Let Love Move You

I have been reading a lot of inspirational items lately and watching a lot of inspirational training videos. Today, there was one with 18 motivational tips - the last one was "Let Love Move You". It hit me hard and sparked me to write this post, which I will also send out as an email.

Last night with USAFit, we had a send off party, some of our team were heading off to their respective races, others are tapering. My Half Marathon is in 20 days. I have been training for 5 months. It is something that I am very proud of.

My tapering started this Saturday, running just 8 miles and following it up the next day with a 3.5 light run. This coming Saturday is Color Me Rad, which is a 5K and I am not supposed to run it full out - to avoid injury. I'll run 3-4 miles the next day to keep my conditioning. The week following that is only 5 miles. Then it's race day.

So while I am winding down, I do hope you might ramp it up. What do I mean by this? I can't tell you what spectator support does for a runner. I can liken it to theater, how when you see your friends in the first few rows and try not to break character. There is something about a friendly smile, a person with a cowbell, or crazy signs. It's just awesome.

For instance, I was totally jealous of and jealous that I wasn't there for the "Joel Patrol". My friend and via distance coach Joel ran his first IronMan. His team, friends, and family were out there supporting him. Rachel wrote a post about the IronMan and it shows pictures of the Joel Patrol and some great signage for cheering on runners.

What can you do to support me on race day? You can do a couple of things. The largest thing you could do is volunteer - it takes a lot of backstage players to put on a large race. Packet pick ups, aid stations, directing people where to park, etc. Please think about volunteering if you have the time.

Secondly, you can come out and see the race. It's Sunday October 7th, starting at 8:30am. I run approximately 15 minute miles. So that can help you gauge when you'd need to be at a spot. Example, you want to cheer me on at mile 5 at the Maplewood School (32 Cohoes road Watervliet) then you should get there by 9:30 and hang out until 10:30 to cheer me on. You want to see me just over the half-way point at mile 7, then get to the Price Chopper Plaza at 1804 Second Ave,Watervliet between 9:45-10:45.

Holding signs, curing my fever with a little more cowbell, having small 8-10oz bottles of gatorade fruit punch, high fives, and lots of shouting my name are all awesome things you can do.

Being at either of those viewing stations, gives you enough time to travel down to the finish line . Or if you want, just go right to the finish line at the River Front park at the Corning Preserve. Be there between 11-11:45am and you'll get to see me be the proudest emotional wreck you'll ever see. For a map of the race route check out the Hudson Mohawk race page or look at their spectators guide, just remember I'm running the HALF marathon, cause I'm only HALF crazy, the spectators guide gives you notes on the whole marathon & half route.

Why do I want you there? Because I love you and I want you to see me happy, proud and accomplish something that is personally challenging. I want you to know what I sacrificed our Friday nights together for. I want you to experience my joy when I finish. I want you there with a hug. I want your love to move me further and faster than I've ever raced before.

What's in my pantry?

This weekend I face ten miles again. Jenika was there the last time, asking me what's in my pantry in order to get my panic attack to slow down. But tomorrow I will have ten miles of asking myself what's in my pantry? My pantry.

Canned Goods
Pasta and Rice
Miscellaneous
Beans
Baking Needs
Spices & Seasonings
Paper & Plastic

My pantry has it's staples, it's non perishable items. Heart and courage, canned and ready for long term storage. Humor and common sense, stiff when stored but flexible under hot water. Love and joy, sometimes mushy when left to sit for a long time. Friends and team support, when I need a plan and help to rise. Affirmations, when I need to pepper my journey and a wall of race bibs to show me what I have done.

Joel told me before to "get the fuck over" the fact I ran ten miles. I'm still astonished by it. It's not a "how did I do that", or an "I can't believe I did that", anymore. It's a I ran ten fucking miles. 

My pantry holds everything I have been storing up since March. In 30 days, I will test how well I have prepared. I have ten miles this weekend, next weekend I will face twelve, then I will taper with eight, then five.

The twelve, is the last time I'll get to run with my group. I have Color Me Rad on the weekend of eight miles, and then I have a commitment the next weekend as well. When talking to Jenika I said it as "it's just five miles and I can take that on my own."

Joel told me there would be a day when that would happen.

I face my ten miles with my group but on my own. I get to prove to myself that this all isn't a dream.

Know that where there’s fear, there’s power

It's funny because on the drive into work I was thinking about fear. Thinking about how I am not afraid to die, I had to make peace with that when it was very unknown. My fear is that getting better is improbable, note I did not say impossible.

