Coming out of hibernation

I was planning on just taking a few weeks off, maybe even a month after my last race in December 15th. I had gotten sick on Christmas and it lasted through the new year.

January 13th & 15th I got out there and ran. The next week I followed that up too. Then I stopped. I had gotten sick again and started a new show.

Plus, I just wasn't motivated to run. (I'm still not motivated to run)

From January to February I've run a total of 14 miles. Most of those are due to using the Run, Zombies! App.

I'm on mission 6 now. While I enjoy it so much more when I can run with this outside, it does make the time pass quickly on the treadmill.

I had a friend email me and ask if I would be blogging again. It was nice to know someone liked reading my stuff. It was even nicer to have some external motivation to start up my running season in a serious manner.

Still, I would like some intrinsic motivation. I know I won't be joining USAfit this year and I'm unsure what my half marathon training will actually look like. I'm unsure of a lot of things truthfully.

I signed up for the Rabbit Ramble 4mile race at the end of this month. My official training starts next week, although I've been running 2 miles at least twice a week the past week or so.

I feel like I've put on a lot of weight lately. I don't know how much damage I've done. Running used to help me with anger but it never has really helped with the sadness. It helped keep the sadness at bay when I ran all the time but getting out of this slump, of not emotionally hurting in the downtime. That's the hard part.

It is hard to say that I don't care but that is all I want to say lately and I have to fight that. Fighting that and the pavement at the same time, well it's a challenge I have to fight through and I just want to hibernate.

And when I dream I run...

When I was a kid growing up, the SNICK show Roundhouse was like a dream come true for a budding improv actress & singer to watch. It was like all the stuff I wanted to do. I sang the theme song as my warmup (still do to this day, as superstition subscribes). There was this one song from the episode SPORTS that always stuck with me. This year, the song has echoed many moments for me.

They call me foolish one, for dreaming all the time. Races I will never run. But I wish (I wish) I could tell them how, my dreaming makes me feel. It may be true. I can't win now. They say I never will but I can dream, and when I dream I run. If I know that I can do it, it's as good as done and I know (I know), things are never hopeless as they seem, but it won't worry me, as long as i can dream. Hey look I'm running now. I'm really getting fast, I'm moving like the wind. I'm going to run my race, at last. I know that I can win. Cause I can dream and when I dream I run. If I know that I can do it it's as good as done, and I know (I know) that things are never hopeless as they seem, but it won't worry me, as long as I can dream.

 

2011-2012 mileage totals.

313.7 miles of running, 6.7 miles of walking (mostly to get my car after an evening of drinking)

How do I feel about that?

It leaves me proud but unsure.

That is what the thought of me running over 338.1 miles this running season has done to me. I often start my season in March and run all the way though December. This year I am questioning when I should pick up my training again. I say that perhaps I’ll pick it up after my birthday in January. I mean I’ve run outside in the snow before, as March is usually still snow covered grass months.  I also think about snowshoeing, especially since the Saratoga state park lets you rent snowshoes and there are trails in the park that I love, and many new ones that open up due to the blankets of snow.

However, my lacklustre attitude is stemming from the fact that I’ve been sick since almost thanksgiving. I’ve been on antibiotics since the beginning of December and I’ve been fighting a sinus and kidney infection. Most of my energy had been previously provided by sugar and caffeine. Two things that I was starting to get worried about my massive amounts of consumption.  

See, I had planned for a break, that from October to December, I would just run for fun and just have that and Laramie Project rehearsals. However, an opportunity presented itself. To stage manage and have it be a paid position. When I had said yes, only the show dates had been given to me, I thought I’d just be calling a show in order to give my friend a break, I didn’t know it was the whole things start to finish, so at the time,  it fit into my schedule and gave me a bit of time to rest still. That was until I asked about rehearsals and found out that my rest time was no longer there.

There were some days I was waking up early to run, going into work from 9-5, and then driving right to rehearsal at 6pm, from Sunday to Thursday. Then having my schedule shift from Thursday’s – Sunday’s for the show…While it worked for the actors and the directors, it didn’t really work for me, so I was swept up into a rigorous schedule maybe three weeks after my half marathon. The show, theatre, and actors were a great experience and I enjoyed my time there. It’s just that my body did not enjoy the time.

I lived off caffeine and faster food options.  Sundays & Tuesdays, I rehearsed for Laramie. It left me with the occasional Friday or Wednesday open. While I wanted to sleep, I kept having to cancel social engagements left and right with people. So I started feeling the need to schedule in relationships. Everything was pre-planned, arranged, and blocked out for weeks, everything except rest.

I thought I was getting better through my first round of antibiotics but Christmas Day came and so did a second round of sickness. I called in and took the rest of the week of using y vacation time. I tried for two days to be a trooper and then I called my parents to come and get me and take care of me. I couldn’t make decisions, couldn’t cook for myself, and couldn’t travel further than 100 feet.

So I know I’ve got to take a break. I’ve got to be OK with not running right now. I’ve got to be OK without knowing what races I want to run this next year. There are many staples to my race season and I am not sure if I’ll get to run them this coming year. So I’ve got to find new things, new races, new ways and places to run.

I’ve got miniature goals I am dreaming about, being able to fully run (not run/walk) a 10K, running the BoF again, finding a half marathon to run, seeing if I can run a 10K in 80 minutes, I’d like to do the trail running series with ARE. I like keeping track of  how many people around me start to get into running and August 2013, which is if I stay on track with just my food journaling, is the projected month for me to hit my big goal of weight loss.

So I’ve got some goals, I just can’t really think about all of them. I need to just rest.

And if you know me, that is my biggest challenge.

13 Days

You are supposed to take off one day for every mile after you run a big race. 13.1 miles = 13 days. Which is good because my doctor had said 2 weeks no running. I had a possible soft tissue injury and needed to keep impact to a minimum. So I attempted biking and some weights. I used to be so proficient biking on a recumbent machine. It's hard that I actually like mine over the fancy ones at the gym. Too bad it's permanent home is at my parents for now. (I don't have space for it, nor do I want to carry that beast up two flights of stairs)

Today Tiny Buddha hit me with three articles that struck right to the core of what I have been thinking and feeling lately.

