Monday, May 16, 2011

Fear the robot

While I am still debating running in the torrential storms that are a-brewin’, I am having other dilemmas and debates today while at work.   

It all comes down to fearing the robot. My ex-girlfriend used to constantly hear me say that I was a robot. I would often say this when I was crying. It was my manner in which I hurt myself.  I felt cold and inhuman and predictable. While she did her best to assure me that I was not a robot, a product readily available for mass consumption and assimilation, I still have those thoughts, those fears. When my life becomes a routine, when everything is scheduled, when I feel limited due to the choices I am about to make…well I feel like a robot. 

Work harder, work longer, give canned responses, commit to the job & area, put the razzmatazz on and spend so much energy on conveying a message, when friendships become scheduled. All these things make me feel non-human.  All these things make me feel exhausted. While I’ve worked on understanding being an introvert in an extrovert world, and being sensitive to others body language – these are still my weakness.

In the span of my career (and jobs) I’ve not really worked regular hours, so I always felt conditioned to be a robot. In college I worked two jobs at the same time while being a full time student. Orientation jobs over the summer were not regular hours. Graduate school was at least 60 hours a week. Working at Purdue about 70 hours a week, Envision EMI 86 hours a week, Albany Med was about 50 hours a week (towards the end it was 40 hours per week).

I was always busy at these jobs, always on the run. This job is 37.5 hours a week. 

So now I am being looked at for a new opportunity. I know I’ll take it but I have the fear of becoming the robot. I have the fear of settling, the fear of accepting the death of my dreams. 

But Hollie you can still have those dreams, you say. I looked at my list I wrote for what I want and then picked it apart trying to see what I could create here & now. I cried because I felt like I gave in and gave up. When you pick what is safe, what is known, while your heart desires adventure? 

I want to know I can do it instead of just think I can do it. I want to prove to myself that I can move somewhere and create a good life for myself. I want a wife, eventually. Right now, I just want a supportive girlfriend and I hate Albany’s lesbian scene.  That is one of the huge reasons why I don't want to stay in the Capital District of NY.

I want to know I can do it. That is what I want. And I fear the robot.

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