Then when I got into work there was an article about fear in my news feed. The article "A Simple Process to Turn Fear into Power" by Leanne Kallal over at Tiny Buddha, was a welcomed read this afternoon.

On November 3, 2008 I had written the following in my LiveJournal:

I am terrified and using humor a bit too much to make light of the situation. I had a few doctors appointments on Friday. I was just expecting simple things and maybe some tests for my back. But my eye doctor noticed that I had some swelling in my optic nerve of both eyes.Thursday at 2pm I have an MRI to rule out a brain tumor. I am getting pretty low because I am beating myself up over my weight. but i am also scared because I won't know if it's a brain tumor or not until later in the week. In the mean time I am in a lot of pain with my head and my back. I'm still at work and still trying to keep myself moving and doing things with people. but i'm scared. I know things will be fine in the end but it's this journey i am scared of and just may need a little support through it.

Look at those first words. "I am terrified".  Until January of 2010, I was in a doctor's office at least twice a week. I was taking upwards of 12 pills each morning. I was fearful of everything. I didn't know if I could survive through a night of karaoke with friends because it was so loud and I didn't know if I could act and sing because it might be too loud in my head and hurt, I didn't know how to answer friends when they asked if I was going to die. I was closing myself off from people, I was stressed out from work, I became sick of being sick. It's taken a lot of patience to be OK with having this disorder that causes me chronic pain. I don't talk about it much with people and often I can block it out on a daily basis, I've just gotten used to the pain. I've been stoic or humorous more often than honest.

After my last few long runs, where I was running over 2 hours or pushing myself up a giant hill, I could feel pain. There are many things that can cause the pain to be more noticeable. The change of the seasons, change in barometric pressure, stress, or just the disorder itself. I noticed it before the Bridge of Flowers run and quickly made a comment to my counterparts of what I was allergic to, just in case.

I forget that others haven't had four years to process this. When I explain what occurs for me on a daily basis and what things can potentially happen (due to them occurring in the past) it can be terrifying. Often, I am treated as a sick person. I no longer am Hollie, I am a liability or a burden to bare. I made the choice to be honest with my coaches. A lot of things happened afterward, some good and some bad but most based out of fear. Fear for my safety, fear for the liability of the program, fear that this was another thing that had to be handled.

I get it, I honestly do. I am very casual about the extremes I can go through because I went through my stages of grief after being diagnosed. I cried, got angry, and felt let down. As I learned more about my disorder and how to listen to my body, I was able to go off a lot of medicine and manage most of the pain through quitting my stressful job and taking nine months to rest (thanks car accident, I'll always be thankful for that) - but I didn't get to explain that, that I am a lot better than I was. Once again my perception became that, I was a sick person, no longer Hollie, a liability and a burden to bare.

It hurt me. I know that wasn't the intent. Believe me, I know it. Safety was the intent. Doing the right thing was the intent. So I took time off from work and scheduled doctors appointments. I was fearful of what they would say. I was fearful that they would tell me that I can't, couldn't, or shouldn't run. But they heard me, they heard me tell them everything I was doing to make sure I was being healthy. I was already doing everything they would have prescribed.

So now, I just have to wait. I have to hand in my doctors notes and wait. Is there fear associated with that? Yes, there is a lot of fear associated with that. I had made statements over the weekend, things like "I feel like my friends have been taken away from me in one fell swoop", "I feel like all my hard work is just being thrown out the window", "I feel like this is just something I can't talk honestly about", "I feel like someone else is making the decision that I can't run". Do I still have all those fears? Yes. Yes I do.

All that fear, it pushed me. To take action and responsibility for myself. To get all the information requested as quickly as possible. To handle things differently. That fear was with me when I attempted my 9 miles on Monday.  It's what drove me to prove I could do it on my own, that as long as a doctor said I wasn't hurting that myself, that irregardless of the decision from my running group - I could still make it to my half marathon, team or no team.

Death would come off the line...

I am now deep within training. It's the point where it is tough, both physically and mentally. I said to Jenika the other morning that it's kind of crazy because before I used to prep for 10K distances. You know, make sure I was hydrated, that my legs were rested, that my nutrition was spot on. Now, every Saturday I'm running at least a 10K. Yes, I said at least. Most of the time it is more. This weekend it is 7 miles, which will take me about/almost 2 hours to complete. It is the point at which my legs deadened at the Boilermaker. It is the mileage that I need to have a game plan for.

I have reached a point where I have to get serious.

