enjoy the silence?

last night the weather was beautiful. i stretched. put on my shoes. got to the park and started running. while the tempo of the new playlist is meant to help me, i think it might be too much for me. in reality i think a lot of what i feel right now is too much for me.

D., tells me that I'm still getting out there, i am still fighting. That's a good thing but what happens when you aren't connected with that fight.

Last night I got to hear more messages about body size and body image. While I'm still going to fight it and put my powerful voice down for the judgement, i still feel it.

I still feel it. The way I look in my head and the way I look in real life are two different images.

Last night I was also in a room full of people who know me and love me and i felt so alone and disconnected. In the readings I've caught online the past week there was talk about how others see a more realistic version of you than you do. Other people see this amazing person. I see someone who is average or below average. There are moments when I know i'm awesome, I get that. I just wish I had that right now.