Current Questions: Can you move? and/or Are you OK?

The Woody Walk

If you saw me walking through the hallways at work you would have seen the Woody walk. This kind of odd strut where your legs just flop around. The rest day between classes is meant to recover, and I did that just barely. Walking up the two flights of stairs to my apartment was a little much and when the kittens walked on my sore muscles I thought these guys are better than a foam roller.

Upon arriving at class today I learned I was not the only one doing a modified Woody Walk. A lot of us were. It was nice to hear "Can you move?" and talk to the seasoned participants knowing they were sore as well. We also noticed that we lost a lot of people from the Monday class to today's class. Most of the time it's the soreness and people think it won't go away.

We didn't have long to complain about being sore, we were grabbing weights and heading outdoors. Today was the second part of the fitness test. It involved burpees, push-ups, pull-ups, sprints, grapevines, chest presses and something similar to a wall sit.

Now at 6am, it's a little cold and wet outside. Rocking shorts and a short sleeve race shirt was not the best plan. I found out we go outside every class until it snows. We did the name game but it involved "my name is ______, and my favorite exercise is _________, so we're going to _________ for [insert amount or time]"

I was the second to go and the woman in front of me took jumping jacks and I was like, I don't know any other exercises that I would want to do on pavement in a parking lot. So we ran in place. I'm lame like that. As we went around the circle we did reverse planks, planks, speed skaters, then it got to the dude...

Push ups for 1 minute. I wanted to run across the circle and slap this man silly. I did 8, poorly done, not low enough to really count push ups. My hands also dug right into that pavement. She recommends that we go get weight lifting or bicycling gloves because it will save our hands a bit. I'm also going to need some form of workout pant

I kept going as best as I could. My asthma still hates me today and I want all the foods and nothing that I brought to work today. The Woody Walk is still so present and will probably be there until Friday's class starts. So I'm sure to hear "Are you OK?" a bunch of times at work and will love every second of putting my feet up later.

Sometimes fear makes you unstoppable

I took a trip to the emergency room the other week and it scared the hell out of me. I was at my work computer when all of a sudden it became unrecognizable. I was texting with a friend who is an EMT and told him what was going on. I had partial but not all symptoms of a stroke and he suggested I go get checked out. Everything made me dizzy, my extremities were tingling, I had extreme pain shooting through my head. I didn't know how to get up. My speech pattern was stupefied. I was terrified.

I was given medicine through an IV and for three hours I had no headache and I was exhausted. The one thing that is always repeated to me is that if I lost weight the headache disorder could possibly go away all together. With the amount I had lost previously and was managing to maintain, the pain from the initial diagnosis to now had lessened. I knew I needed to take things seriously again.

I'm still not motivated to run. I think and daydream about running in cold wet weather on the trails in Saratoga State Park but right now those are just daydreams.

I do things because they scare the hell out of me. That is what made me sign up for my first half marathon.  So I signed up for a Boot Camp class at Hudson Valley Community College. It's at 6am every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I was (and still am) scared that I'll suck so badly. That I won't be able to complete everything. That I'll be the last "kid" in the group. Some of those fears were totally there this morning.

However, the instructor is awesome and saw the two new people in the class and was great checking in with us and watching our form. This morning was a fitness test so we could get our starting point numbers. 3 minute step test (fuck you stadium stairs), 8 sets of .20sec lunge press sets with an 8 pound weight, stability T pose, laps around the track, planks, jog to the flag pole, push-offs, and more step ups, followed by jog back to the room.

My asthmatic lungs are feeling it hard. My legs are feeling it too. The instructor also took our body measurements and our body fat percentages and because I suck at finding my pulse I have to do resting heart rate tomorrow (I found an app that uses the camera & flash on your iphone to get your pulse)

Wednesday is a push up test (probably sit ups too). Push ups are why I am taking this class. I was right at 50 push ups in one minute before my accident. I would like to be on my way of getting back there. Right now doing 7 modified push ups tire out my shoulder.

So I might not be writing about running as much but I'll still have something to talk about. I know a lot of my friends are like me, not really loving the idea of taking a class and being around all these other people exercising. In the back of my mind, I want to be able to run a Turkey Trot this year but I'm not going to marry myself to that idea yet. For now,  I'm just going to keep lunging forward and keep stepping up.

A great disappointment

Yesterday's text exchange

Hollie: So some life stuff has been happening. Blood pressure jumped a from 120/70 to 140/82. Lots of stress, loss of appetite. I'm staying hydrated and trying to eat small things but it makes me nervous about The Boilermaker. I walked 7.5 miles this past Sunday and I was fine but I keep going back and forth about deferring (or not going) the race.

J: Your health comes first. If you don't feel ready or think you may jeopardize it on Sunday, then defer. If you think you'll be OK with walking the majority of it , then go. What's the weather supposed to be?

Hollie: Supposed to be in the 70's and raining with 60% humidity. I just started a second anxiety medicine and I've been exhausted but part of me doesn't know if I am just psyching myself out. I did the Firecracker 4 in 1:07:00 so I should be able to do this in 2:30:00

J: Hollie. This is supposed to be for fun. If you are stressing out about it or have too much going on right now, then you are completely undermining the point of doing the run in the first place. It's OK to defer. If doing the run will bring you closer to a happier place, then do it but stop putting so much pressure on yourself over it :) it's simply just a matter of figuring out what you need more of right now. Exercise or relaxation - and giving yourself that gift.

 ___

I have been dreading writing this post because it means several different things to me. I feel like I am giving up, even though I know that is not the case. However, my reason to run can't be because I feel like I will disappoint everyone else. Especially, when I am feeling this way.

Running is a mental sport and mentally I am not there. The Firecracker 4 felt impossible. Yes, I got through it but it wasn't fun at all and I wasn't getting sick then.

I had been dealing with small episodes as the week has carried on. Small attacks, ones that I often just push through. I've taken a lot of time off of work this week going in only once. It's half depression (well grieving) and half physical pain that's happening.

When I look at my life from the last time I was really sick, well everything matches.

There is a part of me that is disappointed in myself. The part that says just go and run the fucking race. Then there is the part of me that is scared. What if it hurts too much, what if I blackout? Because it already hurts to sit in my apartment at the computer screen and my apartment is built for my special needs. It is actually really sunny out as I type this and I have to go to a doctors appointment and I'm dreading the wearing of the sunglasses and hat. Double dorking it just to not hurt while outside.