Now, most of my friends would say "Hollie, you are serious and have been serious." To that notion, I say thanks. But in reality I have not been serious because all of it has been manageable so far. Running the distances I need to run the rest of my training requires a lot of work and sacrifice. What do I mean by that?

The individuals in my training group know that Friday nights are a no go out night for most of us, or it's a need to be in bed by 10pm type of evening. However, most of my friends don't get it or don't understand. Statements like, "oh you can run later in the afternoon" or "you've been running enough" or "you're always running" haunt me and my connections with my friends.

I can't do all the things I used to do and expect performance. I have to eat cleaner and stay hydrated from now until October. That is a challenge. Today is even tough because I'm meeting a friend for happy hour. I want to be able to have two beers or two bourbons but I know that I can. I'm not saying I can't have them. It's just hard to think two bourbons is 200 empty calories or two Guinness's is 260 empty calories. I could have two skinless grilled chicken breasts, or a giant (16oz) mean green juice.

When I lived with my parents, we had a bargain. I'd live rent free if I would plan and cook the weeks meals. I spent some time looking at clean eating. There were a bunch of things I loved making. My parent's kitchen is huge and had enough room for me to do everything. My apartment is small, and I have little counter space. I know I need to do something soon. I need to have a lot of things prepped and ready.

Sunday, I got to go out and run with some friends. I needed to make up my 6 miles I missed with my group this week. I had to walk the last two miles because my knee was acting up. I'm pretty sure it's my IT band because my right hip is super tight and it's the outer side of my knee. I ended up looking at movies to watch on my Amazon Prime account and I saw I could rent Hood to Coast and then I saw Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I clicked on Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and sat down to watch it.

It is something that I can't explain when a doctor tells you that you are going to die if you don't change. The words Morbidly Obese. While I've been loosing weight, I'm still classified as Morbidly Obese. Morbid as in death. Watching the gentleman in the movie who is over 400lbs be told his BMI and classification was difficult. I remember being in the same place. I could do pills, shakes, supplements, surgery. I have read all the items about surgery and there was a time when I contemplated it. However, it is not an option for me. It is something I don't want.

In the movie they talk about juice fasts and while that is not something I want to do, I did like the fact that all your fruits and vegetables could be juiced and drank. That IS something I am interested in. In the movie you see the gentleman's progression over 10 months. It is a nice reminder of will power, dedication, and the decision to change. It makes me think about getting a juicer, again not for a fast but as an addition to my current plan. My lose it! app tells me with just caloric shift alone that by March 2013 I would get to my goal weight of around 180lbs. That would have me at just overweight. Death would come off the line and I would continue to work at it.

That IS what I want. So I've got to make peace with my decisions, my shifts and changes in my life, my friendships, my time because my life is worth it.

My running family

Purdue BGR takes on Ragnar

I have been lucky to be introduced to several amazing people and to have had many amazing students who inspired me. In 2009, some of my former students from when I worked at Purdue University tagged me in a photo at the Seattle Fish Market. They were running a Ragnar relay race. Their team was pirate themed and all the photos in the album on Facebook reminded me why I missed those guys. I looked into the Ragnar, to see what it was and day dreamed of having the ability to run a relay with them.

Mary Beth being all hardcore

I had been working out with a personal trainer and getting stronger and healthier. I had found the Warrior Dash at Windham because it was the closest thing to the Ragnar I could find locally and I was ready to sign up for it. Then,  I was side tracked when I broke my collar bone. I couldn't weight lift and I needed to do something, so I started walking. I watched my brother go run and complete the race that I so badly wanted to run. While talking to Mary Beth, another former student (this time from University of South Florida) she said to me, that if I could walk 3.2 miles in an hour, I could definitely run 3.2 miles. She convinced me to sign up for a race and let people know about it.

Rule#1 - Cardio

So, I signed up for the Troy Turkey Trot 5K and I told lots of people. It was during my training for this that I talked to Joel about running for the first time. I got some pointers & encouragement. He told me his brother Ed was running the race and eventually we had our own little team, based on my philosophy that my training was purely for the fact that if chased by zombies, I wanted a fighting chance. I had caught the racing bug after that and ran in several more races, including my first Boilermaker.

Kerry being all hardcore!

Ed convinced me to check out group running and to look at this group called BeRunning. I was skeptic of running in a group, because I'm hella slow. But I was teamed up with a mentor - Kerry, who still this day amazes me with the things she has planned. Seeing her sign up for next years IronMan Lake Placid is like the coolest thing ever and knowing she'll rock the NYC marathon is just as cool to me too!

