the Hudson Mohawk race page or look at their spectators guide, just remember I'm running the HALF marathon, cause I'm only HALF crazy, the spectators guide gives you notes on the whole marathon & half route.
Why do I want you there? Because I love you and I want you to see me happy, proud and accomplish something that is personally challenging. I want you to know what I sacrificed our Friday nights together for. I want you to experience my joy when I finish. I want you there with a hug. I want your love to move me further and faster than I've ever raced before.
Showing posts with label inspire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inspire. Show all posts
Monday, September 17, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
What's in my pantry?
This weekend I face ten miles again. Jenika was there the last time, asking me what's in my pantry in order to get my panic attack to slow down. But tomorrow I will have ten miles of asking myself what's in my pantry? My pantry.
Canned Goods
Pasta and Rice
Miscellaneous
Beans
Baking Needs
Spices & Seasonings
Paper & Plastic
My pantry has it's staples, it's non perishable items. Heart and courage, canned and ready for long term storage. Humor and common sense, stiff when stored but flexible under hot water. Love and joy, sometimes mushy when left to sit for a long time. Friends and team support, when I need a plan and help to rise. Affirmations, when I need to pepper my journey and a wall of race bibs to show me what I have done.
Joel told me before to "get the fuck over" the fact I ran ten miles. I'm still astonished by it. It's not a "how did I do that", or an "I can't believe I did that", anymore. It's a I ran ten fucking miles.
My pantry holds everything I have been storing up since March. In 30 days, I will test how well I have prepared. I have ten miles this weekend, next weekend I will face twelve, then I will taper with eight, then five.
The twelve, is the last time I'll get to run with my group. I have Color Me Rad on the weekend of eight miles, and then I have a commitment the next weekend as well. When talking to Jenika I said it as "it's just five miles and I can take that on my own."
Joel told me there would be a day when that would happen.
I face my ten miles with my group but on my own. I get to prove to myself that this all isn't a dream.
Canned Goods
Pasta and Rice
Miscellaneous
Beans
Baking Needs
Spices & Seasonings
Paper & Plastic
My pantry has it's staples, it's non perishable items. Heart and courage, canned and ready for long term storage. Humor and common sense, stiff when stored but flexible under hot water. Love and joy, sometimes mushy when left to sit for a long time. Friends and team support, when I need a plan and help to rise. Affirmations, when I need to pepper my journey and a wall of race bibs to show me what I have done.
Joel told me before to "get the fuck over" the fact I ran ten miles. I'm still astonished by it. It's not a "how did I do that", or an "I can't believe I did that", anymore. It's a I ran ten fucking miles.
My pantry holds everything I have been storing up since March. In 30 days, I will test how well I have prepared. I have ten miles this weekend, next weekend I will face twelve, then I will taper with eight, then five.
The twelve, is the last time I'll get to run with my group. I have Color Me Rad on the weekend of eight miles, and then I have a commitment the next weekend as well. When talking to Jenika I said it as "it's just five miles and I can take that on my own."
Joel told me there would be a day when that would happen.
I face my ten miles with my group but on my own. I get to prove to myself that this all isn't a dream.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Death would come off the line...
I am now deep within training. It's the point where it is tough, both physically and mentally. I said to Jenika the other morning that it's kind of crazy because before I used to prep for 10K distances. You know, make sure I was hydrated, that my legs were rested, that my nutrition was spot on. Now, every Saturday I'm running at least a 10K. Yes, I said at least. Most of the time it is more. This weekend it is 7 miles, which will take me about/almost 2 hours to complete. It is the point at which my legs deadened at the Boilermaker. It is the mileage that I need to have a game plan for.
I have reached a point where I have to get serious.
Now, most of my friends would say "Hollie, you are serious and have been serious." To that notion, I say thanks. But in reality I have not been serious because all of it has been manageable so far. Running the distances I need to run the rest of my training requires a lot of work and sacrifice. What do I mean by that?
The individuals in my training group know that Friday nights are a no go out night for most of us, or it's a need to be in bed by 10pm type of evening. However, most of my friends don't get it or don't understand. Statements like, "oh you can run later in the afternoon" or "you've been running enough" or "you're always running" haunt me and my connections with my friends.
I can't do all the things I used to do and expect performance. I have to eat cleaner and stay hydrated from now until October. That is a challenge. Today is even tough because I'm meeting a friend for happy hour. I want to be able to have two beers or two bourbons but I know that I can. I'm not saying I can't have them. It's just hard to think two bourbons is 200 empty calories or two Guinness's is 260 empty calories. I could have two skinless grilled chicken breasts, or a giant (16oz) mean green juice.
When I lived with my parents, we had a bargain. I'd live rent free if I would plan and cook the weeks meals. I spent some time looking at clean eating. There were a bunch of things I loved making. My parent's kitchen is huge and had enough room for me to do everything. My apartment is small, and I have little counter space. I know I need to do something soon. I need to have a lot of things prepped and ready.
Sunday, I got to go out and run with some friends. I needed to make up my 6 miles I missed with my group this week. I had to walk the last two miles because my knee was acting up. I'm pretty sure it's my IT band because my right hip is super tight and it's the outer side of my knee. I ended up looking at movies to watch on my Amazon Prime account and I saw I could rent Hood to Coast and then I saw Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I clicked on Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and sat down to watch it.
It is something that I can't explain when a doctor tells you that you are going to die if you don't change. The words Morbidly Obese. While I've been loosing weight, I'm still classified as Morbidly Obese. Morbid as in death. Watching the gentleman in the movie who is over 400lbs be told his BMI and classification was difficult. I remember being in the same place. I could do pills, shakes, supplements, surgery. I have read all the items about surgery and there was a time when I contemplated it. However, it is not an option for me. It is something I don't want.
In the movie they talk about juice fasts and while that is not something I want to do, I did like the fact that all your fruits and vegetables could be juiced and drank. That IS something I am interested in. In the movie you see the gentleman's progression over 10 months. It is a nice reminder of will power, dedication, and the decision to change. It makes me think about getting a juicer, again not for a fast but as an addition to my current plan. My lose it! app tells me with just caloric shift alone that by March 2013 I would get to my goal weight of around 180lbs. That would have me at just overweight. Death would come off the line and I would continue to work at it.
That IS what I want. So I've got to make peace with my decisions, my shifts and changes in my life, my friendships, my time because my life is worth it.
I have reached a point where I have to get serious.
Now, most of my friends would say "Hollie, you are serious and have been serious." To that notion, I say thanks. But in reality I have not been serious because all of it has been manageable so far. Running the distances I need to run the rest of my training requires a lot of work and sacrifice. What do I mean by that?
The individuals in my training group know that Friday nights are a no go out night for most of us, or it's a need to be in bed by 10pm type of evening. However, most of my friends don't get it or don't understand. Statements like, "oh you can run later in the afternoon" or "you've been running enough" or "you're always running" haunt me and my connections with my friends.
I can't do all the things I used to do and expect performance. I have to eat cleaner and stay hydrated from now until October. That is a challenge. Today is even tough because I'm meeting a friend for happy hour. I want to be able to have two beers or two bourbons but I know that I can. I'm not saying I can't have them. It's just hard to think two bourbons is 200 empty calories or two Guinness's is 260 empty calories. I could have two skinless grilled chicken breasts, or a giant (16oz) mean green juice.
When I lived with my parents, we had a bargain. I'd live rent free if I would plan and cook the weeks meals. I spent some time looking at clean eating. There were a bunch of things I loved making. My parent's kitchen is huge and had enough room for me to do everything. My apartment is small, and I have little counter space. I know I need to do something soon. I need to have a lot of things prepped and ready.
Sunday, I got to go out and run with some friends. I needed to make up my 6 miles I missed with my group this week. I had to walk the last two miles because my knee was acting up. I'm pretty sure it's my IT band because my right hip is super tight and it's the outer side of my knee. I ended up looking at movies to watch on my Amazon Prime account and I saw I could rent Hood to Coast and then I saw Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I clicked on Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and sat down to watch it.
It is something that I can't explain when a doctor tells you that you are going to die if you don't change. The words Morbidly Obese. While I've been loosing weight, I'm still classified as Morbidly Obese. Morbid as in death. Watching the gentleman in the movie who is over 400lbs be told his BMI and classification was difficult. I remember being in the same place. I could do pills, shakes, supplements, surgery. I have read all the items about surgery and there was a time when I contemplated it. However, it is not an option for me. It is something I don't want.
In the movie they talk about juice fasts and while that is not something I want to do, I did like the fact that all your fruits and vegetables could be juiced and drank. That IS something I am interested in. In the movie you see the gentleman's progression over 10 months. It is a nice reminder of will power, dedication, and the decision to change. It makes me think about getting a juicer, again not for a fast but as an addition to my current plan. My lose it! app tells me with just caloric shift alone that by March 2013 I would get to my goal weight of around 180lbs. That would have me at just overweight. Death would come off the line and I would continue to work at it.
That IS what I want. So I've got to make peace with my decisions, my shifts and changes in my life, my friendships, my time because my life is worth it.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
My running family
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| Purdue BGR takes on Ragnar |
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| Mary Beth being all hardcore |
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| Rule#1 - Cardio |
So, I signed up for the Troy Turkey Trot 5K and I told lots of people. It was during my training for this that I talked to Joel about running for the first time. I got some pointers & encouragement. He told me his brother Ed was running the race and eventually we had our own little team, based on my philosophy that my training was purely for the fact that if chased by zombies, I wanted a fighting chance. I had caught the racing bug after that and ran in several more races, including my first Boilermaker.
