Monday, March 28, 2011

Finding Focus.

The past week was all around rough for me. I was at a conference, I was sick, I was having panic attacks. Since I was sick I chose not to run. There is no point of running myself into the ground with exhaustion. I managed to get through the work week and found myself looking forward to the weekend. I knew I would run on the treadmill Saturday and I had fun plans all weekend long. There were moments of remembering why I love my life, my friends, and why I love myself.
I am proud of myself for this weekend. Yes, there are things I am not proud of as well but I know and understand why I made those choices. Emotional eating and running back to comforts that I probably shouldn’t, yeah those things made me feel guilty but they also made me feel good. Guilty harmful pleasures are like that.
So I’m using the dance technique of “Spotting” for the rest of the week.
I don’t want to lose my focus, lose my center, and lose myself.  Finding a point to return to when you are spinning out of control but you can't just stop you have to keep going.  On my drive into work today I completely disconnected from everything.  It is part of my old coping methods and I am trying to change it. So for now, running will be my spot, my center, and my focus.
Saturday’s run was good. I stepped on the treadmill and started my warm up then I looked at the amount of time for the run. Sixty-two minutes. I was like “holy fuck” I’m going to be on this machine for over an hour. Then I thought about it and remembered that I’d be running for over two hours eventually. I took a deep breath and I began the run. Sixty-two minutes later I had logged in four miles. This is awesome. Because The Boilermaker is 9.6 miles and you have three hours to complete it. If I can walk/run four miles in an hour then in three hours I could do twelve miles (statistically).
Tonight I’ll jump on the treadmill again. I didn’t bring anything to work to do my run right after. It’s just a bit too windy for me right now. So I’ll drive home, get changed, run for an hour, and then eat – shower- sleep.  I’m trying to trick myself into being excited about my training run. I’m trying to spot. Because the work day is long when you have nothing to work on and when your mind is idle – well that’s when the harmful thoughts can do the most damage.
So 30 Seconds to Mars – Closer to the Edge, do your trick. Be my power song today and I promise to spot.

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