I know it's stress that is making everything worse. I know I am dealing with it in all the ways I know how to. Asking for medical help, increasing therapy sessions, trying to go out with friends more, resting my body and mind. I know it takes time, and time takes time. I know I've been through this before and I have come out for the better on the other side. It's just sometimes the person that everyone else sees as the strongest champion, sometimes we lose the fight.

I still haven't made my decision. I've got a therapy session and a dinner this evening that I want to go to before I make my choice. At this point I know I can't defer my registration, it would just be the choice not to go. I've never not gone to a race I've registered for. That's why it sits with me as it would be a great disappointment.

Mementos and miles

This post should go up while I'm running the Half Marathon or at least I planned it that way.

There are mantras, mementos,small tricks to fool the brain while you are running. While I run, I keep my thumbs facing up and my hands are loose. I asked for my thumbnail to be painted by someone very special to me. She is the person I imagine I am running to. Often while using the Zombies, Run app to get me through the last few miles, I think about what if she was in danger, hurt, or needed help....that I would run to her. It's cheesy, yes I know this. Still, she painted my thumb deep blue, a color called Afterglow or After Party (if I remember correctly) so while I type here at work it feels a bit weird and odd to have one thumb painted but when I am racing, it will help me know that she is holding my hand. She won't be the only one with me on the race. When I ran the Hudson Half, I liked the idea of running in honor of people and dedicated miles.

Mile 1-2: Keri Fitzgerald
Because she always convinces me that getting started and the first mile are the hardest things to do.

Mile 2-3: Gail Miller
My mom, for asking the other day about a 5K for our church and if I have to sign a waiver for all the races that I run. We're gonna tackle that 5K together, I just haven't told you that yet.

Mile 3-4: Liz Sherwood-Mack
For making me so proud of your couch to 5K journey and seeing you in the last stretch of your first 5K.

Mile 4-5: Jenika Conboy
Even though our paths run parallel and haven't crossed much recently. You are with me on every run because you are the one who let me believe I can do it. I believe in Orange.

Mile 5-6: Carla Capobianco
You have run countless 5K's with me. October, Great Pumpkin 10K, 2013. It's on.

Mile 6-8: My Personal Miles
This is the crossing over to the half way point. It's into the second loop of the course. I will know what lies ahead. I have to believe I am enough to succeed at this.

Mile 8-9: Ed & Kait
My Boilermaker family. 15K conquered in June means the Boilermaker will be plain fun.

Mile 9-10: Mary Whittredge

Mary, this mile is a hill. A hill that I will have run once already. A hill that I won't want to go up. I know I'll hear your voice cheering me on up that hill.

Mile 11-12: Liz Sterling 

This is the most difficult mile for me. It's the mile that killed in the Hudson Half. It's the mile that almost stopped me. It's the mile that I need the most faith & heart. You will help me push forward.

 

Mile 12-13: Joel Tse

In my head, every time I've doubted my finish, I've heard your voice saying "fuck that, you're gonna finish"

I'm gonna finish Joel. I'm gonna finish.

Hide and Seek

Tonight is the night before the eve of the race. What does that mean? Sleeping pills to ensure I get enough rest, phone turned on do not disturb, self-care/self-love, laying out everything I need to travel with.

I'll leave for Plattsburgh tomorrow morning/brunching hour to get up there in time to pick up my race packet. I'll check into my hotel, wait to hear when K & A get into town. Find a dinner place and quite possibly go to the movies. (We always miss out on that with The Boilermaker, but Ed found out where karaoke is last year, so it might be a crazy night this year)

There are a couple of ways to track me during the race. If you are my friend on Facebook or Twitter you will see Hollie started a run post with RunKeeper and you should be able to click on it and track me.

My Runkeeper profile is: http://runkeeper.com/user/hollie.miller/profile

The other way is by tracking the race on runkeeper:
http://runkeeper.com/race/biggest-loser-half-marathon-36967/63328

During the Hudson Half family & friends loved being able to find out where I was on the course.

Goals of the race:
1. No injuries
2. Under 4 hours
3. Finish

Minature goals (a.k.a. I won't be sad if I don't achieve them)
1. Finish in 3:30:00 or less
2. Try for 3 kills in the last mile
3. Get a corny finish photo with my medal at the official backdrop

The race starts by 8:10am. I hope to be finished, medal'ed, and recovering by noon.

As close as I can

Saturday I ran my 8 miles. The 8 miles that were to make me feel like I could actually run 13.1 this coming Sunday. In my head, I still believe I can. Still see myself finishing, yet there are some doubts as to what I can do.

I am having moments where I am loosing my breath and loosing my head while sitting at work. I'm pushing other aspects of my life into an arena that they ought not be. I'm so quiet and so small right now.

I went back and read my post "to remain selfless cold and composed" and everything  makes sense. It doesn't make it easier, it just makes more sense.

I have my plan. Race 4 miles at a time. Refuel each 4 miles. 2 camelbak's worth of drink for the race. Walk more if I need to. Stop if I'm injured.

This quote from that former post sums up a lot of feelings about good things that are happening within my life.

Still, inside there is doubt. It's part of who I am struggling with, part of the "changing the foundation, changes the house".  It feels unnatural to be confident and sure of yourself. So, I'm at odds with it. People can be all sorts of confident for me, but I'm the one who is running.

I want to feel this weight and pressure leave my chest. I want to be OK with being calm.  I looked at my time from the Hudson Mohawk Half Marathon. 3:34:00 My 8 miles came in around 2:20:00, meaning technically I have the ability to match my HMHM time. Really, I just want to come as close as I can.

having all the things.

When it comes to running this season, I sure have been making some decisions I wouldn't have last year. That whole sign up for a half marathon to motivate you to run more thing.....yeah. I need to attempt eight miles this Saturday. It's my goal to get up early, run my 8 and make it home to watch the Freihofer's Run for Women 5K and cheer on some of my friends who are running.

I feel like if I can get through eight miles then 13.1 seems more feasible.