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| Kerry being all hardcore! |
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| Joel & Ed at the Boilermaker post party |
 | ||||
| I love that orange hat & the lady underneath. |
Jenika and I met up last night at SUNY Albany. Albany Running Exchange was on the track doing their speed work and she and I went out for a run. She asked how much I wanted to do and told me to set the pace. I said I wanted to at least get 40 minutes in and try for 3 miles. Not only was it good to go out and do something physically, it was really good talking with Jenika. See, the thing that they don't tell you when you start group running, is that the people you run with week in and week out become your confidants. When you are running (without headphones) you start to get to know those people, they understand when you have good or bad runs. They understand when life gets too rough and allow you space but will check in to get you back on track. They remind you that you can when everything else is telling you that you can't.
While we ran last night, Jenika told me about Trail Running Camp and how she got some coaching on running hills from some other seasoned runners. It's really neat to see your mentors talk about when they need advice or help on running, and how grateful they are when they get that feedback. It's funny because I am sure that my students from Purdue, Mary Beth, Joel, Ed, Kerry, and Jenika do not realize how much "this littler runner who could" looks up to them and takes to heart the advice & inspiration that they give me.
So thanks guys. I've got big dreams and big shoes to fill.
Monday, July 9, 2012
There goes a fighter
I tracked my split times on my watch during the race. I wanted to see if it was possible for me to come in at 2:28 - like the pace calculator said I could.
lap 1 - (taken at mile 2) = 29:03:00
Mile 3=46:01:00
Mile 4 =1:17:00
Mile 5=1.33:00
10K 6.2=1:36:56
Mile 7=1:51:21
Mile 8=2:07:50
Mile 9=2:24:50
15K 9.3=2:29:42
best pace 10.33, average 16.02
Elevation Stats
total decent 857ft, total ascent 838ft
max altitude 822ft, min altitude 447ft
The Boilermaker is an amazing race. It's terribly hard but amazing. We went up on Saturday to pick up bibs & goody bags. We stay in Ilion, NY at a very shady motel that regularly is $25 a night but during the Boilermaker weekend, it's $94 a night. Things I learned from last year was to bring flip flops. Things I will remember for next year are, sleeping bag, ear plugs, and pillow I don't mind throwing away. My "husband" snored a little, much quieter than my family, and so much quieter than others who say they don't snore.
We go to the same restaurant for dinner and try to find ways to entertain ourselves in the evening. Normally, we get pizza and wings but none of us really felt like that. All three of us were drained for various reasons. I was drained because I got up early, met my running group and walked two miles. By the time i got home from breakfast and showered, it was time to head down to Ed's. So no nap, car ride, heat, & hunger made me a hungry tired bear.
We tried searching for a karaoke bar, as Ed's heard my smack talk but never heard me really sing. Our search failed [however, he asked the McDonald's people in the morning and we found out at the bowling alley they do it - so next year we've got somewhere to go if we want]
Steve & I shared a room and we both went back to it after dinner, around 8:45pm. I read a few chapters in Catching Fire and he read about the race I think. By 10pm we both were ready to sleep, Ed stopped by - said that one part of our crew would be in at 10:30, the other part around midnight.
5:30am is the wake up time. This lets us leave by 6, drive to McDonalds, then drive to the finish to get the shuttles to the start. This is when we met "team hardcore" [Brian, Roshan and Rachel]. I'm partially joking. They were all super nice and very supportive. However, they all came out in their Team in Training jersey's with the football player lines under the eyes, and all the stuff to make a hotel room comfortable. a.k.a. they've done things like this before. "Team Hardcore" is lead by Joel and as always it is nice to see his smiling face and I love hearing his laugh when I tell good jokes at 6am.
Kate's parents were running the race for the first time, the nervous but excited energy was there in her dad. We parked the cars, Steve dropped a pin on his phone, and we headed to the shuttles. I hung out in the front of our group and talked to Rachel as the line moved quickly. I told them about the zebra ladies at mile 6, and the stilts guy at mile 7 that I always want to push over. The buses come up quickly and you get on the ones they tell you. I started to get on the first bus, the same as "team hardcore", Ed and Kate were told to go to the next bus, but her parents saw me go on and said, "we're with that group" and got on the bus with us, while Ed, Kate and Steve got on the next bus.
Kate's mom introduced herself to me and apologized for splitting me and my husband up. I was quick to let her know Steve wasn't my husband [not that he wouldn't be a good one, just more shocked that someone thought I was straight] We got to the port-a-potty area and I snuck in line with Kerry as we gave Kerry, Nathan & Jeff their bibs. People freak out easily when they hear the gun for the wheelchair race go off, and from there they announced the race was to start but we all knew there would be a good 15 minute difference from the start to when we got there.
We start at the back of all the people in the race. It's chip timed so it just makes it easier. I spotted some USAFit marathoner's and got their attention and said hello. It was kind of neat to be in this group of 15 in the back that I knew all of them. We spotted Marey & Joe and they came over and started with us too.
The first mile of the Boilermaker sucks for me. It makes me think "why in the hell did i sign up for this" but I know mile two is my jam. It's shaded, the people are great. I told "team hardcore" about the popsicle's, how I know they are given out but by the time I get to the area, all i see are wrappers. I was running and spotted a lime green popsicle and I ran right to it. I got the last one. In my mind this meant I was much speedier than I imagined. [both Ed & Steve told me later that when they passed the popsicle's, Steve didn't take one and said "I'm leaving that one for Hollie"]
The end of mile two into mile three just sucks. It's a gradual steady incline. It takes you to the monster mile long hill. When I passed the mile three marker the woman in front of me stopped to take a picture of the long trail of runners on the hill. I had forgotten other people were racing until she took that picture. This caused her to pause, which caused me to pass her! I was counting "kills" during the race, this was my second kill.
I will always walk the long hill in the golf course [until i'm a stronger runner]. I kept moving my little arms faster and knew that i'd make up some time on the downhill. I picked off and old man and the power walker who beat me last year. I kept doing my intervals nice and strong through 5.5 miles but by mile six the heat was finally beating down on me. My long sleeve white shirt helped so much, reflected sun and when it was wet it helped me cool down with the breeze. I hit the 10K mark and was just two minutes over my best 10K time. It is at that point where you just have to tell yourself it's one more 5K.
However, it's probably my least favorite part of the race. From mile six to seven there is no shade and a hill incline. I constantly swear "fucking utica college" while walking it, because it's the only frame of reference I have. Also, all the Uticans that say it's all downhill from here - I know you are lying. Mile seven also houses the man on stilts on the decline. Because I am in pain & struggling with deadened legs at this point, I always want to push over the guy on stilts. However, I always give him a high five and continue to run. This is where I picked up two more kills.
On this decline there are a lot of water sprayers. One's set up on the course and ones set up by Utican's with their hoses. I got sprayed down as many times as I could, without a care of my wet tshirt contest I had going on. [i was wearing an orange sports bra, so i didn't care] I got to mile eight. This is where last year Joel found me and got me a sno-cone. This year, there were no sno-cones and no Joel. It was better that way. I had to do it myself. I had to make it to the finish myself.
Joel's words of pump your arms poured into my head and I did. I tried to get back into my intervals but they mostly came when I found people I wanted to try and pass. I was inching closer and closer to the beef team woman and three of her pink shirt friends. They were walking/running for fun at this point. I stated to myself - a kill is a kill. At mile nine I was right behind them. I walked as fast as I could, knowing I could pull it out in the last .3 of the race. That last .3 is downhill. I ran the first .15 to get past the women. That made 10 kills! I walked the next .10 so I had enough to run the last .5
I finished it. Created a new personal record. No one was at the finish line for me. That was sad and hard for like 30 seconds. I caught my breath and knew I had to meet up with everyone at the post race party. I was excited to tell everyone how I did. I walked through the crowds, gave miniature dirty looks at people without race tags eating the oranges out for the racers [as there were people out there still] and turned on my cell reception to get a text from Joel having us all meet up. I drank my first beer. Ed found us and handed me a second beer & a yogurt. I ate an apple & grapes given to me by "team hardcore" and smiled a lot. Joel placed my finisher's medal around my neck and I went to grab two more beers. I had beaten my second race - to drink more than .5 of a beer at the end.
I tried my damnest to find the sno-cone area and to meet up with USAFit people but I couldn't find them and figured they had already hopped back on the bus to Albany. I was hoping to get a picture with all four of my running mentors [Ed, Joel, Kerry and Jenika] but that's like a big dream to wrangle in a crowd of 20,000 people. Jeff texted Ed saying Kerry finished the race and was in need of my inhaler, so we found them and hung out in the shade for a little while.
We rolled out, making a stop at the brewery to use our half off with race bib discount making sure to keep our eye on Steve as last year we lost him. Last year it was hell for me going to the brewery because I was so sore. I just sat there. This year, a case of Utica Club was purchased and carried back to the car.
I changed into my I RUN UTICA shirt and wore my medal with pride. I asked if we could stop at the first rest stop so I could get milkshakes for everyone. Ed obliged and once again, it was the greatest tasting thing in the world.
