“will you still love me if I fail?”

Last night I brought everything I needed to run to work. It was a beautiful day out. I felt a mild amount of pain. It was a perfect opportunity to run. 

But I didn’t. I didn’t even go to the auditions that I had in my calendar. 

I called one of my friends and I babbled onto her like a middle school girl. While it’s comical, it’s still annoying. I am still having a hard time finding my words, or well the semantics of one four letter word. I saw another friend last night too while in my debate to audition. I consumed massive (for me) amounts of sugar. 

I don’t know why, but all I want lately is sugar and not sugar in the traditional form but sugar in the form of bread. I want to eat massive amounts of bread and dough based products. Not to mention cake (but I can resist cake)

While walking around the office yesterday in my dress shoes my toes tightened up, so I switched to flippies hoping they would let me walk on my forefoot a bit more. It gave me some freedom but I already felt the damage. I don’t want to have to ice bath my foot every day but I just might have to.

I was late getting into PT today and while I completed Saturday’s race well, my arch was tight and my shin was tight. She worked on my foot a bit and it reminds me that I said I was going to give myself a reward of getting a massage because I ran the race. I may schedule one for late on Saturday so I can run the Pride 5K with my friend and then go to brunch and then finish up the day with a massage.  Still, I’m not sure if I’ll run it. We’ll see what the podiatrist says Thursday.

When talking to another runner here at work about the Freihofer and how my pace & time were better than the workforce challenge and that I still walked a lot of the Freihofer. She said that’s great then, that my training was working and that I’d be getting better times when I’m running the entire race. I told her that I was frightened by the Boilermaker. It’s not a lie, I am terrified. She asked what the most mileage I had was, and it’s about 4.5 miles the most I’ve run/walked, she suggested that I hope to get up to eight miles soon. I’ve got about a month left and I’m still trying to figure out things with my foot & shin. It’s hard for me to get excited about training because I worry that I’ll do more damage or that it will become too painful.  The pain has subsided a bit but it is still there. 

The other reason I’m terrified for the Boilermaker is disappointing people, disappointing myself. I keep telling myself that I’ll be ok if I don’t finish it, that as long as I get a 10K distance I’ll be happy. I know that my brother will be proud of me, that tiny dancer will still be cheering me on, that D will know I tried. It’s just the age old sentiment of “will you still love me if I fail?” I know what the answer is. Yes, they will. Where I am struggling is, will I? I think I will, but I will probably still cry.

The run for cookies

Race Four

Friday I had another PT appointment and we once again used the magical goop & the machine to try and prepare my foot & shin for Saturday’s race. After the appointment I raced down to the Empire State Plaza to pick up my race bib and race swag. I got there, got my bib (#118) and was told they only had medium & small shirts left, really? So I chose the medium and gave it to my mom. I also picked up my free box of cookies & sandwich thins. Yes, a 5K that gives you cookies instead of a finisher medal. 

Saturday I got up, did my foot stretches on my ball, ate a simple breakfast and my brother and I headed to the plaza. While lining up was supposed to be an easy process due to the color coded sections, you couldn’t hear anything up on the plaza so by the time I heard the last call for line up, I was struggling to run into place. However, I was purple – so I was all the way in the back.

While in line it was nice. I was running just for myself, no one else. I knew a few people in the race; I knew what time I wanted to beat. So I just ran as much of it as I could. I got to the first mile marker by walk/running at 15:06 – that in itself was a miracle to me, as my average pace is normally 16 minutes or more. Mile two had me seeing about 31/32 minutes.  I smiled at the two kids & their mom who set up their own “free lemonade” station, loved the man with a cowbell, and enjoyed seeing my brother towards the end of the race.

About 2/3 the way into the loop at the park my left foot went completely numb. It was like a dead foot. It pissed me off. Because it was happening and it made me see an individual on the side of the race course that I didn’t really care to see. We exchanged that – yeah you know me – look and then I ran on my dead numb foot.  I was walking when I saw my brother and knew I couldn’t walk past him. So I jogged. Then it was the top of the hill towards the finish line. I always forget that running as fast as I can down the hill will only make the additional 50 feet to the finish line suck even more. 