Joel & Ed at the Boilermaker post party

I also met Jenika during my time with BeRunning and Jenika introduced me to USAFit and with both Ed & Jenkia assuring I could complete a half marathon, I jumped in. I thought it was crazy, and it is crazy but that's how I got into my first Boilermaker and this year, I completed my second Boilermaker. I desperately wanted to get a picture of all my running mentors together at the Boilermaker, because they were all there! But I did manage to get a photo with Joel & Ed at the end of the Boilermaker this year.

I love that orange hat & the lady underneath.

It's been a few weeks since the Boilermaker, I was side tracked with a sinus infection, very sore knees, and the opening of my summer production. I've taken some time away from running and noticed it was affecting my mood and I wanted to run but I knew that my body was saying rest. A few text messages checking in on me from Jenika, along with several really great new running friends from USAFit,  kept me positive and have meant the world. I asked for buddies this week to run with to make sure I got out for my miles, and had people immediately respond.

Jenika and I met up last night at SUNY Albany. Albany Running Exchange was on the track doing their speed work and she and I went out for a run. She asked how much I wanted to do and told me to set the pace. I said I wanted to at least get 40 minutes in and try for 3 miles. Not only was it good to go out and do something physically, it was really good talking with Jenika. See, the thing that they don't tell you when you start group running, is that the people you run with week in and week out become your confidants. When you are running (without headphones) you start to get to know those people, they understand when you have good or bad runs. They understand when life gets too rough and allow you space but will check in to get you back on track. They remind you that you can when everything else is telling you that you can't.

While we ran last night, Jenika told me about Trail Running Camp and how she got some coaching on running hills from some other seasoned runners. It's really neat to see your mentors talk about when they need advice or help on running, and how grateful they are when they get that feedback. It's funny because I am sure that my students from Purdue, Mary Beth, Joel, Ed, Kerry, and Jenika do not realize how much "this littler runner who could" looks up to them and takes to heart the advice & inspiration that they give me. 

So thanks guys. I've got big dreams and big shoes to fill.

Calculation

There are still days when I lace up my shoes and think that I am absolutely crazy. That I'm running a 15K (9.3miles) in maybe a month or so. That I'm running a half marathon (13.1 miles) in about 5 months. When I get up early in the morning on Saturday's, I think - what in the hell is wrong with you Hollie.

I signed up for a second running group as I wasn't getting my Saturday long runs in. So this way I am accountable and I get to make more running friends. Because let's face it, only other runners will look at you with mild crazy eye when you suggest that you "hang out" by going for a run and then maybe a beer or breakfast afterwards.

The past two Saturday's I've gotten my mileage in, which is great. I've also had good conversation, which makes the early hours also worth it. So I know it's important to get my weekday runs in, so that Saturday run doesn't feel like it's hell. Now that I have a summer show and more evening events are piling up, I might have to switch to running in the mornings.

I ran this morning and found myself running so slow. I felt bad during my run about it but I know that it's ok. it's part of the training. When I looked at one of the tools that was in my new group's blog I figured I'd try it out.

Looking at this calculator, I've been running a bit faster than I should be running during all of my runs. So I'm ok with the 16 minute pace (while running not walking) I had today, compared to the 13:30min pace I've been working at.

This tells me I can complete the boilermaker in 2:26:28. Last year I did it in 2:34:46 - that's shaving 8 minutes off. That seems like a lot but I'm going to make it my goal time, with the ultimate goal being just finishing. This also tells me I can finish a half marathon in 3:30. Running for over three hours seems insane, still last year i thought running over two hours was insane.

So I'm trusting in the schedule. I'm trusting in my body breaking down and rebuilding.I'm trusting that I can be a bit slower if I need to be on my recovery runs.

A new season starts

A new season of running starts. With it comes new dilemmas. I now know what it is like to run The Boilermaker. I now know what it is like to injure yourself. I now know that foam rolling & stretching isn't a joke. I now know I can do it, so with that knowledge comes procrastination.

I signed up for a second season with BeRunning and while the beginning months of my membership were ones where it was too cold for my asthma, or my leg hurt too much, or the flu took me out. Going to last nights group session was still scary. We have a little community on Facebook and I try to post when I am running there so I can be more accountable, so I have others who will lovingly yell at me if I don't make it to a run.