Upon my arrival home, I showered and changed and waited for my friend John to come over. It was a night of wine, great food, Game of Thrones, and ice packs. I fell asleep around 9:30. I am off from work today and have a very nice day planed. Oil change, pedicure & manicure, massage, dinner, and a movie. I earned it. I am proud of myself for so many reasons.
I know I have literal & figurative miles to go in my half marathon training. I know that it's OK to not have anyone at the finish line, because there are so many waiting other places to hear the results. I know that I can push myself. I know that comfort is a dirty drug. I know it's OK to remember but so much better to push forward. I know that when I set goals, I work hard to achieve them. I know that I am "selfish" and that I want this, this ability to take the time to prove something to myself. That I can be the version of the person I see on the inside and that pictures do not reflect who I am.
lap 1 - (taken at mile 2) = 29:03:00
Mile 3=46:01:00
Mile 4 =1:17:00
Mile 5=1.33:00
10K 6.2=1:36:56
Mile 7=1:51:21
Mile 8=2:07:50
Mile 9=2:24:50
15K 9.3=2:29:42
 |
| Boilermaker Race Elevation Chart |
best pace 10.33, average 16.02
Elevation Stats
total decent 857ft, total ascent 838ft
max altitude 822ft, min altitude 447ft
The Boilermaker is an amazing race. It's terribly hard but amazing. We went up on Saturday to pick up bibs & goody bags. We stay in Ilion, NY at a very shady motel that regularly is $25 a night but during the Boilermaker weekend, it's $94 a night. Things I learned from last year was to bring flip flops. Things I will remember for next year are, sleeping bag, ear plugs, and pillow I don't mind throwing away. My "husband" snored a little, much quieter than my family, and so much quieter than others who say they don't snore.
We go to the same restaurant for dinner and try to find ways to entertain ourselves in the evening. Normally, we get pizza and wings but none of us really felt like that. All three of us were drained for various reasons. I was drained because I got up early, met my running group and walked two miles. By the time i got home from breakfast and showered, it was time to head down to Ed's. So no nap, car ride, heat, & hunger made me a hungry tired bear.
We tried searching for a karaoke bar, as Ed's heard my smack talk but never heard me really sing. Our search failed [however, he asked the McDonald's people in the morning and we found out at the bowling alley they do it - so next year we've got somewhere to go if we want]
Steve & I shared a room and we both went back to it after dinner, around 8:45pm. I read a few chapters in Catching Fire and he read about the race I think. By 10pm we both were ready to sleep, Ed stopped by - said that one part of our crew would be in at 10:30, the other part around midnight.
5:30am is the wake up time. This lets us leave by 6, drive to McDonalds, then drive to the finish to get the shuttles to the start. This is when we met "team hardcore" [Brian, Roshan and Rachel]. I'm partially joking. They were all super nice and very supportive. However, they all came out in their Team in Training jersey's with the football player lines under the eyes, and all the stuff to make a hotel room comfortable. a.k.a. they've done things like this before. "Team Hardcore" is lead by Joel and as always it is nice to see his smiling face and I love hearing his laugh when I tell good jokes at 6am.
Kate's parents were running the race for the first time, the nervous but excited energy was there in her dad. We parked the cars, Steve dropped a pin on his phone, and we headed to the shuttles. I hung out in the front of our group and talked to Rachel as the line moved quickly. I told them about the zebra ladies at mile 6, and the stilts guy at mile 7 that I always want to push over. The buses come up quickly and you get on the ones they tell you. I started to get on the first bus, the same as "team hardcore", Ed and Kate were told to go to the next bus, but her parents saw me go on and said, "we're with that group" and got on the bus with us, while Ed, Kate and Steve got on the next bus.
Kate's mom introduced herself to me and apologized for splitting me and my husband up. I was quick to let her know Steve wasn't my husband [not that he wouldn't be a good one, just more shocked that someone thought I was straight] We got to the port-a-potty area and I snuck in line with Kerry as we gave Kerry, Nathan & Jeff their bibs. People freak out easily when they hear the gun for the wheelchair race go off, and from there they announced the race was to start but we all knew there would be a good 15 minute difference from the start to when we got there.
We start at the back of all the people in the race. It's chip timed so it just makes it easier. I spotted some USAFit marathoner's and got their attention and said hello. It was kind of neat to be in this group of 15 in the back that I knew all of them. We spotted Marey & Joe and they came over and started with us too.
The first mile of the Boilermaker sucks for me. It makes me think "why in the hell did i sign up for this" but I know mile two is my jam. It's shaded, the people are great. I told "team hardcore" about the popsicle's, how I know they are given out but by the time I get to the area, all i see are wrappers. I was running and spotted a lime green popsicle and I ran right to it. I got the last one. In my mind this meant I was much speedier than I imagined. [both Ed & Steve told me later that when they passed the popsicle's, Steve didn't take one and said "I'm leaving that one for Hollie"]
The end of mile two into mile three just sucks. It's a gradual steady incline. It takes you to the monster mile long hill. When I passed the mile three marker the woman in front of me stopped to take a picture of the long trail of runners on the hill. I had forgotten other people were racing until she took that picture. This caused her to pause, which caused me to pass her! I was counting "kills" during the race, this was my second kill.
I will always walk the long hill in the golf course [until i'm a stronger runner]. I kept moving my little arms faster and knew that i'd make up some time on the downhill. I picked off and old man and the power walker who beat me last year. I kept doing my intervals nice and strong through 5.5 miles but by mile six the heat was finally beating down on me. My long sleeve white shirt helped so much, reflected sun and when it was wet it helped me cool down with the breeze. I hit the 10K mark and was just two minutes over my best 10K time. It is at that point where you just have to tell yourself it's one more 5K.
However, it's probably my least favorite part of the race. From mile six to seven there is no shade and a hill incline. I constantly swear "fucking utica college" while walking it, because it's the only frame of reference I have. Also, all the Uticans that say it's all downhill from here - I know you are lying. Mile seven also houses the man on stilts on the decline. Because I am in pain & struggling with deadened legs at this point, I always want to push over the guy on stilts. However, I always give him a high five and continue to run. This is where I picked up two more kills.
On this decline there are a lot of water sprayers. One's set up on the course and ones set up by Utican's with their hoses. I got sprayed down as many times as I could, without a care of my wet tshirt contest I had going on. [i was wearing an orange sports bra, so i didn't care] I got to mile eight. This is where last year Joel found me and got me a sno-cone. This year, there were no sno-cones and no Joel. It was better that way. I had to do it myself. I had to make it to the finish myself.
Joel's words of pump your arms poured into my head and I did. I tried to get back into my intervals but they mostly came when I found people I wanted to try and pass. I was inching closer and closer to the beef team woman and three of her pink shirt friends. They were walking/running for fun at this point. I stated to myself - a kill is a kill. At mile nine I was right behind them. I walked as fast as I could, knowing I could pull it out in the last .3 of the race. That last .3 is downhill. I ran the first .15 to get past the women. That made 10 kills! I walked the next .10 so I had enough to run the last .5
I tried my damnest to find the sno-cone area and to meet up with USAFit people but I couldn't find them and figured they had already hopped back on the bus to Albany. I was hoping to get a picture with all four of my running mentors [Ed, Joel, Kerry and Jenika] but that's like a big dream to wrangle in a crowd of 20,000 people. Jeff texted Ed saying Kerry finished the race and was in need of my inhaler, so we found them and hung out in the shade for a little while.
We rolled out, making a stop at the brewery to use our half off with race bib discount making sure to keep our eye on Steve as last year we lost him. Last year it was hell for me going to the brewery because I was so sore. I just sat there. This year, a case of Utica Club was purchased and carried back to the car.
I changed into my I RUN UTICA shirt and wore my medal with pride. I asked if we could stop at the first rest stop so I could get milkshakes for everyone. Ed obliged and once again, it was the greatest tasting thing in the world.
Upon my arrival home, I showered and changed and waited for my friend John to come over. It was a night of wine, great food, Game of Thrones, and ice packs. I fell asleep around 9:30. I am off from work today and have a very nice day planed. Oil change, pedicure & manicure, massage, dinner, and a movie. I earned it. I am proud of myself for so many reasons.
I know I have literal & figurative miles to go in my half marathon training. I know that it's OK to not have anyone at the finish line, because there are so many waiting other places to hear the results. I know that I can push myself. I know that comfort is a dirty drug. I know it's OK to remember but so much better to push forward. I know that when I set goals, I work hard to achieve them. I know that I am "selfish" and that I want this, this ability to take the time to prove something to myself. That I can be the version of the person I see on the inside and that pictures do not reflect who I am.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
For no one else
This morning I met the usual group of Saturday morning runners at the Crossings. A large amount of full marathoner's are running the Boilermaker. I am able to jump into the conversation because I survived the race once and I fully intend to mentally race it this year.
The anticipation is the worst. You plan for the race, you don't plan for anything else. So when you start thinking about not finishing, what time you have to get up, what you'll wear, what you'll eat....well it tends to become overwhelming.
After getting home and taking a shower, the question crept in. What will others think, if I fail? Secondly, what will I think if I fail? I posted an entire post about it last year and while I type, it is on my mind now.
