Fantastic George!

At the beginning of our runs our group leader George asks us loudly "how's everyone feeling tonight?" our response is shouted just as loudly back at him "Fantastic George!"

Last night's run was 3.2 miles, yep a full 5K. It was so they could get an idea of our actual time and pace. Our group rules are strict with no headphones, no music. I've never run without music....so it was difficult. I also started out a lot faster than I should. That always happens with groups. I mean I even started towards the back of the group. I did well with keeping up with the group the first time around but then my pace slowed, the air grew thicker, and I had to walk/run.

I know walk/run is not the end of the world. Hell, I do it in most races. It's just when everyone in the group you are running with looks ten times healthier than you, well you try to emulate their health as well.

My "winner" finisher's medal

The second time around a mentor walked parts with me and shouted out tips of relaxing my arms more and keeping my arms at my side while walking and use them to pump. So it was great. Also, they are an encouraging bunch - which is nice. I kept smiling & laughing the entire time so that is a real good thing.

At the end of the race they gave us out finisher's medals. Which is really nice. How did I do? around 47 minutes. So I am off from my last 5K time of 41 minutes. Still, I haven't run in 6 weeks and I felt like crap this morning. So I'm OK with the 47 minutes for right now. It's a good starting time. Ultimately, when I ran The Boilermaker my split time for the 10K portion was 1hr36min so my goal is come November to beat that time. I'd LOVE to run a 10K in an hour or 1:10 but beating my 1:36 is my success goal.

The rest of the week is interesting, especially with my rehearsal schedule. So it's yoga tomorrow, short run on Friday, cross training Saturday, and then a short run & strength training on Sunday. I'm not sure if I'll get yoga in tomorrow because 1. i don't know how to do it. 2. i don't have a gym membership and 3. I have rehearsal at 7pm tomorrow. Friday's run is no problem and Saturday is no problem. Sunday I'll just have to wake up early to get it done before I start Tech Sunday.

So in 10 weeks I should be slimming down, training my legs & lungs, building strength, and making some new friends.

tonight is the "first day of classes"

I am slowly getting ready for tonight. I am nervous.

I am slow. I am currently run down. I struggle with the notion of me being a runner.

I haven't put on any of my running gear (besides my shoes) for 6 weeks. So I feel like I am starting at the beginning again. I know I will have to start and stop a lot. Which makes me feel like "they're all going to laugh at me."

I know they are adults and they won't laugh but i wonder if they will question my actual ability to do the program.

Hollie it's a 10K training program. You ran a 15K. You survived it.

still, these are my worries.

I also downloaded the week schedule. Really, for the next two weeks all I have time for is the Wednesday night group work. But there is some cross training, some strength, some longer runs, and some yoga in there.

I'll feel better when Frankenstein:A New Musical is done because I'll have more time.

Last year, this is when I started training for the Turkey Trot 5K.

Since then, my life has been different.

Taking the next step

Those who know me in real life, know that i've been working on my fitness since September 2009. I trained with personal trainers, lost about 50 pounds and felt strong. I was sidetracked by personal injury and found my way to wanting to run by seeing my former students run in costumes during a Ragnar race. I found the Warrior Dash and showed it to my brother but I couldn't do it last year because of my shoulder. It was after seeing him run that race with an all uphill first mile, that I knew if I wanted to do it the next year i'd have to run a 5K. My friend Mary Beth heard how I was walking and that I did a 5K distance in about an hour. So she encouraged me to sign up for a race and to use the couch to 5K program. I trained on my own three days a week.

After running my initial 5K, I knew I wanted to keep going and run more 5K's the next season. I also had a great friend convince me to run a 15K. Yep, I'm a crazy bastard who went from 6 5K's to running a 15K, and not just any 15K but The Boilermaker.

Again, I trained on my own three days a week.

But now, I'm taking a big step. I joined a 10K training group. The distance is not an intimidating factor for me. I mean, I ran a 15K. During that race at the 10K marker I said "it's just one more 5K". The intimidating factor is....being social while I run. Being social, not listening to music, and facing my own innate need to compete when there is no competition. It's also being social with new people but Kathleen told me I can no longer use that as a crutch because I do musical theater and I know how to make friends.

So I did it. I took the plunge. I signed up for Be Running 10K program  It's a ten week program where we'll meet once a week on Wednesday nights in Colonie and I'll be assigned a mentor to walk me through all the training. The same group ran a C25K program for Fleet Feet, so they're good with the run/walk programs. I'll still have time to run on my own for long runs. It's just a little crazy to me. I started running last year around this time. I now have 5 5K's under my belt and one 15K.