I knew I needed to start training in March to make The Boilermaker a possibility. I pulled into the parking lot and saw my mentor out putting flags up to mark the trail we were using that evening. Then Ed pulled in and we started talking about running, about how we all took off more time than we wanted in between running. About what type of interval to start running at. For my last race in December I was running 2 minutes and walking 45 seconds. I didn't know if it would be too much or not. Ed, then sprang it on me. Why don't you run the Hudson Half after The Boilermaker. He and Kate are training for it. I think Joel & Mark are running it. Lots of area running friends are running it. I might be able to run it in 3.30 or 4 hours but after training the spring, summer & fall, I might be able to run it in the 3.30 zone. So my interest is peaked but I have to make the decision soon & register if I want to. Curse you Ed, for getting grand ideas in my head.

We started up, did our introductions and our stretches. It was a speed workout. Not the best for me to be picking my running back up again but I needed the group mentality to make a start of it all. As I started out with Kerry, I remembered everything I learned last season. Loosen my shoulders, good posture, exaggerated baby steps. We were basically walking one flag and running two. (other runners do a run faster than average pace, then during their recovery [where i walk] they just run at their regular pace)

Like usual, I started out faster than we needed to be. We decided on a 14 min pace for the speed work. Kerry has a gps watch that i am jealous of because it lets us know our pace. When she had to break off from me to talk to a fellow participant, I was on my own for trying to figure out my pace. Usually it's the rhythm of my breathing matched with my foot strike. However, I was going a bit too fast. I made it around the trail 3 times in 43 minutes, which is good for me.[note to self: get one of those fancy watches] It felt OK running. Felt like it was semi normal. I'll run this week on Friday instead of Saturday because St. Patrick's Day has me everywhere.

Today I'm reaping the benefits of running. A co-worker said to me, you're awfully smiley today. I replied back, yeah that I ran last night, that my season was starting. That it's one month of living on my own, that I'm taking care & protecting myself from things and people that hurt me, and that I'm running. It's a lot of things to be smiley about.

It's nice to have a bit of pep in my step.

Maybe I changed my tune

This past Sunday I ran my Fall Frun Run 10K race that I had been training for with the BeRunning group. While I went into running and training with a group open minded I found that I struggled with the process. Sometimes it was hard because of my speed, I ran with the same people week in and week out. I got to know them but I didn't get to know the whole group. (In actuality, it's a really interesting study in group dynamics because we never really went through Tuckman's theory of development.)

I'm an introvert, so until I know you and feel safe/comfortable around you I really don't show my personality. Which means, when we wait in a group at the beginning and end of runs, well I become an awkward 12 year old kid. So that also means I try to find the fastest route out of the awkward situation.

So I was going into Sunday's run with a shaky leg, the mentor I ran with the most was down in NYC supporting another BeRunner in the NYC Marathon, and everyone was faster than I was. Wicked faster than I was. I had the fear of coming in last inside my head.

Left and right we kept being asked if we were nervous. I responded each time, yes. I was nervous. Inside I knew that I didn't give it everything I could have in my training, that I had a few setbacks physically, that mentally I've been all over the place. I voiced my fear of coming in last and being slow to Jenika, a fellow participant. She assured me I'd be great and said she'd come back out to find me after she finished as long as I agreed to do the same for her if I finished before her. That made me smile. We both knew she'd finish first but she just kept trying to stay positive with me.

As a group we gathered and Fantastic George led us in a cheer to get us excited. It got us a lot of glances, which was neat because people were wondering who our group was. George said it would happen, but sometimes I let my skeptic win out.

I lined up with the other runners from our group and once again, taking the voice of Ed Tse in my head (and in my face!) "let's hang out to the side and let everyone else start". Then keeping the voice of Joel Tse in my head, I picked out a target for a "kill" (i know that doesn't sound nice but it's meant with love)

It didn't take very long for the entire group of runners to be way off in the distance to me. We hit a shady patch of the course running out to the road and i thought, maybe I didn't have enough layers on, or maybe next time bring your gloves. I use a GymBoss timer to give me my intervals. I was doing 7 minutes running & 1 minute walking. My legs were so heavy that the first mile made me feel like death. My left shin and ankle were tightening, I started to get worried. I was running and it was painful. I kept hearing Marey's voice telling me to relax from toe to crown, kept hearing Kerry tell me to slow down and keep my shoulders loose.

As I approached 1.5 miles I made my move. Purple hat & orange shirt had been in front of me. I knew that I was currently in last place. I knew that I needed to pick it up in order to get past them. I thought we might play "tag" like I did with the women in the Great Pumpkin but I passed them, chalked two kills internally and then went back to my leg.

I had passed the first mile clock around 13:50 which is pretty damn good for me. However, it also let me know I was running faster than my regular pace and that I had planed for a 15/16 min per mile pace. So I slowed it down and tried to relax while walking. When I got to the mile two clock Marey was manning the station. She asked how I was feeling, reminded me to relax and I kept on trucking.