There have been people I've wanted to talk to this week (while I was avoiding the world and focused on this weekend) However, I don't know what to say. I just wanted to scare away that feeling of being alone. I haven't had any of those conversations and I still struggle with the idea of making some phone calls this afternoon. I am just going to give in to the experience. This weekend is one for stories to be made.
I am running this race for no one else. I will finish this race for no one else. I will accept the joy & congratulation when I finish, no one else can take that away.
The anticipation is the worst. You plan for the race, you don't plan for anything else. So when you start thinking about not finishing, what time you have to get up, what you'll wear, what you'll eat....well it tends to become overwhelming.
After getting home and taking a shower, the question crept in. What will others think, if I fail? Secondly, what will I think if I fail? I posted an entire post about it last year and while I type, it is on my mind now.
There have been people I've wanted to talk to this week (while I was avoiding the world and focused on this weekend) However, I don't know what to say. I just wanted to scare away that feeling of being alone. I haven't had any of those conversations and I still struggle with the idea of making some phone calls this afternoon. I am just going to give in to the experience. This weekend is one for stories to be made.
I am running this race for no one else. I will finish this race for no one else. I will accept the joy & congratulation when I finish, no one else can take that away.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Maybe I changed my tune
This past Sunday I ran my Fall Frun Run 10K race that I had been training for with the BeRunning group. While I went into running and training with a group open minded I found that I struggled with the process. Sometimes it was hard because of my speed, I ran with the same people week in and week out. I got to know them but I didn't get to know the whole group. (In actuality, it's a really interesting study in group dynamics because we never really went through Tuckman's theory of development.)
I'm an introvert, so until I know you and feel safe/comfortable around you I really don't show my personality. Which means, when we wait in a group at the beginning and end of runs, well I become an awkward 12 year old kid. So that also means I try to find the fastest route out of the awkward situation.
So I was going into Sunday's run with a shaky leg, the mentor I ran with the most was down in NYC supporting another BeRunner in the NYC Marathon, and everyone was faster than I was. Wicked faster than I was. I had the fear of coming in last inside my head.
Left and right we kept being asked if we were nervous. I responded each time, yes. I was nervous. Inside I knew that I didn't give it everything I could have in my training, that I had a few setbacks physically, that mentally I've been all over the place. I voiced my fear of coming in last and being slow to Jenika, a fellow participant. She assured me I'd be great and said she'd come back out to find me after she finished as long as I agreed to do the same for her if I finished before her. That made me smile. We both knew she'd finish first but she just kept trying to stay positive with me.
As a group we gathered and Fantastic George led us in a cheer to get us excited. It got us a lot of glances, which was neat because people were wondering who our group was. George said it would happen, but sometimes I let my skeptic win out.
I lined up with the other runners from our group and once again, taking the voice of Ed Tse in my head (and in my face!) "let's hang out to the side and let everyone else start". Then keeping the voice of Joel Tse in my head, I picked out a target for a "kill" (i know that doesn't sound nice but it's meant with love)
It didn't take very long for the entire group of runners to be way off in the distance to me. We hit a shady patch of the course running out to the road and i thought, maybe I didn't have enough layers on, or maybe next time bring your gloves. I use a GymBoss timer to give me my intervals. I was doing 7 minutes running & 1 minute walking. My legs were so heavy that the first mile made me feel like death. My left shin and ankle were tightening, I started to get worried. I was running and it was painful. I kept hearing Marey's voice telling me to relax from toe to crown, kept hearing Kerry tell me to slow down and keep my shoulders loose.
As I approached 1.5 miles I made my move. Purple hat & orange shirt had been in front of me. I knew that I was currently in last place. I knew that I needed to pick it up in order to get past them. I thought we might play "tag" like I did with the women in the Great Pumpkin but I passed them, chalked two kills internally and then went back to my leg.
I had passed the first mile clock around 13:50 which is pretty damn good for me. However, it also let me know I was running faster than my regular pace and that I had planed for a 15/16 min per mile pace. So I slowed it down and tried to relax while walking. When I got to the mile two clock Marey was manning the station. She asked how I was feeling, reminded me to relax and I kept on trucking.
Around mile 2.5 (i think) was our first hill. Now, I knew there would be a hill there. It wasn't super steep it was just longer than I expected. I ran a bit of it but then had to walk. Dorothea's voice was in my ear telling me not to be stubborn & prideful and just accept the walk uphill. The rolling hills after the big hill, well those sucked balls too, but I kept my arms pumping and kept looking back making sure I was putting some distance between me and purple hat.
When I saw the mile 4 clock, it felt good to know I was on track to sustain 1 hour 36 minutes as my 10K PR time. I did the math, I thought I'd make it and have a slight chance to even beat it. Mile 5 left me feeling cold, we were getting back in shady parts, there were more cars on the road, the runners who have finished the race in 40 minutes are now running the reverse race route doing their additional run workout (which makes you want to trip them, I'm not going to lie to you)
I started the journey back onto Shenedahowa's campus, I had forgotten that we had to run across a field. Just as I was not feeling the field I heard "YOU GOT THIS HOLLIE!" over a megaphone. It was coming from Fantastic George. I ran closer and saw Marey. I saw Jenika's orange hat, Jessie & Latticia, I heard Ed's voice. They all came back to run me in. I was loosing my breath at that point. The cold air was wrecking my lungs, burning with each breath. Ed told me he was a zombie chasing me, Letticia started singing the U.S. States song, they all just kept me going.
We got onto the track and started the last bit of the run. My brother ran up on the side and started running with us as a group. Letticia knew what my 10K goal was, she kept giving me updates. Ed told me to push until i didn't think i could push anymore and that I could pass out after the finish line. Next Letticia told me I had 30 seconds to get to the finish to make my goal.
I started sprinting. I honestly have no idea where the energy came from. It hurt, i'm not going to lie. My lungs burnt and I was ready to cry but no one was taking my goal away from me, myself included.
As I started to sprint I could hear the group running with me start shouting & cheering and I was running to an even bigger group waiting for me cheering and jumping. I crossed the finish line at 1:35:55 (with the Ed Tse voice inside telling me yeah I did even better cause of my NET time!) I crossed the finish line and went right into hugs, high fives, and photos. I set a new 10K PR (personal record) of 1:35:29
I finally got it. I finally understood group running. I had asked a lot of friends to come out to the race and see me finish. Honestly, who wants to wake up early to watch someone finish a race right at the end? My fellow group of BeRunning runners do. They wanted to support me and they wanted to see me succeed on my own level of success. Not once did any of them tell me I shouldn't run a 10K, or that I was too slow. They just kept telling me that I could.
So to answer the doubts that I had when I told myself that I paid money to have someone remind me to run, that's not what you paid for Hollie. You paid for an opportunity to be introduced to some amazing people who showed you that runners come in every shape, size and speed.
So maybe I changed my tune and you know what? I feel FANTASTIC GEORGE!
I'm an introvert, so until I know you and feel safe/comfortable around you I really don't show my personality. Which means, when we wait in a group at the beginning and end of runs, well I become an awkward 12 year old kid. So that also means I try to find the fastest route out of the awkward situation.
So I was going into Sunday's run with a shaky leg, the mentor I ran with the most was down in NYC supporting another BeRunner in the NYC Marathon, and everyone was faster than I was. Wicked faster than I was. I had the fear of coming in last inside my head.
Left and right we kept being asked if we were nervous. I responded each time, yes. I was nervous. Inside I knew that I didn't give it everything I could have in my training, that I had a few setbacks physically, that mentally I've been all over the place. I voiced my fear of coming in last and being slow to Jenika, a fellow participant. She assured me I'd be great and said she'd come back out to find me after she finished as long as I agreed to do the same for her if I finished before her. That made me smile. We both knew she'd finish first but she just kept trying to stay positive with me.
As a group we gathered and Fantastic George led us in a cheer to get us excited. It got us a lot of glances, which was neat because people were wondering who our group was. George said it would happen, but sometimes I let my skeptic win out.
I lined up with the other runners from our group and once again, taking the voice of Ed Tse in my head (and in my face!) "let's hang out to the side and let everyone else start". Then keeping the voice of Joel Tse in my head, I picked out a target for a "kill" (i know that doesn't sound nice but it's meant with love)
It didn't take very long for the entire group of runners to be way off in the distance to me. We hit a shady patch of the course running out to the road and i thought, maybe I didn't have enough layers on, or maybe next time bring your gloves. I use a GymBoss timer to give me my intervals. I was doing 7 minutes running & 1 minute walking. My legs were so heavy that the first mile made me feel like death. My left shin and ankle were tightening, I started to get worried. I was running and it was painful. I kept hearing Marey's voice telling me to relax from toe to crown, kept hearing Kerry tell me to slow down and keep my shoulders loose.
As I approached 1.5 miles I made my move. Purple hat & orange shirt had been in front of me. I knew that I was currently in last place. I knew that I needed to pick it up in order to get past them. I thought we might play "tag" like I did with the women in the Great Pumpkin but I passed them, chalked two kills internally and then went back to my leg.
I had passed the first mile clock around 13:50 which is pretty damn good for me. However, it also let me know I was running faster than my regular pace and that I had planed for a 15/16 min per mile pace. So I slowed it down and tried to relax while walking. When I got to the mile two clock Marey was manning the station. She asked how I was feeling, reminded me to relax and I kept on trucking.
