The Break Up

Friday after I presented at my conference, I was able to get dinner & drinks and enjoy the company of a "first time caller, long time reader" new friend. She also runs and while we were getting to know each other and ask lots of questions about careers, family, friends, etc. we happened to talk about running a lot. I talked about the fact that I have 12 days until I run the Rabbit Ramble 4 mile race. While technically I know I can do it, the mental battle is what is the worst part.

It made a big difference for me. Talking about running, thinking about running. I told her that if she hadn't seen a run posted to my Facebook Saturday that she had full permission to "yell" at me. So I made the decision Saturday to go back to my parents house, do laundry, and run the full 3 miles my schedule told me I had to do. Along the way, I had gotten text messages asking what was I doing, asking if I wanted to meet up for St. Patrick's parties, etc. It all hit me again. The metaphor.

I had to "break up" with theater. Now, there are all kinds of break-ups. I'm sure we all know this. In real life, I'm usually a jerk. I usually just go cold turkey and cut off all connections. However, this break-up with theater has been going on for ever. I planed on ending it after Laramie. You know, having a good nice time and just giving it a good closure. I was ready for that. Then, there were favors, opportunities, friendships, that all just seemed to happen one right after another. When I would walk away, she'd pull me back in for more and I would stay, even though I knew I was unhappy with staying.

But see running wasn't around really, I mean she was there but she was quiet and waiting her turn but I couldn't see her, couldn't hear her, so I kept choosing theater over running. I also kept choosing theater over (non-theater) friendships. I didn't like that. So, last night while with theater friends (and seeing Lucky Stiff at Russell Sage) I declared it. I said it out loud. I am breaking up with theater. She has to be patient and wait her turn again. Fall & Winter are her times. Spring & Summer, well I have a different commitment I have to honor.

A commitment to myself.

Winter blues & bruises

Winter Route

So Wednesday marked the start of my running season and just like everything else in my life, I am currently not excited about it. It's still winter outside, still cold, still snow on the ground. So it makes running at the Saratoga State Park so boring. It's reminiscent of last year, starting out in March, running up to the clubhouse, back past the theater, and then usually up the avenue of the pines. (I was able to do the path past the hotel)

I've been running the entire time with each run on the treadmill and I tried it outside the other day. It sucked balls. My left shin tightened up instantly where it always does. It's the sheath around the muscle, it's also me starting out too fast. I know it's OK to go back to run/walk. I know I could do 4/1 with no problem. I just have to get out the little gym boss timer again and make sure to have AAA batteries.

The run the other day and the stiffness in the left shin afterwards makes me wonder about my orthopedic inserts. I've got new shoes that I can swap into as well, but my current shoes don't have enough miles on them for me to need to swap them out. I also keep thinking about getting "the stick" but then I remember I can't even force myself to foam roller when I really should.

I think it's also I'm fighting the fact that before I never thought I could and well now I know I can, so what's my motivation (besides that whole be healthy thing and take death off the line) Also, because I don't know where I fit in. I still feel like I hold my running friends back because of my pace and I'm too fast for friends who are just starting to run. I don't fit in with many running groups because of my health, pace, walk/run issues. It's why I had trouble with USAFit and why I hardly find myself participating with Albany Running Exchange. When you are slow and you hear these other people say yeah we're slow too, like 13 min paces and the fastest you've ever run for like one mile is 13:30, let alone try to keep that up for multiple miles. Well you just start to feel like you don't fit in.

So this season, it's back to individual training and catching a few group runs once my schedule lightens up. I know I'll feel a bit more pressure to be into running & training once registration opens for the Palio Half Marathon. I have the Rabbit Ramble 4 mile coming up at the end of the month and I'm estimating 54 minutes but I'll be happy to just complete it. I'm hoping it will remind me of what it feels like and remind me why I run.

In going back and looking at all my posts in March for 2011 & 2012, it all starts off this way. Me being wishy washy, figuring out my goals as I go along. I even posted the same winter map route back in 2011. So  Hello March and Hello Half Marathon Training. Let's try and be friends and I'll try to put my winter blues and bruises away OK?

Coming out of hibernation

I was planning on just taking a few weeks off, maybe even a month after my last race in December 15th. I had gotten sick on Christmas and it lasted through the new year.

January 13th & 15th I got out there and ran. The next week I followed that up too. Then I stopped. I had gotten sick again and started a new show.

Plus, I just wasn't motivated to run. (I'm still not motivated to run)

From January to February I've run a total of 14 miles. Most of those are due to using the Run, Zombies! App.

I'm on mission 6 now. While I enjoy it so much more when I can run with this outside, it does make the time pass quickly on the treadmill.

I had a friend email me and ask if I would be blogging again. It was nice to know someone liked reading my stuff. It was even nicer to have some external motivation to start up my running season in a serious manner.

Still, I would like some intrinsic motivation. I know I won't be joining USAfit this year and I'm unsure what my half marathon training will actually look like. I'm unsure of a lot of things truthfully.

I signed up for the Rabbit Ramble 4mile race at the end of this month. My official training starts next week, although I've been running 2 miles at least twice a week the past week or so.

I feel like I've put on a lot of weight lately. I don't know how much damage I've done. Running used to help me with anger but it never has really helped with the sadness. It helped keep the sadness at bay when I ran all the time but getting out of this slump, of not emotionally hurting in the downtime. That's the hard part.

It is hard to say that I don't care but that is all I want to say lately and I have to fight that. Fighting that and the pavement at the same time, well it's a challenge I have to fight through and I just want to hibernate.