Around mile 2.5 (i think) was our first hill. Now, I knew there would be a hill there. It wasn't super steep it was just longer than I expected. I ran a bit of it but then had to walk. Dorothea's voice was in my ear telling me not to be stubborn & prideful and just accept the walk uphill. The rolling hills after the big hill, well those sucked balls too, but I kept my arms pumping and kept looking back making sure I was putting some distance between me and purple hat.

When I saw the mile 4 clock, it felt good to know I was on track to sustain 1 hour 36 minutes as my 10K PR time. I did the math, I thought I'd make it and have a slight chance to even beat it. Mile 5 left me feeling cold, we were getting back in shady parts, there were more cars on the road, the runners who have finished the race in 40 minutes are now running the reverse race route doing their additional run workout (which makes you want to trip them, I'm not going to lie to you)

leave no BeRunner behind

I started the journey back onto Shenedahowa's campus, I had forgotten that we had to run across a field. Just as I was not feeling the field I heard "YOU GOT THIS HOLLIE!" over a megaphone. It was coming from Fantastic George. I ran closer and saw Marey. I saw Jenika's orange hat, Jessie & Latticia, I heard Ed's voice. They all came back to run me in. I was loosing my breath at that point. The cold air was wrecking my lungs, burning with each breath.  Ed told me he was a zombie chasing me, Letticia started singing the U.S. States song, they all just kept me going.

A runnin rhino all the way to the end

We got onto the track and started the last bit of the run. My brother ran up on the side and started running with us as a group. Letticia knew what my 10K goal was, she kept giving me updates. Ed told me to push until i didn't think i could push anymore and that I could pass out after the finish line. Next Letticia told me I had 30 seconds to get to the finish to make my goal.

I started sprinting. I honestly have no idea where the energy came from. It hurt, i'm not going to lie. My lungs burnt and I was ready to cry but no one was taking my goal away from me, myself included.

Both sides of the finish line

George P. Kansas and I

As I started to sprint I could hear the group running with me start shouting & cheering and I was running to an even bigger group waiting for me cheering and jumping. I crossed the finish line at 1:35:55 (with the Ed Tse voice inside telling me yeah I did even better cause of my NET time!) I crossed the finish line and went right into hugs, high fives, and photos. I set a new 10K PR (personal record) of 1:35:29




I finally got it. I finally understood group running. I had asked a lot of friends to come out to the race and see me finish. Honestly, who wants to wake up early to watch someone finish a race right at the end? My fellow group of BeRunning runners do. They wanted to support me and they wanted to see me succeed on my own level of success. Not once did any of them tell me I shouldn't run a 10K, or that I was too slow. They just kept telling me that I could.

So to answer the doubts that I had when I told myself that I paid money to have someone remind me to run, that's not what you paid for Hollie. You paid for an opportunity to be introduced to some amazing people who showed you that runners come in every shape, size and speed.

So maybe I changed my tune and you know what? I feel FANTASTIC GEORGE!

heatwraps & snacks

Right now I've got a Thermacare heat wrap on my shin. It's just starting it's warming feature. It's cause I am attempting heat. Last night after my group run I iced my whole shin. It's annoying because I am in a good amount of pain after I run. However, when I run it doesn't hurt until I slow down or walk. Also, my foot has gone numb in the past two runs and my ankle seizes and makes my foot slap into the pavement.

Did I mention that the bruise/bump that I had concerns about way back when I started running last year has increased by two inches?

So let's review. Raised bump & bruise on mid shin. Pins & Needles that run from my big toe to the bottom of my butt. Throbbing on the top of the foot near a raised vein. Throbbing in shin coincides with throbbing on shin. All of this is occurring only on one leg. My left leg. Running about 1.4 miles is what agitates it. 30 minutes later the pain goes away. There is a dead leg throb that remains but it is nothing like the pain while running.

My podiatrist adjusted my insert to stop the front of my foot from pronating. Then he referred me to a vascular specialist. He wants to rule out a vein & circulation issue before moving on to testing for compartment syndrome. Both items have their scary aspects.

Vascular - it could be Deep Vein Thrombosis which my vein could clog and the blood clot could go to my lungs or brain and I die. Yes, it's dramatic and the worst case scenario. Best case is it is just the vein and I have surgery to burn & kill the vein and reroute to other veins. It might help the pins & needles and it might even help my headaches. Still, there is surgery involved. Well surgery & blood thinners, which will make me kiss alcohol goodbye.