Around mile 2.5 (i think) was our first hill. Now, I knew there would be a hill there. It wasn't super steep it was just longer than I expected. I ran a bit of it but then had to walk. Dorothea's voice was in my ear telling me not to be stubborn & prideful and just accept the walk uphill. The rolling hills after the big hill, well those sucked balls too, but I kept my arms pumping and kept looking back making sure I was putting some distance between me and purple hat.
When I saw the mile 4 clock, it felt good to know I was on track to sustain 1 hour 36 minutes as my 10K PR time. I did the math, I thought I'd make it and have a slight chance to even beat it. Mile 5 left me feeling cold, we were getting back in shady parts, there were more cars on the road, the runners who have finished the race in 40 minutes are now running the reverse race route doing their additional run workout (which makes you want to trip them, I'm not going to lie to you)
 |
| leave no BeRunner behind |
 |
| A runnin rhino all the way to the end |
I started sprinting. I honestly have no idea where the energy came from. It hurt, i'm not going to lie. My lungs burnt and I was ready to cry but no one was taking my goal away from me, myself included.
 |
| Both sides of the finish line |
 |
| George P. Kansas and I |
I finally got it. I finally understood group running. I had asked a lot of friends to come out to the race and see me finish. Honestly, who wants to wake up early to watch someone finish a race right at the end? My fellow group of BeRunning runners do. They wanted to support me and they wanted to see me succeed on my own level of success. Not once did any of them tell me I shouldn't run a 10K, or that I was too slow. They just kept telling me that I could.
So to answer the doubts that I had when I told myself that I paid money to have someone remind me to run, that's not what you paid for Hollie. You paid for an opportunity to be introduced to some amazing people who showed you that runners come in every shape, size and speed.
So maybe I changed my tune and you know what? I feel FANTASTIC GEORGE!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Boiler Up!
15K race recap
We left for Utica on Saturday afternoon. Prior to our departure I was a huge bitch to everyone in my path. My family knows when I am stressed out to just stay out of my way. Well, everyone but my father knows this. He just decides to ask questions I’ve already given answers to right when I am desperately searching for something I need to pack.
We got en route and drove right to the packet pick up at the race expo. Our clan we were staying with at the hotel was running late so a plan of photo id pictures sent via text message to us allowed us to pick up everyone elses bib’s & goodie bags.
D. had called when we were there and while we were picking up other bibs she managed to find me. We figured out the actual math and it was 3 years since we had seen each other. While picking up bib’s Paul asked if there was any spots that opened up so he could run the race. While he went off to do that D, her dad, & I went through the goodie bag line. I was picking up goodie bags for five people, when I hear “Ms. Miller!” Pam from Oswego jumped out and gave me a huge hug. She and I haven’t seen each other in 10 years. We talked quickly and then I exited the line and asked D. if she saw what just happened. I told her it was Pam. She said, “Pam from Oswego?” and I said “yep, I think I'm a little more nauseous now, then being worried about the race.” Pam was my first girlfriend and truly I haven’t seen her in over 10 years. She looked exactly the same, she looked good, and the hug was solid & true - reflecting on it now, I’m glad I ran into her.
D. & her dad left and I caught up with my brother. We made our way to the hotel and passed out everyone’s bibs & stuff. Then we headed to Lombardo’s and the pre race feast began. I got to eat everything that I had avoided for the week. Pizza, french fries, some antipasti and a huge Arnold Palmer.
Dinner was spent asking questions like what if I have to go to the bathroom while running? How do I take the water cups & drinks and run (pinch the cup) and pointers like take the ice and stick it down your bra.
After dinner we all just relaxed. The other gang played some frisbee outside. I got to have a nice conversation with Champ. Then we went to bed.
I had paul set his alarm in case mine didn’t work. Good thing too, because mine didn’t work. We woke up at 5:40 got dressed and were out of the hotel by 6am to drop off Steve at the 5K start line. Then we went and parked at the finish line and took the shuttles to the start. This was the first race where I had to do that. It was just pure insanity. Highly organized but still pure insanity. I was intimidated by runners who were more fit than I was. One kid was running it barefoot. I saw D. in the start corral, we hugged, I told her I loved her and hoped to see her at the end. We got to the start line corral and Ed suggested we just wait. It was good too because from the race start gun to when I crossed the start line was a good ten minutes. During this time my Champ texted and said she was at the start. It filled me with so much love to see her there.
I started the race at the back of the pack. Ed, Paul & Kate all are faster runners than I am, so they put some distance between us in the first mile. I’m not going to lie. The first mile was the hardest. I saw the pack her further away from me, I felt i was running too fast, my side was cramping. I felt lame for having to walk within the first mile. A race official saw me and told me to drink a lot of water, smile and just have fun.
The one thing I must say is the city of Utica fucking rocks. All along the race route the people were so great. So many smiles, high fives, Popsicle stops, ice stations all that were just spectator provided. The race was so well organized and there was music and entertainment the entire route.
My nike+ app was going and I had it give me time updates instead of mileage updates so I never knew where I was in mileage until I saw race signs and clocks. After I past the 5K distance I knew the mile 4 hill was coming up. I walked that bitch. I was perfectly fine with walking it. It was also at that time that we heard the winner ran the race in 43 minutes. I was just on mile 4 at that time. Downhill, I ran the whole way. I turned the corner and then was onto mile 5. I’ve never run past 4.5 miles in all of my training. I just ran 5 miles. I was half way through with the race.
I approached the 6th mile & 10K distance at a rate that I never imagined. 1 hour 38 minutes. When I passed the 10K marker I thought OK Hollie, this is where you said you’d at least be happy with yourself but seriously it’s just one more 5K. Mile 7 is another incline I needed to walk it. I was still walk/running but I needed to walk the hill. All along the route little kids were clamoring to hand me my waters, EMS were checking in with me to see if I was doing OK. I was in a race with two men in their 70’s and one power walker in her early 40’s.
Mile 8 I rounded the corner to the factory and was like WHAT THE FUCK, there’s no shade like you said there would be son. My battery on my phone crapped out and I had to run the rest of the race with no music. No music, dead legs, and swelling hands were all piling up on me. Then like a vision from and oasis there was Joel coming towards me. He handed me his water bottle and showed me how to power walk to make my arms pull me forward and do the work for me. I kept walking and he jumped out and got me a cherry snow cone from the people on the side of the race. It felt good & cold and I was so hot that it was awesome. The whole way getting to mile 9 people kept saying it’s all downhill, or it’s almost finished. We got past mile 9 and Joel said OK, it’s .3 of a mile, that’s like 6 city blocks. I picked up my feet and trotted down the hill. Joel left me and told me it was all me across the finish line. As I approached there was Champ on the right cheering out my name.
I crossed the finish line and Ed congratulated me on finishing my first Boilermaker. A race official came up to me and said this was your first time? I replied yes. She said thank you for running and congratulations and I’d like to shake your hand. So she did.
I finished the race with a net time of 2:34:46
From there was was getting to the post race party. I needed salt very badly. I had stopped at all 20 water stations, so I was hydrated but I lost so much salt through my sweat that my fingers were swollen and I couldn’t make fists without my hands shaking. We found Paul, I drank a beer, and then we ate our lunches in the sun. Champ suggested I get a massage before we left and she went and signed me up for one. It was one of the greatest things. While walking back to the cars we stopped in the Saranac gift shop for some discounted brews but we lost Steve in the crowd.
My legs were OK but my feet had blisters so it was hard to walk. We got back to the truck and I got my bag and Paul drove Champ & I to her car. We stopped at the first rest area and ran into my brother there. I got the best chocolate milkshake and pretzels i’ve ever eaten. Champ had to run back in after and she ran into Joel.
The car ride home with her was so nice. We knew it would be the last moments we’d have together before she left. Our goodbye at my house was hard. I honestly miss her already. She kept smiling at me and told me how proud of me she was. I still love the fact she woke up ass early and drove an hour and a half and had her own crazy misadventures to see me in this race.
I got inside and my mom started to help me with my blisters. My left foot is OK but my right foot had a blister the side of a silver dollar. I took a three hour nap. Our parents went and got food for Paul & I and then my mom and I watched Life as We Know It. It was good and I didn’t have to think (like in all Katherine Heigl) movies. However, there was a scene where her character drives as fast as she can to the airport. That’s when I cried. There is a huge part of me that wants to do that tomorrow but I'm in training from 10am-2pm and her flight is at 3pm. So I’m just going to take tomorrow easy. I’m going to let myself feel everything that I feel tomorrow.
So what’s the next race? Silks & Satins 5K in Saratoga State Park in about two weeks. I have the rest of July before I make my decision but the next big race may be The Walt Disney World Half Marathon in January. I’d start training for it in August. I’m pretty settled on doing it but I just want to let myself come down from my runner’s high.
We left for Utica on Saturday afternoon. Prior to our departure I was a huge bitch to everyone in my path. My family knows when I am stressed out to just stay out of my way. Well, everyone but my father knows this. He just decides to ask questions I’ve already given answers to right when I am desperately searching for something I need to pack.
We got en route and drove right to the packet pick up at the race expo. Our clan we were staying with at the hotel was running late so a plan of photo id pictures sent via text message to us allowed us to pick up everyone elses bib’s & goodie bags.
