Friday, May 20, 2011


That was my average pace. I walked a lot more than I wanted to. My shin froze up a lot and my knee is in a little pain today.  My phone had me run the entire race in 56 minutes. I walk/ran my first 5K in about 53 minutes, so this time I added a bit more distance and kept that same original time.
Workforce Challenge
I’m going to be running the same route in two weeks, so I’m hopeful that I can improve my time, or at least improve how much of it I run.
While I completed the race & I had fun with the people I was with, I was disappointed.
I was frustrated that I didn’t run a lot of the race. I know that I couldn’t but still this is how my mind works.
I celebrated the completion by meeting up with my two of my friends who are currently working on the C25K program for a beer.
It’s hard because I’m happy for all my friends who are running and being active but seeing others finish first and finish faster that are just starting to work on their running. Well it makes me feel a little inadequate. Makes me feel like I need to be better or I should be better.
I know its all hogwash. HOGWASH.
Still, it’s just hard. It’s my negative thinking and the verbal abuse that makes me strive for perfection.
I came home and I was sore. My mom and brother were saying nice things. My dad, he makes jokes. I know why he does it. I know he is frustrated that his muscle disease makes him feel weaker. I know he wishes he could do the things that his wife & kids are doing. I know what that loss of independence feels like so I get the bitterness.  But when he says things like, “just imagine how sore you’ll be after five miles.” Well, it hurts to hear that.  I answered back with an “I just ran 3.5 miles today, what did you do?” When you’ve grown up with moments like that your entire life, it makes it hard to think you are good at anything.
So while all of you out there will sing my praises, will tell me I’m awesome, that I’m doing a good job, it’s hard not to beat myself up because of the messages I get at home. You’re not good enough kid, work harder, be better. When will I be good enough? When will I be able to not listen to you and be good enough for myself?
It makes success bitter.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Hollie,
    I know that I am probably one of the people you mention who just started working on running, but let me tell you why I think what you are doing is awesome.

    A year ago, no 3 months ago, I was a person who always proclaimed she “hated running”. It made my knees hurt. It made my shins hurt. It made me cramp up. It made me out of breath. I hated that I couldn’t stop when I got tired at have a drink of water. I had 100 excuses why I shouldn’t be out there just doing it. Then I went on a strictly regimented diet program (Weight Watchers) and was able to lose 30 lbs. It was hard work. Afterwards, I could tell I was a lot healthier. It was easier for me to excersise, and I didn’t feel like I was going to die when doing cardio. Then my WW group sponsored a 5k Walk/Run challenge, and I got this crazy idea that maybe I should do it – not just walk it, but RUN it. I knew that I still “hated running”, but I also knew that this was something that I “should” be able to do if I put my mind to it, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could. I’m very glad I did, and I actually HAVE started to LIKE running, and hope to continue to do it from now on.

    That’s my story.

    Your story is different. You put aside the excuses. Your shins hurt – but you aren’t making that into an excuse to not run any more. You made running into a part of your wellness program, not something that you would try to do once you got “healthy”. You have gotten hurt, but recovered and gone back to it. You have struggled with it, but you have KEPT ON DOING IT. Most people would give up. Most people would not be out running during the winter time. Most people might listen to negative feedback, and then think it really wasn’t worth the effort. You have a way to go to get where you want to be, but you have a GOAL, and you’re actively trying to get there, despite all the opstacles and excuses most people come up with.

    That is why you are awesome.

    The End

    Jessica R

    PS – I hope you see you on the 4th, to be able to cheer you on through the finish line!