I'm worried about hurting myself. About over extending myself on very little training. My longest run has been six miles, longest collection of miles in one day is seven miles. I'm not thrilled with myself about running such a long distance so close to my half marathon. Still, in the back of my head I've got 5.5 hours to complete this half if i need it. It's a 22 minute mile pace that is needed and I can walk at about an 18 minute mile. I know I can walk it if i need to. I did the 4/4/5 plan in my mind. Run 4 miles, walk 4 miles, run 5 miles. (using "run" as really a walk run ratio of 4:1)

My desk as my liter bottle of water and 20oz of watery gatorade and a very small 8oz coffee cup.

It will take me about 2 hours to run my 8 miles.Sunrise is at 5:20 am so I should be OK with the 5:45am up and out the door to the Colonie Town Park part of the bike path. My camelbak should be enough and I'll debate putting the extra bottles in the pack.

I don't know why I haven't gotten serious about running this season. I'm running The Boilermaker and i'm always conscious of what I'm doing the week before. I always end up being sober steve at Chad's birthday party. This year I have a very fun event scheduled the day before The Boilermaker. I can not drink at the event, that's not so big to me but dancing and being on my feet for a good few hours, then driving out to Utica later in the evening, well it just feels strange.

Last year i wouldn't have thought twice about it. I put running first. I put my goal of finishing a half marathon first before anything. I still like running. i guess I'm just putting my happiness first. Spending time with friends, being in more shows, going off on more adventures. It all seems like so much more fun. I think there is a part of me that wants to see what happens when I feel under-prepared. I've seen friends run races hungover or on three hours of sleep. I want to see how close I can get to having all the things. it might backfire, I might get hurt, hell I might even succeed.

I squeak out 4 miles tonight (either indoors or outdoors depending on the thickness of the air) and then Saturday morning I've got an early o'clock date with my running shoes.

Foundations need time to settle.

I ran four miles and then I got on a plane. It sounds crazy, almost like the start of a cheesy movie. I was hoping at some point along the race that I wouldn't feel as shitty mentally as I was.

I ran the Rabbit Ramble 4 mile race as the first race of my spring season. It was a nice race course, challenging enough but easy enough too. The sun was really bright that day despite the chill and sting from the wind that morning. I ran into Ed, Kait, and Kait's mom and we all walked up to the starting line together. Ed mentioned the intervals they were doing.

I hadn't even thought about that. I have been running the full time with each run that I have done so I haven't shifted back to an interval walk/run method yet. I know I'll have to because I'm starting to get up there in mileage. But I ran the entire Rabbit Ramble, and that is big for me. There were moments in the race that I'm pissed off about. Mainly the one running who had already finished her race and lapped me on her extra milage, she did proper running courtesy and said left loud enough to pass me but also loud enough for the two women I was getting ready to pass to hear, which caused them to start running, instead of run/walking. Those two women also walked the entire race until I passed them once.

I know there is nothing wrong with coming in as the dead last finish but it still sucks.

Ed and Kait came back to run me in, which is ALWAYS appreciated. However, there was an over exuberant girl who was cheering me on by cheering, running fast past me and cheering again. I might have smiled at you in the race but in my mind I was tripping you kid. Trust me.

I sprinted out my finish, as I always seem to do and I came in under an hour, which was my goal for the race. We headed back in and they were doing raffle give a way's, Ed won something.

I booked it out of there, got home, showered and then headed to the airport. I had debated taking my running shoes & clothes with me but i reminded myself this was supposed to be about rest. I still ended up walking about 4 miles on already tired legs the next day. But I haven't run since.

It's nice out today. I have a wedding later. I could just go and run right now. My body is telling me not to. My mind has said, you'll run tomorrow because it's supposed to be closer to 60 degrees out. It's telling me, you have no rehearsals next week so you can run three times next week. The mind is indeed the largest muscle you have to flex in order to run. My mind is not in a good place and it is terrifying to admit that.

Looking at last years stats, I matched March's number of runs at 8 runs during the month. Last Year in April, I had 10 runs. So that's the goal for April. Ten runs or more. The real goal is increasing my mileage at a steady rate but I don't want to think about the hours spent running for that. As it is, today was supposed to be 5 miles. Tomorrow, I'll try to run 4 again and do 5K's the rest of the week for my distance and I'll go up to 5 next week.

Plattsburgh, I just need a 22min per mile pace to finish the half marathon before it closes. I know I can do that. I know even just walking I'm at least 18 mins per mile. Maybe all of that will get me excited. Maybe the sunny weather will start to help. Maybe I'll find the right people to run with.

Just keep moving forward. Things will find the spaces they need to settle.

The Break Up

Friday after I presented at my conference, I was able to get dinner & drinks and enjoy the company of a "first time caller, long time reader" new friend. She also runs and while we were getting to know each other and ask lots of questions about careers, family, friends, etc. we happened to talk about running a lot. I talked about the fact that I have 12 days until I run the Rabbit Ramble 4 mile race. While technically I know I can do it, the mental battle is what is the worst part.

It made a big difference for me. Talking about running, thinking about running. I told her that if she hadn't seen a run posted to my Facebook Saturday that she had full permission to "yell" at me. So I made the decision Saturday to go back to my parents house, do laundry, and run the full 3 miles my schedule told me I had to do. Along the way, I had gotten text messages asking what was I doing, asking if I wanted to meet up for St. Patrick's parties, etc. It all hit me again. The metaphor.

I had to "break up" with theater. Now, there are all kinds of break-ups. I'm sure we all know this. In real life, I'm usually a jerk. I usually just go cold turkey and cut off all connections. However, this break-up with theater has been going on for ever. I planed on ending it after Laramie. You know, having a good nice time and just giving it a good closure. I was ready for that. Then, there were favors, opportunities, friendships, that all just seemed to happen one right after another. When I would walk away, she'd pull me back in for more and I would stay, even though I knew I was unhappy with staying.

But see running wasn't around really, I mean she was there but she was quiet and waiting her turn but I couldn't see her, couldn't hear her, so I kept choosing theater over running. I also kept choosing theater over (non-theater) friendships. I didn't like that. So, last night while with theater friends (and seeing Lucky Stiff at Russell Sage) I declared it. I said it out loud. I am breaking up with theater. She has to be patient and wait her turn again. Fall & Winter are her times. Spring & Summer, well I have a different commitment I have to honor.

A commitment to myself.

