Thursday, July 14, 2011

We're still fighting it

Only Boilermaker Injury
I am not one to believe in Karma. I am however one to believe in negative energy and that if you promote negativity, more negative things happen; which is the case this week.

After the Boilermaker, I went into blister care 101. It was the only amount of physical pain that I was in. While I did the steps of sterilize the needle, poke & drain, Neosporin & bandage, witch hazel and air at night, my skin still cracked. So I have a lot of new baby skin on my foot. It’s painful.

That is not where my negativity comes from.  It comes from waiting. It comes from feeling just the tiny bit empty because something is missing, more like someone. If you know me, you know my tattoo and you know I don’t believe in something being missing, I believe in ebb & flow.   In the long run, this is just the ebb. When in an ebb my thoughts go dark and it is sometimes hard to get out of them.

I don’t depend on people. I just don’t. It takes a lot for me to ask for help and I have gotten better at it over the years.  Still, I’ve had this person who I talked to about everything and really the distance would be OK if we just talked. It’s the silence that is killing me. I know it’s needed for re-adjustment there and here.  It’s just the feeling like you’ve lost someone, someone important.

I also have a hard time pretending. I used to pretend all through high school that everything was great. When people asked “how are you doing?”, I’d say fine, great, super but I was really miserable. I’ve always given the advice to sit with what you are feeling. Well for the past four days I’ve felt angry, sad, hurt and numb. My friends are great because they check in with me. My cast mates are great because they try to get me to laugh.

Still, everyone sees it, this sadness behind my eyes.... 

I’ve been trying to get my blistered skin back into shape so I can start running three days a week again. This morning at the doctors my diastolic blood pressure (pressure while the heart is relaxed) was 20 points higher than normal.  I need my stress to go down and I need my physical activity to get back to normal.  I know it will help with my anger and it will keep me away from "bad things" ;alcohol, fast driving, food binging, and hitting things.  My anger management skills are being tested daily and when my schedule or things I’ve been looking forward to just fall through, well I start to unravel. 

So since plans fell through,  I’ll go to the batting cages today and just hit something with a bat. Each ball gets labeled with an emotion (or sometimes a person). I’m supposed to say it when I hit it. Often small children at the batting cages are scared of me. I say it makes for a teachable moment.

I have come a really far way from who I was, a not confident, obese, depressed girl who waited around for life to happen to her. I get scared when I revert back to that. It takes a lot to fight it. But I’m still fighting it.

This weekend I’ll go back to Oswego, for my college roommates wedding! 

I just want an Oswego sunset or a trip to the water behind Johnson (or Breitbeck Park) I’ll be around fraternity brothers and good friends. I’ll be Dapper Dan in his best summer suit and bow-tie. I’ll still be a little damaged and sad but I’ll be fighting it.

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