Listen all ya'll its a sabotage

Last three weeks

I keep a food journal. I've kept this food journal for about two years. Frankly, family members and friends probably get annoyed by it. I take it out either before or after every meal or snack. I work with about 1,800 calories a day and know that I need to hit at least 90 grams of protein each day. I have been doing really well, but some things started happening about two weeks ago. The picture above shows the last three weeks.  The first week, I was under by like 1,300 calories. The next, only by 300, then this past week I was over a whopping 1,600 calories.

Pizza is my kryptonite and when I am exhausted and stressed it is the first thing I will eat. Ice cream being the second. So last week there was a lot of ice cream and a lot of pizza.I know what caused my poor decisions. Exhaustion, indecision, and stress. However, there are times when I think it might be sabotage. It's a word that has come up a few times in conversations the past week.

I had gone out with friends this weekend after Color Me Rad. I knew I wasn't going to watch the calories, I let myself be OK with that in the moment. I had beer. I had a lot of beer. Those of you who have known me for a long time would be surprised. I had a total of 5 beers over the span of six hours.  I've been known to drink more in a shorter span of time. I also had BBQ pork egg rolls and two sliders with blue cheese and later I had chicken wings. I ate like I used to eat and drank similar to how I used to drink.

I texted a friend while I was out, asking to remind me that I couldn't live the lifestyle I was pretending to live on Saturday. Now this doesn't mean that I didn't have fun. I had a blast. I just rarely drink that much anymore and I rarely eat that rich any more.

I didn't put any of my food from Saturday in my journal while I was out. However, Sunday morning came and I felt the need to put in everything I could remember. I was disgusted and felt ashamed of my food choices. It's not a feeling I often experience anymore. Am I sabotaging myself by thinking I can't be healthy and sociable? Am I making it OK to not chose myself when life gets hard? Am I dumbfounded by my success and trying to keep myself from thinking I can be better? I'm not sure. All I know is that I don't have a time machine and I can't go back and take away what I chose the other day. So all I could do was have a fresh start.

I'm on track today. There are still a few things I could have done differently for my choices today. Most of them revolving around sugar. Tonight marks two weeks until my half marathon. So I want to get my hydration and healthy choices in balance.

While talking to another friend today, she is excited for me about my race and made the comment that it will be good to see me more often and that it will be nice for me to have a break from running. I answered back stating that I didn't know how much of a break from running I would have this year. It felt kind of neat to say that. To have the belief that I'd continue on and try to get running, theater, work, social life and love life all in cahoots with each other. Funny how I ordered those things......

Let Love Move You

I have been reading a lot of inspirational items lately and watching a lot of inspirational training videos. Today, there was one with 18 motivational tips - the last one was "Let Love Move You". It hit me hard and sparked me to write this post, which I will also send out as an email.

Last night with USAFit, we had a send off party, some of our team were heading off to their respective races, others are tapering. My Half Marathon is in 20 days. I have been training for 5 months. It is something that I am very proud of.

My tapering started this Saturday, running just 8 miles and following it up the next day with a 3.5 light run. This coming Saturday is Color Me Rad, which is a 5K and I am not supposed to run it full out - to avoid injury. I'll run 3-4 miles the next day to keep my conditioning. The week following that is only 5 miles. Then it's race day.

So while I am winding down, I do hope you might ramp it up. What do I mean by this? I can't tell you what spectator support does for a runner. I can liken it to theater, how when you see your friends in the first few rows and try not to break character. There is something about a friendly smile, a person with a cowbell, or crazy signs. It's just awesome.

For instance, I was totally jealous of and jealous that I wasn't there for the "Joel Patrol". My friend and via distance coach Joel ran his first IronMan. His team, friends, and family were out there supporting him. Rachel wrote a post about the IronMan and it shows pictures of the Joel Patrol and some great signage for cheering on runners.

What can you do to support me on race day? You can do a couple of things. The largest thing you could do is volunteer - it takes a lot of backstage players to put on a large race. Packet pick ups, aid stations, directing people where to park, etc. Please think about volunteering if you have the time.

Secondly, you can come out and see the race. It's Sunday October 7th, starting at 8:30am. I run approximately 15 minute miles. So that can help you gauge when you'd need to be at a spot. Example, you want to cheer me on at mile 5 at the Maplewood School (32 Cohoes road Watervliet) then you should get there by 9:30 and hang out until 10:30 to cheer me on. You want to see me just over the half-way point at mile 7, then get to the Price Chopper Plaza at 1804 Second Ave,Watervliet between 9:45-10:45.

Holding signs, curing my fever with a little more cowbell, having small 8-10oz bottles of gatorade fruit punch, high fives, and lots of shouting my name are all awesome things you can do.

Being at either of those viewing stations, gives you enough time to travel down to the finish line . Or if you want, just go right to the finish line at the River Front park at the Corning Preserve. Be there between 11-11:45am and you'll get to see me be the proudest emotional wreck you'll ever see. For a map of the race route check out the Hudson Mohawk race page or look at their spectators guide, just remember I'm running the HALF marathon, cause I'm only HALF crazy, the spectators guide gives you notes on the whole marathon & half route.

Why do I want you there? Because I love you and I want you to see me happy, proud and accomplish something that is personally challenging. I want you to know what I sacrificed our Friday nights together for. I want you to experience my joy when I finish. I want you there with a hug. I want your love to move me further and faster than I've ever raced before.

What's in my pantry?

This weekend I face ten miles again. Jenika was there the last time, asking me what's in my pantry in order to get my panic attack to slow down. But tomorrow I will have ten miles of asking myself what's in my pantry? My pantry.

Canned Goods
Pasta and Rice
Miscellaneous
Beans
Baking Needs
Spices & Seasonings
Paper & Plastic

My pantry has it's staples, it's non perishable items. Heart and courage, canned and ready for long term storage. Humor and common sense, stiff when stored but flexible under hot water. Love and joy, sometimes mushy when left to sit for a long time. Friends and team support, when I need a plan and help to rise. Affirmations, when I need to pepper my journey and a wall of race bibs to show me what I have done.

Joel told me before to "get the fuck over" the fact I ran ten miles. I'm still astonished by it. It's not a "how did I do that", or an "I can't believe I did that", anymore. It's a I ran ten fucking miles. 

My pantry holds everything I have been storing up since March. In 30 days, I will test how well I have prepared. I have ten miles this weekend, next weekend I will face twelve, then I will taper with eight, then five.

The twelve, is the last time I'll get to run with my group. I have Color Me Rad on the weekend of eight miles, and then I have a commitment the next weekend as well. When talking to Jenika I said it as "it's just five miles and I can take that on my own."

Joel told me there would be a day when that would happen.

I face my ten miles with my group but on my own. I get to prove to myself that this all isn't a dream.