Winter blues & bruises

Winter Route

So Wednesday marked the start of my running season and just like everything else in my life, I am currently not excited about it. It's still winter outside, still cold, still snow on the ground. So it makes running at the Saratoga State Park so boring. It's reminiscent of last year, starting out in March, running up to the clubhouse, back past the theater, and then usually up the avenue of the pines. (I was able to do the path past the hotel)

I've been running the entire time with each run on the treadmill and I tried it outside the other day. It sucked balls. My left shin tightened up instantly where it always does. It's the sheath around the muscle, it's also me starting out too fast. I know it's OK to go back to run/walk. I know I could do 4/1 with no problem. I just have to get out the little gym boss timer again and make sure to have AAA batteries.

The run the other day and the stiffness in the left shin afterwards makes me wonder about my orthopedic inserts. I've got new shoes that I can swap into as well, but my current shoes don't have enough miles on them for me to need to swap them out. I also keep thinking about getting "the stick" but then I remember I can't even force myself to foam roller when I really should.

I think it's also I'm fighting the fact that before I never thought I could and well now I know I can, so what's my motivation (besides that whole be healthy thing and take death off the line) Also, because I don't know where I fit in. I still feel like I hold my running friends back because of my pace and I'm too fast for friends who are just starting to run. I don't fit in with many running groups because of my health, pace, walk/run issues. It's why I had trouble with USAFit and why I hardly find myself participating with Albany Running Exchange. When you are slow and you hear these other people say yeah we're slow too, like 13 min paces and the fastest you've ever run for like one mile is 13:30, let alone try to keep that up for multiple miles. Well you just start to feel like you don't fit in.

So this season, it's back to individual training and catching a few group runs once my schedule lightens up. I know I'll feel a bit more pressure to be into running & training once registration opens for the Palio Half Marathon. I have the Rabbit Ramble 4 mile coming up at the end of the month and I'm estimating 54 minutes but I'll be happy to just complete it. I'm hoping it will remind me of what it feels like and remind me why I run.

In going back and looking at all my posts in March for 2011 & 2012, it all starts off this way. Me being wishy washy, figuring out my goals as I go along. I even posted the same winter map route back in 2011. So  Hello March and Hello Half Marathon Training. Let's try and be friends and I'll try to put my winter blues and bruises away OK?

Coming out of hibernation

I was planning on just taking a few weeks off, maybe even a month after my last race in December 15th. I had gotten sick on Christmas and it lasted through the new year.

January 13th & 15th I got out there and ran. The next week I followed that up too. Then I stopped. I had gotten sick again and started a new show.

Plus, I just wasn't motivated to run. (I'm still not motivated to run)

From January to February I've run a total of 14 miles. Most of those are due to using the Run, Zombies! App.

I'm on mission 6 now. While I enjoy it so much more when I can run with this outside, it does make the time pass quickly on the treadmill.

I had a friend email me and ask if I would be blogging again. It was nice to know someone liked reading my stuff. It was even nicer to have some external motivation to start up my running season in a serious manner.

Still, I would like some intrinsic motivation. I know I won't be joining USAfit this year and I'm unsure what my half marathon training will actually look like. I'm unsure of a lot of things truthfully.

I signed up for the Rabbit Ramble 4mile race at the end of this month. My official training starts next week, although I've been running 2 miles at least twice a week the past week or so.

I feel like I've put on a lot of weight lately. I don't know how much damage I've done. Running used to help me with anger but it never has really helped with the sadness. It helped keep the sadness at bay when I ran all the time but getting out of this slump, of not emotionally hurting in the downtime. That's the hard part.

It is hard to say that I don't care but that is all I want to say lately and I have to fight that. Fighting that and the pavement at the same time, well it's a challenge I have to fight through and I just want to hibernate.

And when I dream I run...

When I was a kid growing up, the SNICK show Roundhouse was like a dream come true for a budding improv actress & singer to watch. It was like all the stuff I wanted to do. I sang the theme song as my warmup (still do to this day, as superstition subscribes). There was this one song from the episode SPORTS that always stuck with me. This year, the song has echoed many moments for me.

They call me foolish one, for dreaming all the time. Races I will never run. But I wish (I wish) I could tell them how, my dreaming makes me feel. It may be true. I can't win now. They say I never will but I can dream, and when I dream I run. If I know that I can do it, it's as good as done and I know (I know), things are never hopeless as they seem, but it won't worry me, as long as i can dream. Hey look I'm running now. I'm really getting fast, I'm moving like the wind. I'm going to run my race, at last. I know that I can win. Cause I can dream and when I dream I run. If I know that I can do it it's as good as done, and I know (I know) that things are never hopeless as they seem, but it won't worry me, as long as I can dream.

 

2011-2012 mileage totals.

313.7 miles of running, 6.7 miles of walking (mostly to get my car after an evening of drinking)

How do I feel about that?

It leaves me proud but unsure.

That is what the thought of me running over 338.1 miles this running season has done to me. I often start my season in March and run all the way though December. This year I am questioning when I should pick up my training again. I say that perhaps I’ll pick it up after my birthday in January. I mean I’ve run outside in the snow before, as March is usually still snow covered grass months.  I also think about snowshoeing, especially since the Saratoga state park lets you rent snowshoes and there are trails in the park that I love, and many new ones that open up due to the blankets of snow.

However, my lacklustre attitude is stemming from the fact that I’ve been sick since almost thanksgiving. I’ve been on antibiotics since the beginning of December and I’ve been fighting a sinus and kidney infection. Most of my energy had been previously provided by sugar and caffeine. Two things that I was starting to get worried about my massive amounts of consumption.  

See, I had planned for a break, that from October to December, I would just run for fun and just have that and Laramie Project rehearsals. However, an opportunity presented itself. To stage manage and have it be a paid position. When I had said yes, only the show dates had been given to me, I thought I’d just be calling a show in order to give my friend a break, I didn’t know it was the whole things start to finish, so at the time,  it fit into my schedule and gave me a bit of time to rest still. That was until I asked about rehearsals and found out that my rest time was no longer there.

There were some days I was waking up early to run, going into work from 9-5, and then driving right to rehearsal at 6pm, from Sunday to Thursday. Then having my schedule shift from Thursday’s – Sunday’s for the show…While it worked for the actors and the directors, it didn’t really work for me, so I was swept up into a rigorous schedule maybe three weeks after my half marathon. The show, theatre, and actors were a great experience and I enjoyed my time there. It’s just that my body did not enjoy the time.

