Sunday, September 23, 2012

Listen all ya'll its a sabotage

Last three weeks
I keep a food journal. I've kept this food journal for about two years. Frankly, family members and friends probably get annoyed by it. I take it out either before or after every meal or snack. I work with about 1,800 calories a day and know that I need to hit at least 90 grams of protein each day. I have been doing really well, but some things started happening about two weeks ago. The picture above shows the last three weeks.  The first week, I was under by like 1,300 calories. The next, only by 300, then this past week I was over a whopping 1,600 calories.

Pizza is my kryptonite and when I am exhausted and stressed it is the first thing I will eat. Ice cream being the second. So last week there was a lot of ice cream and a lot of pizza.I know what caused my poor decisions. Exhaustion, indecision, and stress. However, there are times when I think it might be sabotage. It's a word that has come up a few times in conversations the past week.

I had gone out with friends this weekend after Color Me Rad. I knew I wasn't going to watch the calories, I let myself be OK with that in the moment. I had beer. I had a lot of beer. Those of you who have known me for a long time would be surprised. I had a total of 5 beers over the span of six hours.  I've been known to drink more in a shorter span of time. I also had BBQ pork egg rolls and two sliders with blue cheese and later I had chicken wings. I ate like I used to eat and drank similar to how I used to drink.

I texted a friend while I was out, asking to remind me that I couldn't live the lifestyle I was pretending to live on Saturday. Now this doesn't mean that I didn't have fun. I had a blast. I just rarely drink that much anymore and I rarely eat that rich any more.

I didn't put any of my food from Saturday in my journal while I was out. However, Sunday morning came and I felt the need to put in everything I could remember. I was disgusted and felt ashamed of my food choices. It's not a feeling I often experience anymore. Am I sabotaging myself by thinking I can't be healthy and sociable? Am I making it OK to not chose myself when life gets hard? Am I dumbfounded by my success and trying to keep myself from thinking I can be better? I'm not sure. All I know is that I don't have a time machine and I can't go back and take away what I chose the other day. So all I could do was have a fresh start.

I'm on track today. There are still a few things I could have done differently for my choices today. Most of them revolving around sugar. Tonight marks two weeks until my half marathon. So I want to get my hydration and healthy choices in balance.

While talking to another friend today, she is excited for me about my race and made the comment that it will be good to see me more often and that it will be nice for me to have a break from running. I answered back stating that I didn't know how much of a break from running I would have this year. It felt kind of neat to say that. To have the belief that I'd continue on and try to get running, theater, work, social life and love life all in cahoots with each other. Funny how I ordered those things......

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