D. had called when we were there and while we were picking up other bibs she managed to find me. We figured out the actual math and it was 3 years since we had seen each other. While picking up bib’s Paul asked if there was any spots that opened up so he could run the race. While he went off to do that D, her dad, & I went through the goodie bag line. I was picking up goodie bags for five people, when I hear “Ms. Miller!” Pam from Oswego jumped out and gave me a huge hug. She and I haven’t seen each other in 10 years. We talked quickly and then I exited the line and asked D. if she saw what just happened. I told her it was Pam. She said, “Pam from Oswego?” and I said “yep, I think I'm a little more nauseous now, then being worried about the race.” Pam was my first girlfriend and truly I haven’t seen her in over 10 years. She looked exactly the same, she looked good, and the hug was solid & true - reflecting on it now, I’m glad I ran into her.
D. & her dad left and I caught up with my brother. We made our way to the hotel and passed out everyone’s bibs & stuff. Then we headed to Lombardo’s and the pre race feast began. I got to eat everything that I had avoided for the week. Pizza, french fries, some antipasti and a huge Arnold Palmer.
Dinner was spent asking questions like what if I have to go to the bathroom while running? How do I take the water cups & drinks and run (pinch the cup) and pointers like take the ice and stick it down your bra.
After dinner we all just relaxed. The other gang played some frisbee outside. I got to have a nice conversation with Champ. Then we went to bed.
I had paul set his alarm in case mine didn’t work. Good thing too, because mine didn’t work. We woke up at 5:40 got dressed and were out of the hotel by 6am to drop off Steve at the 5K start line. Then we went and parked at the finish line and took the shuttles to the start. This was the first race where I had to do that. It was just pure insanity. Highly organized but still pure insanity. I was intimidated by runners who were more fit than I was. One kid was running it barefoot. I saw D. in the start corral, we hugged, I told her I loved her and hoped to see her at the end. We got to the start line corral and Ed suggested we just wait. It was good too because from the race start gun to when I crossed the start line was a good ten minutes. During this time my Champ texted and said she was at the start. It filled me with so much love to see her there.
I started the race at the back of the pack. Ed, Paul & Kate all are faster runners than I am, so they put some distance between us in the first mile. I’m not going to lie. The first mile was the hardest. I saw the pack her further away from me, I felt i was running too fast, my side was cramping. I felt lame for having to walk within the first mile. A race official saw me and told me to drink a lot of water, smile and just have fun.
The one thing I must say is the city of Utica fucking rocks. All along the race route the people were so great. So many smiles, high fives, Popsicle stops, ice stations all that were just spectator provided. The race was so well organized and there was music and entertainment the entire route.
My nike+ app was going and I had it give me time updates instead of mileage updates so I never knew where I was in mileage until I saw race signs and clocks. After I past the 5K distance I knew the mile 4 hill was coming up. I walked that bitch. I was perfectly fine with walking it. It was also at that time that we heard the winner ran the race in 43 minutes. I was just on mile 4 at that time. Downhill, I ran the whole way. I turned the corner and then was onto mile 5. I’ve never run past 4.5 miles in all of my training. I just ran 5 miles. I was half way through with the race.
I approached the 6th mile & 10K distance at a rate that I never imagined. 1 hour 38 minutes. When I passed the 10K marker I thought OK Hollie, this is where you said you’d at least be happy with yourself but seriously it’s just one more 5K. Mile 7 is another incline I needed to walk it. I was still walk/running but I needed to walk the hill. All along the route little kids were clamoring to hand me my waters, EMS were checking in with me to see if I was doing OK. I was in a race with two men in their 70’s and one power walker in her early 40’s.
Mile 8 I rounded the corner to the factory and was like WHAT THE FUCK, there’s no shade like you said there would be son. My battery on my phone crapped out and I had to run the rest of the race with no music. No music, dead legs, and swelling hands were all piling up on me. Then like a vision from and oasis there was Joel coming towards me. He handed me his water bottle and showed me how to power walk to make my arms pull me forward and do the work for me. I kept walking and he jumped out and got me a cherry snow cone from the people on the side of the race. It felt good & cold and I was so hot that it was awesome. The whole way getting to mile 9 people kept saying it’s all downhill, or it’s almost finished. We got past mile 9 and Joel said OK, it’s .3 of a mile, that’s like 6 city blocks. I picked up my feet and trotted down the hill. Joel left me and told me it was all me across the finish line. As I approached there was Champ on the right cheering out my name.
I crossed the finish line and Ed congratulated me on finishing my first Boilermaker. A race official came up to me and said this was your first time? I replied yes. She said thank you for running and congratulations and I’d like to shake your hand. So she did.
I finished the race with a net time of 2:34:46
From there was was getting to the post race party. I needed salt very badly. I had stopped at all 20 water stations, so I was hydrated but I lost so much salt through my sweat that my fingers were swollen and I couldn’t make fists without my hands shaking. We found Paul, I drank a beer, and then we ate our lunches in the sun. Champ suggested I get a massage before we left and she went and signed me up for one. It was one of the greatest things. While walking back to the cars we stopped in the Saranac gift shop for some discounted brews but we lost Steve in the crowd.
My legs were OK but my feet had blisters so it was hard to walk. We got back to the truck and I got my bag and Paul drove Champ & I to her car. We stopped at the first rest area and ran into my brother there. I got the best chocolate milkshake and pretzels i’ve ever eaten. Champ had to run back in after and she ran into Joel.
The car ride home with her was so nice. We knew it would be the last moments we’d have together before she left. Our goodbye at my house was hard. I honestly miss her already. She kept smiling at me and told me how proud of me she was. I still love the fact she woke up ass early and drove an hour and a half and had her own crazy misadventures to see me in this race.
I got inside and my mom started to help me with my blisters. My left foot is OK but my right foot had a blister the side of a silver dollar. I took a three hour nap. Our parents went and got food for Paul & I and then my mom and I watched Life as We Know It. It was good and I didn’t have to think (like in all Katherine Heigl) movies. However, there was a scene where her character drives as fast as she can to the airport. That’s when I cried. There is a huge part of me that wants to do that tomorrow but I'm in training from 10am-2pm and her flight is at 3pm. So I’m just going to take tomorrow easy. I’m going to let myself feel everything that I feel tomorrow.
So what’s the next race? Silks & Satins 5K in Saratoga State Park in about two weeks. I have the rest of July before I make my decision but the next big race may be The Walt Disney World Half Marathon in January. I’d start training for it in August. I’m pretty settled on doing it but I just want to let myself come down from my runner’s high.
Friday, May 13, 2011
The motorcyclist’s wave
It’s the same non-verbal greeting. The head nod, the flick of a hand, seasoned saying hello to the newbie, newbie checking out how others “ride”. The specialty clothes, the road races, the packs.
The reason it’s so similar – if it was easy, everyone would do it.The secret is every can do it – it just takes work. That wave, nod, recognition is acknowledging someone's hard work.
The reward is in the freedom the ride (or run) creates. Motorcyclists have all their patch of expo’s that they’ve gone to; have war stories of breaking down in the middle of nowhere. Runners have race bibs, finisher’s medals, stories of blisters, injuries, races that they struggled through, sometimes didn’t finish.
I watched a new motorcycle rider today. I always watch female riders. Because she was wearing sneakers I shouted out AT GATT (all the gear, all the time) but I still watched. One foot was flat to the ground at stops; distance left between her and the car in front of her when stopping wasn’t enough to escape a backend crash. Then I saw her actually ride, her balance wobbled back and forth and I couldn’t help but wonder if I did that too when I would ride. I know that I’ve been off a motorcycle for two seasons, so I’m sure I would be wobbly picking up the 750 again.
I watch other runners run, usually when driving past them, sometimes when they run past me or in front of me. Sometimes I see their stride in time with my music, other times I see foot flopping, and legs that kick out to the side. I usually wonder if I kick out to the side or what my particular runner's wobble looks like.
At physical therapy the other morning my therapist watched me run. It’s still the flexibility in my left foot that is making my leg & arch tired which leads to bad form peter. I’ve got to work up my calf muscles and do lots of toe raises on the stairs to build up my calf to support the full forefront running. My right foot kicks off the way it should but my left foot tires out and doesn’t follow through it just flops & stops.
In other news, I finally beat week 6 of Couch to 10K. I’m moving onto week 7 on Saturday because my legs are really tight and I’ve got to spend some time stretching. The longer runs of an hour plus my stretching before & after and making my workouts approach 1.5 hours. While it’s worth it there are times when right after work it doesn’t fit into my schedule. I’m just not read to do the early mornings yet. I know I will eventually have to in order to get used to early race times and to beat the heat. This weekend I am going over to Parish, NY. On the way home I may stop in Utica, I may actually stay overnight there. If I do, then I am going to try and run a little bit on the boilermaker race route, or try to drive the route so I can see it all.
Also, next week is my first race. I don’t have any other goals besides put the race bib on and cross the finish line, and look like a fool. I really have all those things accomplished already. It’s a night race next week so if people want to come out after work and cheer me on that would be awesome. Ya know, signs like “zombies are chasing you” – things like that motivate me. Zombieland rule #1: CARDIO.