So I had to walk a bit towards the finish, which was so hard but the speed walker next to me shouted at me to pick it up. So I did and I crossed the finish line. I looked at my time, 47 minutes. I was happy with that. My leg wasn’t in pain, my foot was still numb, I had hot spots & blisters possibly forming but my shin & knee didn’t hurt. 

I walked back up to meet my brother. Then we walked uphill three blocks to get to the car and I went home. I slept the rest of the day and in the evening I had celebratory cookies.

I was sore on Sunday and today my foot is giving me a little bit of trouble. I brought all my stuff to go running after work. I still have about a month before The Boilermaker. I’d like to make it at least 6.5 miles. I’d LOVE to finish the whole thing but I’d be super stoked for 6.5 miles. 

There is a 5K this Saturday that I’ll be around for. I’m still debating on running it. It would be my one gay pride thing this year. Follow it up with a bloody mary and it’d be a pretty good day I’d say.  This week is PT & podiatrist so we’ll see what happens with all of that too. I’m not giving up, I’m just not.

My foot is expecting!

I walked into therapy today with the feeling of god; I look like an idiot the way I am walking. However, I was told it was Good Form, Peter! The only thing is this new, good form is causing my foot to flare up.

There is something going on with my foot. It’s in the small toes and my dorsal flexion.  So to help with the inflammation a few things occurred. Last night my foot got an ice bath; it will keep getting ice baths each evening. (I curse like a trucker during these). Then my therapist slathered my foot in some cortisone, then some cool clear gel, and then my foot got an ultrasound.  It is supposed to be a quick fix so I can run on Saturday. I’m supposed to not aggravate my foot, stretch & ice it each evening. 

I hope it works. Right now it’s feeling good and I’m half way through the day at work. So we’ll see how it goes.  I’m feeling better about the race on Saturday because I’m going down the big hill that I had to go up during the corporate challenge. 

So keep good thoughts coming and keep those fingers crossed.

Walk the Dinosaur

It’s been about a week since my last post I think. It’s been longer for my last run. My last run was the corporate challenge race. After the race I was sore and I knew I ran more on my leg than I should have. I had auditions that next week (hence my posting hiatus) and my schedule was all around crazy.

At auditions we had to dance and I put a little more stress on my knee and ankle than I should have.  So at PT my therapist asked me to walk on my tippy toes every time I went to walk. So while walking around the therapy room I put my arms like a little T-Rex would and pretended I was a dinosaur.

I had to walk like that the entire weekend. It helped relieve the stress on my shin but it made my foot and ankle even shakier, so I didn’t run on them. I may try to do a little run this evening because I have PT tomorrow.  Really it just showed me where my left foot was not flexible and that causes a good amount of pain on top of my foot.  So it’s frustrating and it makes me nervous for the Freihofer run this Saturday.

I don’t want to blow out my knee (I’ve done it twice before) and I don’t want my foot to hurt. I’m going to keep trying, keep trying to train. We’ll see how I feel after Saturday’s race and see how quickly I can recover. I have almost 6 weeks left before the Boilermaker. I honestly don’t know what will happen with that race. I can’t find a place to stay the night before the race so I’m a bit screwed with that and there are several emotional items tied to this race.

In other race news I may have to drop out of the Warrior Dash in August because of the show I got into. I auditioned for two musicals last week and was offered roles in both musicals. One would have challenged me vocally; the other challenged my inner dancer & showcased my comedic timing. So I took the role of Angie Sullivan (Julia’s mom) in The Wedding Singer the musical. It’s a really great group of people so it should be a whole lot of fun.  Rehearsals will start happening after work so I’ll have to adjust my running to before work.

So I’m kind of all over the place. Mixed emotions about running, mixed emotions injury, mixed emotions on some great opportunities. So really, I’m just 

All. Over. The. Place.

free app & explanation

Hey! That Nike + GPS app I use. Right now it's free for a limited time at the apple app store. You should buy it. It's cool. I like it. It's how I get cowbells during races.