You Will Not be the Same Person When you Achieve your Goal
How to Free Yourself from the Cycle of Social Fear
Learning to Stop Clinging to People: Know That You Are Loved

 

Those 13 days spent "resting", were more like 13 days "just not running". Work has changed. I've become bolder, more confident in my skills, more honest with my intelligence. I gave a presentation to my whole building explaining what my team does and how it's a viable profession. I got a lot of positive feedback, not only on the content but on my presentation skills. I managed to bring a committee conversation that was getting off topic back to where it needed to be by politely shutting down a very difficult faculty member. The position I've been dreaming & scheming of being created here is potentially possible and I made it very clear that my intentions were to apply for it. The media lab I manage is expanding and I am in charge of some really big items now.

All of this however has been taking it's toll on me. I'm on the verge of getting the sickness everyone else had last week. I'm "living on a latte and a prayer" (that whole song is really how I feel currently) . I'm fighting my inner demons left and right. Fighting the fear that success is something I can't handle.

All through training I knew what my priorities were. Run, eat healthy, stay hydrated. My social life struggled, my theater world put on hold, work was a necessary evil. I like that life. It is hard to admit that. Now that I have to start to bring things & friendships back into my life, it's just fucking hard.

This is my November:

This is my schedule and I haven't even put all of the rehearsals in for the show I'm stage managing and if I get into a show I'm auditioning for in November, well that somehow has to fit on the calendar too. Plus, I'm preparing to teach this January term (so it's reading the chapters and looking at the assignments in advance)

I had to run from work to a read through rehearsal last night. I had 20 minutes to get food and eat it. Like an addict to its dealer, I went right to McDonald's. I always talked to my running friends about a theater lifestyle, how different they are. Now, I'm facing trying to have all three things at the same time. My healthy life choices, success at work, and a vivid theater life. It is terrifying. Its also doing all this and trying to reach out to my core group of friends, instead of depending on just one or two people. I'm exhausted and I don't have a break until next Thursday evening.

I'll run a 5K tomorrow. Tomorrow marks the 13th day. I know it's not the smartest way to come back but it's my favorite local race. I might be even slower than usual, or I might have to walk more of it than I want but that's what happens when you are coming back into the fold. It's also Kathy's first 5K, so I'm super excited for her. It's nice to have that perspective.

As my friend told me. Deep Breath, PB & J, Letterman, repeat. I'm throwing in Chocolate Milk in there for good measure too. I guess I'm training for Life now. Boy, I thought a half marathon was tough.

32 Discordant Metronomes

Science fact; If you put metronomes together on a moveable surface, they will eventually sync up and all be at the same tempo.

When I first started to run without music, I hated it. I disliked the silence that was always surrounding me while I ran. I could hear everything. Sometimes I still run with ear buds in my ear playing a good selection of music. Sometimes I make playlists for races to keep me in the right beats/steps per minute.

As I've continued to run this season, I've gone without music more often. Mostly as a way to recognize my pace without the use of a GPS watch. I started to notice how my breathing matched my footfalls and where my arm swing landed when taking a breath. I could hear my feet slap heavily when my body would reach the point of exhaustion.

I make a slight noise when I am running at a quicker pace, or if I'm focusing on my running. I vocally push forward my exhale. My exhale and footfalls create a metronome like state. I can focus in and get completely lost but if I am running with other people or within a race, I hear their rhythm. It will throw off my pace slightly, same with if I'm friendly and say hello. It makes me nervous for the half. I don't want to spend all my gas at the beginning, matching everyone else's rhythm. It also makes me nervous for when the super fast and fast marathoner's will start to pass me. I don't want to speed up to their tempo because I am hearing it all around me. I needed something to focus me.

These past few runs I have gone back and "beat" things that were difficult to me when I started running. I "beat" the "hills" in Saratoga Springs State Park, that I often was intimidated by. Last year I made it up one little hill (because more seasoned runners would call these small hills, I call them big hills - but not BOF hills) That one hill has a short downhill and then another hill. When I ran it on Saturday I wasn't afraid of it, I was excited for the challenge and I left my intervals behind and used the time to run up the hills.

Last night I went back to the crossings. I knew I had a 30 minute easy run scheduled. I knew keeping my pace, I should be able to get two miles in. About two loops of the yellow trail. I knew I run a 15 minute mile. I wondered if I could run it, not walk/run but run the full 15 minutes. I know. I'm not supposed to do anything different, I'm not supposed to change anything. Still I have to do things to shut up my own doubts. So I ran the first loop, ran the whole thing. Then I walked the backside of the Ciccotti Center to catch my breath and continued to run.

Why was this important to me? Last year at this time of year, I couldn't run the entire yellow trail. I could only run/walk it. I would be happy when a walk interval came at the bottom of the "hills" on the yellow trail. On one of our timed 5K's with BeRunning, Mary was right at the top of those hills shouting encouraging words to me. Every time I run those little hills, I think of her right at the top. This time, I did it and was smiling the whole time, mentally high fiving Mary.

On the second time around, I was faced with faster people on the trail throwing me off, or the largest congregation of dogs with friendly owners saying hello. My brain started thinking I couldn't run the half. I knew I needed to get rid of that thought. I started in with my metronome adding the words "I.CAN.DO.THIS" I kept going. After saying it a few times, I realized how easy it would be to change can to can't during the race. So I changed it. I started chanting inside "I.WILL.DO.THIS." It started on the back part of the yellow trail, the part a little bit before the post, near the gazebo close to the bathrooms. I kept going until I finished.

It felt nice. Not to just believe I am in better shape than last year but to actually experience it. Others can say it, can tell me I am ready. I just needed Saturday's run and last night's run to prove it to myself. Thursday's run will be my last before the race, I just want that run to be pretty (if it's possible) and relaxing.

Race day will come and I will line up and I will do this.

Let Love Move You

I have been reading a lot of inspirational items lately and watching a lot of inspirational training videos. Today, there was one with 18 motivational tips - the last one was "Let Love Move You". It hit me hard and sparked me to write this post, which I will also send out as an email.

Last night with USAFit, we had a send off party, some of our team were heading off to their respective races, others are tapering. My Half Marathon is in 20 days. I have been training for 5 months. It is something that I am very proud of.

My tapering started this Saturday, running just 8 miles and following it up the next day with a 3.5 light run. This coming Saturday is Color Me Rad, which is a 5K and I am not supposed to run it full out - to avoid injury. I'll run 3-4 miles the next day to keep my conditioning. The week following that is only 5 miles. Then it's race day.

So while I am winding down, I do hope you might ramp it up. What do I mean by this? I can't tell you what spectator support does for a runner. I can liken it to theater, how when you see your friends in the first few rows and try not to break character. There is something about a friendly smile, a person with a cowbell, or crazy signs. It's just awesome.

