half way & half assed

Last week in my running group we had a 5 week in timed 5K again. How did I do? 50 minutes. that's right, i put 3 additional minutes onto my time.

we all have bad runs. bad races. it just majorly sucked that I did so poorly. What were my factors in "failure".
Well, I've half assed my training program. I just got into a yoga class 2 weeks ago. I rarely get my cross training in and my long runs on the weekend have been non-existent because of a lot of excuses.

It is hard to think about this group training, if I like it or not. The people are awesome but they are a lot faster than me. I mean, a lot faster. I know, I know...it's OK to be a turtle. (you bet your sweet bippy ass it is!) it just does something to your motivation when week after week a group of people are waiting for you to finish.

During the timed 5K, I ran the first 14 minutes. No walking. Which really, that is what killed me. My leg tightened up, my hip ached, my head was pounding. So one of the mentors I ran with started timing 7 minutes running, 1 minute walking for me. She talked to me the entire time, which made the long time fly by, but it kept me from focusing on the rhythm of my breath, foot fall, and mental game I play.

I crossed the finish line and felt OK. proud that i completed it. but when i heard my time. that is when i wanted to get away from the group. I was angry at myself. Yes, there were things occurring that I couldn't change. Still, I was angry & disappointed. Another participant reminded me that it was OK and that we all have bad runs.

That night after the group run was one of the worst nights. So what's my big "excuse" - my IIH is acting up again. Stress does a number to the body. It's why my doctors want me to exercise, want me to loose weight. Stress, my body weight, and chemistry cause something very frustrating to happen in my brain. It sends messages to my brain to swell. That swelling causes an extreme amount of pressure & pain in my eyes and head. At best I am always working with a headache that never goes away. At worst, the throbbing is deafening and the sudden sharp pains that flash cause me to loose a bit of my cognitive skills. 

The night of the run I had been having what I call "lightening bolt" pain for the past week. I had missed a few days of work. I needed dark lighting and cool spaces. I wasn't sure how the blood pumping activity of running was going to affect my already blood pumping pressure. I had told our leader George, told him where my emergency information was, and I started the run. With that mentor that I was running with, we talked a lot. She commented on how I've lived a lot of life. I said that I had to. That's all it took for me. I started thinking about dying. I know it's a hard thing to read here but I started to think about it, get scared, and started hyperventilating.

I still want to beat my original 10K time of 10K in 1:38:28 - hell i don't care if i only beat it by one minute.
I still say I'm "Iron Eagle" and often just want to shout out CHAPPY. I run better with music. it lets me run for fun. it lets me run for me and it doesn't make me feel guilty.

I'm running a 5K this Saturday. this one is for me. this one is headphones on. this one is to prove that i can be better.