Foundations need time to settle.

I ran four miles and then I got on a plane. It sounds crazy, almost like the start of a cheesy movie. I was hoping at some point along the race that I wouldn't feel as shitty mentally as I was.

I ran the Rabbit Ramble 4 mile race as the first race of my spring season. It was a nice race course, challenging enough but easy enough too. The sun was really bright that day despite the chill and sting from the wind that morning. I ran into Ed, Kait, and Kait's mom and we all walked up to the starting line together. Ed mentioned the intervals they were doing.

I hadn't even thought about that. I have been running the full time with each run that I have done so I haven't shifted back to an interval walk/run method yet. I know I'll have to because I'm starting to get up there in mileage. But I ran the entire Rabbit Ramble, and that is big for me. There were moments in the race that I'm pissed off about. Mainly the one running who had already finished her race and lapped me on her extra milage, she did proper running courtesy and said left loud enough to pass me but also loud enough for the two women I was getting ready to pass to hear, which caused them to start running, instead of run/walking. Those two women also walked the entire race until I passed them once.

I know there is nothing wrong with coming in as the dead last finish but it still sucks.

Ed and Kait came back to run me in, which is ALWAYS appreciated. However, there was an over exuberant girl who was cheering me on by cheering, running fast past me and cheering again. I might have smiled at you in the race but in my mind I was tripping you kid. Trust me.

I sprinted out my finish, as I always seem to do and I came in under an hour, which was my goal for the race. We headed back in and they were doing raffle give a way's, Ed won something.

I booked it out of there, got home, showered and then headed to the airport. I had debated taking my running shoes & clothes with me but i reminded myself this was supposed to be about rest. I still ended up walking about 4 miles on already tired legs the next day. But I haven't run since.

It's nice out today. I have a wedding later. I could just go and run right now. My body is telling me not to. My mind has said, you'll run tomorrow because it's supposed to be closer to 60 degrees out. It's telling me, you have no rehearsals next week so you can run three times next week. The mind is indeed the largest muscle you have to flex in order to run. My mind is not in a good place and it is terrifying to admit that.

Looking at last years stats, I matched March's number of runs at 8 runs during the month. Last Year in April, I had 10 runs. So that's the goal for April. Ten runs or more. The real goal is increasing my mileage at a steady rate but I don't want to think about the hours spent running for that. As it is, today was supposed to be 5 miles. Tomorrow, I'll try to run 4 again and do 5K's the rest of the week for my distance and I'll go up to 5 next week.

Plattsburgh, I just need a 22min per mile pace to finish the half marathon before it closes. I know I can do that. I know even just walking I'm at least 18 mins per mile. Maybe all of that will get me excited. Maybe the sunny weather will start to help. Maybe I'll find the right people to run with.

Just keep moving forward. Things will find the spaces they need to settle.

The Break Up

Friday after I presented at my conference, I was able to get dinner & drinks and enjoy the company of a "first time caller, long time reader" new friend. She also runs and while we were getting to know each other and ask lots of questions about careers, family, friends, etc. we happened to talk about running a lot. I talked about the fact that I have 12 days until I run the Rabbit Ramble 4 mile race. While technically I know I can do it, the mental battle is what is the worst part.

It made a big difference for me. Talking about running, thinking about running. I told her that if she hadn't seen a run posted to my Facebook Saturday that she had full permission to "yell" at me. So I made the decision Saturday to go back to my parents house, do laundry, and run the full 3 miles my schedule told me I had to do. Along the way, I had gotten text messages asking what was I doing, asking if I wanted to meet up for St. Patrick's parties, etc. It all hit me again. The metaphor.

I had to "break up" with theater. Now, there are all kinds of break-ups. I'm sure we all know this. In real life, I'm usually a jerk. I usually just go cold turkey and cut off all connections. However, this break-up with theater has been going on for ever. I planed on ending it after Laramie. You know, having a good nice time and just giving it a good closure. I was ready for that. Then, there were favors, opportunities, friendships, that all just seemed to happen one right after another. When I would walk away, she'd pull me back in for more and I would stay, even though I knew I was unhappy with staying.