I lived off caffeine and faster food options.  Sundays & Tuesdays, I rehearsed for Laramie. It left me with the occasional Friday or Wednesday open. While I wanted to sleep, I kept having to cancel social engagements left and right with people. So I started feeling the need to schedule in relationships. Everything was pre-planned, arranged, and blocked out for weeks, everything except rest.

I thought I was getting better through my first round of antibiotics but Christmas Day came and so did a second round of sickness. I called in and took the rest of the week of using y vacation time. I tried for two days to be a trooper and then I called my parents to come and get me and take care of me. I couldn’t make decisions, couldn’t cook for myself, and couldn’t travel further than 100 feet.

So I know I’ve got to take a break. I’ve got to be OK with not running right now. I’ve got to be OK without knowing what races I want to run this next year. There are many staples to my race season and I am not sure if I’ll get to run them this coming year. So I’ve got to find new things, new races, new ways and places to run.

I’ve got miniature goals I am dreaming about, being able to fully run (not run/walk) a 10K, running the BoF again, finding a half marathon to run, seeing if I can run a 10K in 80 minutes, I’d like to do the trail running series with ARE. I like keeping track of  how many people around me start to get into running and August 2013, which is if I stay on track with just my food journaling, is the projected month for me to hit my big goal of weight loss.

So I’ve got some goals, I just can’t really think about all of them. I need to just rest.

And if you know me, that is my biggest challenge.

Get the motherfucking PR

I'm running a random 5K tomorrow. Saratoga Springs Firefighters Veteran's Day 5k. Spur of the moment decision of the week. Honestly, $30 race fee makes me feel better than $30 at the bar. So it's money well spent since my life does not feel like my own right now.

So this 5K, while I will have a friend at the race, is to see how much I can push myself by myself. I don't think I can come close to the 35 min false 5K PR time but I do think I can beat the 41 minute PR. I want to try and break 40 minutes.

Since I'm on my own and within the Saratoga State Park, I am ok with using headphones and music. So I created a playlist titled "Get the motherfucking PR". The tempo of the playlist should have me pushing a 12/13 minute mile most of the race. Is that fast for me, yes, way fast. But I asked Jenika what our pace was during the Maddie's Mark 5K and she told me "According to my Garmin, our avg. pace was 12:43.  The first mile was 12:24, second was 13:06 and last, had it been a full mile, was on target for a 12:40."

If you want the playlist, or just want to listen along, check it out on my 8tracks.com account or it's embedded below

Get the motherfucking PR from holliemiller on 8tracks Radio.

A little light in the loafers

Dapper Dan Strikes Again!

It's taken a bit of time, 2.5 years to be specific but I earned a super important badge over this past week. That, coupled with feeling like the most dashing of dapper gentlemen with the suit that used to be too small now fitting just right. Well, it makes me feel good.

Badges, maybe I do need those stinkin badges.

However, my great news doesn't stop there. I last wrote about how I didn't know if I would run The Great Pumpkin 5K or if I'd just cheer on Kathy. The game day decision was to run it and that if things hurt, that I'd walk more of it. I forgot to pack my GPS watch and my gymboss timer, so I couldn't do intervals. I figured I'd just run until I couldn't. I ended up running the first mile the whole way and thanks to people next to me found out that I did it in about 13 minutes. My 5K PR time was 44 mins, back in the day from the first time I did the Troy Turkey Trot. When I came around the corner for the finish line, the clock just turned 43:00 so I sprinted it. When I got my results, it was awesome. I had set a new PR for a 5K. 41:21. My goal was to have broken my 5K PR by the December run. I set a new bar. Run a 5K in under 40 minutes.

Great Pumpkin 5K

My foot hurt a bit after The Great Pumpkin 5K but I nursed it back to health and knew that I would be running another 5K at the end of the weekend. This one would be a challenge because I was sick Monday & Tuesday. Did I say sick, maybe I should rephrase it. I was medically exhausted. I woke up only for a total of 2 hours each day in order to eat. My lungs were heavy from the remnants of battling sickness & exhaustion. I was using my rescue inhaler and my steroid inhaler. I thought, great, this run is going to be awesome. I knew I'd see Jenika at the race and I was looking to break 40 minutes, so I knew I needed to keep a 13 minute pace to do so. She asked me if I'd like her to pace me and I said yes. She's tough as nails and knows too many ways to trick me into running harder. Never telling me my times, kind of telling me my distances left, pointing out people to "kill", making me have to catch her....all tricks of her trade. 

As we approached the finish line (which I had a negotiation of when to start running again [top of hill or flagpole]) I saw the clock and am pretty sure I dropped an F-Bomb. Jenika told me to gradually increase the speed to the finish and then told me to sprint it out and was shocked by my sprinting. I crossed the finish line, blowing away the 41:21 from the previous weekend. I actually was there when they started handing out awards. [I've never made it to an awards ceremony, I've always still been running]

Maddie' Mark 5K

On the Albany Running Exchange Facebook page, there was some debate on if the race course was actually 3.1 miles. Everyone's GPS came in short (2.7), including Jenika's. So there is this doubt within me, that I still had .4 miles left to run.  I've got the Turkey Trot and the Last Run in my schedule still and I may try to find a race to throw in Veteran's Day weekend. 

It's funny, because I went back and looked at my old journal to see when I started my serious lifestyle change. It was September 2009. My short term goal was to run 1 mile and my long term goal was to be able to run 3 miles. If I could only go back and tell that Hollie, that she would and could do all this. Perhaps, that's why I write these posts. So some other "Hollie" out there can see that it's possible. 

Sometimes, I do stop and look at how amazing it is. So Troy Turkey Trot, I'm coming at you. I'm gunning for as close to that 35 minutes as I can get, running the entire race. Then Albany's Last Run, I want to try and push it and break a new PR.

13 Days

You are supposed to take off one day for every mile after you run a big race. 13.1 miles = 13 days. Which is good because my doctor had said 2 weeks no running. I had a possible soft tissue injury and needed to keep impact to a minimum. So I attempted biking and some weights. I used to be so proficient biking on a recumbent machine. It's hard that I actually like mine over the fancy ones at the gym. Too bad it's permanent home is at my parents for now. (I don't have space for it, nor do I want to carry that beast up two flights of stairs)

Today Tiny Buddha hit me with three articles that struck right to the core of what I have been thinking and feeling lately.