For instance, I was totally jealous of and jealous that I wasn't there for the "Joel Patrol". My friend and via distance coach Joel ran his first IronMan. His team, friends, and family were out there supporting him. Rachel wrote a post about the IronMan and it shows pictures of the Joel Patrol and some great signage for cheering on runners.

What can you do to support me on race day? You can do a couple of things. The largest thing you could do is volunteer - it takes a lot of backstage players to put on a large race. Packet pick ups, aid stations, directing people where to park, etc. Please think about volunteering if you have the time.

Secondly, you can come out and see the race. It's Sunday October 7th, starting at 8:30am. I run approximately 15 minute miles. So that can help you gauge when you'd need to be at a spot. Example, you want to cheer me on at mile 5 at the Maplewood School (32 Cohoes road Watervliet) then you should get there by 9:30 and hang out until 10:30 to cheer me on. You want to see me just over the half-way point at mile 7, then get to the Price Chopper Plaza at 1804 Second Ave,Watervliet between 9:45-10:45.

Holding signs, curing my fever with a little more cowbell, having small 8-10oz bottles of gatorade fruit punch, high fives, and lots of shouting my name are all awesome things you can do.

Being at either of those viewing stations, gives you enough time to travel down to the finish line . Or if you want, just go right to the finish line at the River Front park at the Corning Preserve. Be there between 11-11:45am and you'll get to see me be the proudest emotional wreck you'll ever see. For a map of the race route check out the Hudson Mohawk race page or look at their spectators guide, just remember I'm running the HALF marathon, cause I'm only HALF crazy, the spectators guide gives you notes on the whole marathon & half route.

Why do I want you there? Because I love you and I want you to see me happy, proud and accomplish something that is personally challenging. I want you to know what I sacrificed our Friday nights together for. I want you to experience my joy when I finish. I want you there with a hug. I want your love to move me further and faster than I've ever raced before.

What's in my pantry?

This weekend I face ten miles again. Jenika was there the last time, asking me what's in my pantry in order to get my panic attack to slow down. But tomorrow I will have ten miles of asking myself what's in my pantry? My pantry.

Canned Goods
Pasta and Rice
Miscellaneous
Beans
Baking Needs
Spices & Seasonings
Paper & Plastic

My pantry has it's staples, it's non perishable items. Heart and courage, canned and ready for long term storage. Humor and common sense, stiff when stored but flexible under hot water. Love and joy, sometimes mushy when left to sit for a long time. Friends and team support, when I need a plan and help to rise. Affirmations, when I need to pepper my journey and a wall of race bibs to show me what I have done.

Joel told me before to "get the fuck over" the fact I ran ten miles. I'm still astonished by it. It's not a "how did I do that", or an "I can't believe I did that", anymore. It's a I ran ten fucking miles. 

My pantry holds everything I have been storing up since March. In 30 days, I will test how well I have prepared. I have ten miles this weekend, next weekend I will face twelve, then I will taper with eight, then five.

The twelve, is the last time I'll get to run with my group. I have Color Me Rad on the weekend of eight miles, and then I have a commitment the next weekend as well. When talking to Jenika I said it as "it's just five miles and I can take that on my own."

Joel told me there would be a day when that would happen.

I face my ten miles with my group but on my own. I get to prove to myself that this all isn't a dream.

Know that where there’s fear, there’s power

It's funny because on the drive into work I was thinking about fear. Thinking about how I am not afraid to die, I had to make peace with that when it was very unknown. My fear is that getting better is improbable, note I did not say impossible.

Then when I got into work there was an article about fear in my news feed. The article "A Simple Process to Turn Fear into Power" by Leanne Kallal over at Tiny Buddha, was a welcomed read this afternoon.

On November 3, 2008 I had written the following in my LiveJournal:

I am terrified and using humor a bit too much to make light of the situation. I had a few doctors appointments on Friday. I was just expecting simple things and maybe some tests for my back. But my eye doctor noticed that I had some swelling in my optic nerve of both eyes.Thursday at 2pm I have an MRI to rule out a brain tumor. I am getting pretty low because I am beating myself up over my weight. but i am also scared because I won't know if it's a brain tumor or not until later in the week. In the mean time I am in a lot of pain with my head and my back. I'm still at work and still trying to keep myself moving and doing things with people. but i'm scared. I know things will be fine in the end but it's this journey i am scared of and just may need a little support through it.

Look at those first words. "I am terrified".  Until January of 2010, I was in a doctor's office at least twice a week. I was taking upwards of 12 pills each morning. I was fearful of everything. I didn't know if I could survive through a night of karaoke with friends because it was so loud and I didn't know if I could act and sing because it might be too loud in my head and hurt, I didn't know how to answer friends when they asked if I was going to die. I was closing myself off from people, I was stressed out from work, I became sick of being sick. It's taken a lot of patience to be OK with having this disorder that causes me chronic pain. I don't talk about it much with people and often I can block it out on a daily basis, I've just gotten used to the pain. I've been stoic or humorous more often than honest.

After my last few long runs, where I was running over 2 hours or pushing myself up a giant hill, I could feel pain. There are many things that can cause the pain to be more noticeable. The change of the seasons, change in barometric pressure, stress, or just the disorder itself. I noticed it before the Bridge of Flowers run and quickly made a comment to my counterparts of what I was allergic to, just in case.

I forget that others haven't had four years to process this. When I explain what occurs for me on a daily basis and what things can potentially happen (due to them occurring in the past) it can be terrifying. Often, I am treated as a sick person. I no longer am Hollie, I am a liability or a burden to bare. I made the choice to be honest with my coaches. A lot of things happened afterward, some good and some bad but most based out of fear. Fear for my safety, fear for the liability of the program, fear that this was another thing that had to be handled.

I get it, I honestly do. I am very casual about the extremes I can go through because I went through my stages of grief after being diagnosed. I cried, got angry, and felt let down. As I learned more about my disorder and how to listen to my body, I was able to go off a lot of medicine and manage most of the pain through quitting my stressful job and taking nine months to rest (thanks car accident, I'll always be thankful for that) - but I didn't get to explain that, that I am a lot better than I was. Once again my perception became that, I was a sick person, no longer Hollie, a liability and a burden to bare.

It hurt me. I know that wasn't the intent. Believe me, I know it. Safety was the intent. Doing the right thing was the intent. So I took time off from work and scheduled doctors appointments. I was fearful of what they would say. I was fearful that they would tell me that I can't, couldn't, or shouldn't run. But they heard me, they heard me tell them everything I was doing to make sure I was being healthy. I was already doing everything they would have prescribed.