But see running wasn't around really, I mean she was there but she was quiet and waiting her turn but I couldn't see her, couldn't hear her, so I kept choosing theater over running. I also kept choosing theater over (non-theater) friendships. I didn't like that. So, last night while with theater friends (and seeing Lucky Stiff at Russell Sage) I declared it. I said it out loud. I am breaking up with theater. She has to be patient and wait her turn again. Fall & Winter are her times. Spring & Summer, well I have a different commitment I have to honor.

A commitment to myself.

Winter blues & bruises

Winter Route

So Wednesday marked the start of my running season and just like everything else in my life, I am currently not excited about it. It's still winter outside, still cold, still snow on the ground. So it makes running at the Saratoga State Park so boring. It's reminiscent of last year, starting out in March, running up to the clubhouse, back past the theater, and then usually up the avenue of the pines. (I was able to do the path past the hotel)

I've been running the entire time with each run on the treadmill and I tried it outside the other day. It sucked balls. My left shin tightened up instantly where it always does. It's the sheath around the muscle, it's also me starting out too fast. I know it's OK to go back to run/walk. I know I could do 4/1 with no problem. I just have to get out the little gym boss timer again and make sure to have AAA batteries.

The run the other day and the stiffness in the left shin afterwards makes me wonder about my orthopedic inserts. I've got new shoes that I can swap into as well, but my current shoes don't have enough miles on them for me to need to swap them out. I also keep thinking about getting "the stick" but then I remember I can't even force myself to foam roller when I really should.

I think it's also I'm fighting the fact that before I never thought I could and well now I know I can, so what's my motivation (besides that whole be healthy thing and take death off the line) Also, because I don't know where I fit in. I still feel like I hold my running friends back because of my pace and I'm too fast for friends who are just starting to run. I don't fit in with many running groups because of my health, pace, walk/run issues. It's why I had trouble with USAFit and why I hardly find myself participating with Albany Running Exchange. When you are slow and you hear these other people say yeah we're slow too, like 13 min paces and the fastest you've ever run for like one mile is 13:30, let alone try to keep that up for multiple miles. Well you just start to feel like you don't fit in.

So this season, it's back to individual training and catching a few group runs once my schedule lightens up. I know I'll feel a bit more pressure to be into running & training once registration opens for the Palio Half Marathon. I have the Rabbit Ramble 4 mile coming up at the end of the month and I'm estimating 54 minutes but I'll be happy to just complete it. I'm hoping it will remind me of what it feels like and remind me why I run.

In going back and looking at all my posts in March for 2011 & 2012, it all starts off this way. Me being wishy washy, figuring out my goals as I go along. I even posted the same winter map route back in 2011. So  Hello March and Hello Half Marathon Training. Let's try and be friends and I'll try to put my winter blues and bruises away OK?

Coming out of hibernation

I was planning on just taking a few weeks off, maybe even a month after my last race in December 15th. I had gotten sick on Christmas and it lasted through the new year.

January 13th & 15th I got out there and ran. The next week I followed that up too. Then I stopped. I had gotten sick again and started a new show.

Plus, I just wasn't motivated to run. (I'm still not motivated to run)

From January to February I've run a total of 14 miles. Most of those are due to using the Run, Zombies! App.

I'm on mission 6 now. While I enjoy it so much more when I can run with this outside, it does make the time pass quickly on the treadmill.

I had a friend email me and ask if I would be blogging again. It was nice to know someone liked reading my stuff. It was even nicer to have some external motivation to start up my running season in a serious manner.

Still, I would like some intrinsic motivation. I know I won't be joining USAfit this year and I'm unsure what my half marathon training will actually look like. I'm unsure of a lot of things truthfully.

I signed up for the Rabbit Ramble 4mile race at the end of this month. My official training starts next week, although I've been running 2 miles at least twice a week the past week or so.

I feel like I've put on a lot of weight lately. I don't know how much damage I've done. Running used to help me with anger but it never has really helped with the sadness. It helped keep the sadness at bay when I ran all the time but getting out of this slump, of not emotionally hurting in the downtime. That's the hard part.

It is hard to say that I don't care but that is all I want to say lately and I have to fight that. Fighting that and the pavement at the same time, well it's a challenge I have to fight through and I just want to hibernate.

And when I dream I run...