You Will Not be the Same Person When you Achieve your Goal
How to Free Yourself from the Cycle of Social Fear
Learning to Stop Clinging to People: Know That You Are Loved

 

Those 13 days spent "resting", were more like 13 days "just not running". Work has changed. I've become bolder, more confident in my skills, more honest with my intelligence. I gave a presentation to my whole building explaining what my team does and how it's a viable profession. I got a lot of positive feedback, not only on the content but on my presentation skills. I managed to bring a committee conversation that was getting off topic back to where it needed to be by politely shutting down a very difficult faculty member. The position I've been dreaming & scheming of being created here is potentially possible and I made it very clear that my intentions were to apply for it. The media lab I manage is expanding and I am in charge of some really big items now.

All of this however has been taking it's toll on me. I'm on the verge of getting the sickness everyone else had last week. I'm "living on a latte and a prayer" (that whole song is really how I feel currently) . I'm fighting my inner demons left and right. Fighting the fear that success is something I can't handle.

All through training I knew what my priorities were. Run, eat healthy, stay hydrated. My social life struggled, my theater world put on hold, work was a necessary evil. I like that life. It is hard to admit that. Now that I have to start to bring things & friendships back into my life, it's just fucking hard.

This is my November:

This is my schedule and I haven't even put all of the rehearsals in for the show I'm stage managing and if I get into a show I'm auditioning for in November, well that somehow has to fit on the calendar too. Plus, I'm preparing to teach this January term (so it's reading the chapters and looking at the assignments in advance)

I had to run from work to a read through rehearsal last night. I had 20 minutes to get food and eat it. Like an addict to its dealer, I went right to McDonald's. I always talked to my running friends about a theater lifestyle, how different they are. Now, I'm facing trying to have all three things at the same time. My healthy life choices, success at work, and a vivid theater life. It is terrifying. Its also doing all this and trying to reach out to my core group of friends, instead of depending on just one or two people. I'm exhausted and I don't have a break until next Thursday evening.

I'll run a 5K tomorrow. Tomorrow marks the 13th day. I know it's not the smartest way to come back but it's my favorite local race. I might be even slower than usual, or I might have to walk more of it than I want but that's what happens when you are coming back into the fold. It's also Kathy's first 5K, so I'm super excited for her. It's nice to have that perspective.

As my friend told me. Deep Breath, PB & J, Letterman, repeat. I'm throwing in Chocolate Milk in there for good measure too. I guess I'm training for Life now. Boy, I thought a half marathon was tough.

My first half marathon

So many options

I had laid out and packed all of my stuff for the race the night before. Jenika was picking me up at 7am the next morning to bring me to the start line. I had gotten up, checked email and checked Facebook. I got the nicest and most unexpected Facebook message from Keri F., it made me smile and started my day off well.

Everything I did yesterday was as by the book from my training as it could be. 20oz of water upon awaking. Almond butter on my pumpkin spice waffles. Vaseline all over my feet. I got ready and bit by bit it started to shape together. I put my orange bandana on and looked at myself in the mirror and said "this is what a half marathoner looks like."

I waited for Jenika to pick me up out on the street. I had in showtunes on my little ipod so I could try and have my nerves calm down. We parked at the start line and as crossing the street I hear Mary Wit. shout from her car hello at me. It was chilly out, which was great for the race but sucked for the waiting around. For a bit it was just Jenika and I waiting around. All around us "running gangs" started to form. So many runners know each other and it was more than evident as the day went along. Soon, Colleen, Mary W, Nooch, and Kim (Mrs. Nooch) found their way to us and our own little running gang was formed. Ed and Kate and Kate's parents were all around too. (I'm waiting for the official running gang photo to come so I can put it on my work desk)

They were all really good about my hugging rule, they let me come in for the hugs. It was a hug-a-palooza.

I couldn't help but compare emotions to the half starting line to the boilermaker starting line. it's really different. The half, while longer and harder for different reasons was full of nerves. The boilermaker, is still nerves but it's more logistics that I'm always worried about.

It was eerie quiet during the Star Spangled Banner and we walked up to the start, almost all of us pressing our watches, and then started off running. I had a plan. Break the race down into 4 mile long races. Officially, I didn't have a time goal. Unofficially, I knew what I wanted to beat was at least 3:30:00. I started out with my fleece on since Jenika said she'd be a few miles down to grab things from everyone. I told myself I HAD to stick to my intervals. HAD TO. I did for the most part, there was never a time where I walked both intervals, but there were a few times when I ran 7:30 instead of 3 mins run, 1:30 walk, 3 mins run.

The Handoff (the chatty ladies in the background)

Once I got onto the actual bike path, I knew I'd be a lot better. I remember the tunnels would be there, I could think back to the training day we ran the first 2 miles on the start of the half route. There were these two ladies who were in front of me. I knew that I would collect those "kills". I had just passed them as I came up upon the spot where Jenika was hanging out. She started to cheer spell my name. Quite embarrassing but quite lovely at the same time. I handed off my fleece and then quickly stated I wanted to stay in front of these two ladies because they would not shut up on the course.I kept running and was approaching the last tunnel. There was this car over the top of it that was honking. Then I saw that damn orange cap from out the window and I just laughed and waved and kept running.

My intervals made it really close for the chatty ladies to catch back up to me. The one woman (the pregnant one) asking if I went to Mount Holyoke. I assured her I didn't. Then she stated they were just going to follow my lead, that I would be their pacer. I didn't say anything because I was saved by a run interval. They were looking for a porta potty. I knew there was one coming soon. We were out of the first 4 miles and I saw one, on the side of the road, at the beginning of the city 4 miles. It was all downhill, I knew they would stop, I knew it was my chance to screw the intervals and keep running to put some distance between us. The volunteers at this stop were having a competition on who was going to give away more things. I remember the one girl saying "but it would make me feel better" - it was just really poor logic on her part. At the bottom of the hill I had my first surprise. My mom, dad, brother and Krystal were at the bottom of the hill. My dad put a water bottle in my pack for me and I kept running.