Other than that. The next few days this week my focus is on my artistic passion. That's right kids - it's an audition week. So while trying to get up early to run would be a terrific thing, it's not something that i'm super excited about....especially since my knee has been sore since the race last Thursday. And running after work is on hold until Wednesday at least so I can go sing & dance my heart out with the hopes of getting into a summer/fall show.

I go to PT tomorrow and we'll see if I get told I do need fancy orthotics. If so, then it's trying to get it done ASAP so I can get back into training, and then seeing if I can get into a pool or cycling until I get me those fancy inserts.

16’40”/mi

That was my average pace. I walked a lot more than I wanted to. My shin froze up a lot and my knee is in a little pain today.  My phone had me run the entire race in 56 minutes. I walk/ran my first 5K in about 53 minutes, so this time I added a bit more distance and kept that same original time.

Workforce Challenge

I’m going to be running the same route in two weeks, so I’m hopeful that I can improve my time, or at least improve how much of it I run.

While I completed the race & I had fun with the people I was with, I was disappointed.

I was frustrated that I didn’t run a lot of the race. I know that I couldn’t but still this is how my mind works.

I celebrated the completion by meeting up with my two of my friends who are currently working on the C25K program for a beer.

It’s hard because I’m happy for all my friends who are running and being active but seeing others finish first and finish faster that are just starting to work on their running. Well it makes me feel a little inadequate. Makes me feel like I need to be better or I should be better.

I know its all hogwash. HOGWASH.

Still, it’s just hard. It’s my negative thinking and the verbal abuse that makes me strive for perfection.

I came home and I was sore. My mom and brother were saying nice things. My dad, he makes jokes. I know why he does it. I know he is frustrated that his muscle disease makes him feel weaker. I know he wishes he could do the things that his wife & kids are doing. I know what that loss of independence feels like so I get the bitterness.  But when he says things like, “just imagine how sore you’ll be after five miles.” Well, it hurts to hear that.  I answered back with an “I just ran 3.5 miles today, what did you do?” When you’ve grown up with moments like that your entire life, it makes it hard to think you are good at anything.

So while all of you out there will sing my praises, will tell me I’m awesome, that I’m doing a good job, it’s hard not to beat myself up because of the messages I get at home. You’re not good enough kid, work harder, be better. When will I be good enough? When will I be able to not listen to you and be good enough for myself?

It makes success bitter.

Hey kids, it’s race day.

It was also physical therapy day. An odd twist of events occurred and allowed me to have my super crush physical therapist work with me today. Having her hands on my legs was not a bad way to have the day start and I was thankful for shaving this morning. I also like her because she is thorough. She took her time with me today and we found out that I really have some ankle issues. My usual therapist knew that I was tight and not flexible, but my old school therapist saw I was shaky and we worked on strengthening.

 I asked if there was anything I could do before my race today and she said no, and that she knew I’d be stubborn and try to complete the race but she made me promise that if it really hurt that I would walk it out to complete the race. She also recommended hard core orthotics – so that leads me into my tax law research for the day. See, there is a way to write off expenses in regards to fighting your own personal obesity. So orthotics, gym memberships, trainers, running shoes, race entry fees…all possible tax write off’s if I can get my doctor to say that it is exercise is a benefit to fighting my obesity. I’m sure there are a few other things in there too but that’s why I have to research it.

I’m a bit happier today but it’s mostly because I am excited about the race. One of my favorite things and the main reason I run with my iphone is my Nike + GPS app. See I can say that I am starting a race and it asks if I want “cheers” sent. So it posts on Facebook that I’m starting a run and every time someone likes or comments on that post it sends me some cowbell love. It is always fun running and then hearing the cowbell. Most people comment right in the beginning but others spread the love and comment several times, which is good because it’s like 45mins-1hour of running so cheers all the way through are great.

I’m going to be picking between one of my three current playlists for today’s run. I may even create a quick new playlist by splitting songs from each three. As I really want to hear Closer to the Edge today.  I’m also bringing a Sharpie marker incase our shirts are really orange (cause I’ll never wear it for anything but running) and if so then I’ll be drawing a heart on my left sleeve and writing rule #1: CARDIO on the right sleeve.

My traditional start pose picture will also be taken, even if I force a stranger to take it.



Race 1



Race 2