When I was a kid growing up, the SNICK show Roundhouse was like a dream come true for a budding improv actress & singer to watch. It was like all the stuff I wanted to do. I sang the theme song as my warmup (still do to this day, as superstition subscribes). There was this one song from the episode SPORTS that always stuck with me. This year, the song has echoed many moments for me.

They call me foolish one, for dreaming all the time. Races I will never run. But I wish (I wish) I could tell them how, my dreaming makes me feel. It may be true. I can't win now. They say I never will but I can dream, and when I dream I run. If I know that I can do it, it's as good as done and I know (I know), things are never hopeless as they seem, but it won't worry me, as long as i can dream. Hey look I'm running now. I'm really getting fast, I'm moving like the wind. I'm going to run my race, at last. I know that I can win. Cause I can dream and when I dream I run. If I know that I can do it it's as good as done, and I know (I know) that things are never hopeless as they seem, but it won't worry me, as long as I can dream.

 

2011-2012 mileage totals.

313.7 miles of running, 6.7 miles of walking (mostly to get my car after an evening of drinking)

How do I feel about that?

It leaves me proud but unsure.

That is what the thought of me running over 338.1 miles this running season has done to me. I often start my season in March and run all the way though December. This year I am questioning when I should pick up my training again. I say that perhaps I’ll pick it up after my birthday in January. I mean I’ve run outside in the snow before, as March is usually still snow covered grass months.  I also think about snowshoeing, especially since the Saratoga state park lets you rent snowshoes and there are trails in the park that I love, and many new ones that open up due to the blankets of snow.

However, my lacklustre attitude is stemming from the fact that I’ve been sick since almost thanksgiving. I’ve been on antibiotics since the beginning of December and I’ve been fighting a sinus and kidney infection. Most of my energy had been previously provided by sugar and caffeine. Two things that I was starting to get worried about my massive amounts of consumption.  

See, I had planned for a break, that from October to December, I would just run for fun and just have that and Laramie Project rehearsals. However, an opportunity presented itself. To stage manage and have it be a paid position. When I had said yes, only the show dates had been given to me, I thought I’d just be calling a show in order to give my friend a break, I didn’t know it was the whole things start to finish, so at the time,  it fit into my schedule and gave me a bit of time to rest still. That was until I asked about rehearsals and found out that my rest time was no longer there.

There were some days I was waking up early to run, going into work from 9-5, and then driving right to rehearsal at 6pm, from Sunday to Thursday. Then having my schedule shift from Thursday’s – Sunday’s for the show…While it worked for the actors and the directors, it didn’t really work for me, so I was swept up into a rigorous schedule maybe three weeks after my half marathon. The show, theatre, and actors were a great experience and I enjoyed my time there. It’s just that my body did not enjoy the time.

I lived off caffeine and faster food options.  Sundays & Tuesdays, I rehearsed for Laramie. It left me with the occasional Friday or Wednesday open. While I wanted to sleep, I kept having to cancel social engagements left and right with people. So I started feeling the need to schedule in relationships. Everything was pre-planned, arranged, and blocked out for weeks, everything except rest.

I thought I was getting better through my first round of antibiotics but Christmas Day came and so did a second round of sickness. I called in and took the rest of the week of using y vacation time. I tried for two days to be a trooper and then I called my parents to come and get me and take care of me. I couldn’t make decisions, couldn’t cook for myself, and couldn’t travel further than 100 feet.

So I know I’ve got to take a break. I’ve got to be OK with not running right now. I’ve got to be OK without knowing what races I want to run this next year. There are many staples to my race season and I am not sure if I’ll get to run them this coming year. So I’ve got to find new things, new races, new ways and places to run.

I’ve got miniature goals I am dreaming about, being able to fully run (not run/walk) a 10K, running the BoF again, finding a half marathon to run, seeing if I can run a 10K in 80 minutes, I’d like to do the trail running series with ARE. I like keeping track of  how many people around me start to get into running and August 2013, which is if I stay on track with just my food journaling, is the projected month for me to hit my big goal of weight loss.

So I’ve got some goals, I just can’t really think about all of them. I need to just rest.

And if you know me, that is my biggest challenge.

Get the motherfucking PR

I'm running a random 5K tomorrow. Saratoga Springs Firefighters Veteran's Day 5k. Spur of the moment decision of the week. Honestly, $30 race fee makes me feel better than $30 at the bar. So it's money well spent since my life does not feel like my own right now.