So now, I just have to wait. I have to hand in my doctors notes and wait. Is there fear associated with that? Yes, there is a lot of fear associated with that. I had made statements over the weekend, things like "I feel like my friends have been taken away from me in one fell swoop", "I feel like all my hard work is just being thrown out the window", "I feel like this is just something I can't talk honestly about", "I feel like someone else is making the decision that I can't run". Do I still have all those fears? Yes. Yes I do.

All that fear, it pushed me. To take action and responsibility for myself. To get all the information requested as quickly as possible. To handle things differently. That fear was with me when I attempted my 9 miles on Monday.  It's what drove me to prove I could do it on my own, that as long as a doctor said I wasn't hurting that myself, that irregardless of the decision from my running group - I could still make it to my half marathon, team or no team.

On my own?

No, I'm not talking  Les Misérables, nor am I talking about the Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald song. I am talking about something else. 

This weekend I had some things come up that caused me to make different choices. This time I chose time with friends over running. I had a really bad day on Friday. I felt let down, irate, and abandoned. Things that are not so great for someone who's survived abuse, anger management issues, and abandonment issues. 

I took my time that I needed, went to the batting cages and got out some of my anger.  But because I took care of myself, because I did the right thing, now I'm forced to look at some hard truths. 

I missed a 9 mile run. I need to make up those 9 miles. I need to make up those 9 miles on my own.

The thing that is hard about the run I am facing tonight is, that there is no one waiting for me to finish. It feels like going out for a hike in the woods without telling anyone what mountain you are hiking. For reasons lately, that's a little out of my comfort zone. 

I've been appreciative that each weekend I have had a spot for a finish line where these new friends are waiting for me. I have a great coach who runs with me almost every weekend, but she won't be running the half with me. I will be running that on my own. The group, well they'd send out a search party if I didn't make it in. For reasons lately, that has been a sense of comfort for me.

However tonight, I will run on my own. It sounds dramatic, I know. At the same time, it feels dramatic. I know the path I will take. I know I'll keep my runkeeper live! on (http://runkeeper.com/user/hollie.miller)

I will have my phone on me and there are constant park patrols out. It just feels like my sense of safety has been taken away.  I know it's not true and I know I'm really not going into details, so I don't make much sense.

It's funny because I used to run on my own and scoff at group running. Now look at me, terrified to go for a run on my own. It's not the running part that's frightening, it's the distance. But i've got my plan. I've stayed well hydrated all weekend, I'm taking in a fair amount of salt today, for the run itself I've got 96oz of nuun, 40oz of water, a bag of some salt, and a gu packet. I've got my recovery beverage plan too.

Now, this post isn't to solicit partners in crime for my run tonight. It's to get some things off my chest, for myself, not for anyone else. That's why I'm running - for myself, not for anyone else. So tonight, there is no can't being said, there are only my have to's and want to's.

Everybody's got a darkside

Saturday morning was my regularly scheduled group run with USAFit Albany. It was a 10 mile run that was scheduled. I had only run up to 9.3 miles before and that was the Boilermaker and I walked through so much of that race. I had been talking to Joel asking him about what he does for nutrition on his long runs and he mentioned he was more concerned with my hydration over food intake. He asked if I knew what my sweat rate was and if I was a salty sweater. I said I didn't know what my rate was but I knew that salt crusts on my face during a run. He suggested I do a sweat rate test and keep track of my data.

Thursday I was supposed to run a tempo run so I figured I could do a sweat test on that run. I was only drinking water, not nuun. I weighed myself, ran for an hour, then weighed myself again and measured how many ounces of water I had drank.

Starting weight: 247.4
Finish weight: 234.4
Difference of: 13lbs
13lbs = 208oz
Ounces drank: 14oz
total of 222oz

It seemed crazy. Loosing 13 pounds from sweating. I mean I know it's plausible but it still seems insane. Joel and I emailed back and forth about the data and he sent me back some stats.

So, 222oz lost. that accounts for 5.7% of your weight. A max of 3% weight loss is considered safe. So over the course of the half marathon, you need to maintain no more than 3% loss. So for an hour of running, you'll need to take in about 120 oz of water/electrolytes per hour. that's a lot, i agree. but that's what the math is telling us.

We agreed that I'd do the sweat rate test again because I felt there were too many inconsistent variables.  So we agreed on at least doubling the amount of hydration I do in an hour. Originally, I would carry my 20oz bottle and I'd be finished with that in an hour. So I was supposed to drink 40oz an hour. Which means I'd need to carry a second bottle, use a fuel belt, or a hydration pack. Joel was coming up to the area so he brought a fuel belt and a hydration pack for me to try out.

I settled in on the 60oz hydration pack.

On Thursday's run, my legs were cramped, I didn't feel strong, I was trapped thinking about some of my physical health concerns.

So Saturday's run was scaring the shit out of me.

I arrived at our start location and I could feel the angst and dread in me. I was publicly cranky and moody. Every fucking negative thought was winning that morning.

We started out running and the first thing I had to tackle was a hill. It was a cooler morning but it was still damp, which makes my lungs hurt more. I had my inhaler with me, I knew if I needed to use it I could. I just started hearing CAN'T. I prepared longer and better hydration and nutrition wise for The Boilermaker and this run was longer than that. I was trying new things, new foods, new flavors, using the hydration pack. I was trying to fight it all and I was getting discouraged and slower and then I just kept shaking my head - very ready to give up. Jenika kept looking back and checking on me, asking me what was going on. I can't even describe it. I know it was a panic attack. I know she was trying her best to get me to think about different things. I wanted the negative to win very badly. I wanted to stop.

After Jenika got me to slow my breathing down, she started asking what I did the other day, which I replied that I went grocery shopping. So she asked me what I got. Pantry items, I replied. So, what's in your pantry? she asked. I mean I knew what she was doing, it's the same way I get rid of people's hiccups by getting them to focus on something else. Little by little I battled up the hills, we started to throw out small personal conversations, and eventually we were at three miles. Every walk interval I was sipping out of the hydration pack and every run interval I was running. I didn't skip any (on purpose). In the Boilermaker I walked most of mile seven to mile nine. When I've been out on my own, I've let exhaustion win and I've walked additional run intervals. By mile 4.5 Jenika commented on my salt buildup on my face and I knew that when we were back in the Crossings, that if we stopped near the yellow trail bathrooms, I could eat a salt packet that I had in my bag and an almond nugget.