Compartment Syndrome - muscles have these sheaths around them that expand & contract along with the muscle. Sometimes when you become very muscular the sheath does not stretch with the muscle, instead it contracts on the muscle and can pinch off veins & nerves. The pain is often misdiagnosed as shin splints. Shin splint pain stays for two to three weeks and does not get better when you stop the activity. For compartment syndrome they stick your muscle with a  pressure measurement tool, patch you up with a sterile dressing, and then ask you to perform the activity that irritates the muscle. Then they measure you 1 minute after stopping and 5 minutes after stopping. If the pressure is abnormal, then they perform surgery. What do they do? Oh, they cut the sheath that surrounds your muscle and if needed place a skin graph on your leg.

Still, my podiatrist is letting me run. Telling me, if it hurts than stop. I went out too fast with a different mentor the other night and I think that kicked my leg a bit too much. Today at work it's been dead & throbbing. Hence the heat wrap. And while I know yoga would be a good thing to help stretch it...i'm just not motivated today.

The health things that have been kicking my ass the past 3 weeks and the fact I've put on 13 pounds...well it sucks the life out of me. Honestly, I think I prefer running on my own. I prefer music. I prefer changing my schedule around. I prefer it to be a want to not a have to.

I'm running the Great Pumpkin 5K this weekend. Last year it was (technically) the first 5K I ever ran. So it's the first race that I know the whole route to already. After that, Nov 6th is my 10K. My last race of the season will be the Troy Turkey Trot (if my friend tells me she registered). In my head I know I ran the boilermaker off of 7 weeks of training and had to rest the two weeks prior to the race. I know I can do the distance, I just want it to be fun again. I want to end my season on some high notes.

half way & half assed

Last week in my running group we had a 5 week in timed 5K again. How did I do? 50 minutes. that's right, i put 3 additional minutes onto my time.

we all have bad runs. bad races. it just majorly sucked that I did so poorly. What were my factors in "failure".
Well, I've half assed my training program. I just got into a yoga class 2 weeks ago. I rarely get my cross training in and my long runs on the weekend have been non-existent because of a lot of excuses.

It is hard to think about this group training, if I like it or not. The people are awesome but they are a lot faster than me. I mean, a lot faster. I know, I know...it's OK to be a turtle. (you bet your sweet bippy ass it is!) it just does something to your motivation when week after week a group of people are waiting for you to finish.

During the timed 5K, I ran the first 14 minutes. No walking. Which really, that is what killed me. My leg tightened up, my hip ached, my head was pounding. So one of the mentors I ran with started timing 7 minutes running, 1 minute walking for me. She talked to me the entire time, which made the long time fly by, but it kept me from focusing on the rhythm of my breath, foot fall, and mental game I play.

I crossed the finish line and felt OK. proud that i completed it. but when i heard my time. that is when i wanted to get away from the group. I was angry at myself. Yes, there were things occurring that I couldn't change. Still, I was angry & disappointed. Another participant reminded me that it was OK and that we all have bad runs.

That night after the group run was one of the worst nights. So what's my big "excuse" - my IIH is acting up again. Stress does a number to the body. It's why my doctors want me to exercise, want me to loose weight. Stress, my body weight, and chemistry cause something very frustrating to happen in my brain. It sends messages to my brain to swell. That swelling causes an extreme amount of pressure & pain in my eyes and head. At best I am always working with a headache that never goes away. At worst, the throbbing is deafening and the sudden sharp pains that flash cause me to loose a bit of my cognitive skills. 

The night of the run I had been having what I call "lightening bolt" pain for the past week. I had missed a few days of work. I needed dark lighting and cool spaces. I wasn't sure how the blood pumping activity of running was going to affect my already blood pumping pressure. I had told our leader George, told him where my emergency information was, and I started the run. With that mentor that I was running with, we talked a lot. She commented on how I've lived a lot of life. I said that I had to. That's all it took for me. I started thinking about dying. I know it's a hard thing to read here but I started to think about it, get scared, and started hyperventilating.

I still want to beat my original 10K time of 10K in 1:38:28 - hell i don't care if i only beat it by one minute.
I still say I'm "Iron Eagle" and often just want to shout out CHAPPY. I run better with music. it lets me run for fun. it lets me run for me and it doesn't make me feel guilty.

I'm running a 5K this Saturday. this one is for me. this one is headphones on. this one is to prove that i can be better. 

Fantastic George!

At the beginning of our runs our group leader George asks us loudly "how's everyone feeling tonight?" our response is shouted just as loudly back at him "Fantastic George!"