So this 5K, while I will have a friend at the race, is to see how much I can push myself by myself. I don't think I can come close to the 35 min false 5K PR time but I do think I can beat the 41 minute PR. I want to try and break 40 minutes.

Since I'm on my own and within the Saratoga State Park, I am ok with using headphones and music. So I created a playlist titled "Get the motherfucking PR". The tempo of the playlist should have me pushing a 12/13 minute mile most of the race. Is that fast for me, yes, way fast. But I asked Jenika what our pace was during the Maddie's Mark 5K and she told me "According to my Garmin, our avg. pace was 12:43.  The first mile was 12:24, second was 13:06 and last, had it been a full mile, was on target for a 12:40."

If you want the playlist, or just want to listen along, check it out on my 8tracks.com account or it's embedded below

Get the motherfucking PR from holliemiller on 8tracks Radio.

A little light in the loafers

Dapper Dan Strikes Again!

It's taken a bit of time, 2.5 years to be specific but I earned a super important badge over this past week. That, coupled with feeling like the most dashing of dapper gentlemen with the suit that used to be too small now fitting just right. Well, it makes me feel good.

Badges, maybe I do need those stinkin badges.

However, my great news doesn't stop there. I last wrote about how I didn't know if I would run The Great Pumpkin 5K or if I'd just cheer on Kathy. The game day decision was to run it and that if things hurt, that I'd walk more of it. I forgot to pack my GPS watch and my gymboss timer, so I couldn't do intervals. I figured I'd just run until I couldn't. I ended up running the first mile the whole way and thanks to people next to me found out that I did it in about 13 minutes. My 5K PR time was 44 mins, back in the day from the first time I did the Troy Turkey Trot. When I came around the corner for the finish line, the clock just turned 43:00 so I sprinted it. When I got my results, it was awesome. I had set a new PR for a 5K. 41:21. My goal was to have broken my 5K PR by the December run. I set a new bar. Run a 5K in under 40 minutes.

Great Pumpkin 5K

My foot hurt a bit after The Great Pumpkin 5K but I nursed it back to health and knew that I would be running another 5K at the end of the weekend. This one would be a challenge because I was sick Monday & Tuesday. Did I say sick, maybe I should rephrase it. I was medically exhausted. I woke up only for a total of 2 hours each day in order to eat. My lungs were heavy from the remnants of battling sickness & exhaustion. I was using my rescue inhaler and my steroid inhaler. I thought, great, this run is going to be awesome. I knew I'd see Jenika at the race and I was looking to break 40 minutes, so I knew I needed to keep a 13 minute pace to do so. She asked me if I'd like her to pace me and I said yes. She's tough as nails and knows too many ways to trick me into running harder. Never telling me my times, kind of telling me my distances left, pointing out people to "kill", making me have to catch her....all tricks of her trade. 

As we approached the finish line (which I had a negotiation of when to start running again [top of hill or flagpole]) I saw the clock and am pretty sure I dropped an F-Bomb. Jenika told me to gradually increase the speed to the finish and then told me to sprint it out and was shocked by my sprinting. I crossed the finish line, blowing away the 41:21 from the previous weekend. I actually was there when they started handing out awards. [I've never made it to an awards ceremony, I've always still been running]

Maddie' Mark 5K

On the Albany Running Exchange Facebook page, there was some debate on if the race course was actually 3.1 miles. Everyone's GPS came in short (2.7), including Jenika's. So there is this doubt within me, that I still had .4 miles left to run.  I've got the Turkey Trot and the Last Run in my schedule still and I may try to find a race to throw in Veteran's Day weekend. 

It's funny, because I went back and looked at my old journal to see when I started my serious lifestyle change. It was September 2009. My short term goal was to run 1 mile and my long term goal was to be able to run 3 miles. If I could only go back and tell that Hollie, that she would and could do all this. Perhaps, that's why I write these posts. So some other "Hollie" out there can see that it's possible. 

Sometimes, I do stop and look at how amazing it is. So Troy Turkey Trot, I'm coming at you. I'm gunning for as close to that 35 minutes as I can get, running the entire race. Then Albany's Last Run, I want to try and push it and break a new PR.