Wednesday, May 4, 2011
What do you want to do with your life?
I want to dance.
So I read this article “Let go of Fear by Stopping the Stories in your head”. The reason it means so much to me is because it’s a skill I’m in need of working on. I have a hard time letting go out in public. I imagine so many judgment’s so quickly that I am paralyzed with fear. It’s happened twice while out on the town with the little Tiny Dancer.
See, she has no problem dancing it out – (I refer to the blog post titled Everybody Dance Now by Dorothy Snarker) Now, Tiny Dancer can actually dance – like honest to goodness dance. Me, I can do a mean box step and can perform the community musical theater tradition of “movement, not dancing”. It is however that notion of dancing for joy, as a form of expression that I would love to just be able to do.
Last night while seeing Hair, at the end they encourage folks to run up on stage and join them. I looked at her and knew that she would be itching to go. I however was plagued with fear. When I think about it now I think, what was the worst thing that could happen? Trip running up those stairs – Hollie you ran up those stairs and did power lunges in those aisles just this past December. So I said to her “I know you want to get up there, so go, don’t worry about me.”
So the emotional space I’ve had to contend with the past 24 hours and the loud noises and strobe lights in the second act, well all those things combined together make me start to panic. So I had to talk to myself, close my eyes and say “You are OK, you are safe”. I dislike that I let fear over ride my life. I could see Tiny Dancer on stage along with other local musical theater friends and I very well could have gotten up there. I stopped myself.
It happened at a local coffeehouse too, where the musicians that were performing invited everyone to dance to the music. While I was working out my leg that had fallen asleep, I couldn’t help but see all these people dancing for pure joy and how I just didn’t know how to do that, that I was too afraid to do that. My friend, she understands my limitations that I am trying to work through, she is responsive to my anxiety issues. Instead of dragging me up & into something, I think she sees that I will get there in time, when I feel safe.
It’s the same fear that paralyzes my ability to succeed. I know it’s something I want, know it’s something I am capable of, something I know how to do. Yet, I am scared of the emotion. I am scared of being joyful. I am scared of that light inside that radiates when I understand what being happy is. The bright spot for me is at least I am not running away this time. Saying I can’t or don't deserve to have it all. I just need practice. I need patience. I need to keep trying.