The reason it’s so similar – if it was easy, everyone would do it.The secret is every can do it – it just takes work. That wave, nod, recognition is acknowledging someone's hard work.
The reward is in the freedom the ride (or run) creates. Motorcyclists have all their patch of expo’s that they’ve gone to; have war stories of breaking down in the middle of nowhere. Runners have race bibs, finisher’s medals, stories of blisters, injuries, races that they struggled through, sometimes didn’t finish.
I watched a new motorcycle rider today. I always watch female riders. Because she was wearing sneakers I shouted out AT GATT (all the gear, all the time) but I still watched. One foot was flat to the ground at stops; distance left between her and the car in front of her when stopping wasn’t enough to escape a backend crash. Then I saw her actually ride, her balance wobbled back and forth and I couldn’t help but wonder if I did that too when I would ride. I know that I’ve been off a motorcycle for two seasons, so I’m sure I would be wobbly picking up the 750 again.
I watch other runners run, usually when driving past them, sometimes when they run past me or in front of me. Sometimes I see their stride in time with my music, other times I see foot flopping, and legs that kick out to the side. I usually wonder if I kick out to the side or what my particular runner's wobble looks like.
At physical therapy the other morning my therapist watched me run. It’s still the flexibility in my left foot that is making my leg & arch tired which leads to bad form peter. I’ve got to work up my calf muscles and do lots of toe raises on the stairs to build up my calf to support the full forefront running. My right foot kicks off the way it should but my left foot tires out and doesn’t follow through it just flops & stops.
In other news, I finally beat week 6 of Couch to 10K. I’m moving onto week 7 on Saturday because my legs are really tight and I’ve got to spend some time stretching. The longer runs of an hour plus my stretching before & after and making my workouts approach 1.5 hours. While it’s worth it there are times when right after work it doesn’t fit into my schedule. I’m just not read to do the early mornings yet. I know I will eventually have to in order to get used to early race times and to beat the heat. This weekend I am going over to Parish, NY. On the way home I may stop in Utica, I may actually stay overnight there. If I do, then I am going to try and run a little bit on the boilermaker race route, or try to drive the route so I can see it all.
Also, next week is my first race. I don’t have any other goals besides put the race bib on and cross the finish line, and look like a fool. I really have all those things accomplished already. It’s a night race next week so if people want to come out after work and cheer me on that would be awesome. Ya know, signs like “zombies are chasing you” – things like that motivate me. Zombieland rule #1: CARDIO.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
What do you want to do with your life?
I want to dance.
So I read this article “Let go of Fear by Stopping the Stories in your head”. The reason it means so much to me is because it’s a skill I’m in need of working on. I have a hard time letting go out in public. I imagine so many judgment’s so quickly that I am paralyzed with fear. It’s happened twice while out on the town with the little Tiny Dancer.
See, she has no problem dancing it out – (I refer to the blog post titled Everybody Dance Now by Dorothy Snarker) Now, Tiny Dancer can actually dance – like honest to goodness dance. Me, I can do a mean box step and can perform the community musical theater tradition of “movement, not dancing”. It is however that notion of dancing for joy, as a form of expression that I would love to just be able to do.
Last night while seeing Hair, at the end they encourage folks to run up on stage and join them. I looked at her and knew that she would be itching to go. I however was plagued with fear. When I think about it now I think, what was the worst thing that could happen? Trip running up those stairs – Hollie you ran up those stairs and did power lunges in those aisles just this past December. So I said to her “I know you want to get up there, so go, don’t worry about me.”
So the emotional space I’ve had to contend with the past 24 hours and the loud noises and strobe lights in the second act, well all those things combined together make me start to panic. So I had to talk to myself, close my eyes and say “You are OK, you are safe”. I dislike that I let fear over ride my life. I could see Tiny Dancer on stage along with other local musical theater friends and I very well could have gotten up there. I stopped myself.
It happened at a local coffeehouse too, where the musicians that were performing invited everyone to dance to the music. While I was working out my leg that had fallen asleep, I couldn’t help but see all these people dancing for pure joy and how I just didn’t know how to do that, that I was too afraid to do that. My friend, she understands my limitations that I am trying to work through, she is responsive to my anxiety issues. Instead of dragging me up & into something, I think she sees that I will get there in time, when I feel safe.
It’s the same fear that paralyzes my ability to succeed. I know it’s something I want, know it’s something I am capable of, something I know how to do. Yet, I am scared of the emotion. I am scared of being joyful. I am scared of that light inside that radiates when I understand what being happy is. The bright spot for me is at least I am not running away this time. Saying I can’t or don't deserve to have it all. I just need practice. I need patience. I need to keep trying.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Coast to Coast
While I am still not in the places I'd like to be with my running, I'm still dreaming of what I can accomplish. A lot of it rides on how I feel after The Boilermaker. If I feel good emotionally, and not in hospital like amounts of anguish then I'll start the training for a half marathon for my birthday, in January. See it's been a dream of mine to run the Walt Disney Half-Marathon.
In watching the websites and seeing photos from friends who've run it and downloading the training program for the half, well it's still something I aspire to. So ok, I jumped my goal of a 10K before doing a 15K and it may or may not be my most smartest (written on purpose) idea. Still, if I gave up I wouldn't know.
Reading an article today it spoke about a spiral staircase and how sometimes we trip on a step. It talked about what messages you send yourself when you trip. Most of us send a good deal of negative messages. Hell, I've sent myself seven years of negative messages about my "trip" in Indiana. If you look at it as the staircase, you tripped, you might even stumble on a few stairs. But if you wanted to reach the next floor, if you had to reach the next floor out of necessity well you'd either have to start climbing the stairs again or you'd have to go back down the stairs.
I've been giving myself some negative messages with running because it's all mental now. Well mental and the fact that my little physical therapist is beating the crap out of my legs. (all my problems are due to flat feet, weak arches, and poor ankle flexibly) So soreness & life schedule are making me make easy excuses.
Friday though, after my work conference - it's on like Donkey Kong in Saratoga State Park, around 4:30pm.
So this new dream, it's the Disney Coast to Coast. If I run the Walt Disney World Half in Florida in January of 2012 and then run the Disneyland Half in California in September of 2012 then I'll get a special finishers medal. (and I'll get to finally have an excuse to go to Disneyland)
Right now it's wishful thinking and it's not impossible, it's also not improbable. It's just the fear of commitment to make these decisions and knowing I've really got to do another full change to get where I want to be.
In watching the websites and seeing photos from friends who've run it and downloading the training program for the half, well it's still something I aspire to. So ok, I jumped my goal of a 10K before doing a 15K and it may or may not be my most smartest (written on purpose) idea. Still, if I gave up I wouldn't know.
Reading an article today it spoke about a spiral staircase and how sometimes we trip on a step. It talked about what messages you send yourself when you trip. Most of us send a good deal of negative messages. Hell, I've sent myself seven years of negative messages about my "trip" in Indiana. If you look at it as the staircase, you tripped, you might even stumble on a few stairs. But if you wanted to reach the next floor, if you had to reach the next floor out of necessity well you'd either have to start climbing the stairs again or you'd have to go back down the stairs.
I've been giving myself some negative messages with running because it's all mental now. Well mental and the fact that my little physical therapist is beating the crap out of my legs. (all my problems are due to flat feet, weak arches, and poor ankle flexibly) So soreness & life schedule are making me make easy excuses.
Friday though, after my work conference - it's on like Donkey Kong in Saratoga State Park, around 4:30pm.
So this new dream, it's the Disney Coast to Coast. If I run the Walt Disney World Half in Florida in January of 2012 and then run the Disneyland Half in California in September of 2012 then I'll get a special finishers medal. (and I'll get to finally have an excuse to go to Disneyland)
Right now it's wishful thinking and it's not impossible, it's also not improbable. It's just the fear of commitment to make these decisions and knowing I've really got to do another full change to get where I want to be.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
texts like this are amazing
This text marks the 3rd time someone has said to me that I've inspired them to try.
The text came in the middle of my early morning, with no knowledge via social media that my friend was starting the program. However, now I know so I'll keep checking in with her.
I'm convinced that if I can make it through the 9 week C25K program that anyone can. I didn't run it fast, I just ran it and by ran I still say Old Man Jogged it.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
pushing 300
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| I'm like a mountain for Laura to climb on. |
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| Pushing 300lbs |
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| I look so uncomfortable in that chair and I can't even cross my arms |
The pictures above was me pushing 300 pounds back in June of 2009. These are the only photos I have of myself during that time. I was still funny, still super smart, and still the regular Hollie that all my friends know and love. Yet I was dying inside my own body.
I read a lot while I am at work. Like almost 7,000 articles in a month. I see articles from active.com, runnersworld.com, friends who run and their blogs. Well I had watched the video on active.com about Ben and Ben Does Life. while it was great to read his blog and be inspired by his story I know that it’s easier for men to lose weight than women so I wondered if there was a blog like Ben’s written by a girl. I came across One Twenty Five. In reading through some of the archives I saw bravery in putting up pictures you otherwise might not share.
I’ve still got a lot to go. I’m still having trouble when going out to eat finding balance in my healthy options. I did great for my brother’s birthday dinner out but lunch, not so great. I hate that I still use food as an emotional comfort, punishment, or reward. It’s still pizza as my kryptonite. I’ve started to have it more than twice a month. This week, I’m having it twice in a span of less than 16 hours.