We continued on and went past Lisa at the water stop, who was shouting out great positive things. I had checked my hydration bladder when we stopped before and I thought I had enough. We were on mile 7.5, I thought I had enough in there. However at mile eight I tapped the bag. Was I worried? Yes and no. It was only two more miles, I thought about how I don't take water in a 5K so I should be fine. Yet, I was exhausted, depleted, and at the end of my run.

My watch didn't say 10 miles, Jenika's did but she heard me saying how I needed it on my watch, to know I could. So we kept going. My watch ended up saying we ran 9.6 miles, hers said we did 10.8. Jenika's watch has had better accuracy consistently, so I conceded and stopped.

Coach Jennie's parents made us some pancakes (from the batter blaster can's and they were great!) and I had chocolate milk, a salt packet, 20oz of Gatorade, and an almond nugget. I was exhausted and got in the car. My stomach didn't really want food but I knew I needed to put food in it. I was nauseous, and I was starting to get a head ache. When I googled later, headaches caused by salt depletion I certainly scared myself even more. Loosing that much salt puts me at a greater chance for a seizure. Seeing as my headache syndrome also has me at good odds for seizures, it's not a good game of chance. One thing I can control, the other I cannot.

Joel and I talked Sunday morning about what I was experiencing. So I have to increase the amount I drink on the run, by like a lot. I need at least 40oz each hour but honestly, probably more than that.  Our math from earlier says I need 120oz each hour. That's two full hydration packs! So it's crazy to me and scary. Also he wants me to increase my calorie intake during the run to 400 calories. And now I have a run recovery plan. A large V8, 20oz sports drink, 20oz water, and then some form of protein/carb (normally I do chocolate milk but that and V8 don't sound so great together) All of this needs to be consumed within 30 minutes of the end of my run. Then throughout the rest of the day, I need to be taking down a gallon of water baby sip by baby sip.

Knowing all of that and experiencing my second headache after a hard run just made me scared. I have been so happy lately, so it just feels like I'm trying to find ways to negate that happy. Being sick and being worried about getting sick, who sees it, who doesn't - it's just so hard for me. It's hard to say it out loud because it feels like you are loosing control and letting a disorder win.

But I am going to try. I made a promise to try. To let people know more about what happens when I have an attack. What to tell an EMT, where to tell an ambulance to go, having my emergency medical information on me.

It's just so hard. I am excited and proud that I ran 10.8 miles. I want to hold onto that happy. But it makes it that I am walking a fine line, dancing around diminishing odds. Something that makes me feel so strong also makes me feel so weak. Happy and terrified. Mentally, I am unsure of how to battle that.

Give me fuel, give me fire.

What is my least favorite aspect of running? Nutrition. It's because it's so individualistic. No one thing works for everyone. Also, since I'm a heavier runner, I have different needs than the average runner.

The typical statement on calories burnt during running is that running one mile burns about 100 calories. However, it's based more on your own body weight. Net calories burnt while running is .63 x your weight in pounds (walking it's .30 x your lbs) So for me, I burn approximately 155 calories per mile. We've been doing some long runs lately, which leads to some large calorie burns. While, yes there are times it feels like "yeah, I can eat anything!" I know that isn't really the case.

Now, let's think about what my running schedule looks like. Saturday morning for these longer runs I will run starting at 6am. I try to have a bagel with almond butter before I leave the house, 30 minutes before I run. A Thomas' Honey Wheat Bagel is 250 calories. Justin's Maple Almond Butter is 90 calories. So that's 340 calories for my traditional pre-race breakfast. I will burn that off in 2.15 miles. If I'm running a 5K that's perfectly fine, it just keeps me on track and it let me have a very delicious bagel that morning. It's when I'm running longer than 3 miles that I have to contend with now.

So it's around every 45 minutes or 3.5/4 miles I need to have something small to give my body something to work with or replace the stuff I've sweat out. Larger runners sweat a great deal, so we are loosing a large amount of salt. I can't tell you how gritty my face is after a long run from all the salt evaporation on my face.

Nuun - Tri Berry Flavor

 I drink Nuun instead of water or Gatorade. It's not as sweet as Gatorade and it has less sugar but it has electrolytes that water does not. The only downfall is the Nuun comes in compressed tablets, when you drop it into water a certain amount of effervescence occurs. The effervescence along with the more air you intake when running hard (a.k.a. too fast too quickly) then the more belching occurs. It's not pretty.

I've been trying out all sorts of items on my long runs to help refuel and maintain. During the Boilermaker I used a Mocha Clif Shot and a Honey Stinger Shot. I should have tried the Honey Stinger first because it was too sweet. I've used the Cherry Lime Gu before and I like that too but if I take in too much gel at one time, I have a bit of a gaging reaction.

From stalking Rachel (a member of  The Brooklyn Boilermaker Team Hardcore) on Facebook, I saw the use of small salted potatoes. This had me intrigued, real food instead of synthetic gels, gummies or sport beans? The hard part is everyone's stomach is different and reacts different when you are running. I emailed her about them and she shared the preparation method. I'm going to try them out either this weekend or next weekend.

There are lots of other things to consider about nutrition too. We've been looking at recovery items and fueling options at group runs with USAFit. Uncrustables, "crack" otherwise known as peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets, chocolate milk, and cherry juice. I had tried the cherry juice (it's good for inflammation) after the 7 mile run and honestly, I felt better. So I figured this required more investigation. I walked across the street from work to the natural food store and looked around.

For Earth's Sake - Energy Nuggets

I found the cherry juice and then decided to look around because I had never been in there.  Then I saw these items listed as Vanilla Almond Energy Nuggets, and Carob Energy Nuggets. I talked to the sales women and we chatted about what I was looking for, which was different real food fueling options I could carry. She let me try samples of both items and I picked up a bag of the Vanilla Almond Nuggets.

I figured I'll give just about anything a good old fashioned try during these longer runs. If anything the nuggets were good little snacks that offered a slight sugary finish and a lot of nut power.

Still, there are lots of things to think about. Salt tablets and are those the answer to use along with plain water? Will real food be OK in my stomach while running? What will be the easiest thing to pack in my little pouch and access during these long runs and races? It's all a system that I just don't have figured out yet.

Theory into Practice

Through out all of my education I have been slapped in the face by Theory. Literary theory, film theory, student development theory, adult learning theory, distance education theory. I find a form of solace in it now. Citing Lacan and Derrida in conversations about independent films I've seen, or are on my list; speaking about the Chick-fil-a news by citing diversity training and then talking about Cass's theory of diverse sexuality or how adults need to build their education on their practical experience.