Now, I'm taking a big girl step. I won't be alone. Which is freaky.

Singing & dancing replaced running & resting

So I haven’t’ written in a while. There is reason for this. Mostly it is because of my schedule with the show I am in. I’m in The WeddingSinger the musical – performing at Russell Sage College’s The Schacht Fine Arts Center in Troy, NY August5-7 and 11-14, 2011 Thurs-Sat. 8pm, Sun. 2pm

I’ve joked around with a fellow office runner that dancing in the show is my cross training. While I joke, it actually feels like it is. The past few weeks have been dance rehearsals for three hours a night in crazy humid situations. Yesterday was our first technical rehearsal, full wigs & costumes. It was a ten hour day. So I’m a little beat up today.

In actual running news, I’m checking out a 10K runners group. Ed, who has been at my two prideful running moments, sent me an email about Be Running.  Wednesday, August 3 · 7:00pm - 8:30pm at the Ciccotti Center - Colonie NY

I’m going to go check it out because really, I think I’m at the point of if I want to get better at running that I need some coaching and I need to learn how to run with a group. I’ve got a few 5K’s lined up for the rest of the summer and into September & October. So training for a 10K until October will be great, then I’ll feel a little better about training from October – January for a half marathon. 

I want to be back into running mode. I do. Still, I know I have to start from the beginning again because I now have the inserts. I know I also have to get back into good nutrition mode. That will come from not being busy every night of the week. I know that the summer has been hard for me to run in. That I prefer fall weather, which means running a month or so in the summer with my training going through August-December for a running season with major goal races. Then I can do a few fun runs during the summer and even think about taking on The Boilermaker again. 

Body image has also been what is killing me right now. Being sucked into spanks like materials under my costumes, while helpful, makes me feel unattractive when I am doing my costume changes. Seeing pictures of me where I am happy and jovial but am just not wearing the most flattering thing just makes me feel different. I know we all have different body image issues. I know I am not alone. I know women who I think are sexy and a healthy body size have their own thoughts and struggles too. It’s just that once upon a time I made a commitment to attack that and though I lost 50lbs, I’m at a plateau. So I have to fight harder to get through that plateau. I really want to go back to Fitness Together. I love the guys there; I love the work out set up. I just can’t afford it right now. My goal though with the 10K training group, is that I can afford once a week at FT and they would be my cross training.  They always helped me through my anger too, pushing me really hard and getting me to lift more than I thought I could. I want to get back to my 50 non-modified pushups in a minute too. That’s where I was before my accident and that’s where I want to get back to. 

So I’m tired. There is no way around that. I will be tired until August 15^th when the show is completely over. I’m thinking of trying a 5K on August 20^th, but I would have to leave right after to go down to the city for a wedding. I’m still debating the logistics.

When it rains it pours

Sometimes I do not get my life. It's odd. I do get and understand that when you are happy, confident, and loving to yourself, well people notice.

It's nice to be noticed. it's still weird though too.
____

The other day in my email the notice came that the official Boilermaker photos were in. I never order official race photos. Yet, this time I did. There was a good photo where I didn't look gross but I looked like a runner. A photo where I was running while laughing & smiling. Then there were photos from the finish hill where Joel ran with me. I got a collage of four photos.

I was proud (and still am) of what I accomplished that day. Hell, that entire week, weekend, and following week. I know I am a fighter and I know how to push my limits and survive them.

When I got into Oswego for the wedding, I also got my phone conversation with Champ. It is easier knowing she is still reachable. Time differences are still something to get used to. It will also take some getting used to being a constant part of someone's life from a distance. I am excited for her; seeing someone you care about right on the verge of a great adventure... It's where my developmental theory loving student affairs self just smiles and knows when people have to go through their journey's  and challenges to get to "the other inside" of themselves.

I stated on my facebook,

"Spent the last 48 hours being reminded of love & friendships. It was an excellent reminder. In fact, it was just what I needed."

 I know who I am. I know who I love. I don't know what will come of any of it but I know I am not afraid of this. I know I am lucky. I know those who receive my love are lucky.

My life is odd and when it rains, it pours.

We're still fighting it

Only Boilermaker Injury

I am not one to believe in Karma. I am however one to believe in negative energy and that if you promote negativity, more negative things happen; which is the case this week.

After the Boilermaker, I went into blister care 101. It was the only amount of physical pain that I was in. While I did the steps of sterilize the needle, poke & drain, Neosporin & bandage, witch hazel and air at night, my skin still cracked. So I have a lot of new baby skin on my foot. It’s painful.

