Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Can't is a dirty four lettered word

I want to say that I can't do it. That I can't take it. I want to say these things. It is taking all my energy to concentrate on my breathing so I don't have another panic attack. It is taking all my energy to not say "I can't".

What is causing such panic you may ask?
1. A 2nd round interview for an amazing opportunity.
2. The fact that every hour outside of work is scheduled for this week.
3. The emails from The Boilermaker people - all week long.
4. The fact that I'm taking on 9.3 miles without as much training as I wanted.
5. Trying to spend as much time with someone I love before she leaves.
6. That I am so confused about all the emotions that have been shaken up this last week.
7. That I haven't run on my inserts yet because the doctor won't clear me to run until the 7th.
8. The idea of failing during the race.
9. The worry of being alone, or more so lonely.
10. Getting this new job and leaving everything, start new, and try to succeed.

So what do I do?

My release of running is making me scared. I can't drink this week. I'll be dancing for 3 hours a night Tuesday - Thursday. I am tired of crying. I am nervous about admitting so many things and I don't want to do this alone. I need support - to help me survive.

I think about the interview and I know that I will be alright. That they will either like the answers I give or they won't. That my writing sample will be well written or it won't. I think about the last things I will say. They will be well received or they won't. I think about the race and know that it will be extremely tough and that I will finish or I won't. I think about moving forward with my life and if it's what I want. I have no control and that kills me. I can't focus. Things race too quickly in my head and heart and then I can't breathe. So much of what I've learned since 2004 and being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder has been how to accept not knowing. How to breathe and work through and create a plan.

Today my office mate helped me. He created my plan, the next 30 hours will be focused on dancing & my interview. After that I can pick the next thing to focus on. It however is damn hard. I am thankful for Lil Pup being in town Thursday. Thankful for Clarabell Casablanca just letting me cry on her couch and then realize that a beer needed to be put in my hand. Thankful for D. being just as freaked out by The Boilermaker as I am and knowing we'll both get through it.

I want to not say can't and it is so hard but this is who I am. I have survived so much. So much. So can't is a dirty four lettered word, and I my friends am a lady.


  1. when i am uber stressed i read this article. can't remember if i have shared it with you before, but in any case, it really helps me during times like these!!


  2. Randy you are always so good to me. I actually tried it. I can see how it would help. I'm gonna try to remember if another attack comes around.