So I wondered if there was a theory of the stages of becoming a runner. I was pleasantly surprised when I came across The Five Stages of a Runner from Galloway’s Book on Running, ©2002 by Jeff Galloway. Shelter Publications, Inc., Bolinas, Calif. Distributed in bookstores by Publishers Group West

 This paragraph in the "beginner" section struck me hard:

"Your running may also be threatening to your less active friends. Eventually you — the beginner — and your non-running friends work it out. The transition period, however, can be unstable and uncomfortable for both. If you falter, the old world — comfortable in many ways — is waiting for you to slip back in. If you’re lucky enough to make new friends who share similar fitness goals, you’ll probably find refuge in the “fit” world while you gain your “running security.”

This is something I am struggling with more than any of the physical challenges of running. When I'm making plans with non running friends, I'm making statements of "Monday's I can hang out after my evening run", "Wednesday's are off the table because of speed work", "Friday's I have to be home early", and many weekends are filled with the words "I have a race that weekend". 

I know that there will be friends who will hear all of this and still work with me to schedule some shenanigans. The hard part is knowing I can't do everything that I want to. I need to do speed work tonight, I want to see my friends for karaoke. I have planned on going to karaoke late but I know in the back of my head it's all based on how I feel after speed work. It's hard for me to stay out late, because I know Thursday morning I am in the gym doing strength training.

In the second stage "the jogger" these items jumped out at me:

"At first you probably needed a group or at least another person for motivation and direction. As a jogger you are a bit more independent. You’ll prefer company to running alone, but you’ll pick and choose your group with care. Most beginners seek anonymity within a group while joggers often enjoy identification with a group."

"As a beginner you may have attended a few fun runs or an occasional race. Joggers, however, mark the local 10Ks on their calendars. These are motivational stepping stones to keep the daily runs on track. There will often be one major race in the jogger’s schedule, like the Bay to Breakers, Peachtree Road Race or the Corporate Challenge. Although you’re not running competitively or for time improvement, a sense of competition may begin to develop. By piecing together a growing series of successful and non-threatening running experiences, you begin the transition into a more fit lifestyle."

My running family is growing and supporting me in many ways. Seeing running friends come to my show, knowing that several of them will listen to my dating woes, well... I look forward to seeing them week in and week out. I know they'll comment on my Facebook run-keeper updates, I know if I need to find a partner in crime to run with, that there will be several options. I value their new friendships.

This entire experience is changing who I am. Well, not so much who I am but it's allowing me to be the person I want to be. I want to be healthier. For me that means not drinking that often, eating out less or just having small plates. It also means that I am working hard physically and mentally, so when I've got a free calendar date, I'm excited to pile on ice packs and watch a movie in my apartment.

Yet in my head, the old Girl Scout camp song is in a constant round. "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." I'm having trouble holding onto every thing that is important and special to me. It hurts and there is a lot of grief and loss involved. I know my fitness and health is worth it. I know I am worth it. I just don't know how to navigate this, so I turn to writing about it. Because maybe someone else has gone through this too.

My running family

Purdue BGR takes on Ragnar

I have been lucky to be introduced to several amazing people and to have had many amazing students who inspired me. In 2009, some of my former students from when I worked at Purdue University tagged me in a photo at the Seattle Fish Market. They were running a Ragnar relay race. Their team was pirate themed and all the photos in the album on Facebook reminded me why I missed those guys. I looked into the Ragnar, to see what it was and day dreamed of having the ability to run a relay with them.

Mary Beth being all hardcore

I had been working out with a personal trainer and getting stronger and healthier. I had found the Warrior Dash at Windham because it was the closest thing to the Ragnar I could find locally and I was ready to sign up for it. Then,  I was side tracked when I broke my collar bone. I couldn't weight lift and I needed to do something, so I started walking. I watched my brother go run and complete the race that I so badly wanted to run. While talking to Mary Beth, another former student (this time from University of South Florida) she said to me, that if I could walk 3.2 miles in an hour, I could definitely run 3.2 miles. She convinced me to sign up for a race and let people know about it.

Rule#1 - Cardio

So, I signed up for the Troy Turkey Trot 5K and I told lots of people. It was during my training for this that I talked to Joel about running for the first time. I got some pointers & encouragement. He told me his brother Ed was running the race and eventually we had our own little team, based on my philosophy that my training was purely for the fact that if chased by zombies, I wanted a fighting chance. I had caught the racing bug after that and ran in several more races, including my first Boilermaker.

Kerry being all hardcore!

Ed convinced me to check out group running and to look at this group called BeRunning. I was skeptic of running in a group, because I'm hella slow. But I was teamed up with a mentor - Kerry, who still this day amazes me with the things she has planned. Seeing her sign up for next years IronMan Lake Placid is like the coolest thing ever and knowing she'll rock the NYC marathon is just as cool to me too!

Joel & Ed at the Boilermaker post party

I also met Jenika during my time with BeRunning and Jenika introduced me to USAFit and with both Ed & Jenkia assuring I could complete a half marathon, I jumped in. I thought it was crazy, and it is crazy but that's how I got into my first Boilermaker and this year, I completed my second Boilermaker. I desperately wanted to get a picture of all my running mentors together at the Boilermaker, because they were all there! But I did manage to get a photo with Joel & Ed at the end of the Boilermaker this year.

I love that orange hat & the lady underneath.

It's been a few weeks since the Boilermaker, I was side tracked with a sinus infection, very sore knees, and the opening of my summer production. I've taken some time away from running and noticed it was affecting my mood and I wanted to run but I knew that my body was saying rest. A few text messages checking in on me from Jenika, along with several really great new running friends from USAFit,  kept me positive and have meant the world. I asked for buddies this week to run with to make sure I got out for my miles, and had people immediately respond.

Jenika and I met up last night at SUNY Albany. Albany Running Exchange was on the track doing their speed work and she and I went out for a run. She asked how much I wanted to do and told me to set the pace. I said I wanted to at least get 40 minutes in and try for 3 miles. Not only was it good to go out and do something physically, it was really good talking with Jenika. See, the thing that they don't tell you when you start group running, is that the people you run with week in and week out become your confidants. When you are running (without headphones) you start to get to know those people, they understand when you have good or bad runs. They understand when life gets too rough and allow you space but will check in to get you back on track. They remind you that you can when everything else is telling you that you can't.