That is not where my negativity comes from.  It comes from waiting. It comes from feeling just the tiny bit empty because something is missing, more like someone. If you know me, you know my tattoo and you know I don’t believe in something being missing, I believe in ebb & flow.   In the long run, this is just the ebb. When in an ebb my thoughts go dark and it is sometimes hard to get out of them.

I don’t depend on people. I just don’t. It takes a lot for me to ask for help and I have gotten better at it over the years.  Still, I’ve had this person who I talked to about everything and really the distance would be OK if we just talked. It’s the silence that is killing me. I know it’s needed for re-adjustment there and here.  It’s just the feeling like you’ve lost someone, someone important.

I also have a hard time pretending. I used to pretend all through high school that everything was great. When people asked “how are you doing?”, I’d say fine, great, super but I was really miserable. I’ve always given the advice to sit with what you are feeling. Well for the past four days I’ve felt angry, sad, hurt and numb. My friends are great because they check in with me. My cast mates are great because they try to get me to laugh.

Still, everyone sees it, this sadness behind my eyes.... 

I’ve been trying to get my blistered skin back into shape so I can start running three days a week again. This morning at the doctors my diastolic blood pressure (pressure while the heart is relaxed) was 20 points higher than normal.  I need my stress to go down and I need my physical activity to get back to normal.  I know it will help with my anger and it will keep me away from "bad things" ;alcohol, fast driving, food binging, and hitting things.  My anger management skills are being tested daily and when my schedule or things I’ve been looking forward to just fall through, well I start to unravel. 

So since plans fell through,  I’ll go to the batting cages today and just hit something with a bat. Each ball gets labeled with an emotion (or sometimes a person). I’m supposed to say it when I hit it. Often small children at the batting cages are scared of me. I say it makes for a teachable moment.

I have come a really far way from who I was, a not confident, obese, depressed girl who waited around for life to happen to her. I get scared when I revert back to that. It takes a lot to fight it. But I’m still fighting it.

This weekend I’ll go back to Oswego, for my college roommates wedding! 

I just want an Oswego sunset or a trip to the water behind Johnson (or Breitbeck Park) I’ll be around fraternity brothers and good friends. I’ll be Dapper Dan in his best summer suit and bow-tie. I’ll still be a little damaged and sad but I’ll be fighting it.

Boiler Up!

15K race recap

We left for Utica on Saturday afternoon. Prior to our departure I was a huge bitch to everyone in my path. My family knows when I am stressed out to just stay out of my way. Well, everyone but my father knows this. He just decides to ask questions I’ve already given answers to right when I am desperately searching for something I need to pack.

We got en route and drove right to the packet pick up at the race expo. Our clan we were staying with at the hotel was running late so a plan of photo id pictures sent via text message to us allowed us to pick up everyone elses bib’s & goodie bags.

D. had called when we were there and while we were picking up other bibs she managed to find me. We figured out the actual math and it was 3 years since we had seen each other. While picking up bib’s Paul asked if there was any spots that opened up so he could run the race. While he went off to do that D, her dad, & I went through the goodie bag line. I was picking up goodie bags for five people, when I hear “Ms. Miller!” Pam from Oswego jumped out and gave me a huge hug. She and I haven’t seen each other in 10 years. We talked quickly and then I exited the line and asked D. if she saw what just happened. I told her it was Pam. She said, “Pam from Oswego?” and I said “yep, I think I'm a little more nauseous now, then being worried about the race.” Pam was my first girlfriend and truly I haven’t seen her in over 10 years. She looked exactly the same, she looked good, and the hug was solid & true - reflecting on it now, I’m glad I ran into her.

D. & her dad left and I caught up with my brother. We made our way to the hotel and passed out everyone’s bibs & stuff. Then we headed to Lombardo’s and the pre race feast began. I got to eat everything that I had avoided for the week. Pizza, french fries, some antipasti and a huge Arnold Palmer.

Dinner was spent asking questions like what if I have to go to the bathroom while running? How do I take the water cups & drinks and run (pinch the cup) and pointers like take the ice and stick it down your bra.

After dinner we all just relaxed. The other gang played some frisbee outside. I got to have a nice conversation with Champ. Then we went to bed.

I had paul set his alarm in case mine didn’t work. Good thing too, because mine didn’t work. We woke up at 5:40 got dressed and were out of the hotel by 6am to drop off Steve at the 5K start line. Then we went and parked at the finish line and took the shuttles to the start. This was the first race where I had to do that. It was just pure insanity. Highly organized but still pure insanity. I was intimidated by runners who were more fit than I was. One kid was running it barefoot. I saw D. in the start corral, we hugged, I told her I loved her and hoped to see her at the end. We got to the start line corral and Ed suggested we just wait. It was good too because from the race start gun to when I crossed the start line was a good ten minutes. During this time my Champ texted and said she was at the start. It filled me with so much love to see her there.

