Friday, May 20, 2011
That was my average pace. I walked a lot more than I wanted to. My shin froze up a lot and my knee is in a little pain today. My phone had me run the entire race in 56 minutes. I walk/ran my first 5K in about 53 minutes, so this time I added a bit more distance and kept that same original time.
I’m going to be running the same route in two weeks, so I’m hopeful that I can improve my time, or at least improve how much of it I run.
While I completed the race & I had fun with the people I was with, I was disappointed.
I was frustrated that I didn’t run a lot of the race. I know that I couldn’t but still this is how my mind works.
I celebrated the completion by meeting up with my two of my friends who are currently working on the C25K program for a beer.
It’s hard because I’m happy for all my friends who are running and being active but seeing others finish first and finish faster that are just starting to work on their running. Well it makes me feel a little inadequate. Makes me feel like I need to be better or I should be better.
I know its all hogwash. HOGWASH.
Still, it’s just hard. It’s my negative thinking and the verbal abuse that makes me strive for perfection.
I came home and I was sore. My mom and brother were saying nice things. My dad, he makes jokes. I know why he does it. I know he is frustrated that his muscle disease makes him feel weaker. I know he wishes he could do the things that his wife & kids are doing. I know what that loss of independence feels like so I get the bitterness. But when he says things like, “just imagine how sore you’ll be after five miles.” Well, it hurts to hear that. I answered back with an “I just ran 3.5 miles today, what did you do?” When you’ve grown up with moments like that your entire life, it makes it hard to think you are good at anything.
So while all of you out there will sing my praises, will tell me I’m awesome, that I’m doing a good job, it’s hard not to beat myself up because of the messages I get at home. You’re not good enough kid, work harder, be better. When will I be good enough? When will I be able to not listen to you and be good enough for myself?
It makes success bitter.