Mementos and miles

This post should go up while I'm running the Half Marathon or at least I planned it that way.

There are mantras, mementos,small tricks to fool the brain while you are running. While I run, I keep my thumbs facing up and my hands are loose. I asked for my thumbnail to be painted by someone very special to me. She is the person I imagine I am running to. Often while using the Zombies, Run app to get me through the last few miles, I think about what if she was in danger, hurt, or needed help....that I would run to her. It's cheesy, yes I know this. Still, she painted my thumb deep blue, a color called Afterglow or After Party (if I remember correctly) so while I type here at work it feels a bit weird and odd to have one thumb painted but when I am racing, it will help me know that she is holding my hand. She won't be the only one with me on the race. When I ran the Hudson Half, I liked the idea of running in honor of people and dedicated miles.

Mile 1-2: Keri Fitzgerald
Because she always convinces me that getting started and the first mile are the hardest things to do.

Mile 2-3: Gail Miller
My mom, for asking the other day about a 5K for our church and if I have to sign a waiver for all the races that I run. We're gonna tackle that 5K together, I just haven't told you that yet.

Mile 3-4: Liz Sherwood-Mack
For making me so proud of your couch to 5K journey and seeing you in the last stretch of your first 5K.

Mile 4-5: Jenika Conboy
Even though our paths run parallel and haven't crossed much recently. You are with me on every run because you are the one who let me believe I can do it. I believe in Orange.

Mile 5-6: Carla Capobianco
You have run countless 5K's with me. October, Great Pumpkin 10K, 2013. It's on.

Mile 6-8: My Personal Miles
This is the crossing over to the half way point. It's into the second loop of the course. I will know what lies ahead. I have to believe I am enough to succeed at this.

Mile 8-9: Ed & Kait
My Boilermaker family. 15K conquered in June means the Boilermaker will be plain fun.

Mile 9-10: Mary Whittredge

Mary, this mile is a hill. A hill that I will have run once already. A hill that I won't want to go up. I know I'll hear your voice cheering me on up that hill.

Mile 11-12: Liz Sterling 

This is the most difficult mile for me. It's the mile that killed in the Hudson Half. It's the mile that almost stopped me. It's the mile that I need the most faith & heart. You will help me push forward.

 

Mile 12-13: Joel Tse

In my head, every time I've doubted my finish, I've heard your voice saying "fuck that, you're gonna finish"

I'm gonna finish Joel. I'm gonna finish.

Hide and Seek

Tonight is the night before the eve of the race. What does that mean? Sleeping pills to ensure I get enough rest, phone turned on do not disturb, self-care/self-love, laying out everything I need to travel with.

I'll leave for Plattsburgh tomorrow morning/brunching hour to get up there in time to pick up my race packet. I'll check into my hotel, wait to hear when K & A get into town. Find a dinner place and quite possibly go to the movies. (We always miss out on that with The Boilermaker, but Ed found out where karaoke is last year, so it might be a crazy night this year)

There are a couple of ways to track me during the race. If you are my friend on Facebook or Twitter you will see Hollie started a run post with RunKeeper and you should be able to click on it and track me.

My Runkeeper profile is: http://runkeeper.com/user/hollie.miller/profile

The other way is by tracking the race on runkeeper:
http://runkeeper.com/race/biggest-loser-half-marathon-36967/63328

During the Hudson Half family & friends loved being able to find out where I was on the course.

Goals of the race:
1. No injuries
2. Under 4 hours
3. Finish

Minature goals (a.k.a. I won't be sad if I don't achieve them)
1. Finish in 3:30:00 or less
2. Try for 3 kills in the last mile
3. Get a corny finish photo with my medal at the official backdrop

The race starts by 8:10am. I hope to be finished, medal'ed, and recovering by noon.

As close as I can

Saturday I ran my 8 miles. The 8 miles that were to make me feel like I could actually run 13.1 this coming Sunday. In my head, I still believe I can. Still see myself finishing, yet there are some doubts as to what I can do.

I am having moments where I am loosing my breath and loosing my head while sitting at work. I'm pushing other aspects of my life into an arena that they ought not be. I'm so quiet and so small right now.

I went back and read my post "to remain selfless cold and composed" and everything  makes sense. It doesn't make it easier, it just makes more sense.

I have my plan. Race 4 miles at a time. Refuel each 4 miles. 2 camelbak's worth of drink for the race. Walk more if I need to. Stop if I'm injured.

This quote from that former post sums up a lot of feelings about good things that are happening within my life.

Still, inside there is doubt. It's part of who I am struggling with, part of the "changing the foundation, changes the house".  It feels unnatural to be confident and sure of yourself. So, I'm at odds with it. People can be all sorts of confident for me, but I'm the one who is running.

I want to feel this weight and pressure leave my chest. I want to be OK with being calm.  I looked at my time from the Hudson Mohawk Half Marathon. 3:34:00 My 8 miles came in around 2:20:00, meaning technically I have the ability to match my HMHM time. Really, I just want to come as close as I can.