A great disappointment

Yesterday's text exchange

Hollie: So some life stuff has been happening. Blood pressure jumped a from 120/70 to 140/82. Lots of stress, loss of appetite. I'm staying hydrated and trying to eat small things but it makes me nervous about The Boilermaker. I walked 7.5 miles this past Sunday and I was fine but I keep going back and forth about deferring (or not going) the race.

J: Your health comes first. If you don't feel ready or think you may jeopardize it on Sunday, then defer. If you think you'll be OK with walking the majority of it , then go. What's the weather supposed to be?

Hollie: Supposed to be in the 70's and raining with 60% humidity. I just started a second anxiety medicine and I've been exhausted but part of me doesn't know if I am just psyching myself out. I did the Firecracker 4 in 1:07:00 so I should be able to do this in 2:30:00

J: Hollie. This is supposed to be for fun. If you are stressing out about it or have too much going on right now, then you are completely undermining the point of doing the run in the first place. It's OK to defer. If doing the run will bring you closer to a happier place, then do it but stop putting so much pressure on yourself over it :) it's simply just a matter of figuring out what you need more of right now. Exercise or relaxation - and giving yourself that gift.

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I have been dreading writing this post because it means several different things to me. I feel like I am giving up, even though I know that is not the case. However, my reason to run can't be because I feel like I will disappoint everyone else. Especially, when I am feeling this way.

Running is a mental sport and mentally I am not there. The Firecracker 4 felt impossible. Yes, I got through it but it wasn't fun at all and I wasn't getting sick then.

I had been dealing with small episodes as the week has carried on. Small attacks, ones that I often just push through. I've taken a lot of time off of work this week going in only once. It's half depression (well grieving) and half physical pain that's happening.

When I look at my life from the last time I was really sick, well everything matches.

There is a part of me that is disappointed in myself. The part that says just go and run the fucking race. Then there is the part of me that is scared. What if it hurts too much, what if I blackout? Because it already hurts to sit in my apartment at the computer screen and my apartment is built for my special needs. It is actually really sunny out as I type this and I have to go to a doctors appointment and I'm dreading the wearing of the sunglasses and hat. Double dorking it just to not hurt while outside.

I know it's stress that is making everything worse. I know I am dealing with it in all the ways I know how to. Asking for medical help, increasing therapy sessions, trying to go out with friends more, resting my body and mind. I know it takes time, and time takes time. I know I've been through this before and I have come out for the better on the other side. It's just sometimes the person that everyone else sees as the strongest champion, sometimes we lose the fight.

I still haven't made my decision. I've got a therapy session and a dinner this evening that I want to go to before I make my choice. At this point I know I can't defer my registration, it would just be the choice not to go. I've never not gone to a race I've registered for. That's why it sits with me as it would be a great disappointment.