Before the race, while looking at the route, I thought the 4 miles on the city roads were going to be the most difficult for me. It was the reverse, it was my favorite part of the race really. Kathy & James were on the side of the road and I picked up a gatorade from them. The traffic and the intersection were an odd and interesting challenge. One car blew right past a cop telling them to stop, it was great when he was turning my direction. Another guy at a gas station played the I can pull out faster than you can run game with me. But at 6.5 miles the volunteer holding traffic said, you are half way finished. I shouted "IS THIS 6.5 MILES?" and she said "YEAH"

Splits from the half

The whole time I knew that I would need to keep a 16:01 average pace in order to finish before 3:30. At each mile my runkeeper went off telling me my pace & total time. I was astonished when I hit mile seven. I was doing really well with my pace. A few nights before the race I looked at my old 12 mile training run. My splits were all over the place. So I knew I needed to keep up the pace the entire race. Joel had sent me a nice note over email that said, "if you reach the point where you just want to walk, say fuck that and keep your arms pumping."So I just kept doing that. I didn't think about my feet, I just thought about my arms.

I saw my family once again at the 7 or 7.5 mark and when my brother said "you're halfway there!" I shouted back "MORE than HALF!" Mile 8 started back into the bike path and the Kinderhook Running Club housed the water station just prior, they were great sports. Mile 8 to 9 was just pretty, I really think it's the only time on the course that I actually looked around. Just prior to hitting the 8 mile mark, the motorcycle leading the first marathon leader passed me. The rest of the race it was just a lot of men passing me, then a few ladies, then I lost count.

Miles 9.5 to 11 were hard.  I was passed by power walkers, who didn't know to get out of the way for marathoners and stayed two abreast the entire time. I knew I'd see USAFit coach Jennie at the Team in Training water stop which was around mile 11, I think. I heard Cheryl shout out first and then I couldn't help but smile. Dude with the wig and mickey mouse hands, thank you for the high five.

Jennie, Cheryl and Jeff all gave me big high fives and shouted me through the water stop. It was awesome, and just what I needed at that moment. All of the signs at the water stop started to make me cry. It made me think about the organization itself and what they do and they people they do it for. It also made me think of Team in Training Brooklyn, so Rachel & Joel - you were there in spirit with me!

There is just something about Orange

It was all about the arm pumping to get to mile twelve. My achilles was killing me, there was a bit of tension right at the back of my right heel. Mile twelve to thirteen was a dedicated mile for me. I planned on only having one mile be dedicated. Both Joel and Jenika helped talk me through a lot of hard things during my half marathon training. A lot of technical things and a lot of personal things. When I got to mile marker 12, I knew the next mile was for both of them.

The only prescription is a little more cowbell

During that mile, I ran into Jula. There was a sweet pink kids bmx bike next to her and I asked her if it was her ride. She walked besides me and sang the Rocky theme song. I was getting closer to the finish line. I HEARD COWBELLS! I saw Mary Wit. and Kerry shouting for me. I was all big smiles.

At this point in the half you are like "ok, where the hell is the finish line?" You know it's close but you can't see it. I had people all around shouting out "Looking good 2601" (All I could hear was 24601 and think am I Jean Valjean?)

Running right at you Jenika

The finish shute is lined with spectators. I focused on the finish and then all of a sudden, I see a person step out. It's a white fleece and an ORANGE HAT! Then I was like, who the hell just stepped in front of Jenika, then in my head I was like that's Kathleen & Nik! I saw Carla and Chad, and Kathy, James, & Collette and my family. They all stepped back and I just ran straight at Jenika. She was taking pictures. I asked her as I passed "Where the hell is the finish line?' and she just pointed. The clock said something around 2:23:30. I was freaking out. The announcer said my name and I put both my hands in the air. I finished and I blew my goal time away.

My official net time was 3:22:53, 10 people were (behind) eaten by zombies before me. 

Superhero's always smile

I got my superhero cape a.k.a emergency space blanket and the woman placed my medal around my neck saying congratulations Hollie. It was at this point that I literally didn't know what the hell to do next. I hoped people would come and find me because I literally could not think for myself. Jula handed me a water, Jenika gave me my coat and I reapplied the space blanket. I saw Marey at the results table and she gave me a big ol hug and was so excited for me. 

Everyone did find me and I gave hugs all around. I kept looking at Jenika saying, I don't know what I am supposed to do. After I said all my goodbyes to friends and family, we made the walk back to the car. I wanted to walk because I didn't want my legs to be super stiff, as I knew I had stairs to conquer back at my apartment. 



I can't explain everything that happened at the race (even though this is a long post) and I'm not sure I want to explain everything that happened. It was hard work and it was just awesome.

I cannot say thank you enough.

Tracker Jacker

If you want to track me on my race on Sunday you can go to the activities tab at my runkeeper profile. The race starts at 8:30am and I'll finish somewhere between 11-12.

http://runkeeper.com/user/hollie.miller

Tomorrow I'll go over and pick up my race bib and then lay out every possible clothing choice I'll have to make on game day Sunday. It's gone from 70%, to 50%, to now 30% chance of rain on Sunday, so this threw a few wrenches in my race gear.

So I've got to lay out a rain race outfit, a cold race no rain outfit, and an average normal temperature run outfit. While I know I'm glad I'm not doing this race in like July, this whole rain, fog, low barometric pressure junk is a whole other beast. 

Am I excited? At this point I'm not sure. I know I will be on race day. I'm telling myself after mile 7 to just enjoy the run because I'm half way through.

My shin has been tight the past two weeks so my foam roller & ball and I have been in an exclusive relationship with each other the past few nights. I've been gradually increasing my carbohydrate consumption during the week so I didn't have to eat a huge thing of pasta the evening before. I can now understand why I try to limit this normally, because it makes me want to eat anything and everything. I'm just going to get raspberry pancakes & potatoes on Saturday morning and then just eat a normal dinner.

I have this calm feeling about everything.  I'm still nervous but I can't do anything to change my readiness for the race. If anything, I know to just keep moving my arms and my feet will follow.

If you plan on being at the race to cheer me on you can use the tracker above to let you know when I'm approaching where you are at. If you don't plan on being at the race, maybe you'll be around when I have my celebratory cheeseburger. I plan on eating every one of the 2015 calories estimated that I'll burn. 