Last night's run was 3.2 miles, yep a full 5K. It was so they could get an idea of our actual time and pace. Our group rules are strict with no headphones, no music. I've never run without music....so it was difficult. I also started out a lot faster than I should. That always happens with groups. I mean I even started towards the back of the group. I did well with keeping up with the group the first time around but then my pace slowed, the air grew thicker, and I had to walk/run.

I know walk/run is not the end of the world. Hell, I do it in most races. It's just when everyone in the group you are running with looks ten times healthier than you, well you try to emulate their health as well.

My "winner" finisher's medal

The second time around a mentor walked parts with me and shouted out tips of relaxing my arms more and keeping my arms at my side while walking and use them to pump. So it was great. Also, they are an encouraging bunch - which is nice. I kept smiling & laughing the entire time so that is a real good thing.

At the end of the race they gave us out finisher's medals. Which is really nice. How did I do? around 47 minutes. So I am off from my last 5K time of 41 minutes. Still, I haven't run in 6 weeks and I felt like crap this morning. So I'm OK with the 47 minutes for right now. It's a good starting time. Ultimately, when I ran The Boilermaker my split time for the 10K portion was 1hr36min so my goal is come November to beat that time. I'd LOVE to run a 10K in an hour or 1:10 but beating my 1:36 is my success goal.

The rest of the week is interesting, especially with my rehearsal schedule. So it's yoga tomorrow, short run on Friday, cross training Saturday, and then a short run & strength training on Sunday. I'm not sure if I'll get yoga in tomorrow because 1. i don't know how to do it. 2. i don't have a gym membership and 3. I have rehearsal at 7pm tomorrow. Friday's run is no problem and Saturday is no problem. Sunday I'll just have to wake up early to get it done before I start Tech Sunday.

So in 10 weeks I should be slimming down, training my legs & lungs, building strength, and making some new friends.

tonight is the "first day of classes"

I am slowly getting ready for tonight. I am nervous.

I am slow. I am currently run down. I struggle with the notion of me being a runner.

I haven't put on any of my running gear (besides my shoes) for 6 weeks. So I feel like I am starting at the beginning again. I know I will have to start and stop a lot. Which makes me feel like "they're all going to laugh at me."

I know they are adults and they won't laugh but i wonder if they will question my actual ability to do the program.

Hollie it's a 10K training program. You ran a 15K. You survived it.

still, these are my worries.

I also downloaded the week schedule. Really, for the next two weeks all I have time for is the Wednesday night group work. But there is some cross training, some strength, some longer runs, and some yoga in there.

I'll feel better when Frankenstein:A New Musical is done because I'll have more time.

Last year, this is when I started training for the Turkey Trot 5K.

Since then, my life has been different.

Taking the next step

Those who know me in real life, know that i've been working on my fitness since September 2009. I trained with personal trainers, lost about 50 pounds and felt strong. I was sidetracked by personal injury and found my way to wanting to run by seeing my former students run in costumes during a Ragnar race. I found the Warrior Dash and showed it to my brother but I couldn't do it last year because of my shoulder. It was after seeing him run that race with an all uphill first mile, that I knew if I wanted to do it the next year i'd have to run a 5K. My friend Mary Beth heard how I was walking and that I did a 5K distance in about an hour. So she encouraged me to sign up for a race and to use the couch to 5K program. I trained on my own three days a week.

After running my initial 5K, I knew I wanted to keep going and run more 5K's the next season. I also had a great friend convince me to run a 15K. Yep, I'm a crazy bastard who went from 6 5K's to running a 15K, and not just any 15K but The Boilermaker.

Again, I trained on my own three days a week.

But now, I'm taking a big step. I joined a 10K training group. The distance is not an intimidating factor for me. I mean, I ran a 15K. During that race at the 10K marker I said "it's just one more 5K". The intimidating factor is....being social while I run. Being social, not listening to music, and facing my own innate need to compete when there is no competition. It's also being social with new people but Kathleen told me I can no longer use that as a crutch because I do musical theater and I know how to make friends.

So I did it. I took the plunge. I signed up for Be Running 10K program  It's a ten week program where we'll meet once a week on Wednesday nights in Colonie and I'll be assigned a mentor to walk me through all the training. The same group ran a C25K program for Fleet Feet, so they're good with the run/walk programs. I'll still have time to run on my own for long runs. It's just a little crazy to me. I started running last year around this time. I now have 5 5K's under my belt and one 15K.

Now, I'm taking a big girl step. I won't be alone. Which is freaky.