So I know I have to recommit to food. I know I also have to recommit to not drinking, which is hard because I’m social.
In other news Physical Therapy was good today, we worked on strength and she said I improved in my flexibility. I only got in 2 days out of the 4, so I know I’ve got to step it up. I also ran on Saturday and logged 2.9 miles but my legs weren’t tired. I was using the stride count method and was playing a song by Lady Southpaw on repeat to keep time like a metronome.
Last night I downloaded a bunch of music and now have a mix that starts at 160BPM and works up to 180BPM, so I think this will help me out a bunch. So now we just start Phase 2 of jumping into training and getting serious again.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Life starts today, how are you going to live it?
"Life starts today, how are you going to live it?"
It was a simple statement and question asked to me by my mentor. I picked out some music to listen to while I think about it. http://8tracks.com/worriedwarrior/april-hath-put-a-spirit-of-youth-in-everything
When you know what you want. What you really want, what drives you, gives breath to your spirit. I guess it should be this scary. If it wasn’t then it wouldn’t be worth doing. I have survived and succeeded through a very difficult life so far. All of the things that I could have imagined being terrible have crossed my path. Why not go after what I really want?
I want a city life, filled with music in the background instead of television. I want good lighting in my apartment and a comfortable chair that I can actually read in. Posters & prints in professional frames. I want an office of my own at work, with a door and a wall to hold my three diplomas. I want students, actual physical students. Young adults who will plop themselves in my office and cause me to not get my work done for the afternoon. I want to be frustrated by it, work way past dinner, and then go home to an understanding partner who reminds me that I have life outside of work. I want to be the girl with a put together outfit and comfortable dress shoes. I want Sunday mornings with walks at the farmers market, organic fresh roasted coffee, egg sandwiches, fresh cut flowers, and sunshine. I want a college campus where I can see theater productions year round, a community that has a few outlets for theater that I can get involved with; A place where local art can be described through music, theater, food, bars and book readings. I want my apartment to be in the metro arts area. I would love it if it was a historical preservation of an industrial warehouse. I want a claw foot tub and a hexagon mosaic tile floor (white with black grout), and a galley chefs kitchen with gas burners. I want my work life community to intertwine with my personal life but not destroy it. I want to give presentations, trainings, lectures. I want to share the skills and things I have learned. I want to be a soul protector for those younger people going through a rough time. I want to be tired from work because I spent the day thinking very hard, or running to several meetings, or placing signage up with loops of blue painters tape. I want there to be work days when I didn’t have time to turn on the computer. I want the excuse once a year to have radio’s and use radio lingo. I want to gain the want, skills, abilities, and responsibility of being the Director of an orientation program. I want to travel, convince my friends to meet me in an unfamiliar city for 4 days. I want to write and do something with my poetry and personal essays. I want to be a storyteller as a form of entertainment.
My mentor, she said “Now the hard work begins - you need to take action and change what you don't like!”
I don’t like my 45 minute daily commute. I don’t like the fact that I’m in a job that isn’t challenging. I don’t like not having student interaction (via distance or f2f). I don’t like shared living space. I don’t like twin beds. I don’t like that I can’t use public transportation. I don’t like that life stops at 9pm. I don’t like that I feel I have to change myself to participate in various circles of friends. I don’t like that I’m looked at as a butch woman in this area, instead of just me. I don’t like the limitations in dating here. I don’t like that participating in local arts, equals a 30 minute commute. I don’t like not having a trader joes, fresh market, whole foods, that is an easy trip to stop on the way home. I don’t like winter. I don’t like stalling on my applications. I don’t like feeling like my life and actions are dependent on others. I don’t like the doubt others can easily place in my head. I don’t like limitations.
She said “Have faith that deep down you know what you want out of life. Risk a little so you can succeed.”
I think I am ready to take a risk.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Out of commission
I was supposed to run Friday, Sunday and tomorrow. However, I am seven full days of rest from running. I also go to the sports medicine physician tomorrow so we’ll see what happens.
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| So I've got a thing for Nigella. |
On Saturday I felt the urge to run, the want to run. I was all angsty inside and wanted to get it out, running usually helps that. So it’s hard to not run. I found myself looking for things to keep myself busy. Big Bro and I went out to Barnes & Noble and I picked up a few magazines. Normally, it’s gay themed or cooking magazines. This time it was two running and one Nigella Lawson on a cover of a gay themed magazine that got my attention.
It was so strange but really cool that I felt happy and content reading these magazines. I never think of myself as a runner but it’s slowly starting to change. The fact I’m following the Boston Marathon on Twitter today too, proves I’m a bit nerdy.
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| New Shoes! |
Sunday, Big Bro & I checked out the Adirondack Summer Sport & Fitness Expo in Saratoga. He got fit for orthotics and I ended up walking around, finally testing out some Vibram 5 fingers shoes, and falling in love with a bamboo t-shirt from Hooked Productions that was not available in a large at the expo. I put on the 5 fingers and they felt weird at first, then I walked in them a bit, they felt better. They were 50% off cause it was the last day of the expo and they were trying to lighten their load. So I ended up buying my pair for 45 dollars.
While Big Bro was getting fit, the guy from The Mountain Goat was talking about anterior compartment syndrome, everything he was saying sounded like what was going on in my shin. While I still need to go to the doctor tomorrow, it was an interesting conversation. The guy said sometimes the doctors recommend cutting the sheath so the muscle has more room but he talked about how that just creates more scar tissue. Big Bro bought a tool that makes it easier to roll out pressure on various limbs and such. When I rolled it over my shin, calf & thigh it was a release of pressure & pain that felt good and painful at the same time.
So I am keeping my fingers crossed about tomorrows appointment, that maybe it’s just a bit of sports massage that is needed and nothing too serious that will take me out.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Sturm und Drang
Sturm und Drang, upon literal translation means storm and urge, but it’s most often known as storm and stress.
If you know me, you’ve seen the tattoo that resides on my right forearm. It is a mobius strip, known to many others as the infinity symbol. The idea for the tattoo came from a majority of the reading that I was doing around 2006. I was reading Parker J. Palmer’s, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2004).
It was the idea that when thinking about a life, most people think if something is missing that there is some hole that needs to be filled. A hole has an inside and an outside. If you take that same line that creates a hole and place a twist in the line so the inside & outside share the same space and are allowed to ebb and flow, or sturm und drang, the acceptance of the sturm und drang will help to bring an ease or fulfillment to one’s life.
I chose the placement of the tattoo as a reminder, that when I see the inner sadness I have at times, that it is ok to sit with it, reflect upon it and then find a way to carry on, back into enjoyment. I went back to the Center for Courage & Renewal’s website and there were quotes to remind me that
As I sit here typing I think about tomorrow. It is my longest training run and the beginning of week 6. My friend D, reminded me the other night that I still have 3 months of training ahead of me and that amazing things can happen in that time. Yet, I find my heart still wavering. My heart is wavering in what it wants right now in many ways.
What I do know is I keep finding amazing resources and amazing things to read. What I want now is just some silence to think about all these things. Silence, music, and good coffee.
Center for Courage & Renewal. (n.d.) Retrieved from http://www.couragerenewal.org/about/foundations
If you know me, you’ve seen the tattoo that resides on my right forearm. It is a mobius strip, known to many others as the infinity symbol. The idea for the tattoo came from a majority of the reading that I was doing around 2006. I was reading Parker J. Palmer’s, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2004).
It was the idea that when thinking about a life, most people think if something is missing that there is some hole that needs to be filled. A hole has an inside and an outside. If you take that same line that creates a hole and place a twist in the line so the inside & outside share the same space and are allowed to ebb and flow, or sturm und drang, the acceptance of the sturm und drang will help to bring an ease or fulfillment to one’s life.
I chose the placement of the tattoo as a reminder, that when I see the inner sadness I have at times, that it is ok to sit with it, reflect upon it and then find a way to carry on, back into enjoyment. I went back to the Center for Courage & Renewal’s website and there were quotes to remind me that
“To move towards such wholeness we must become more self-aware and accepting of our gifts and strengths as well as our shadows and limits.”Parker Palmer and The Center for Courage and Renewal are two things I find myself going back to when I need to find some sort of center, force for cognizance, or truth (little t or big T truth). The sense of solitude and strength that comes from within is at time amazing to me. One of the beliefs that I cherish from Parker Palmer is the idea of the Circle of Trust. It is an entire approach for personal & professional renewal. Mainly what I love is this:
“Everyone has an inner teacher: Every person has access to an inner source of truth, named in various wisdom traditions as identity, true self, heart, spirit or soul. The inner teacher is a source of guidance and strength that helps us find our way through life’s complexities and challenges. Circles of Trust give people a chance to listen to this source, learn from it and discover its imperatives for their work and their lives.”
As I sit here typing I think about tomorrow. It is my longest training run and the beginning of week 6. My friend D, reminded me the other night that I still have 3 months of training ahead of me and that amazing things can happen in that time. Yet, I find my heart still wavering. My heart is wavering in what it wants right now in many ways.
What I do know is I keep finding amazing resources and amazing things to read. What I want now is just some silence to think about all these things. Silence, music, and good coffee.
Center for Courage & Renewal. (n.d.) Retrieved from http://www.couragerenewal.org/about/foundations
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