While we ran last night, Jenika told me about Trail Running Camp and how she got some coaching on running hills from some other seasoned runners. It's really neat to see your mentors talk about when they need advice or help on running, and how grateful they are when they get that feedback. It's funny because I am sure that my students from Purdue, Mary Beth, Joel, Ed, Kerry, and Jenika do not realize how much "this littler runner who could" looks up to them and takes to heart the advice & inspiration that they give me. 

So thanks guys. I've got big dreams and big shoes to fill.

stage fright

The last time I posted was back in May. I've been running regularly for about 3 months now. I've got a training schedule for my half marathon in October that I've been following. I run 3 times a week and now I throw in strength training 2-3 times a week as well. Technically, I know I can complete 6 miles. In truth, I know I can finish 9.3 miles. I finished The Boilermaker last year, so why am I so terrified of it this year?

This year I'm better conditioned. At last nights speed work I actually ran an entire mile around a track without run/walking and I felt like I could keep going. I used to run all the time instead of run/walk, so I hadn't been used to how long I could run without stopping. I know the Boilermaker race route, I know that at mile four and seven I will be exhausted. I know that is when I should take in either a gel or a little clif bar. I know that I'll use Nuun in my water bottle and that i'll take the time to refill the bottle during the race. I know I am walking up the golf course hill. I know I can take on the "rolling, little hills" in the first mile. I know these things. Well, at least right now I do.

The mental aspect of running, that has been my challenge. In my head while out on distance runs I have used the word "can't, give up, stop". I battle it with, "can, do this, and you have to get back to the car anyway". I have always had a visual focus point when I dig down deep. Any girl who played volleyball with me in high school can attest to the stare I would give just prior to my serve.

If there is a person in front of me in the race then often I try to attach on to them. Other runners call this becoming a magnet and that the other runner will pull them forward, decreasing the space between you two. In every big race I have ever ran, I have had a visual focus point. I have placed someone at the finish that I hoped would be so proud of me. Truthfully, I have placed someone at the finish that I hoped would love me.

Last year's Boilermaker was a huge emotional journey. I ran to the finish, and there at the finish line was the woman I loved. We drove home together. Then we said our goodbye's and she moved across the country. She was my race support. Currently I'm plagued with the idea of race support, of having to drive myself home after the Boilermaker, which is OK. I know I am running this race (well, any race really) for myself. Still, it is so nice to have someone there so see your success and be so proud of you. 

My therapist has challenged me to run toward a pool of light, a source of energy. Em tells me to run to myself. I tell running friends that I'm running towards my celebrity crush. (Hannah Hart of My Drunk Kitchen) But my mental energy goes everywhere during a long race. I might have music, I might not. That is something I am still trying to figure out. I think of a few people while I run, but it's fleeting, because it needs to be.

I am going to try and just focus on a nice mantra that goes with the rhythm of my foot falls and the sound of my breath pattern. Try to focus on some warm light (come into the light Carolann) It all sounds silly but I have had little moments where I feel defeated lately and they are creeping in like stage fright. I hope like stage fright that it goes away once places are called.

Calculation

There are still days when I lace up my shoes and think that I am absolutely crazy. That I'm running a 15K (9.3miles) in maybe a month or so. That I'm running a half marathon (13.1 miles) in about 5 months. When I get up early in the morning on Saturday's, I think - what in the hell is wrong with you Hollie.

I signed up for a second running group as I wasn't getting my Saturday long runs in. So this way I am accountable and I get to make more running friends. Because let's face it, only other runners will look at you with mild crazy eye when you suggest that you "hang out" by going for a run and then maybe a beer or breakfast afterwards.

The past two Saturday's I've gotten my mileage in, which is great. I've also had good conversation, which makes the early hours also worth it. So I know it's important to get my weekday runs in, so that Saturday run doesn't feel like it's hell. Now that I have a summer show and more evening events are piling up, I might have to switch to running in the mornings.

I ran this morning and found myself running so slow. I felt bad during my run about it but I know that it's ok. it's part of the training. When I looked at one of the tools that was in my new group's blog I figured I'd try it out.

Looking at this calculator, I've been running a bit faster than I should be running during all of my runs. So I'm ok with the 16 minute pace (while running not walking) I had today, compared to the 13:30min pace I've been working at.

This tells me I can complete the boilermaker in 2:26:28. Last year I did it in 2:34:46 - that's shaving 8 minutes off. That seems like a lot but I'm going to make it my goal time, with the ultimate goal being just finishing. This also tells me I can finish a half marathon in 3:30. Running for over three hours seems insane, still last year i thought running over two hours was insane.

So I'm trusting in the schedule. I'm trusting in my body breaking down and rebuilding.I'm trusting that I can be a bit slower if I need to be on my recovery runs.

A new season starts

A new season of running starts. With it comes new dilemmas. I now know what it is like to run The Boilermaker. I now know what it is like to injure yourself. I now know that foam rolling & stretching isn't a joke. I now know I can do it, so with that knowledge comes procrastination.

I signed up for a second season with BeRunning and while the beginning months of my membership were ones where it was too cold for my asthma, or my leg hurt too much, or the flu took me out. Going to last nights group session was still scary. We have a little community on Facebook and I try to post when I am running there so I can be more accountable, so I have others who will lovingly yell at me if I don't make it to a run.

I knew I needed to start training in March to make The Boilermaker a possibility. I pulled into the parking lot and saw my mentor out putting flags up to mark the trail we were using that evening. Then Ed pulled in and we started talking about running, about how we all took off more time than we wanted in between running. About what type of interval to start running at. For my last race in December I was running 2 minutes and walking 45 seconds. I didn't know if it would be too much or not. Ed, then sprang it on me. Why don't you run the Hudson Half after The Boilermaker. He and Kate are training for it. I think Joel & Mark are running it. Lots of area running friends are running it. I might be able to run it in 3.30 or 4 hours but after training the spring, summer & fall, I might be able to run it in the 3.30 zone. So my interest is peaked but I have to make the decision soon & register if I want to. Curse you Ed, for getting grand ideas in my head.

We started up, did our introductions and our stretches. It was a speed workout. Not the best for me to be picking my running back up again but I needed the group mentality to make a start of it all. As I started out with Kerry, I remembered everything I learned last season. Loosen my shoulders, good posture, exaggerated baby steps. We were basically walking one flag and running two. (other runners do a run faster than average pace, then during their recovery [where i walk] they just run at their regular pace)

Like usual, I started out faster than we needed to be. We decided on a 14 min pace for the speed work. Kerry has a gps watch that i am jealous of because it lets us know our pace. When she had to break off from me to talk to a fellow participant, I was on my own for trying to figure out my pace. Usually it's the rhythm of my breathing matched with my foot strike. However, I was going a bit too fast. I made it around the trail 3 times in 43 minutes, which is good for me.[note to self: get one of those fancy watches] It felt OK running. Felt like it was semi normal. I'll run this week on Friday instead of Saturday because St. Patrick's Day has me everywhere.

