Monday, June 3, 2013

As close as I can

Saturday I ran my 8 miles. The 8 miles that were to make me feel like I could actually run 13.1 this coming Sunday. In my head, I still believe I can. Still see myself finishing, yet there are some doubts as to what I can do.

I am having moments where I am loosing my breath and loosing my head while sitting at work. I'm pushing other aspects of my life into an arena that they ought not be. I'm so quiet and so small right now.

I went back and read my post "to remain selfless cold and composed" and everything  makes sense. It doesn't make it easier, it just makes more sense.

I have my plan. Race 4 miles at a time. Refuel each 4 miles. 2 camelbak's worth of drink for the race. Walk more if I need to. Stop if I'm injured.

This quote from that former post sums up a lot of feelings about good things that are happening within my life.
Still, inside there is doubt. It's part of who I am struggling with, part of the "changing the foundation, changes the house".  It feels unnatural to be confident and sure of yourself. So, I'm at odds with it. People can be all sorts of confident for me, but I'm the one who is running.
I want to feel this weight and pressure leave my chest. I want to be OK with being calm.  I looked at my time from the Hudson Mohawk Half Marathon. 3:34:00 My 8 miles came in around 2:20:00, meaning technically I have the ability to match my HMHM time. Really, I just want to come as close as I can.

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