Tuesday, June 7, 2011

“will you still love me if I fail?”

Last night I brought everything I needed to run to work. It was a beautiful day out. I felt a mild amount of pain. It was a perfect opportunity to run. 

But I didn’t. I didn’t even go to the auditions that I had in my calendar. 

I called one of my friends and I babbled onto her like a middle school girl. While it’s comical, it’s still annoying. I am still having a hard time finding my words, or well the semantics of one four letter word. I saw another friend last night too while in my debate to audition. I consumed massive (for me) amounts of sugar. 

I don’t know why, but all I want lately is sugar and not sugar in the traditional form but sugar in the form of bread. I want to eat massive amounts of bread and dough based products. Not to mention cake (but I can resist cake)

While walking around the office yesterday in my dress shoes my toes tightened up, so I switched to flippies hoping they would let me walk on my forefoot a bit more. It gave me some freedom but I already felt the damage. I don’t want to have to ice bath my foot every day but I just might have to.

I was late getting into PT today and while I completed Saturday’s race well, my arch was tight and my shin was tight. She worked on my foot a bit and it reminds me that I said I was going to give myself a reward of getting a massage because I ran the race. I may schedule one for late on Saturday so I can run the Pride 5K with my friend and then go to brunch and then finish up the day with a massage.  Still, I’m not sure if I’ll run it. We’ll see what the podiatrist says Thursday.

When talking to another runner here at work about the Freihofer and how my pace & time were better than the workforce challenge and that I still walked a lot of the Freihofer. She said that’s great then, that my training was working and that I’d be getting better times when I’m running the entire race. I told her that I was frightened by the Boilermaker. It’s not a lie, I am terrified. She asked what the most mileage I had was, and it’s about 4.5 miles the most I’ve run/walked, she suggested that I hope to get up to eight miles soon. I’ve got about a month left and I’m still trying to figure out things with my foot & shin. It’s hard for me to get excited about training because I worry that I’ll do more damage or that it will become too painful.  The pain has subsided a bit but it is still there. 

The other reason I’m terrified for the Boilermaker is disappointing people, disappointing myself. I keep telling myself that I’ll be ok if I don’t finish it, that as long as I get a 10K distance I’ll be happy. I know that my brother will be proud of me, that tiny dancer will still be cheering me on, that D will know I tried. It’s just the age old sentiment of “will you still love me if I fail?” I know what the answer is. Yes, they will. Where I am struggling is, will I? I think I will, but I will probably still cry.

1 comment:

  1. hai. i am SO proud of you and your journey and i don't think not-finishing is failing. i think the success lies in the journey. and i still love you if you don't finish - heck, it's a longer race than anything i ever ran even when i was in top-shape in high school! you are AWESOME! i hope you can learn to be proud of you, too :)