Now Hollie, all you need to remember are all the other rules of Zombieland and pretend that you are in a horror movie or the hunger games.

32 Discordant Metronomes

Science fact; If you put metronomes together on a moveable surface, they will eventually sync up and all be at the same tempo.

When I first started to run without music, I hated it. I disliked the silence that was always surrounding me while I ran. I could hear everything. Sometimes I still run with ear buds in my ear playing a good selection of music. Sometimes I make playlists for races to keep me in the right beats/steps per minute.

As I've continued to run this season, I've gone without music more often. Mostly as a way to recognize my pace without the use of a GPS watch. I started to notice how my breathing matched my footfalls and where my arm swing landed when taking a breath. I could hear my feet slap heavily when my body would reach the point of exhaustion.

I make a slight noise when I am running at a quicker pace, or if I'm focusing on my running. I vocally push forward my exhale. My exhale and footfalls create a metronome like state. I can focus in and get completely lost but if I am running with other people or within a race, I hear their rhythm. It will throw off my pace slightly, same with if I'm friendly and say hello. It makes me nervous for the half. I don't want to spend all my gas at the beginning, matching everyone else's rhythm. It also makes me nervous for when the super fast and fast marathoner's will start to pass me. I don't want to speed up to their tempo because I am hearing it all around me. I needed something to focus me.

These past few runs I have gone back and "beat" things that were difficult to me when I started running. I "beat" the "hills" in Saratoga Springs State Park, that I often was intimidated by. Last year I made it up one little hill (because more seasoned runners would call these small hills, I call them big hills - but not BOF hills) That one hill has a short downhill and then another hill. When I ran it on Saturday I wasn't afraid of it, I was excited for the challenge and I left my intervals behind and used the time to run up the hills.

Last night I went back to the crossings. I knew I had a 30 minute easy run scheduled. I knew keeping my pace, I should be able to get two miles in. About two loops of the yellow trail. I knew I run a 15 minute mile. I wondered if I could run it, not walk/run but run the full 15 minutes. I know. I'm not supposed to do anything different, I'm not supposed to change anything. Still I have to do things to shut up my own doubts. So I ran the first loop, ran the whole thing. Then I walked the backside of the Ciccotti Center to catch my breath and continued to run.

Why was this important to me? Last year at this time of year, I couldn't run the entire yellow trail. I could only run/walk it. I would be happy when a walk interval came at the bottom of the "hills" on the yellow trail. On one of our timed 5K's with BeRunning, Mary was right at the top of those hills shouting encouraging words to me. Every time I run those little hills, I think of her right at the top. This time, I did it and was smiling the whole time, mentally high fiving Mary.

On the second time around, I was faced with faster people on the trail throwing me off, or the largest congregation of dogs with friendly owners saying hello. My brain started thinking I couldn't run the half. I knew I needed to get rid of that thought. I started in with my metronome adding the words "I.CAN.DO.THIS" I kept going. After saying it a few times, I realized how easy it would be to change can to can't during the race. So I changed it. I started chanting inside "I.WILL.DO.THIS." It started on the back part of the yellow trail, the part a little bit before the post, near the gazebo close to the bathrooms. I kept going until I finished.

It felt nice. Not to just believe I am in better shape than last year but to actually experience it. Others can say it, can tell me I am ready. I just needed Saturday's run and last night's run to prove it to myself. Thursday's run will be my last before the race, I just want that run to be pretty (if it's possible) and relaxing.

Race day will come and I will line up and I will do this.

to remain selfless, cold and composed

Anxiety: A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

Visually, every time I think about anxiety and being anxious I think of the Alvin and The Chipmunks episode 30b Court Action. See, Alvin's plagiarized his paper and he's got a big basketball game coming up. Theodore is the judge in the student court trial of Alvin. Simon, keeps telling him to do what is right. Theodore has a crazy dream performance of Pat Benatar's song Anxiety. In my mind, I'm running down a floating keyboard and my head is indeed a basketball. 

Why am I anxious? The Hudson Mohawk Half Marathon is this coming Sunday. I've got three small training runs left on my schedule. Now, I'm playing a purely mental game. I went out for my long run on Saturday, tackling 5 miles. The first 3.1 of that run felt like crap. My shin was tight, my legs were heavy, my desire to run was not particularly strong but the last few miles of my run felt good. Every time I run in the Saratoga Spa State Park, I think about where I was last year. How I was fearful and avoided the hills on East West road and the Picnic Loop. Now, I go up them slowly but I run up. It's the small things that have me feeling accomplished.

I am no stranger to this feeling, it's similar to stage fright. I am hardly ever vocal about performance anxiety. You can't "see" that I am scared, I just get quiet. Though I've put in the time, I'm always fearful of forgetting a line of a song, or a cue line. It's happened before and I'm pretty decent in figuring out how to get out of a jam. Still, that feeling of worry because you don't know what will happen is one of the worst feelings alive.

I've tried visualization about the race. Imagining the route, watching the video, I've even driven the rate route (well the main roads of it) I've got my hydration plan down, I'll need to fill my pack possibly two times, and I'll have three gels in my bag. Take in a gel every 4 - 4.5 miles (which is about an 1:15 for me) Get cups of water at mile 4, fill pack at mile 6.5, cups of water at mile 13. Plus extra hydration may come from friends along the road, but that's my basic plan. I'm breaking the race down in 4 mile increments. First 4 are on the bike path, next 4 are through the city, last 4 on the bike path. Last 1.1 miles, just take it all in.  I have no doubt that my body will handle the distance. Still, inside there is doubt. It's part of who I am struggling with, part of the "changing the foundation, changes the house".  It feels unnatural to be confident and sure of yourself. So, I'm at odds with it. People can be all sorts of confident for me, but I'm the one who is running.

It's funny because in theater, the week before the performance you ramp up, you have just gone through tech week. You might have gotten a dark day of rest but it's unlikely. Running, you taper, you perform less, you save yourself for race day. My heart feels like every day this week will be full of stage fright. I'm staying occupied with cooking something new tonight and maybe squeezing a run in today if I get dinner prepared quickly (then I'll eat it later). I'm trying to watch movies that are comforting, or listen to techno house music. (the beat goes as fast as my thought process does)

It's just six days. Six days til race, seven days until the next adventure sets sail.