I started the race at the back of the pack. Ed, Paul & Kate all are faster runners than I am, so they put some distance between us in the first mile. I’m not going to lie. The first mile was the hardest. I saw the pack her further away from me, I felt i was running too fast, my side was cramping. I felt lame for having to walk within the first mile. A race official saw me and told me to drink a lot of water, smile and just have fun.

The one thing I must say is the city of Utica fucking rocks. All along the race route the people were so great. So many smiles, high fives, Popsicle stops, ice stations all that were just spectator provided. The race was so well organized and there was music and entertainment the entire route.

My nike+ app was going and I had it give me time updates instead of mileage updates so I never knew where I was in mileage until I saw race signs and clocks. After I past the 5K distance I knew the mile 4 hill was coming up. I walked that bitch. I was perfectly fine with walking it. It was also at that time that we heard the winner ran the race in 43 minutes. I was just on mile 4 at that time. Downhill, I ran the whole way. I turned the corner and then was onto mile 5.  I’ve never run past 4.5 miles in all of my training. I just ran 5 miles. I was half way through with the race.

I approached the 6th mile & 10K distance at a rate that I never imagined. 1 hour 38 minutes. When I passed the 10K marker I thought OK Hollie, this is where you said you’d at least be happy with yourself but seriously it’s just one more 5K. Mile 7 is another incline I needed to walk it. I was still walk/running but I needed to walk the hill. All along the route little kids were clamoring to hand me my waters, EMS were checking in with me to see if I was doing OK. I was in a race with two men in their 70’s and one power walker in her early 40’s.

Mile 8 I rounded the corner to the factory and was like WHAT THE FUCK, there’s no shade like you said there would be son. My battery on my phone crapped out and I had to run the rest of the race with no music. No music, dead legs, and swelling hands were all piling up on me. Then like a vision from and oasis there was Joel coming towards me. He handed me his water bottle and showed me how to power walk to make my arms pull me forward and do the work for me. I kept walking and he jumped out and got me a cherry snow cone from the people on the side of the race. It felt good & cold and I was so hot that it was awesome. The whole way getting to mile 9 people kept saying it’s all downhill, or it’s almost finished. We got past mile 9 and Joel said OK, it’s .3 of a mile, that’s like 6 city blocks. I picked up my feet and trotted down the hill. Joel left me and told me it was all me across the finish line. As I approached there was Champ on the right cheering out my name.

I crossed the finish line and Ed congratulated me on finishing my first Boilermaker. A race official came up to me and said this was your first time? I replied yes. She said thank you for running and congratulations and I’d like to shake your hand. So she did.

I finished the race with a net time of 2:34:46

From there was was getting to the post race party. I needed salt very badly. I had stopped at all 20 water stations, so I was hydrated but I lost so much salt through my sweat that my fingers were swollen and I couldn’t make fists without my hands shaking. We found Paul, I drank a beer, and then we ate our lunches in the sun. Champ suggested I get a massage before we left and she went and signed me up for one. It was one of the greatest things. While walking back to the cars we stopped in the Saranac gift shop for some discounted brews but we lost Steve in the crowd.

My legs were OK but my feet had blisters so it was hard to walk. We got back to the truck and I got my bag and Paul drove Champ & I to her car. We stopped at the first rest area and ran into my brother there. I got the best chocolate milkshake and pretzels i’ve ever eaten. Champ had to run back in after and she ran into Joel.

The car ride home with her was so nice. We knew it would be the last moments we’d have together before she left. Our goodbye at my house was hard. I honestly miss her already. She kept smiling at me and told me how proud of me she was. I still love the fact she woke up ass early and drove an hour and a half and had her own crazy misadventures to see me in this race.

I got inside and my mom started to help me with my blisters. My left foot is OK but my right foot had a blister the side of a silver dollar. I took a three hour nap. Our parents went and got food for Paul & I and then my mom and I watched Life as We Know It. It was good and I didn’t have to think (like in all Katherine Heigl) movies. However, there was a scene where her character drives as fast as she can to the airport. That’s when I cried. There is a huge part of me that wants to do that tomorrow but I'm in training from 10am-2pm and her flight is at 3pm. So I’m just going to take tomorrow easy. I’m going to let myself feel everything that I feel tomorrow.

So what’s the next race? Silks & Satins 5K in Saratoga State Park in about two weeks. I have the rest of July before I make my decision but the next big race may be The Walt Disney World Half Marathon in January. I’d start training for it in August. I’m pretty settled on doing it but I just want to let myself come down from my runner’s high.