Today I'm reaping the benefits of running. A co-worker said to me, you're awfully smiley today. I replied back, yeah that I ran last night, that my season was starting. That it's one month of living on my own, that I'm taking care & protecting myself from things and people that hurt me, and that I'm running. It's a lot of things to be smiley about.

It's nice to have a bit of pep in my step.

heatwraps & snacks

Right now I've got a Thermacare heat wrap on my shin. It's just starting it's warming feature. It's cause I am attempting heat. Last night after my group run I iced my whole shin. It's annoying because I am in a good amount of pain after I run. However, when I run it doesn't hurt until I slow down or walk. Also, my foot has gone numb in the past two runs and my ankle seizes and makes my foot slap into the pavement.

Did I mention that the bruise/bump that I had concerns about way back when I started running last year has increased by two inches?

So let's review. Raised bump & bruise on mid shin. Pins & Needles that run from my big toe to the bottom of my butt. Throbbing on the top of the foot near a raised vein. Throbbing in shin coincides with throbbing on shin. All of this is occurring only on one leg. My left leg. Running about 1.4 miles is what agitates it. 30 minutes later the pain goes away. There is a dead leg throb that remains but it is nothing like the pain while running.

My podiatrist adjusted my insert to stop the front of my foot from pronating. Then he referred me to a vascular specialist. He wants to rule out a vein & circulation issue before moving on to testing for compartment syndrome. Both items have their scary aspects.

Vascular - it could be Deep Vein Thrombosis which my vein could clog and the blood clot could go to my lungs or brain and I die. Yes, it's dramatic and the worst case scenario. Best case is it is just the vein and I have surgery to burn & kill the vein and reroute to other veins. It might help the pins & needles and it might even help my headaches. Still, there is surgery involved. Well surgery & blood thinners, which will make me kiss alcohol goodbye.

Compartment Syndrome - muscles have these sheaths around them that expand & contract along with the muscle. Sometimes when you become very muscular the sheath does not stretch with the muscle, instead it contracts on the muscle and can pinch off veins & nerves. The pain is often misdiagnosed as shin splints. Shin splint pain stays for two to three weeks and does not get better when you stop the activity. For compartment syndrome they stick your muscle with a  pressure measurement tool, patch you up with a sterile dressing, and then ask you to perform the activity that irritates the muscle. Then they measure you 1 minute after stopping and 5 minutes after stopping. If the pressure is abnormal, then they perform surgery. What do they do? Oh, they cut the sheath that surrounds your muscle and if needed place a skin graph on your leg.

Still, my podiatrist is letting me run. Telling me, if it hurts than stop. I went out too fast with a different mentor the other night and I think that kicked my leg a bit too much. Today at work it's been dead & throbbing. Hence the heat wrap. And while I know yoga would be a good thing to help stretch it...i'm just not motivated today.

The health things that have been kicking my ass the past 3 weeks and the fact I've put on 13 pounds...well it sucks the life out of me. Honestly, I think I prefer running on my own. I prefer music. I prefer changing my schedule around. I prefer it to be a want to not a have to.

I'm running the Great Pumpkin 5K this weekend. Last year it was (technically) the first 5K I ever ran. So it's the first race that I know the whole route to already. After that, Nov 6th is my 10K. My last race of the season will be the Troy Turkey Trot (if my friend tells me she registered). In my head I know I ran the boilermaker off of 7 weeks of training and had to rest the two weeks prior to the race. I know I can do the distance, I just want it to be fun again. I want to end my season on some high notes.

half way & half assed

Last week in my running group we had a 5 week in timed 5K again. How did I do? 50 minutes. that's right, i put 3 additional minutes onto my time.

we all have bad runs. bad races. it just majorly sucked that I did so poorly. What were my factors in "failure".
Well, I've half assed my training program. I just got into a yoga class 2 weeks ago. I rarely get my cross training in and my long runs on the weekend have been non-existent because of a lot of excuses.

It is hard to think about this group training, if I like it or not. The people are awesome but they are a lot faster than me. I mean, a lot faster. I know, I know...it's OK to be a turtle. (you bet your sweet bippy ass it is!) it just does something to your motivation when week after week a group of people are waiting for you to finish.

During the timed 5K, I ran the first 14 minutes. No walking. Which really, that is what killed me. My leg tightened up, my hip ached, my head was pounding. So one of the mentors I ran with started timing 7 minutes running, 1 minute walking for me. She talked to me the entire time, which made the long time fly by, but it kept me from focusing on the rhythm of my breath, foot fall, and mental game I play.

I crossed the finish line and felt OK. proud that i completed it. but when i heard my time. that is when i wanted to get away from the group. I was angry at myself. Yes, there were things occurring that I couldn't change. Still, I was angry & disappointed. Another participant reminded me that it was OK and that we all have bad runs.

That night after the group run was one of the worst nights. So what's my big "excuse" - my IIH is acting up again. Stress does a number to the body. It's why my doctors want me to exercise, want me to loose weight. Stress, my body weight, and chemistry cause something very frustrating to happen in my brain. It sends messages to my brain to swell. That swelling causes an extreme amount of pressure & pain in my eyes and head. At best I am always working with a headache that never goes away. At worst, the throbbing is deafening and the sudden sharp pains that flash cause me to loose a bit of my cognitive skills. 

The night of the run I had been having what I call "lightening bolt" pain for the past week. I had missed a few days of work. I needed dark lighting and cool spaces. I wasn't sure how the blood pumping activity of running was going to affect my already blood pumping pressure. I had told our leader George, told him where my emergency information was, and I started the run. With that mentor that I was running with, we talked a lot. She commented on how I've lived a lot of life. I said that I had to. That's all it took for me. I started thinking about dying. I know it's a hard thing to read here but I started to think about it, get scared, and started hyperventilating.

I still want to beat my original 10K time of 10K in 1:38:28 - hell i don't care if i only beat it by one minute.
I still say I'm "Iron Eagle" and often just want to shout out CHAPPY. I run better with music. it lets me run for fun. it lets me run for me and it doesn't make me feel guilty.

I'm running a 5K this Saturday. this one is for me. this one is headphones on. this one is to prove that i can be better.